That's It, I've Got The Plague

OHMYGOD WHO is ready to NOT be sick anymore??! I'll give you one guess.

You would've thought things might've quieted down, that drama would have subsided for a while and shockingly.. wait for it!.. you would be right! In fact, it's actually damn boring these days.. but Lo! Behold! Ack! And there I go, catching the friggin flu. Again. SECOND time in TWO months. And I'm still coughing like a wretched TB patient. COULD IT STOP?! Anytime would be great. My sides are also crying in unison 'Oh ow! A thousand times ow!' 

I stayed home with a minor sore throat last Monday, went back to work feeling fine til Wednesday morning when by an hour after arriving, just blinking my eyes hurt. I was hot then cold, woozy and whiny. I left before 10am, had an appetite when I came home, ate something and went to bed. That was the last day I remember being hungry til this Monday. I did have some really nice dreams while in and out of fever sleeping and of course got a nice reprieve from work - tho a little overkill with this virus for sure. I was practically begging to go back sooner because five full days of this and I was climbing the walls. I mean.. have you SEEN what's on daytime tv? Oh dear God. I can't even discuss it.

And if I'm going to have the flu - fine. But leave me at least one good nostril to breathe thru. Congestion, sure. It sucks ass.. but both nostrils shut down for the better part of two days? Did I just descend into the 4th level of Hell? Because I thought I was going to go batshit. And you know there are things in the store that relieve this symptom? Yes, there are! But you know what else? If you use them longer than three days, your wee little snout gets addicted. Addicted?! Yes! Like.. even when you're not sick, your nose continues to be congested all on its own! Like magic!  Why why WHY do they make things like this?! That makes no sense to me! But hey! It worked! Air! I could breathe! I was so frickin scared my nose would end up in rehab tho that I found this 12 hour Sudafed the doctor said to take instead. Also, note to self: Don't take this at say.. 7pm. That would've been helpful since the idea at night is to eventually sleep.. if sleep ever came.. but it didn't. Ever. At all. 

Thank God for distraction because between the sniffling and the channel surfing, I had The Tudors! As in DREAMY! Have any of you seen this? It's about Henry VIII and his reign starting near the end of his first marriage and taking a few creative liberties in keeping him young and roguishly handsome while he woos Anne Boleyn. I believe he was a lot older when that happened and tho some facts remain the same, they do fudge a lot of accuracies historically, which I wish they wouldn't do. Still.. in three words: HOT HOT HOT. Or if you ask Shine, who went with three different words because she's always over-achieving that one: well-written, addicting, and.. British. Um.. ok. Whatevs. We'll go with it. I would agree with her, but I don't know that it matters because I'm usually so distracted looking at Henry Cavill that I'm not always paying attention to what his philandering Charles Brandon, the Duke of Suffolk, is saying. I mean, can you blame me? Oh it doesn't matter cuz I don't care. That boy is fierce.

The counseling is going well and from that, I find I'm getting past the conflicts at work because they've mostly died down now and moving on to the standard love life complications - or lack thereof. I mean, you have to have a love life to have complications. And you know.. I'm kind of tired of talking about the men in my life who want to show affection, want to live in the moment, and want no further attachments or responsibility beyond that. I need to get beyond that and them and focus on me. I still have work to do. Five sessions doesn't an enlightened person make. I mean, don't get me wrong.. I'm almost there.. you know.. enlightenment is right around the corner for me people. Don't be jealous tho. I can put in a good word for you with the Pope. Oh yes I can. He's here you know. Ok.. he's not HERE per se.. but you know.. he's everywhere so.. 

And for the love of Pete.. er.. the Pope.. whatever.. I'm signing off for the night. Take your vitamins, kittens!

I Shall Not Be Moved

At the end of February, Kari and I spent her Christmas gift to me listening to Dr. Maya Angelou speak for an evening. She's almost 80 years old and is an extremely engaging storyteller. Her voice alone is so glorious it's like swimming thru thick waves of silk. She's also just funny as all get out. I like it when a person of her stature, age, and experience calls it like it is. She has a particularly keen understanding of life and expresses it with her own mix of intelligent wit and direct honesty. There's no pretense. Just this feeling that the room was filled with the weight of this love she creates and shares and never seems to run out of.

The woman has a world of experiences - some so awful and ignorant we could feel her frustration and anger of a particular memory. Some were so beautiful they carried the entire audience along as we all held our collective breath, her voice washing over us like we were bathing in warm honey. I'm sure she's had her moments where she wasn't so full of grace and light, but you'd never know it. She's a force we were honored to witness and I left feeling extremely blessed to have been in the same room with someone so filled with the power of love that she exudes.

Centered on the world's stage,
she sings to her loves and beloveds,
to her foes and detractors:
However I am perceived and deceived,
however my ignorance and conceits,
lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

for I shall not be moved.

*****************************************

I've been reading 'Eat, Pray, Love', by Elizabeth Gilbert. The story is one that you either enjoy or you don't because as I've heard the writer can come across as pathetic and whiny because of all she's going thru in her story. I can see why and I honestly don't think it's technically the best-written book or the most poetic as far as how she puts words together. But for me there's something sweetly endearing and relatable about her. The struggle of lost love and inner growth is something most have gone thru and that whiny girl who can't let go and thinks the worst of herself has certainly reared her ugly head more times than I'd like to admit. So I keep turning page after page while I sit on the bike at the gym and while I've let my exercise routine lapse the last few weeks during my own downward spiral, I'm back at it and feeling stronger.. book in hand while I pedal.

The book is about her year of travels where she spent equal amounts of time in Italy, India and Indonesia in an effort to process her relationship demons. I'm in the midst of her journey within an Ashram in India where she was seeking a deeper sense of spirituality in conjunction with her larger goal to heal.

