Miss Devylish

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

2012-01-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't write about my third trip to Burning Man in 2010. I'm not sure why. Eight months into a bumpy year of losing my job, a bruised ego, and trying to figure out what would come next, I stepped out onto the playa, into a camp I'd just joined earlier that year, and it began to rain. Hard. The playa doesn't take to rain well, at least not if you're trying to walk on it. It becomes a very cement-like type mud. Quickly. Luckily, rain there doesn't last long and about 10-15 minutes later, it subsided and left a fantastic and intense rainbow afterwards. And then it did the most perfect thing and doubled. You could hear cheers across the entire playa. The collective joy was infectious. I was Home. I was officially a burner.

You might think it odd I didn't consider myself a burner until the third time I made this crazy trip to the desert. I certainly participated to the fullest extent each time - well, mostly - but it can take some time to decide if that's what you want to be. You can lose and find your bearings within seconds of each other at an event where your bearings are constantly shifting because your comfort level is continually being challenged and you don't know what to wear or bring because someone is always wearing something better or brighter and there's so much to see you couldn't possibly see it all. Phew! For me though, it was a sense of belonging. I belong to a magnificent community now and It belongs to me. The community of Burning Man is the larger parental life-force, but I'm talking about the community of my own camp, Hippocampus.

My very first trip was phenomenal and new and shocking and so many other words I can't find right now that wouldn't describe it appropriately anyway. I knew there was nothing like it anywhere in the rest of the world. And I was there. To experience it all.

Pixie, who now lives in Portland and is a blonde force to be reckoned with when she's trying to convince you of something new, coerced me into the idea of going in the first place because, the smartie that she is, she suggested an offer I couldn't really refuse. She'd buy my ticket if I went with her. A free trip to Burning Man. In retrospect, this was an enormous gift. I don't think I quite understood it at the time, but the burn changed my life. Really and truly it did and still does. I'll always be grateful to that gorgeous girl for opening that door for me.

Afterwards, I returned to the Real World in an extremely calm and happy state and could only attribute that to the indescribable experience I'd just had - and all the Vitamin D from a week's worth of non-stop sun. I couldn't stop talking about my adventure and knew I was going back in the coming year. No question. I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable and wanted a bit more of an organized clan.

My second year I became a sort of Pixie. I talked up the experience so much that a whole group of friends decided to come with me. No tents this time, RV's instead and we camped with extended friends called Baggage Check who promised covered showers. I swear, a week of cleaning yourself with baby wipes will change you and not in ways you'd appreciate.

For whatever reason, my second burn was just meh for me. I'm so glad my friends fell in love with the playa despite my experience that year, but I expected to feel more at home and instead felt awkward and out of place. I didn't connect with anyone in our extended camp and I was distracted by the boyfriend I desperately missed because we were deep in our honeymoon phase when I left. The frequent and lengthy dust storms that year didn't help either so with two more days still to get thru, I felt defeated and wanted to go home. I needed a stronger community to surround me and knew before I came back again, I'd have to find that.

It's an understatement that 2009 was a difficult year. I didn't go to the burn because I didn't want to pretend I was ok. Your issues have a way of finding you in the desert because there are so many opportunities for being rubbed raw - and not in a good way. It's the desert. Even surrounded by 50,000 people, you can end up on your own and feel isolated within your own reflections. I'd been reflecting.. all year.. and I couldn't move past it. I needed to jumpstart my healing after spending most of the year being so depressed no one, including myself, recognized me. So I spent two amazing weeks in Barcelona distracting myself and trying to let go. It didn't magically fix everything, but I felt renewed and more positive so by the following year, I was finally grounded and whole.

2010 was the Year of the Hippo - for me anyway. Introduced by common friends, I noticed there was always a welcoming feeling when you walked into any Hippocampus party or potluck. Someone always reached out to me, the homes I was invited to always lacked that ego-driven first impression energy where people are looking you up and down or wondering who you're connected to. Instead there were hugs. Not handshakes. Hugs. As in a hug from everyone who met you and in a room of 20-30 people, that's a lot of hugging. It felt like I'd stepped back into the burn for a moment each time I met these people.. and tho I didn't quite know what to expect being involved with a working theme camp, I knew this was a better fit for me.

The Hippos are a fun group to be apart of despite the fact Hippocampus is a working theme camp, which means just that - you work a lot. There are domes to set up, shade structure to tie down, and cafe and dinner shifts to work. It could sometimes be frustrating and difficult, but the Hippos were organized, they got their dance on often and well, they're very present and open and they're really a very genuinely loving group of people. It also doesn't hurt they're really easy on the eyes - like seriously, our people are so pretty it's ridic. And even tho I didn't connect with many of them as much as I'd wanted to before the trip, we arrived at camp, right before the double rainbow moment and that was spectacularly good sign.

I had two favorite camp moments that year: when we volunteered at the gates for our greeter shift at the beginning of the week and David and Victor's wedding at the end of it. Each time it was something we did as a whole camp together and the energy and happiness just oozed out pores. You couldn't help but get caught up in it and who wouldn't want to?

The greeters are your last point of check in before you head into the playa. As a virgin burner, the greeters are in charge of beginning your first burn positively because we know the virgins are excited and nervous and have no idea what to expect. So once it's your turn to be greeted, they ask you where you're from and how many times you've been to Burning Man. If it's your first time, they ask you to get out of your vehicle so they can begin your official initiation. First, you're welcomed Home with a big hug and a huge smile. Then, since the dust is going to be in everything you own anyway, they ask you to get intimately acquainted with it and make a dust angel, roll around in it, whatever. Yes - many people protest, but usually they all give in. Lastly, they give you a metal rod and tell you to ring the bell closest to the gate and exclaim as loudly as possible, ‛I'm a virgin no more!’ This seals your entry, you're hugged again, because why not, and you're sent off with the sound advice to drink more water, don't put anything in the potty that doesn't come out of your body and safety third! Well, that last one is a Hippo saying we just find funny..

We met people from all over the world. I remember a girl from as far away as Dubai. There were car or busloads of Irish, Norwegians, Danes, Canadians, Israelis.. I mean, it was incredible to me to understand the hours of travel anyone from outside the states had to do to get there, but they came regardless. Last year, Burning Man was listed in Time Magazine's book, Great Places of History: Civilization's 100 Most Important Sites: An Illustrated Journey, so this one-of-a-kind event had finally been acknowledged as the magical place it is and I feel really lucky to live so close to it although many of the people we greeted traveled days or even weeks to be there and put my little 16 hour trip each way to shame. Greeting is now such high point of the trip for all of us, we've since made it a burn tradition and volunteer for a shift every year.

Our friend Sebastian greets a virgin at the 2011 Rites of Passage burn and is instructing her how to get down and dirty, so to speak, in the dust for the first time. You can also see the line of bells along the front of the gates.

Again from 2011's burn, Rites of Passage. At the end of our shift, we're all on our camp bus on our way back to camp. We were tired and exhausted because this was taken at 8am. 2010's shift was a Tuesday, 12pm to 4pm and it was hot like whoa. But this last year, we worked a Tuesday, 4am to 8am shift. A totally different experience. Shockingly, the line was much, much longer when we arrived to greet at 4am. This line at 8am was nothing obviously.

Then there was David and Victor's wedding. They're a super sweet and gorgeous couple from New York at the time who were/are long-time burners and Hippos. Getting to know them beforehand was fun. They reminded me of my best gay boyfriends in Seattle, very easy to get along with, biting wit if needed, but not catty. They're just very genuine guys who were/are madly in love. Their ceremony couldn't have been more moving and powerful for all of us. I'd never seen a wedding so eclectically dressed, but this was their second family and they wanted all of them, or rather, us, to be part of it. I felt extremely honored. We even threw them a super fun bachelor party the night before with our own Hippo lap dancers - one professional, one just for comedy. It was all kinds of awesome.

The happy couple picked out an art instillation to have their wedding under (which of course is not really pictured - sorry!) and their closest friends covered them with a canopy (it was extremely windy that afternoon).

Two of our group went around the Hippo circle surrounding David and Victor and wrapped ribbon around our wrists so we were all connected. I thought this was a really lovely idea.

Some of the hippos to the left of me in the circle. Our wedding attire was requested to be silvery or steampunk if we could. Hardly formal attire, but it qualifies as 'burner wedding' for sure.

Returning to the Real World after that was disappointing. We all emailed about our decompression depression because so many of the Hippos don't live in Seattle and after a week's worth of intense connection and everyone goes back home, you miss them. A lot. So to prevent disconnection in our own city, we began our own Seattle traditions. Almost every Friday there's a potluck at the home of one couple who also were first-year Hippos like me and luckily, live only two blocks from my house. We created nights of dancing and taking over straight bridge-and-tunnel type clubs who didn't know what to think of us when we showed up dressed to the burner nines. We have birthday parties and baby showers and celebrate New Year's together and some are in a men's or women's group looking for a bit more direction and evolution in their lives. I've reached out to many of them for support, love, advice, venting, laughter, dinners, costumes to borrow.. I mean it's my bottomless resource. They're people I want to emulate and they influence me positively. They're my chosen family. They've made me stronger, wiser, more patient, more open, more kind.. a better person overall.

Thank you, Pixie, for saying those three little words, 'Come with me.' It changed my life. Sparkly love to you and all my Hippos.

Only Fools Rush In..

2012-01-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm just gonna start the catching up process where I left off in oh.. (Christ..) August. Yeah.. no, that's not daunting at all. *Smacks hand to forehead* Sigh.. you've been warned. These will be epic.

So let's start with things as much in order as I can remember. Bernstein. What a freakin mess that was. Unfortunately, this is what I get for rushing things. When will I learn this lesson? As you read this, keep in mind this was a one month relationship. True story. One month. I can practically hear you shaking your head. I know.. sometimes I'm that girl.. but hey, the first two weeks with someone can be so dreamy you lose track of real time. Love makes you fucking crazy. That's my only excuse. NOT that this was that.. but we thought about it..

