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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Sunny Days

I know I need to keep up here.. and I've done a crappy job of it lately.. but holy cow you guys.. it's 85 here and days like today don't make me want to stay in and write - tho I am cleaning and getting some errands done.

Miss Shine's family comes in this afternoon so I will officially get to meet Mama Shine, which I'm very excited about. I think I have a date later.. kind of.. I mean, men are strange when the sun comes out.. and I'm writing a post about my blog-versary that I frickin missed again! I'm retarded.. BUT.. I'm happy right now.. at this minute.. and I like that. 

There's so much to discuss.. some great: I'm the new production manager for the Balagan Theatre! And some crushing: my friend Abby's father had become seriously ill in a very short time and passed away unexpectedly this last week.. Girl I'm sending you all my strength and love right now.. sigh... 

So for the rest of you.. get out there and enjoy this gorgeous weekend. Have a popsicle! Life is short you know.. now shoo!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Breathing It Out

I used to run for an hour on this perfect route I had around Ashland when I was in college. My favorite was coming out of my afternoon classes into a rainy evening and actually looking forward to a run where I would get completely soaked. It was hard. I'm not a runner. I'm pigeon-toed from the right hip especially, but it was something I got into and started to feel I needed.

A couple of years ago my lower back began to hurt when I would lay down or get up in the morning. As time progressed, I eventually couldn't touch my toes without pain and I was starting to have these very quick but frightening back spasms that literally had me on the floor when they would occur. My acupuncturist I started to see regularly knew it wasn't from any trauma, but just living life. Pretty simple, but unnerving as well. I had to stop running and certain other exercises that used my back. I couldn't even run down the block if I was late to anything, which we all know is often.

After about a year of treatment, I stopped last fall and the pain hasn't returned. I felt sure enough to start running again recently and tho I run for a lot less time than I ever did, I think overall it's still working for me. I don't think this body is made for that kind of exertion on the joints and I'll never win any races, that's for sure.. which is just fine with me.

If you've ever done any kind of running for exercise you know that feeling after you're done. I don't think it's just me who feels like I'm mentally clearer, my eye sight seems sharper, if I sing in the car on the way home, my voice is brighter and stronger. I feel whatever stress has lived in my day was left behind in the last mile, the last stretch of pushing myself to complete exhaustion and poof! Vanished like that. I tingle. I feel the air on my skin. I'm tired, but alert, worn out, but exhilarated.

With work and life complications on my mind, the gym has been the place where I don't feel tied to anything. I'm in my own space, I only think of the minutes passed and the minutes left on the timer, the reps I've done or have left to do.. I try not to obsess about my body flaws and just envision feeling strong. I have a rhythm and a pace and I concentrate on my breathing and making sure the oxygen gets to every cell I can imagine it reaching.

Last night when I was there running out my day's concerns, I was fine until I reached the point I was done and began to stretch. I closed my eyes and tried to pull into all my muscles and stretched as long and as far as I could. But with my breath, my worries began to creep in alongside. My faults from the day, how I could've been a better person but chose not to be here and there, how I responded, what I said, did, and felt.. my discomfort regarding a particular relationship that isn't even something established and that I'm keeping at arm's length by choice.. all clamored down on me and I started to get emotional.

I felt very small.. I wanted to stretch my way into the smallest ball of a person I could and disappear into some sort of impossible invisibility. That dark place I'd discussed about being most of this year was trying to regain its footing and I didn't want to let it, but it's proving tenacious. So I let all the negative in and found more things to add to it. But then I did something that even surprised me: I asked forgiveness of myself.

I went down the list, eyes still closed and still breathing into each stretch and I thought of the last few difficult months that Shine has endured with me.. and then proceeded to recognize our most recent chat that could've escalated to frustration, but I found a calmer voice and more appropriate words than I had in the past and we had a very productive discussion that made us both feel better.

I thought of this very uncomfortable situation between the woman Boz is dating and myself and tho we do like each other as women, the weight of knowing each other as friends is too complicated for me to take on right now. The opportunity to get to know her and how great of a person she is matters, but at this time, it doesn't matter more than my own self-preservation and prevention of drama where all parties are concerned. I forgave myself for coming to a conclusion that may seem closed-minded, but is the best decision for me currently. I do hope at some point in the future that changes.

And as far as my work environment, I'm not always the best at relaying something out logically because the emotion can cloud it, however, I said what people would not say, I made valid points clearly, and tho they don't recognize my passion for what it is or even know why I feel it, they understand I'm integral to the company. I'm aware they feel that way, but I can also see that I feel wasted in ability and for who I am and that responsibility falls on me, not them, to do something about that eventually. I forgave myself for allowing my professional life to affect me negatively outside of work and decided I'd start working towards a serious change in that direction.

The things I focused on after that: I talked to my Canadian prince, Ali, and wished him a happy 33'rd birthday, reminding him how deeply I still loved him and felt the warmth of that velvety voice and the love he still feels for me wash over me. Shine offered her open-hearted wisdom, which I let sink in and gave me a much-needed hug before she called it a night. And I thought seriously about the discussion Eight and I had during the day about all these complications and wished him my love and gratitude for being supportive when I really needed guidance.

