One of my friends said in December that she was going to take 2010 out back and shoot it. Well, she said, she was going to light it on fire, laugh at it, point, and then shoot it. I told her to get in line.
I make the same resolutions every year. Silently - as if to say outloud I'm not really making any because I don't want anyone to know there's anything to fix because I think I'm pretty awesome actually.. but while 2009 was a difficult year on my heart and I hoped it would simply get better, 2010 went for the glottal artery and took blatant potshots at my ego. The heart will always recover once you realize people aren't who you thought they were or where exactly they were in their lives when you met and it can all make sense. The ego.. well.. it's fragile like the soft spot on a baby's head. You have to keep it warm and wrapped up in cute little hats so it's nurtured and you become a well-balanced and nice person. But if you say.. kick it over and over because you just want to see what happens.. well, that's going to be one messed up baby.
Maybe it's the mood I'm in tonight - I turned on something mellow to finish up some cleaning around the apartment before I went to bed and The Weepies came on. Let me just give you some advice, my four dear readers: Do not, NO, I say, DO NOT listen to The Weepies if you are, in fact, anywhere near something resembling emotions where your face may leak from your eyes. They have the Power to Evoke. Yes, they do! And DEAR GOD DO NOT make one of their songs one of your cute little lovey dovey couples songs because FOR PETE'S SAKE AND ALL THAT IS HOLY.. you will NOT be able to listen to one iota of a note for maybe like almost TWO YEARS without gushing into pile of said evokey feelings. No, you will not. Take it from me.
So NOW, here we are.. I'm getting all evokey due to said Weepies making me actually weep slightly, which kind of annoys me that they have this Power and all and I think someone should be taking note of this and reporting it to the right people (hellooo?) - and I think well, maybe I should make some resolutions this year and do my best to stick to them. Say them outloud even AND in print! Then you are accountable! You are responsible for doing all you can to meet them! And you are shouting it! Which clearly means you are dedicated! You are committed! Or just annoying the upstairs neighbors..
Anyway.. here goes:
My 2011 Resolutions: (in no particular order)
* Shoot 2010 in the face.
(Oh. Right. Did that. Oops.)
* Be on time - for everything.
Doesn't matter what time you get there if you're not on time. All the work you do after that point is simply discounted sometimes. Better to be on time or better, a little early. I think I just have this thing about waiting and not liking to do it. Must change perspective.
* Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative.
I do this annoying thing called interrupting, which I am getting better at.. but worse still, when I take on projects, I make them mine. ALL mine. So much mine that I become quite the mama bear about them - rather territorial and then there's no room for other opinions unless everyone agrees with me or has ideas that I like. Yeah.. people don't like that so much.
* Choose better words.
When being 'direct and honest' I need to be cautious. This is partly for me and partly for everyone else as a courtesy. I work well with directness and honesty to and from others. At least when someone is direct with me, be it harsh or not, I know where I stand. When I'm direct with those who may not know me well - and even with those who do - I can come across as blunt or abrasive. It's not usually meant that way and most times I certainly don't think I've said it that way, but thinking before speaking can help with how my candor is received and perceived. And yes, it's something I really need to work on. This one's a toughie.
* Speak less.
Seriously. My opinion doesn't have to be heard on Ev.Ery.Thing. Shocking, I know.. but a friend of mine absorbs.. and then speaks.. and it's just so wise. He's an old soul tho and I should do more learning from him. I wish he could teach me how to control those impulses. I swear sometimes words are just like jumping beans inside me needing to get out. Would Children's Benadryl knock them out or would I just be comatose all the time? Lesser of two evils? Hm.. see what I mean? Mouth. Closed. More. Often. Period.
* Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister.
My family life was pretty dysfunctional growing up. I think my brother and I have realized we're softening and it's good to reflect on that and treat each other more like friends. That said, my mother and I haven't found that common ground very often. It's only briefly and infrequent and the other times are way too much like I'm still 17 and living at home and can't wait to leave. I want more understanding of my mother so I can prevent myself from getting to that place where she hates talking to me and I hate myself for becoming that bratty 17 year old. I should also talk to my grandmother more since she's the last one left living.. and she has some great stories she needs to tell us, I just know. She's quite the character.
* Find my bliss.
I don't know what this is or how to find it. It's a lot more vague than I even understand right now, but it just popped in my head and tho it's cliché, it's something true. I need to find what makes me happy so that I don't pull someone else in and subconsciously ask him to be it for me - because it's not another person. It's inward and it could take most of the other things to fall into place before I can get there.. but I want it out there so I'm accountable for making sure I find it - whatever it is.
2011 started out 180 degrees better than last year when someone stole my bag with everything I needed to identify myself and I didn't get it all back for 24 hours. I knew right then that 2010 was cursed - I'd be ok, eventually, but it would be a seriously uncomfortable and disconcerting year filled with unexpected surprises - and not good ones at that. As much as I fought it, it took its toll on me over the course of the year and I finally and mercilessly kicked that shit to the curb and slammed the door in its face when the clock struck midnight this last weekend.
I've been out with two of three guys from that night who sparked an interest and who are still interested after initial dates - amazing! There's one left to meet up with next week, thank you. I am not sad for that situation. That would be looking the finally open Cute Boy Gate in the mouth now, wouldn't it?
I had a massage yesterday and it reminded me I needed to do more of that throughout the year - that whole just taking care of myself sometimes. Do less. Stop taking on so much. Stop making it all about myself. Be nicer, be kinder.. breathe..
2011 - no pressure.. but here I come. Brace yourself.