We met a month before I left for the desert. He was in the upcoming cast I was stage managing (one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time.) and we both developed a big crush and twitterpations. Fast forward to two weeks later after we'd virtually spent every second together since he'd returned from a week away in Eastern Washington working with Seattle Shakes. At this point, we were both talking about some heavy feelings and I felt great about it. Still, we had to come up for air because not only was I prepping for Burning Man, but I was sponsoring my longtime friend, AM, into my camp who'd never been and it doubled my workload and stress of packing and coordinating all the million details required. There was also just basic day to day stuff like laundry and house cleaning that had built up because we'd been too busy being schmoopy and simply staring into each other's eyes like love-struck idiots.

I didn't explain the space needed very delicately to Bernstein - partially because I just thought he'd understand with all the time we'd already had together and partially because I honestly didn't have the bandwidth to be tactful. I had shit to do and a week left to do it in. Still, I made every possible minute with him count or at least I thought I did. He began to lose it on a regular basis - and by lose it, I do mean wig the fuck out. Seriously. For example, we'd just had a lovely morning together and I went to get my hair dyed and trimmed. Not a short appointment, but just 30 minutes into it, I got a text out of no where saying he wasn't sure of 'things' to which I had to press for 'what sort of things' and it quickly spiraled downward from there. I felt panicky and like I was talking to a crazy girl. But trying to be understanding, I cancelled my after-salon plans with a girlfriend I'd made and met him immediately to put his insecurities to rest and I thought that was that. He'd been reassured. He was definitely in it and wanted to be with me, I showed him he was important. We were good.

Later that week, I'd left to nanny for six hours. An hour into it, he starts up again. This time, I'm unable to get into it with him until that night after rehearsal because I have to focus on the children and I'm super frustrated he tried to handle his feelings this way again. He goes back and forth with his texts eventually apologizing for putting me on the spot when I can't talk face to face. And I'm at a loss. How did I become the reasonable one in the relationship? That's new. I mean, I'm the sensitive one. I want to be the priority. I don't understand why guys need so much space, etc. And somehow I knew this was the beginning of crazy. I just hoped I was wrong.

We worked it out but the week of Burning Man was swiftly approaching. He was clearly out of his element in understanding what this trip and my friends who are apart of it meant to me and tho I spent time with him, tried to explain it, let him know I'd be coming back to him and was so excited to share my adventures, I wasn't sure he really got it. Our communication was good in person, surprisingly, but we'd have whole conversations over text because honestly, I hate talking on the phone after working in telecommunications for 10 years. My bad, I know. After the second time he freaked out, since we did so much chatting with text, he asked me if we could promise not to do anything drastic over it. Asked if there was an issue, we meet first and work things out in person. I agreed, of course. We were adults, not high school kids.. duh.. that was a no brainer. Again, I thought we were good.. all freak-outs aside.

In his defense, prep for my trip really did make me insane. I wasn't patient, I got annoyed easily, mostly because he was always in my space, and I was overtired. But I let him know when this was all over, I'd be back to normal. Pinky swear. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get organized quickly enough or in the way I wanted at all - even for my fourth trip, it was kind of ridiculous. I was all over the map and feeling this uncertain energy from Bernstein as well, which wasn't helping.

I committed to spending the last night before the trip with him. What that meant to him and what it meant to me by definition I found out later were two different things. Not being as ready as I wanted, that meant I would come over when I was all packed and ready to go. To him, that meant I should've had that shit done before that night so we could have an actual date. Guess who's way that went? At 4am, I straggled over to his place because I'd made that commitment. I could've just texted a lame apology and fallen into my own bed since I had to be up in 2.5 hours but I didn't. That would've been crappy. Still, I thought that he'd understand. He was loving and sweet and at 6:30am, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. As I left his place, I just had this gut feeling something wasn't right with him, but I let it go because I had to focus on this trip I'd been planning for a year. If he thought I was being selfish, then so be it. We'd deal with that when I returned.

The trip takes two days to arrive and the morning of our second day, just as we were leaving Lakeview, Oregon where we stopped for breakfast and gas, I got a vague text from him - to feel free to do whatever I wanted and to have a great trip. Um.. ok.. we'd talked about what I was and wasn't allowed to do while gone since the desert can lead to all kinds of situations with all kinds of people. Kissing was fine, sex was not. So I was confused by his text and AM thought he was trying to test me. Really? Because I don't need to be tested. That's juvenile. I tried calling, he didn't answer. I got the distinct feeling he was again doing that hit and run thing but ignoring me this time. I left him a sweet message and left it at that. There was nothing more I could do til the trip was over.

I'd told Bernstein once I got closer to the desert, we'd lose communication abilities and be incommunicado for the week. I knew he'd have a hard time with that after how much time we'd just spent joined at the hip, but that's what the burn is about. You live in the moment. Exponentially. You put technology aside and you're as present as possible while there. That said, we had early arrival passes and the organization that puts on the event does have internet and phone service pulsing throughout the desert up until the gates open officially and then they dial it down so only they have the most access to it (or something like that - don't quote me.. I'm no IT wizard.). AM got a phone call literally as we approached the official road to the burn which shocked me so I wondered if I had service and it was enough to text Bernstein I'd arrived safe and sound, heart emoticons included. We did a little exploring after arriving and later, I had enough internet to email him of my day's adventures since we'd arrived and that I missed him. I didn't think to explain further because I told him not to expect a word once I left and I didn't write him beyond that first day and put my phone away.

Surprisingly, tho my signal was pretty nil the rest of the week, I'd noticed Saturday I'd received an email from Bernstein and it didn't sound positive. He thought that since I hadn't written anymore that I was blowing him off or mad. I didn't know til we left the desert and had a stronger signal that he'd sent a previous email that hadn't come thru yet letting me know that with my time away, he'd made some decisions and he wanted to talk about them when I returned. It was a lot of stuff I couldn't focus on right then because a) I couldn't address it 16 hours away from home and b) I didn't want to. This felt like so much more drama than it needed to be and it just made me mad. I didn't want it to color my burn so I ignored it until the end of the trip.

Sunday night, after the temple burn, we packed up the car and headed out - me and my three other friends. We sat in line to get out for three hours, and at 3am, there was no way to safely make it anywhere as tired as we were so we slept in the van til dawn on Monday in the town just outside Burning Man. Once we all got some real sleep and were kind of awake and chatting later, I finally received Bernstein's first email and could see there was a problem. I thought I could get a solid signal after we passed thru some major towns and tried calling him. That was my first mistake. He didn't want to talk at all actually and even tho we attempted a little, after a few minutes, the call dropped. Frustrated, I started texting because I knew when I got home, it'd be too late to have a heavy relationship chat. I was upset and I simply wanted to understand what he was feeling, to be reassured myself for once. But he wasn't having it. I kept trying to be kind, but I was persistent and somehow that escalated the issue for him to where he was so frustrated he texted 'I just feel we need to end things,' and I stopped breathing for a second. Only a second. Because after that I just got angry. I knew something wasn't right, but a break up? Over text?! Really?! Call me nuts but I think that falls under the heading of 'something drastic', which, as mentioned above, he'd made me promise a week ago we wouldn't do over text.

'Do you even know how hypocritical that is right now,' I asked him in shock.

'You pushed me to answer. I told you to wait,' he texted back bluntly.

Yeah.. that's what I did. He told me to wait so like a reasonable person in this completely logical situation I was handed unexpectedly after a pretty exhausting week, I should've just obeyed or something and since I didn't, my punishment was that he did the next logical thing anyone would do and HE ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. Yeah.. made total sense to me too. Fucker.

** Side note: I also had edema, which means I was dehydrated so much (which I still don't understand how I did to myself with all the constant drinking of water.) that any water in my system wasn't processing correctly and instead was collecting in my cells so I was swollen to the extent my non-burner clothes for the ride home didn't fit and I was woozy and spacey for three days til I figured it out and slept with my feet elevated. So yeah.. the opposite of awesome.**

I was livid. I told him I was done talking til I returned home. My friends were as shocked as I was, tho from his earlier messages on the way to the burn, we all thought he'd been strange. AM offered some sanity in just a few words. And for those of you just joining us, AM is my guy friend who also speaks Guy.. you know that guy friend you have that can tell you what guys mean when they do or say this or that. We've been friends almost as long as I've lived in Seattle.. pretty close to 16 years. We dated when we met, we stayed friends thru thick and thin since then so he knows me.. for reals. He knows how I lack patience where men are concerned, how I can pick some real winners, how I can be stupidly girly and do or say the wrong thing with the same men I only want to get closer to and he can talk me out of my crazy tree when I get stressed out, which is why we drove together in case the van broke down or something insane like last year and because he can also fix cars so it felt good having him along.

ANYWAY - still in shock, AM said the best thing he's ever told me. Simply put, 'Wow.. he blew it hon. You dodged a bullet with that one.' 'Right? I mean since when am I the one dating the crazy girl,' I asked incredulously. He didn't even have to say anything more because he knows.. that idea of me being the sane one in any given dating sitch is pretty fucking rare. At least I felt validated at that moment, if nothing else.

Later, in the dark and a few more hours closer to home, the feeling of this person being gone from my life really did hit me and I started to cry silently. AM reached over and grabbed my hand and just held it, which was nice. My friend Sasha came from the backseat and hugged me too. It hurt for sure. I wasn't sure about him when I left and certainly during the week for reasons I'll talk about in the next post, but I wasn't ready to give up on it without trying to talk it thru. And yet, he felt he could make the decision without me.. probably the moment I left.

He texted again that night and sounded like he finally realized what he'd done, not that he took it back but he'd certainly handled it the wrong way. I ignored him because.. duh.