I felt very loved when I went to sleep and tried to send that energy back out to the Universe and to all the people in my life who accept me as I am - flawed, certainly, but not boring either.. Mostly I know they know how sincere I am in my efforts spent trying to be a better person all the time. I'm safe in that feeling.

I fell asleep worn out, but comforted. Emma snuggled up and purring and my last thought was damn.. that running thing is really good for me. Who knew?

Monday, June 09, 2008

In Focus

After a very long Monday in the Cubicle Farm, which I dragged my frustrated self to and will continue to do so til that elusive Independent Wealth falls in my lap, I left feeling more exhausted and frustrated than I did this morning. Did I almost go home and go to bed afterwards? Ummmm.. yes.. but I didn't, ok.. so there! I ended up at the gym because I knew I needed to expend the last bit of irritated energy into something good for me. Hey! Look at me! Isn't that growth?! I think.. maybe it is!

Ok.. this is starting out WAY too excited for how I'm really feeling, which is reflective and all mellowy.. not that you can tell or anything but seriously.. on the couch, Emma asleep on my ankles in a way that would make it difficult to move so honestly, really not jumping up and down here.. not in the slightest..

Anyhoo..

I hate the gym.. I go because I need to. Because if I didn't, I would be as big as a house. I eat normally and pretty healthy, however, I still like to eat. So. If I don't work out, my metabolism isn't awesome enough to keep me slim like some lucky bitches people out there. But more than that.. when I'm done, I'm clear. Clear of the fog from the day, awake, fatigued, but in a good way, happier. I feel like I've shed a skin. The sweat has released me and yes, I stink and I'm a mess, but it feels great when I'm done and I walk out into the chilly Seattle June evening.

I'm unhappy with my job and my love life.. but having direction, having an outlet helps. I mean, like I said before, spring arrives late to this area.. so like all of a sudden, if I don't give myself some sort of fix vertically, I'm going to be tempted much too easily and make some rash horizontal decisions.. I mean, hi, I'm a scorpio.. it's in my nature. Not that it's not going around because GOOD GOD does the boy next door get busy.. like ALL THE TIME and even RIGHT NOW.. THIN WALLS MAN.. Could you give it a rest?! Some of us are barely keeping ourselves out of a nunnery! No need to brag so loudly! God! I mean, yes, I get some very good opportunities with Boz, but he can't be my answer. It'd be nice to have someone a little more steady and oh.. I don't know.. who actually cared to see me more than maybe at 1 am on a Saturday night.. and that's not to say that I'm not just as guilty. But see.. this is again, why I'm doing things for me..

The Balagan Theatre kids had a little get-a-way this weekend and decided they might like yours truly to be their production manager.. of every production! How rad is that?! Wait, I'll tell you. Pretty rad! Possibly even the raddest! And I'm ever so excited about it and, if I continue on the Path Of Rad by doing well with all this mad responsibility they're going to bestow upon me and don't completely fuck it up, they'll make me a part of the company! And I know you can't see my face, but trust me.. UBER smiley about that. That's my goal right now.. to be an integral part of a collective of artists that are dedicated to what they love, which is creating fantastic work that also doesn't suck. I may be overwhelmed and stressed out eventually, but I couldn't have asked for more. It's a gift and I really adore them for being such amazing people and asking me to work with them.

Now the band.. well.. we still don't have a name. And don't think it's because I haven't tried, people.. because I have.. holy crap. The Kickin Gypsies sounded too folksy, The Drunken Angels couldn't be kept because a former member in the band had a drinking problem.. and you know, being Angel and having 'angel' in the band name feels a little narcissistic. Tho I think it's great for somewhere in a soul band's name in my opinion, but um, I'm not everyone.. so.. fine. Then a friend came up with The Notary Public and if you live with it for longer than two seconds without dismissing it like a Negative Nelly (and you know who you are), it starts to sink in.. and personally, um.. I think it's awesome.. however, after it was suggested, there were many jokes about being The Dept of Bureaus and it just went downhill from there. Then it was The Get Downs or The Git Downs, which sounded to some like a country hip hop band.. or a hick funk band.. and whichever it was, wasn't good. Not to mention that tho it may not be copywrited, there are like five other bands on myspace alone with the name. Junebugs? Taken. The Mayflies? That too. I posed The Bottle Cap Angels and that didn't take, but they went on and on about The Bottle Caps til they found that another group cornered that one first (and thank God). So we're back to the drawing board of lame suggestions and kids' soccer team names - The Dragons? The Noble Dragons (Miss Shine was quick to quash that saying it sounded much too much like The Mighty Ducks. Thank goodness she had my back because.. do either of those say soul band to you?)?? But I have some good ones we're not using so if you need a band name.. um.. I've got a few I haven't shared. But hey.. you know creativity ain't cheap.. just saying.. damn, I should go into marketing.

So I don't get everything I want.. these unavailable men that twitterpate me into next week.. and the unknown dream job.. not to mention this messed up 49 degree weather in frickin JUNE frankly sucks ass and I would like just a smidge of the 90 degree heat Chicago can't seem to share.. but I feel like I just finally got some air. I can breathe and doors are opening and with that, light is being shed on this dark place I've been for half the year. And honey, I clearly stayed there way too long.