What I find funny is that often when I pick up a book, it's to distract me for a little while and capture a little of someone else's imagination in order to be carried away and forget what I'm dealing with. So I reached the point where someone has given her a list of instructions for freedom by which to meditate. I dog-eared one page inparticular for these two lines of instruction:

'Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.'

'When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.'

Clearly - I can't get away from what I'm dealing with even for 30 minutes at the gym. And maybe there's a different kind of exercise I'm in need of.

I remembered something from the bit of Buddhism that I know which is that suffering is caused by attachment. Yet, attachment seems unavoidable to me. I mean, we're human. Attachment is necessary. But as I recently acknowledged, there was an attachment in my life I could no longer hold onto because it was only causing me pain. So I made a motion to let it go.. or release the doves, as Shine says. I practically wrestled that relationship in an effort to get what I wanted, but it wouldn't be coerced. And why should I convince anyone to be with me or convince myself that settling for whatever small bits are offered could ever be enough? I shouldn't in either case. Those lines just reminded me that not only did I do the right thing, but there's no negativity surrounding that. It stings, but I wish that ache a fond farewell and welcome the transition in my heart to move on.

I know I love. I know I'm loved. My meditation is in those words. My freedom lies there.

I shall not be moved.

*****************************************

In that same line of thinking, how do we avoid useless suffering? Avoiding attachments altogether seems a bit drastic, doesn't it? I'm drawn by connection first - a chemistry I can't visibly see, but once I feel that familiar pull of an intense gaze, a few charming words in a suggestive and playful tone - I'm caught. Now if Timing would just see to work with me instead of against me, those things wouldn't be so bittersweet. But the opportunities in front of me aren't ones for reaching out to from what I'm gathering. I think they're there to show me what could be possible. Not actually options to pursue. Sort of like the display model in a store. Not actually for sale and in fact, they're sold out, but they can't take it out of the window just yet. So it lends to asking the question - am I attracted to the wrong things? Chemistry is great - but when you have it with someone who is, for any number of reasons, unavailable, it's rather moot.

Ali called me late the other night while I was in the midst of processing this door-closing issue with Boris. I know I sounded shaky and sad and he asked me what happened. After my saga, he discussed his possible romances and one seemed a bit extreme for her young age and how far away she'd moved. I teased him saying he couldn't pursue her because before he did that, we should be getting back together as the three hours apart we are is a lot more reasonable than the 10 between them. Then he said that if things were different, there wouldn't be any question about who he would choose to be with because that would be me...... I think for a second - and seriously, it felt longer than that - I was fairly stunned.

The love between us isn't in doubt. He was, at one time, the love of my life, I thought. I pined for two years and compared everyone I dated to him for much longer than that. But sure, I eventually fell out of love with him, but I'd thought he'd done that first - even before we'd broken up. He corrected me and said he'd never once stopped loving me. Not that he was proposing we get back together that very instant, but even saying that seemed to leave it open for discussion, which still had me shellshocked when we finally said goodbye.

What am I to think? Yet another situation that seems.. improbable.. and at the same time, it overwhelmed me with warmth knowing that it's not impossible for someone to love me for years. And as silly and self-deprecating as that sounds.. I mean, a girl begins to wonder when her definition of a successful relationship is one that goes longer than a few weeks.

Yes, our history was extremely significant to both of us, but do we find our way back to each other when the other opportunities simply aren't redeeming? And were we different people then and have we changed so much that if we were to consider the possibility of reconnecting, would the relationship be different/better/healthier? Or do we use the other as a designation of where we set the bar and continue to seek out someone new who hits that measure at minimum?

I find myself feeling more emotion than one can really understand all at once. At one end I have this compelling connection with someone who's become a close friend - and my feelings get all tangled up with the butterflies flitting around and all the happy I feel when I'm around him. At the other end, I feel a deep sadness in my heart knowing Boris and I have to try harder this time to keep our distance so we can both heal and come back as friends when we're ready. Throw in my rebounding with Boz and Ali's surprise statements and you can see how my head's about to explode.

Eight knows I hate this, but for whatever it's worth, I need to just accept the love that's shown in the moments it's shown and be happy. So it's not the exact level of love I want from at least two of them and yes, I'd like to hear one of them express something more in line with what I'm feeling, but it's not going to happen. I know they both love me, but in their own way and each has too many other variables and their own demons to work thru. I'm ok with that. I still have lots of work to do myself. I don't regret what I feel. That's who I am. By nature, love is unconditional, unselfish and is given without expectation of it being returned. Yes, it's a little lonely and a little frustrating, but I choose to be open to the grace that inspires in me and not be swallowed up by anything bitter because my feelings are unrequited.

It's safe. I'm letting go.

I'm not caught.. I'm free.

I love. I am loved.

I shall not be moved.

Fini

I closed a door today. I don't think he recognized it when it happened. I said I wouldn't be going away for the weekend with him because upon our return, we'd still be exactly where we were before we left. Nothing has changed about what I want.. or what he doesn't. So would a weekend trip change that? Unlikely. It's the same pattern we've had for six months. You'd think one of us would start to see it.

He later asked how I was doing and I didn't really want to talk. I mean, what would I say that I hadn't said prior - that had already not made a difference the first time? Second time? And why was I feeling more and more sad about the whole thing?

Because I guess I love him.

Loved?

Love.

No. Loved. Or it will be that way.. eventually. Whatever.

He wasn't really getting why I was down and I just couldn't explain it.

I said, 'I'm letting you go. I think you need to do the same.'

And I let that sink in.....

He replied, 'Ok.'

I might've cried at that point. It's unclear. The only witness was the cat and she's not talking.