Rehearsal the next evening was torture. I could feel the tension and had to pretend I was fine. And the talk afterwards? Well, in no minutes flat turned into a yelling match. YELLING. HE was MAD at ME! This may have been after I laid into him. I certainly haven't been that angry at anyone in a long time. Not someone I'd been involved with and I'm usually a lot more careful with a boyfriend type but I didn't hold back that night. Not one inch. I said every possible thing I felt about the situation and not once did I apologize. His anger came from trying to defend himself and basically having no leg to stand on - tho I cussed him out pretty directly and he just wasn't able to take it. But I GET to be mad about the break up, right? Yes. Yes I do. There's no statute of limitations for how shitty a break up over text is. No there is not. Yet he told me he was mad at me for things I apparently did or said during our time together, which he didn't have the balls to just say at the time. For example - I teased him about how he dressed one night, (teased was the operative word here), I didn't make him enough of a priority while I was prepping for the burn (which I explained ad nauseum and he still didn't get it.), I didn't return his emails once I was there (also explained.), and the best part - wait for it - was that I REMINDED HIM OF HIS MOTHER WHO'S TOO CONTROLLING. He. Actually. Said. That. And you didn't think he could do anything worse than texting the break up. Me either.

Don't laugh when I say he wasn't the guy I'd left a week before - kind, sweet, so loving and fun. But how much of a person can you really know in a month's time? I know this. It is laughable. At the same time, my mother met the love of her life in my stepfather and after only knowing each other for six weeks, they were engaged. Til he died three years later, I'd never ever seen her so happy. Never. So sue me. It can happen.

He was devoid of all care. I know that look in a guy. I've felt it myself. He felt absolutely nothing for me. He said as much. Angrily. And finally, we'd both had it and he left in a huff but before he could, I gave him back the cute little gifts he'd brought me back from his Eastern Washington trip when we first started dating. I certainly didn't want them after that. His reaction was to say, 'Fine. I'll throw them away.'

To compound issues, as a cast and crew, we were all committed to a camping trip that coming weekend, which I was already dragging my feet about going on, but surprisingly, overall, it was fine. We stayed to opposite sides of the campfire, we didn't talk at all, but the morning we left, I was watching him pack up his tent and felt a wash of disappointment over the fact we weren't even friends. We'd said we were falling for each other before I'd left. How did we end up in a complete 180 in 10 days apart?

That night I emailed him explaining myself more completely than the night we fought - my shock at his level of anger, his lack of any feeling at all, and I even apologized for anything I may have said or done that he'd not felt comfortable addressing with me. I signed off wishing him happiness. I was surprised he wrote back and with a full apology for everything. Everything. He'd put up walls, talked himself out of what he'd been feeling for me while I was gone, but truly felt we weren't right for each other, which had he said that to begin with and in a kind way, our break up would've been so much easier for both of us. At least I finally had that.

We opened the show and ran the hell out of it for five reeeaaallly long weeks to almost always sold-out houses even tho the cast felt it was only mediocre - as did a few of the critics. I made friends with the union board op guy who was my sole companion up in the booth for the duration of each show and we were incessantly tortured by Bernstein's constant habit of pausing for effect between words. I mocked him in my head, whether he deserved it or not. It was my outlet of bitterness until I was over it, which came with the closing of the show. I was so grateful when we hit the end of October and that thing was done. There was no love lost in our goodbye and tho I see him randomly at other theater events, I wouldn't consider us friends.

I spent the entirety of November regaining who I was, celebrating myself, and letting go. And reminding myself this was a good lesson learned - yet again - about being patient and getting to know someone in real time.

Oh yeah.. and lastly, if you learn nothing else from me, learn this: Never date an actor.

Nothing Is More Consistent Than Change

2012-01-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

Well, hello. It's been ages. Seriously. Like people who write this blog (and I may be using the term 'people' a bit loosely since you and I - WE as it were - know I'm the only one who writes this bit of nonsense) turned older (read: 40. Yes. For reals. I'll wait for your freak out to be over........ Um. Yes way. And thank you. I know I look 25 or whatever you just said, but it's true. I'm old. Yup - I look younger than you probably. Sorry for that. It's not intentional. Water. I drink lots of water and my bio mom is going to be 70 and looks about 55. It's a gene thing. You understand.). It's still hard to say.. Forty.. 4-0. Whispering doesn't make it any better. It's still roughly middle age. But you're right, I don't look it (for which I'm grateful now - (not back when I was trying to get into bars illegally)) and I'm more certain I don't act it either (you don't need to be so eager to agree.. geez). Can't blame a girl. When you're in theater, it's not how old you actually are, but the age range you can play. Given that, I'm somewhere between 10 and pushing it would be 26. Not bad for a girl who grew up watching black and white Popeye cartoons, Solid Gold, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island (Seriously - one of the shows I worked on this year a cast member was too young to know what Fantasy Island was.. Please. Mr. Rork? Tattoo? "De plane! De plane!" No? Nothing? Sigh..).

So there's much to tell you.. and if you couldn't tell, I've made some changes. Rebranded or renewed or just rejuvenated things for 2012 and I have a lot to catch you up on. Maybe I have to catch myself up too because just writing these little paragraphs feels good, feels like I should've been doing it this whole time - but Life gets in the way doesn't it? Things happen and get busy and messy and sometimes you just don't want to go into every little detail again and relive hurts and failures. Or you want to keep the wonderful big adventures to yourself just for a bit longer because there are no words to accurately describe it all. That's the best excuse I can give you - and tho not a good one, I'm forging on and will attempt to try this writing thing for a while longer. It's ok if I'm just talking to myself here or maybe a few new sets of eyes will find me and relate to the idea of transformation in the new year. I know it's not a new idea, but this blog has been roughly the same since I started - minus a few added bits of bling - and the bling was nice, but I needed the update - you know, in with the new/out with the old sort of thing - and ME - well, 40 is a big change. It shouldn't be - because you know it's all psychological and I'm still the same person, but it sets in. The reality. I really do feel a little different, a little pressure to grow the hell up (finally.. maybe), a little calmer and hopefully, a little wiser. I said hopefully.. ok?

Are we good now? Can you look past this little disappearance and let me make it up to you? 40 makes me a real grown up now so I think that means something - or means I'm trying to figure out what exactly that means. Either way, this adventure is starting..

Alrighty then.. Here's to a fantastic new year for us all and a new Miss Devylish 2.0 for 2012.

Hello Stranger Part 2

2011-08-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

"Goddammit! I skipped July?!"

This is what I just said to myself out loud after sitting down and finally making time to write stuff down. I want to. I really do. But July seriously got away from me. Slippery thing that month is. And it's not like it was filled with sunshine or anything because here in Seattle summer really didn't start until August for the first time in the 17 years I've lived here. The grumbling about the weather gets old but we just can't help ourselves. We're so light-deficient as it is we all take Vitamin D supplements. We are due, Mother Nature, so if you can hear us.. an Indian Summer wouldn't be out of place, if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do..

But despite the fact that March lasted for five months, I feel like my life finally turned a corner in July. There's a lot to explain so let's get started..

It began with a vacation to Arch Cape, Oregon to meet my mom and my extended family on my dad's side. My aunt and uncle in Portland, Or take the trip every year but my immediate family doesn't always go. My two other aunts and uncles who live in Tucson and Winnipeg respectively were also there and it's rare to see them even once a year so the time spent was really precious.

We played cribbage and Mexican Train - a fantastic domino game, read, ate really really well, listened to stories my uncles would tell about growing up and when they would all get in trouble like the time when Grandpa was so mad at my dad that Dad jumped out of the second-story window to get away from him. We took long walks along the beach, took as many naps as we wanted and just absorbed each other's company. I got some good time with my 9-year-old cousin, Maeve, who's brilliant and precocious and also with my cousin Jon and his wife and their new little boy I'd never met. I really try not to take family for granted like I did when I was growing up, but these moments make me realize I wish I had more time with all of them. They're fun and wonderful from this adult perspective.

I stopped to visit my gram in Vancouver, WA on the way to the beach and took a run at the park near her house.. so gorgeous that day.

My cousin, Maeve, in her little beach hideaway she 'renovated'. Her word.

I went for a run on the beach, which sucked (because I couldn't pace myself at all), but this picture did not.

We went on a five mile walk to Cannon Beach on our last morning and finally the tide was out far enough to see some starfish!

One of my favorite pictures with the Hipstamatic app on my iPhone with a filtered lens from the movie Cowboys & Aliens. Yes really.

My aunt and uncle who live in Portland are the couple in the foreground. I love this shot. Haystack Rock, in Cannon Beach, is in front of them.

A different shot of Haystack Rock..

My mom and I are another story. We bickered most of the time we spent together that week, which really disappointed me. Finally something broke near the end and the next morning, we saw eye to eye but it was a hard road to get there. Honestly, I think she just started making an effort. She's a wonderfully generous person overall - but I feel like a little kid around her when we see each other because I don't get that she values our time when I'm right in front of her. And I behave like a brat trying to vie for her attention. I get guilt trips over the phone, but when I make the time to visit, I feel like I might as well be invisible. I'm not sure what that's all about even thinking about it now, but at some point, I gave up trying to understand and she tried a bit harder and it ended up somewhere in the middle of tolerable. I miss the friendship we created when my step-dad was alive. He had this influence on her and she was so happy it was suddenly so easy to be around her for almost three years. I love that she's happy with the boyfriend she has now, but she's changed and I'm not sure how to get the friend back I had in her.

When I headed for my road trip to the beach, I felt like the weight of the world had finally lifted. I made what felt like a big decision to leave Open Circle Theater, the company I'd been with for a year and a half. We'd moved out of our space due to financial reasons and since the spring, when we'd begun our production of Rocky Horror, I hadn't felt intrinsically involved anyway. I tried really hard to insert myself during that time, but for whatever reason, I couldn't get in and couldn't get anyone to talk to me about what I could do to help. So I offered my assistance to Theater Schmeater, another company that had reached out to me last fall. They were glad to have me, I took on the asst stage manager position for the upcoming Twilight Zones show and my theater world suddenly started to bloom. I met a really lovely and cohesive group of people, learned what I'd been doing wrong in the past from my new friend Peggotty (a nickname she helped me pick from one of the Zones episodes) who is a phenomenal stage manager, and realized something was missing in my life that thus had to change.

When we started our next show, Ajax, a Greek tragedy that was to end our season, I'd cleared up some misunderstandings with OCT and felt a bit like I was back where I could help. But the people involved in Rocky felt overextended and therefore weren't around much to help with Ajax. I felt a bit abandoned at times, like a scapegoat at others and I was simply treading water just to get the damn thing opened. It was far from an enjoyable experience and a few of my company relationships unfortunately suffered irreparable damage because of it.

The cast, however, was pretty amazing and a great help. Many of them came from my ex's company, Balagan, and tho I had a lot of anxiety about working with them, it was like old times and they put any fears I had to rest. Getting reacquainted with them was great but until opening night, when The Boy appeared at the ticket booth I was manning, I didn't think much of it.

But there he was.. right in front of me. After TWO YEARS of virtual silence and finding out over Facebook the day I returned from Burning Man last year that he was engaged, we were face to face and smiling at each other. I knew he was coming, but it didn't help my nerves. Yet somehow I forced myself to see the positive in the situation because I was so over feeling crappy about it. We hugged, made a point to sit down during the opening night party and had a long, overdue talk that completely cleared the air of all the pain and sadness caused from not being friends. All at once, it was just gone and it was all so easy. We found humor in our messed up communication and we finally and completely buried our past. It was an enormous relief and I couldn't have been happier about it.

A few weeks later, it was time to make that change and I knew what I had to do. I emailed him and asked if he could see me back in his company again and that's where we are now. I'm stage managing their upcoming show in the fall, Dog Sees God - about the Peanuts characters almost all grown up and in high school but undeniably more twisted and fucked up than the cartoon strip - and then they'll vote on me being their company Production Manager around the time that show opens in October.

In the meantime, I took on working both weekends of 14/48 - the short (and insane but amazing) theater festival that happens twice a year. Seven 10-minute plays are created by as many playwrights the night before and the following day they're staged, designed and tech'd to be performed that night based on a theme drawn from The Cone of Destiny. That night, after the first performance, a new theme is drawn and the process starts all over again the next day. The next weekend, a new group does it all again. This year, they had the women do the first weekend and the men do the second. I ran the lights the first and assistant stage managed the second - which was A LOT more work and A LOT more exhausting - but so rewarding. My theater world actually exploded exponentially during this time, the talent pool was simply stunning to watch, and shockingly, I think I did a good job, which made me feel incredibly proud of myself.

Last but not least, July brought forth a spark that has me smiling so much these days my face actually hurts. I'll call him Bernstein, from an inside joke we have. He's 34 - yay! - fairly grounded and has some pretty kind eyes, which Shine has ingrained in me unintentionally is something important to have and I couldn't agree more. He's in my next cast and I met him at our photo shoot for press. That could complicate things, but we don't think it will. I noticed him immediately, but wasn't sure I should pay that thought any real attention and then he came to one of the 14/48 performances and we chatted a lot. When I went backstage after that, I noticed I had butterflies. I can't remember the last time since The Boy I had those.

I saw him in his show the following Sunday and he was fantastic. I met him and the cast for drinks afterwards and we just stuck together most of the night. The butterflies multiplied. Tho I was too nervous to say anything when he walked me to my car, we did come clean over texts like 16-year-olds once we got home.

Surprisingly, a date still has yet to happen because he went to Eastern Washington with his current show right after and will be back Monday night but there's a palpable excitement to see each other pretty close to immediately once he returns. Until then, we've had a couple of phone calls that lasted well into the wee hours and the stupid giggling on both sides no one else would understand but it's all kinds of awesome.

Next on the calendar is Burning Man. My virgin sponsee and friend of 16 years, Anthony, and I leave in three weeks exactly! My girlfriends who aren't camping with us, Sasha and Sophia, are riding down with us. It certainly won't be boring, but there's still lots of planning and preparing to do. My butterflies are working overtime, I tell you..

This year's theme is Rites of Passage. I can't explain how appropriate this feels for me. I didn't recognize how transitional this year would be until I had some time to see it in retrospect and finally, I can see it as it's happening.. like I've caught up to the realizations because they're wrapping me up in this warm blanket of energizing love. I don't know if I should call it luck or karma or what.. but whatever it is, it's about time and it's fucking fantastic.

If It's Too Good To Be True..

2011-06-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in lying. Not saying I haven't done it for whatever reason, but I don't believe in doing it within the relationships I choose to cultivate among friends and lovers (I can't say I've never lied to family.. I mean, there are just some things you don't tell your mother.). But I've known my share of charming liars and each time I'm still surprised by how blindsided I feel when the truth is exposed.

So you know it had to happen.. but falling under the spell of chemistry, similar tastes, and easy conversation is still pretty cliché. I'm old enough to know better and I really am able to see a smooth talker for who he is right away, but sometimes, I'll admit, they get me. When all their attention is focused on me, when the right words fall out of their mouths so easily it seems genuine - all those particular things I want to hear - I give them the benefit of the doubt [read: even I'm a sucker once in a while.].

When you begin dating someone new, it's not required to provide your entire life past and present or any skeletons for that matter, but after the unusual first non-date date with 007 a few weeks ago, I'd found out we weren't exactly strangers anyway. The conversation we had that night laid out clearly, by accident, what I wanted from a relationship - nothing casual (meaning once you realize the person is solid and you're sure you want to see more of them), no bullshit, and they should have a good idea of what they want as well so the wishy-washy 'fish or cut bait' point I keep experiencing about three weeks in is prevented. I deserve to be treated as a priority if I make someone one of mine. He asked questions why I was still single and if I wanted kids tho he was a bit tight-lipped about his own background and his dating life, but he did say he was seeing someone in New York. It just seemed like she was more an east coast distraction when he traveled that direction tho the fact it'd been going on for the last three years did catch me off guard. Still, I didn't think much of it.

After he returned from his latest trip, we met up at a wine bar on the hill, lingered over a couple of glasses of wine a piece for an easy couple of hours and it felt like the night was just beginning. I knew he'd suggest we head somewhere else and I wasn't wrong. A couple more drinks in, we're a bit cozier in the upstairs of another bar. Keep in mind, this town is surprisingly small and I recognized one of the new bartenders the last time I was there as someone I dated briefly last year (We've already discussed how I've dated half this city, right? And if not, well.. I have.). I mentioned to 007 about how awkward it's been when I've frequented the bar because this particular guy pretends I'm a stranger and I like that bar so I'm not going to avoid it. That's stupid. But, suddenly, on that note, 007 starts talking about how I deserve to get what I want, he knows I want something longterm and it's so not a clear tangent that I know he's trying to say something, but isn't getting to the point. We talk about expectations, I said I didn't have any at this time, I knew about the other person in New York and for the time being, that was fine. But he paused noticeably and then as if knowing this is where he needed to rip off the bandaid, we have the following conversation:

007: Well, she was in New York at the time. I mean she's here and there..

Me: Ears perk. Here? What do you mean here?

007: Basically.. she lives with me..

Me: Wait, we aren't seeing each other..?

007: Very quickly and completely matter-of-fact. No. We aren't.

Me: Stunned. Uh.. what?

007: Trying to find the right words to downplay his now apparent douchebaggery and my more obvious shock. I realize I may have misled you, but I wasn't sure what to say.

Me: Misled?

007: Yes and given you the wrong impression.

Me: Wrong impression? You told me it was a date when I asked what that whole first evening had been.

007: Well, I don't think I said that exactly.

Me: Feeling my face getting warm now. Yes, it was. Exactly. I can tell you what you said because I remember asking you, 'Is this a date?' And YOU said, 'Yes, well, it can be, or be whatever we want it to be,' which told me, yes it was. And then you kissed me. A lot. Confirming that exact thing.

007: Ok.. yeah.. well, I was pretty drunk actually.

Me: Still stunned, but firm. No no. Uh-uh. You don't get to say that..

Pausing to really do the math here. Wait so.. this person.. is not someone casual. This person is essentially your girlfriend? Ding ding ding!

007: .. Uh.. yes..

Me: And this person thinks you are where exactly and with whom?

007: Out. With a friend.

Me: You are fucking kidding me right now. Mostly said to myself..

007: It's no big deal...

Me: Um yeah. It is. Don't kid yourself. I'm a bit in shock so my face may not show it, but I'm really upset with you right now and debating whether or not to throw my drink in your face.

007: Believes me. (Not that I was bluffing. This close - I swear to God, but instant scene had I done it. Would've been so worth it, but I opted not to. I'm a classy chic.) Oh dear God don't do that! Moves my drink well out of my reach. I'm really very sorry.

Me: Just shaking my head now and not looking at him. Yeah. You should be.

007: I really respect you so much.

Me: ?? You should really stop talking. You don't or you would've told me this BEFORE tonight. Not in a public place making me want to kick you in the knee AND throw my drink in your face.

007: Ok let's not get dramatic.. Grasping at straws to make this better and clearly failing. How well would that have gone had I done that?

Me: Uh.. better than now.

007: Really?

Me: Are you kidding? I thought you were gay anyway! And then you kissed me and you PURSUED me. Did you not?

007: Right. I did. Yes..

Me: You asked to see me two other times this week before tonight. You knew where I was coming from.. YOU SAID WE SHOULD HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. Christ!

007: Looking ashamed. Ok - well.. I was kidding about the babies -

Me: I stare him down. Duh - but you don't fucking mention that to someone you aren't interested in. And you certainly first mention your GIRLFRIEND - who you've pretended is invisible. Not only did you lead me on, but you didn't even acknowledge the relationship you have exists. That's just shitty.

007: You're right. I completely understand. I'm so so sorry.

Me: Yeah. I heard you. I don't care. I'm not letting you off the hook. You knew exactly what you were doing.

007: You're right. I did. I made a mistake. You have to understand.. I just enjoy you so much. We're practically the same person..

Me: Yeah. I know, but this relationship you're in - it's monogamous, correct?

007: Sheepishly. Yes..

Me: Then that's it. I'm done. I get up and walk out.

007: Then I'm coming with you.

Me: Seething now. I don't give a fuck.

I've never walked out on someone or talked like that to anyone other than those conversations when you wished you told someone off when you didn't. I've never had the opportunity to tell a cheating liar this is in fact what he is and that everything that comes out of his mouth only emphasizes this point. I'm actually really proud of how I handled myself and that I said absolutely everything I wanted to in the way I wanted to and with as much angry force as I was feeling.

Just before the whole confession, he'd brought up that he hadn't even dated much in the last three years. When I asked him why he said his attention was focused on his house, career and traveling - neglecting the fact that he hadn't dated BECAUSE HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND! THE WHOLE TIME!

To say I was pissed was an understatement. I was hurt over being fooled so easily and letting someone from my past carry more weight than a new person when essentially, after 8+ years, he was a new person. He hadn't earned anything anymore than anyone else I'd gone out with twice before. But he fucked up and despite his hope it might blow over right there and we'd have a good laugh, like - are you fucking crazy to have that kind of audacity (The answer there is yes. Yes he is.)?! - there was no going back to any possibility of being friends or acting cool about the situation. Classic case of a man wanting his cake.. etc. Transparent as all get out. Well, now anyway.

It was a warm Thursday night about 10:30pm and lots of people were out. He followed me to the corner of a busy intersection where we had a few more words (Nope - not embarrassing AT ALL.). He apologized more and asked if he could drive me home. I laughed and gave him a quick 'fuck no' and a look that said he had to be kidding. I called him a liar. He looked like I slapped him, but it was the truth and I'm assuming he'd either never been caught before or had smoothed it over the times he had. I started to get emotional and said a few more things that really didn't amount to the proper 'fuck you' ending I would've liked.. but I walked away leaving him just standing there and that felt pretty good even tho I still felt played.

A week later, he called. Yeah, I know. Color me as shocked as you. I'd already deleted his number but made a point to recognize it because I just had a feeling. He left a really breezy message:

007: Hey - just checking in and seeing if you're still pissed at me. Was just driving home and thinking about you. Really looking forward to catching up and talking with you soon.. k? Hope you're having a good week! Bye!

You have to hand it to him. The man clearly found the Get Your Audacity Here store and stocked up in bulk. I started to text him something to that effect and then decided, you know what? He wants to talk.. let's fucking talk and see what he has to say for himself. So we talked.. for about an hour. He was relieved I called him back until I pushed for answers - but I'll give him a few props that he gave me some.

It wasn't a shocker - again, it was pretty transparent to me what was going on and he copped to it, or rather, I laid out the situation I thought was going on and he said I was right. He's not happy in his current relationship, but it's complicated - whatever that means - so he hasn't had the balls to make changes with that. I came into the picture, sparked an attraction, a happy memory and he wanted to see what happened with that - not planning on deceiving anyone, but letting it happen regardless and digging a big hole for himself. And in all the talk of wanting me around, he never once mentioned wanting to be friends, which I also brought up. So he tried to say that's what he wanted but when he literally couldn't say it - could not get out the word 'friends' after saying, 'Well, of course.. I'd like us to be.. um,' it was simply laughable because I had to say it. 'Friends. It's a simple word. Just say it.' And he did.. finally, but I called him out telling him it was difficult for him to say because that's not what he wanted - and when he let that absorb, he admitted I was right.

I asked him if the situation were reversed.. or if he were me.. if he would be friends with him. He paused.. stammered.. and then said, 'No.. you're right. I wouldn't. That's not behavior in someone I could trust.' Good boy. Here's a biscuit.

It was interesting suddenly having all the power. He didn't really know what he wanted from me had I answered to begin with. He didn't know much of anything. I told him I wasn't mad anymore. I was over it, but if my friends knew I let him back in my life, they'd all think I was stupid. And because I'd been drawn to him, letting him in would mean taking a risk that at some point, hanging out, probably over drinks would weaken my resolve and I'd find myself in a moment with him where knowingly, I'd be part of the deceiving - and I won't do that to myself or the girlfriend I now know about.

I have to admit, I'm not sure what I'd do with him either. I didn't want to be friends. I would've taken it had it started out that way to begin with, but it didn't and I'm not able to transition back to that really. Not when the whole thing began with lies right out of the gate. So I said I wouldn't put his number back in my phone at this time. But if he figures out his situation in the future, he was welcome to call.. when he had something to say. He agreed that was a good idea. He thanked me for my time and for listening to him.. and that was finally that.

So one of my dark horses turned out to be a jackass - not surprising knowing my luck with waging a bet - and the other withdrew from the race altogether because he could tell I was distracted. He's probably right and we may just be better at being friends. But this race for my affections is kind of stupid and I never meant for it to be any sort of competition or to look like I was leaving my options open even if one of my options was certainly a frog. The other may be a perfect prince, but it's not that easy to figure out and some princes are meant for other girls in other stories. Right now, I should stop with the poor analogies.

Don't cry for me Argentina. There are changes coming and they're not all bumpy. I didn't get the 'real' job I was hoping for so back to the grinding board with that, but there are big transitions I'm making in my theater world and I'm finally excited again. I'm going to be the Asst. Stage Manager and board op for the upcoming 14/48, which is a super fun and super short theater festival over the course of 48 hours for two weekends (See the link above). It's a great opportunity to be involved in this tiny but massive show they do a few times a year and everyone who is anyone in our fringe community plays a part.

There's one more major shift I'll be making this week - but you need some backstory on that before I can talk about it. Just know it's all positive, even if I have a bit of anxiety about initiating it, but once I do, some huge negatives will be released and there's only happiness in moving forward.

I can see a light that's getting closer. I haven't reached it yet because I think the Universe is trying to remind me nothing is more consistent than change and I shouldn't get too comfortable.

#1 Dad

2011-06-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

I try not to dread this time of year, but rather, just ignore it, because tho I'm hardly an orphan, when Father's Day comes around, I feel the heartstrings pull when I hear the ads or have to sit thru those sappy commercials. And honestly, I get a little jealous.

I have friends who are dads and my own brother and his wife should have some baby news this year, but when I'm stuck on which form to file for my taxes, when I go to a baseball game, when the latest guy I'm dating turns out to be a real piece of work, I really wish my dad was still around.

He named me. I was his 'little angel'. I used to sit on the top of his cowboy boots, wrap my arms and legs around his burly calf and he'd go about his business in the house or pretend to look for me. He played Santa Claus for the local kids when he was a member of the Elks Club. He's the reason, even tho I'm right-handed, I throw a softball with my left hand and catch with my right - because he let me make that decision with my fifth grade logic (Why Dad? WHY?!) and it's why I still can't throw for shit. But he hung up a five-gallon bucket horizontally on one of our fences so I could practice throwing consistently and, at the time, I improved. I had braces for years and many times after some major teeth pulling or a surgery, Dad would drive home with me just curled up on the seat, my head on his lap, my face tear-stained and my mouth numb and stuffed with gauze. He taught me how to ride a bike and drive a stick. Mom said he cried when he read the part in one of my letters from Norway about finally finding a store where they sold peanut butter. He worked hard. He laughed loudly. I like to think, despite the fact I was adopted, that I get my big laugh from him.

As a nanny, there are lots of parental moments I suddenly remember from the past. I have great memories of my grandfathers who were both characters. My Grandpa Frank, my dad's dad, made a great, big sound when he sneezed. A-POOYA! It scared the bejesus out of my brother and I every time and I think he knew that. We always got the feeling he'd been a hardass with my dad and his brothers, but he was always a teddy bear to his grandchildren.

My Grandpa Gordon, my mom's step-dad, used to tell us after any little incident found us in tears over a scrape or fall that we'd be ok by the time we were married. Suddenly, I find myself saying this to Jack and Liam when they give that stunned look after a knock on the head into a wall or something of that nature.. when there's that moment of 'am I ok or not' they're trying to figure out. If they nod when I say that, then I know they're ok and drama has luckily been avoided.

And my step-dad used to call me 'girl', as in 'Hey girl!' when he'd see me, which made me feel like a dog being called, but I never said anything because I knew he was really trying to find his own way to connect with me and taking my dad's place was a challenge.

But Dad was the biggest man in my life, literally. He was Hercules to me. A giant of 6' 3" - taller when he wore his favorite cowboy hat - who could make the meanest shredded zucchini scramble with bacon bits when he'd make us breakfast for dinner or homemade pizza, for which he'd use a can of cheap beer in the crust. When my prom date's car ran out of gas a half a mile or so from our house, which was out in the boondocks and wasn't a well-lit road, he's the one who got the gas can and went back to the car with my date at 1am to make sure he got back home safely. When I drove my car into a ditch late one night, way on the other side of town in the middle of winter, headed to a party after work I shouldn't have been going to, he was the one who kept Mom from scolding me while I was in shock and the one who told me over and over that it was going to be ok.

He was a son of a bitch when he was angry, which was often and usually not over anything important, but I don't think anyone, not even he, understood the deep-rooted anger that plagued him. As the years pass without him, I remember less of his temper, even tho I think I inherited that too, and more of the love I know he had for us. I hold onto the good memories because I know that's how he'd rather I remember him.

So here's to your dad, to my dad, and the other dads - those with us and those who aren't - may they all know how much they're loved.

I miss you Pops.. love Susie-Q.

Hello Stranger Part 1

2011-06-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

At last! It's late here but I've been trying to find time to write for a while and have clearly failed. Two months have obviously gone by and a zillion things have happened which may have garnered their own post had I been more diligent with this outlet.. but sometimes you just have to live life and stop writing everything down. Maybe in retrospect it then isn't as memorable, but it's still energy well-spent. Let's hope anyway..

So the easy stuff first. Men. Am I right? Kidding. Geez.. tough audience.

Yes, they've come and gone quickly lately - only a few weeks here and there to the point one girlfriend said she wasn't even going to try to remember their names anymore til one stuck around for a while. I told her I was doing the same thing. Single girl in the city. I'm not apologizing. And tho I let a couple linger for a bit while trying to figure out what their intentions were, I made mine known. No more of the bullshit. No more of maybe he'll figure out what he wants eventually and maybe it'll be me. No more of a week goes by with no communication because they're trying to play the game or not give away too much. Once you're clearly spending the majority of your free time with someone and they're the only one you're seeing, to me you either have to spend the effort to be in it or you don't because it's not working and you're out. Doesn't mean it has to be labeled, but it does have to be exclusive and I do have to be a priority. I make room in my life for the person I'm spending time with. Not 100% - that's just being co-dependent and there's individuality still and people have passions and other directions to pursue, but I expect the same courtesy. In or out man.. fish or cut bait. And if they can't figure it out, I do it for them. I did it twice in as many months (I did mention I had a reason for not writing, right?). And no I wasn't as badass as I'm sounding here.. obviously. I'm still a sweet girl my dear four readers.. I'm just saying I'm not taking anything less than what I deserve anymore. Fun is great, don't get me wrong. But fun doesn't get me someone to brush my teeth with at night or take to company parties or cry my eyes out over stupid story lines on Grey's Anatomy or meet my bio family.. you know? It might work out that way for others, but it ain't working for me to give away the milk anymore.. if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do.

There are a couple of dark horses in the current race (Race for.. what? Yeah, I don't know either.. just humor me.) at the moment. One I've known for some years now and there's a bit at stake because we've recently established a decent friendship while working together in shows so if something negative happens, we'll still run in the same fringe theater circles and that's never not awkward. But he's a great actor, a good friend, a good guy overall who everyone I know in the industry likes. He smokes, which I can't stand, but he also knows that so he doesn't do it around me unless we're in a show and he's outside with the other smokers. And, being from the south, he definitely has the qualities of a gentleman - as in manners - and is awfully sweet. So we'll call him Rhett - as in Butler - tho I could use his real name because it sounds just as movie-like, but I do what I can to ~~barely~~ protect the innocent.

I think he's just as nervous as I am about the situation, which is us dating, because it's new just in the last couple of weeks. We both know the moment we show any small public display of affection towards the other in a fringe theater type place, all our friends and associates will be tittering. Tittering quietly, but tittering nonetheless. And this could happen as soon as oh.. tonight at a mutual friend's birthday after a big theater cabaret type thing and since we barely know what this is yet AND it's not exclusive because no, we haven't had THE talk yet because we aren't there, yeah.. it's just a matter of trying to keep the pressure off both of us. I mean, I like him and I certainly don't want to hurt him or get hurt, so it's good, but we're being cautious.

The story behind the other guy is just bizarre. You'll agree with me in a minute. We'll call this one 007 because he's very private, but is certainly a charmer without being sleazy and he travels, likes to live well, and jet-sets from coast to coast often. Yeah.. I was jealous too.

I was at one of my favorite speakeasies on the hill and when you sit at the bar, you tend to talk to the other customers. He was one of them, we were both with other people but I kept thinking he looked familiar and didn't know why. We traded names across the bar over jokes, but that was that and they left. A month or so later, I ran into him at another bar in another neighborhood while out with my friend, Tallulah. I thought he was oddly attentive. She thought he was gay. And as she was dead set on it, I was inclined to believe her. When he said we should meet for drinks after hanging out with us for a bit, I was super casual about it because in my mind he didn't play for my team so it was: Of course! Yes! Let's hang out! Awesome! And we traded contact info.

Some time passed and we'd hit each other up here and there to hang but it wasn't working out. Finally he asked me to set aside time two weeks in advance and something told me to say sure, why not and just add him to my calendar. Two more weeks go by and we're finally in the same place on purpose together, have a great time, and he starts asking semi-datey questions which I thought odd for a gay man. Do I want kids, why am I single, I seem to have a lot going for me, etc.. and I was honest about the men in this city being non-commital, unsure of their own direction let alone what they want, and how they're really good at wasting someone's time. I'm over letting my time be wasted.. I want to feel valued. I asked him the same question this time poking if he'd give a tell-tale sign of his sexuality away because damn I was confused. And he finally gave up he'd been seeing 'someone' in New York for the last three years. Ouch. Clearly it wasn't serious, but it was something to continue this long for that kind of distance. And finally he said SHE was great, but.. blahblahblah (I didn't really pay attention to be honest - I was just relieved to finally get my answer from that cryptic conversation.). And then he said he was having a great time (another clear sign UH.. THIS IS A REAL DATE, CRAP I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!) and we should continue on somewhere else. So we did.

He drove, more drinks, easy conversation even tho now I realize this is a real date FOR REALZ and I'm wishing I could take a few things I said back and we get to my car and we have this conversation:

Me: Slightly coy, So this was a date, right?

007: Well sure, I mean, I thought it was, but it can be whatever..

Me: Right, but my friend Tallulah was certain you were gay and up til about an hour ago, I was inclined to believe her. Waiting for reaction..

007: Pause, smiles, nods. Well, I'm not gay nor am I bi. I do get that a lot but I'm straight. And actually.. I have a confession to make.

Me: Perplexed curiosity wondering all variables of possibilities of what he might tell me next.

007: We've already met.. before that first bar some months ago. Paused for effect. We've actually already dated. (Wait for it..) And we've already slept together. (Are you pausing?!! Because let me tell you.. I was..)

Me: Speechless - which, as we all know, is hard to accomplish. Hats off to the man. Uh.. um.. smatter of other non-words here.. Wow. I'm a jackass. Seriously.. still isn't ringing any bells.

He goes on to tell me other details of our last date: where he lived, what he did for a living, how we met, which finally brought it back to me but I'm telling you as he was saying it, I couldn't believe this person in front of me was the same person. In my memory they look slightly different, the person in my past was taller, much more intense (Shut up. That's part of someone's look, right? Pfft. You don't know.). This guy was calm, grounded, not trying so hard. But honestly it was really only maybe three or four dates (Yes, I know.. we already talked about the milk and how I'm a tart for giving it away for free.. thanks Mom..) and when we worked out the timeframe, it was at least eight or nine years ago. I'm sorry but I'm going to forget someone's name by then if I'm no longer seeing them. I'll give you that I'm still a complete asshat for forgetting him ENTIRELY - even seeing him again recently THREE TIMES. Hello gingko biloba deficiency! Christ.. I'm awesome.

ANYWAY.. he kissed me, it was nice, I'll take more please. Yeah, he's uber metro, but there's something about him and he talked about HAVING BABIES WITH ME. Not that we would, he said.. but they'd be fucking adorable. HIS WORDS. People! WTF?! I mean, haven't you ever wanted your gay boyfriend to sometimes BE your boyfriend because they were that awesome? I dunno.. I know I sound all kinds of wrong right now.. but please, YOU be single here and see where it gets you (Probably married to a Google/Amazon/Microsoft exec or a hot Mariner/Sounder (Mmm.. soccer players..)). You can't make this shit up. No no, you can not.

So don't be jealous of the madcappery that is my dating life.. I wish I was kidding when I say I've dated probably half this city. I run into them at inopportune moments when they happen to be the new bartender making the drink I just ordered (awkward) or the guy on the street who caught my eye and we both invisibly nodded and didn't acknowledge each other verbally. I don't go from boyfriend to boyfriend so more often than not, I'm single. As it stands now, it's kind of enjoyable when there are options but annoying and lonely when there aren't. And the cat has no opinion either way as long as I don't bring someone home upon whose lap, back or stomach she isn't allowed to lounge. She loves love.. just like her mama..

So lovelies, as this is just part one of catching up, I promise not to be such a stranger anymore. The sun is out, the gym calls and I wish you all a sexy and love-filled weekend.. mwah!

Quarterly Check In

2011-03-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know if there's ever been a time since I started this blog where I missed writing during any given month. And there was even a major, albeit annoying, holiday in February too that I completely ignored and didn't get to mock. Wasted opportunity there. But I did get to notice myself actually trying to meet the objectives I set for this year and so far I've seen some progress. Like.. yay! Let's share the progress, shall we?

Being on time: Ok.. so um.. I said I noticed improvement. Never promised perfection. So yeah, I'm late less of the time now. And there have been ENTIRE PLANS where I WAS EARLY! Er.. maybe right on time. I dunno. Either way I arrived FIRST! And that's all that mattered in order to make it count. I'm doing my best to be more consistent and can safely say.. uh.. yes.. ok.. I'm still working on this one. So uh.. moving on..

Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative: As part of improving my own communication, I'm better about not interrupting and that was already something I was addressing. But now I have a better understanding of the roles I was taking on and the efforts I'm putting into relationships - both personal and professional. When you know you need to collaborate where you previously had maybe no idea - then yeah, that's a big part of changing your perspective. But I discussed where I was needed at the theater where I'd been a company member for the last year, but by the time that finally happened, I'd volunteered for another where I knew I'd be immediately necessary. It's not a competition, but you can't collaborate better if you have nothing to collaborate on. Communication from others up the chain wasn't happening, which was disappointing among other things, and I was actually really proud of how I handled that. Every time I started to take it personally I found many reasons it wasn't and finally just found another opportunity for myself, which refocused direction so I couldn't beat myself up anymore. And then, right at the moment I accepted the space the company had left between them and me (read: I left town for just four days), I was ~~suddenly Obi Wan and the only freakin hope~~ flooded with requests to help, meet, provide contacts, etc. AND, even while frustrated by that, I found constructive and positive words to air said frustrations and then voilà! I actually managed to let them go and moved forward. Yay me!

Choose better words: In conjunction with the idea of cooperation and collaboration, it's heightened my awareness of how I come across when conveying oh.. ALL my thoughts at any given time. More than just something you do for tact or kindness, it's a skill to hone. It's seems elementary, but just keeping things factual helps, taking the me out of it, the emotion - and it doesn't prevent me being me so I can still be honest and direct, but just in a better way.

Speak less: This did not seem possible and yet there are WHOLE MOMENTS it DOES HAPPEN! I know, right? Crazy! It's amazing when I stop trying to put myself in a place of authority - where I feel the pressure to make things happen and be the one who does everything and therefore controls it as well - that I listen a lot more, let others drive whatever force is working in the room, and I learn a lot more that way. Observing is fun! Of course I pipe up where I think I should and thus I'm listened to more because I'm choosing those moments better. Interesting how that works, eh? No, the irony is not lost on me, Alannis.. thank you.

Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister: I think Mom and I have finally moved past some of the most recent tension we felt during the holidays. She knew I was down and feeling all loser-like and tho it was tough for her to really understand exactly what I was going thru, she's come thru for me every time I needed her. And in return, I think I realized she simply wants me to make the effort to reach out to her once in a while. A call once a week basically to check in - to know I'm alive - even if nothing is going on. She's asking that her presence, even a state away, matters enough to me that I think of her on a Sunday afternoon and pick up my phone to find out how she is.. I don't know why that was so hard to see. It's hardly unreasonable that you call your own mother especially when it takes so little time and makes all the difference to her. I still have to get more consistent with my own brother and grandmother, but in my defense, my brother never calls me either and usually my mom and grandmother are together.. so two birds there.

Find my bliss: Sigh - this is still undetermined. I'm trying harder to see where I was forcing the square peg into the round hole tho. The theater was not making me happy and I simply found elsewhere to focus, a short trip to take, and my air became clearer because I let go. I care too fucking much sometimes - to my own detriment. It doesn't have to be as hard as I continue to make it.

I visited two college girlfriends in LA and was reminded how much they shaped who I was back then and fondly remembered good times over lots of wine, good food, and even a comedy show at Largo on Valentine's Day that was probably one of the best Valentine's ever. Good friends, laughter so hard you aren't making any sound, and just being myself and not trying too hard to please anyone. It certainly didn't feel like 16 + years has passed (Christ I'm old!) - other than one has a 5-year-old daughter and 10-year marriage, but they both looked exactly the same and were the lovely people I remembered adoring in school. It took no time at all to catch up to where life was taking us now and I didn't want to leave.

LA is a lot different than Seattle tho.. and obviously, overwhelmingly bigger. Seattle is the largest city I've ever lived in and calling it large or even a city sometimes when you've been here 16 years is almost a laugh. After about two or three years you start running into people you know from Trader Joe's or work or the gym at the markets, plays, or karaoke. I've definitely run into people from here at Burning Man in Nevada (tho Seattle is the second largest contingent next to San Francisco there) and I half expected to run into someone I knew in Barcelona when I went two years ago (I didn't). Seattle is that small. But I have to say - I kind of loved Hollywood. I can't afford it.. yet.. but I liked it. Not sure if said bliss is there, but honestly - the weather is. I like the rain as much as anyone.. but goddamn, we get way more than our fair share here and I'm from Oregon where we say we don't tan, we rust. And when it rains in LA? It really rains - but it's close to 60 degrees. In February. Yeah. I can deal with that.

I'm going to skip the part where the earth moves a lot more down there especially since we all felt the biggest one from Portland, OR to Vancouver, BC 10 years ago that any of us have felt in our lifetime in the Northwest. Yeah, that part is scary - doubly so in light of the tragedy in Japan - but it's just an idea right now. Who knows..

I'm enjoying this year so far - tho I have been sicker than I ever have been in years - currently already on my second uber-awful cold in three months (seriously why does it have to be sleeping without breathing thru my nose OR the magic of pseudoephedrine and clear sinuses but no sleep?!), but hanging out with children will do that to you. Otherwise, I see how I've created my own drama in the past and I'm distancing myself from that behavior. I smile more. I'm more accountable - but have less to be accountable for when I'm aware of my own involvement and choice of words and how both affect others. I don't worry about my solitude so much - and tho at the end of January I stopped seeing the person I met at New Year's, someone new appeared recently without fanfare or any desperation on my part and so far, it's just nice and slow.

I've found I really enjoy my alone time - and I have a lot of it - but I've done my share of trying not to care if the men stick around or not and I'm bored with that non-committal shit. I'm not asking for rings or picket fences. Simply if I'm going to make room in the spare time I have for them (and when I'm doing theater, it's not much), they need to see the value in that by being a good person and showing they're interested in me and making an effort. I'm done with anything less (famous last words.. right?).

So ok - this is lengthy, but it has been a while. In summary: We've learned some things. Hug your mother. Hug your friends and neighbors while you're at it. Donate to the aid for Japan already because - Jesus - there are no words for what's happened and is still happening to them. Breaks. My. Heart. I send my love to them. To you. Sweet dreams kittens..

2011 - You Are My Bitch

2011-01-05T01:10:00.001-08:00

One of my friends said in December that she was going to take 2010 out back and shoot it. Well, she said, she was going to light it on fire, laugh at it, point, and then shoot it.

I told her to get in line.

I make the same resolutions every year. Silently - as if to say outloud I'm not really making any because I don't want anyone to know there's anything to fix because I think I'm pretty awesome actually.. but while 2009 was a difficult year on my heart and I hoped it would simply get better, 2010 went for the glottal artery and took blatant potshots at my ego. The heart will always recover once you realize people aren't who you thought they were or where exactly they were in their lives when you met and it can all make sense. The ego.. well.. it's fragile like the soft spot on a baby's head. You have to keep it warm and wrapped up in cute little hats so it's nurtured and you become a well-balanced and nice person. But if you say.. kick it over and over because you just want to see what happens.. well, that's going to be one messed up baby.

Maybe it's the mood I'm in tonight - I turned on something mellow to finish up some cleaning around the apartment before I went to bed and The Weepies came on. Let me just give you some advice, my four dear readers: Do not, NO, I say, DO NOT listen to The Weepies if you are, in fact, anywhere near something resembling emotions where your face may leak from your eyes. They have the Power to Evoke. Yes, they do! And DEAR GOD DO NOT make one of their songs one of your cute little lovey dovey couples songs because FOR PETE'S SAKE AND ALL THAT IS HOLY.. you will NOT be able to listen to one iota of a note for maybe like almost TWO YEARS without gushing into pile of said evokey feelings. No, you will not. Take it from me.

So NOW, here we are.. I'm getting all evokey due to said Weepies making me actually weep slightly, which kind of annoys me that they have this Power and all and I think someone should be taking note of this and reporting it to the right people (hellooo?) - and I think well, maybe I should make some resolutions this year and do my best to stick to them. Say them outloud even AND in print! Then you are accountable! You are responsible for doing all you can to meet them! And you are shouting it! Which clearly means you are dedicated! You are committed! Or just annoying the upstairs neighbors..

Anyway.. here goes:

My 2011 Resolutions: (in no particular order)

* Shoot 2010 in the face.

(Oh. Right. Did that. Oops.)

* Be on time - for everything.

Doesn't matter what time you get there if you're not on time. All the work you do after that point is simply discounted sometimes. Better to be on time or better, a little early. I think I just have this thing about waiting and not liking to do it. Must change perspective.

* Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative.

I do this annoying thing called interrupting, which I am getting better at.. but worse still, when I take on projects, I make them mine. ALL mine. So much mine that I become quite the mama bear about them - rather territorial and then there's no room for other opinions unless everyone agrees with me or has ideas that I like. Yeah.. people don't like that so much.

* Choose better words.

When being 'direct and honest' I need to be cautious. This is partly for me and partly for everyone else as a courtesy. I work well with directness and honesty to and from others. At least when someone is direct with me, be it harsh or not, I know where I stand. When I'm direct with those who may not know me well - and even with those who do - I can come across as blunt or abrasive. It's not usually meant that way and most times I certainly don't think I've said it that way, but thinking before speaking can help with how my candor is received and perceived. And yes, it's something I really need to work on. This one's a toughie.

* Speak less.

Seriously. My opinion doesn't have to be heard on Ev.Ery.Thing. Shocking, I know.. but a friend of mine absorbs.. and then speaks.. and it's just so wise. He's an old soul tho and I should do more learning from him. I wish he could teach me how to control those impulses. I swear sometimes words are just like jumping beans inside me needing to get out. Would Children's Benadryl knock them out or would I just be comatose all the time? Lesser of two evils? Hm.. see what I mean? Mouth. Closed. More. Often. Period.

* Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister.

My family life was pretty dysfunctional growing up. I think my brother and I have realized we're softening and it's good to reflect on that and treat each other more like friends. That said, my mother and I haven't found that common ground very often. It's only briefly and infrequent and the other times are way too much like I'm still 17 and living at home and can't wait to leave. I want more understanding of my mother so I can prevent myself from getting to that place where she hates talking to me and I hate myself for becoming that bratty 17 year old. I should also talk to my grandmother more since she's the last one left living.. and she has some great stories she needs to tell us, I just know. She's quite the character.

* Find my bliss.

I don't know what this is or how to find it. It's a lot more vague than I even understand right now, but it just popped in my head and tho it's cliché, it's something true. I need to find what makes me happy so that I don't pull someone else in and subconsciously ask him to be it for me - because it's not another person. It's inward and it could take most of the other things to fall into place before I can get there.. but I want it out there so I'm accountable for making sure I find it - whatever it is.

2011 started out 180 degrees better than last year when someone stole my bag with everything I needed to identify myself and I didn't get it all back for 24 hours. I knew right then that 2010 was cursed - I'd be ok, eventually, but it would be a seriously uncomfortable and disconcerting year filled with unexpected surprises - and not good ones at that. As much as I fought it, it took its toll on me over the course of the year and I finally and mercilessly kicked that shit to the curb and slammed the door in its face when the clock struck midnight this last weekend.

I've been out with two of three guys from that night who sparked an interest and who are still interested after initial dates - amazing! There's one left to meet up with next week, thank you. I am not sad for that situation. That would be looking the finally open Cute Boy Gate in the mouth now, wouldn't it?

I had a massage yesterday and it reminded me I needed to do more of that throughout the year - that whole just taking care of myself sometimes. Do less. Stop taking on so much. Stop making it all about myself. Be nicer, be kinder.. breathe..

2011 - no pressure.. but here I come. Brace yourself.

Sick Of The Sugar Plums..

2010-12-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you've heard.. but the holidays are here. I know, right? The first diamond commercial I witnessed was actually before Thanksgiving. Nooo! The shock! The awe! All kinds of party fouls here. Who do I call? Who do I need to write in order to tell them they broke the non-spoken holiday rule of waiting for the appropriate amount of days before Christmas to kick out the overindulgent materialistic messages? Someone should know. Tho 'someone' would probably to tell me to mind my own Grinchy business.

Seattle is dark and grey once winter officially kicks in. Not that rain is new.. I continually (mis)quote David Hyde Pierce from Sleepless in Seattle when he says it rains nine (ten) months out of the year in here. It's depressing even if you've lived here for 15+ years like I have. We're a depressed area, which is why, when the sun does make an appearance, there's much rejoicing. You really notice the difference.

But until spring, we're now settled in with the gloomy feeling and if you live in a sweet and cozy mother-in-law that can feel rather cave-like at times, it's sometimes so dark on rainy mornings, you don't naturally wake up from the growing light of day. Because hellloo.. there's NO light. Good thing there are such things as alarms.

I'm a fare-weather fan when it comes to holidays. I love this time of year when I'm comfortable spending what I want for friends and family and ache for time to find the right little things for them. I go out and celebrate with drinks on girl dates and burner events. Splurge on funky gifts for the many white elephant holiday parties. But when money is as tight as it is now, and I wish I was exaggerating, but it's pretty tight, the weight of the pressure to reciprocate feels heavier every day. My friends and family are beyond the obligation of it. We just like to spoil each other. Finding the right gift for Mom is never easy because she buys everything she wants for herself the whole year round, but I'm still grateful for everything she's ever done for me and I'd like to try to show her that. Doesn't matter she's hated pretty much every gift I've ever wrapped for her except her Mother's Day ring.. scored big on that one. If I had enough money to wrap a bundle of it up for her don't think I wouldn't. It's the only thing I know she'd appreciate for certain.

I take each day as it comes, hope for the best, something more full-time in the nannying to come, interviewing, trialing with families.. and keep my head up. I went thru my bills and looked at what I could reasonably live without and cable and my sponsored child were the losers (Netflix and the gym weren't even considered. You can't be serious about cutting the things that keep you sane, you know..).

The cable wasn't anything to be upset about, but I was unexpectedly emotional when I reached the Children International rep on the phone. They're so personal and kind - not at all call center-ish, and it's something I've avoided all year because it isn't that much - but there's a point where even $25 makes the difference in borrowing money from your brother or not in order to make rent.

I was grateful the rep told me the child would be sponsored by CI til they found another, but it still broke my heart. I cried when I hung up, got in the shower to get ready for rehearsal and cried some more, and cried til the mascara went on. At some point you have to pull yourself together and focus on what's positive. And besides, it's a waste of good mascara to cry once it's on.

I'm seeing someone very casually - a cute 29-year-old commitment-phobe wine distributor and the no-expectation part of it is fine right now. It sometimes comes with a bottle of wine so I can't sneeze at that.

I was a bit crushed not to get cast in our spring show, Rocky Horror, but I'm learning a lot by assistant directing the next one opening in January, The Cut. The cast is phenomenal and so committed. They're inspiring.

And in case you didn't hear about Snowpocalypse in Seattle, which virtually shut down the city the Monday before Thanksgiving at rush hour, here's a couple of examples for you (that shiny stuff in the picture is ICE - helloo crazy people in shopping carts INSANELY sledding down it!).

It changed to SnOMG in many of the hash tags on Twitter and became endlessly entertaining for anyone with a little time to shoot some video, take pictures or go sledding in garbage cans/lids and um.. yeah, shopping carts. The video happened a few blocks from my house. Clearly, we're a city that doesn't believe in chains.. until it's too late. Whoops!

I know I haven't been writing a lot in the last few months and finding humor in the disappointments has been hard. Sometimes I feel like I've lost any amount of funny I ever had and then I hang out with the two little boys I nanny and giggle all day or I read something hopeful like this or watch something like this and think, hey, at least I don't scream like a girl every time I get attacked by an otter. I'm just saying.

This holiday, however you celebrate, think of your neighbors, the homeless, the lonely, the elderly and others less fortunate. Donate a blanket to a shelter, give an extra dollar to your waiter even if it's crappy service, bake some cookies for your office or just close your eyes and think good thoughts for those you know and love. I think any positive energy sent out into the universe is a good thing.

** On that note, a special virtual hug to Shine and her roommate Kim who's side she's been at while in the hospital struggling with stage 4 cancer and its complications including a very scary surgery today. Thinking of you both and so glad she has you, Shine. Your nickname has never been more appropriate.

Happy holidays everyone! Let's kick this difficult year to the curb shall we?

Family Focus

2010-11-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

I've tried to start a few different posts. I don't think the entire time I've had this blog that I've ever skipped a month, let alone two. I can't seem to finish my Burning Man adventure not to mention the two-day-broken-water-pump-ranch escapade on the way home. To top it off, I didn't even provide a birthday post. What self-absorbed Scorpio misses a chance to talk about herself? Seriously.. I'm really not living up to my full potential.

Telling the story backwards or forwards still means there's a sucky part right in the middle and that's part of the reason I can't get myself to relive it and getting past it has kept me awfully busy. And quiet. I'm not a fast writer most often either and if things don't happen fast lately, then I definitely lose track of time, responsibilities, meeting friends and things that are kind of important. But suffice it to say, I'm ok, mostly happy, trying to figure out my next career direction and hope things fall into place soon.

The best parts have come in bits - all involving a life high coming back from Burning Man with a whole slew of new friends and a new community in my Hippocampus camp. There were ladies' nights, a downtown frat club takeover, birthdays, Seacompression weekend and a spa night. There are some people I've grown closer to and it's never a bad thing to make solid, new friends. I could've used them a lot sooner this year, but I'm just happy to have them now.

And then somewhere in there, the absolute best part of all of this is I met one of my half brothers, Carlos. I met him shortly after the burn and had an instant sister-crush. But I only got a couple of hours with him. So this last weekend, he and his girlfriend, Tara, came up for my birthday and it couldn't have been a better present.

We spent time with my own family since my mom had come into town as well, we wandered the markets, had drinks in my favorite speakeasy and I even got brotherly birthday gifts of keychain mace - of course being the little brother he has to be the protective one - and furry goggles for future burns. Win! I missed him as soon as he left so in a couple of weeks it'll be my turn to spend a weekend with him in Portland - and this time, I may get to meet my first sister, the oldest one. It'll most likely be without Mama C just because sibling time is so important to me. I love my newest mother, but we're 30 years apart and there's a lot of religion surrounding her. I'm now the oldest sibling to two sets of brothers and sisters.. and I've never had sisters. I've never had siblings who look like me, who I feel instant chemistry with, who light up all the nerves inside knowing we are similar people with all our passion and fire. We're strong-willed and have stronger personalities.

It's weird, but it's a huge sense of validation and belonging. My mom will always be my mom, my brother my brother - I love them, that's not in question. Even between blood relatives you might have the same disconnect problem. But in this case it was clear from the moment I met Carlos and certainly from this weekend that we strike positive chords in each other and it's completely energizing and addicting. I kind of want to spend all my time with him.. and I think he said the same thing.

I don't know what my future holds.. like honestly. It's scary.. but this year has been nothing but ups and downs, curves thrown I thought might really get the best of me - which really did once in a while. I know I have a thousand things I still have to work on personally, but hell, I'm 39 now. I'm somewhat of a grown up. I don't look it.. but I hope I'm starting to act it even if some situations don't always reflect that. I just have to keep thinking I'm eventually going to be on the right track, find my way, and whatever other cliché I can think up to focus on the positive. I have a community now like I never did before. That's what really matters.

Cringe-Worthy

2010-09-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get my Burning Man tales together but this week is insanity - mostly in a good way - but spending any time writing feels a little too indulgent. There's work, catching the bus on time - seriously a challenge every morning - you have no idea, a good night's sleep would be fantastic so I'm not passing out at my desk with the new morning schedule every day, theater responsibilities, a little dating, trying to make time for friends and family.. did I mention the gym? Yeah.. that's because I can't get there..

So it feels like quite a change - not that I wasn't busy when I was unemployed because I was - but everything has to be worked around a 9 to 6 schedule now. AND..? There are perks! Hello paycheck, for starters.. a nice raise from what I was making at the last place didn't suck, a lovely group of co-workers, cookies made practically every day in our kitchen making the office smell like Grandma's, which, let me tell you, is SO many kinds of WRONG for productivity AND my waistline I can't even explain.. and right in the middle of downtown where I could drop my entire salary in a lunch hour is ridiculous. Between where to eat, buy coffee/perfumes/make up/clothing/shoes/bags/younameit,it'sforsale.. I mean.. STOP THE INSANITY!

It's kind of a zillion kinds of awesome.

***********************************

And speaking of awesomeness.. tonight was another evening of the Salon of Shame where I READ TONIGHT! Yes! And according to Ms. Shine, I killed. KILLED! As in, they laughed WITH me! Score!

If you'd like me to help you experience what you missed, I'll provide the images and words for your enjoyment and my re-cringing pleasure..

This is the picture they put on the screen behind me for around the time I wrote what I was going to read. I think it's about 1991 and I was in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was Moth. Moth is the only fairy with no lines. Unless of course your director decides to take it upon himself to pen extra Shakespeare-esque words because clearly, Shakespeare wasn't wordy enough, you might get thrown a bone or two.. but he also made all the fairies wear body suits. I think that's scars enough, don't you? My only consolation is that the person on my right (your left) is Ty Burrell who plays Phil in Modern Family. Yes, I truly get to say 'I knew him when' AND that because of him, I'm also officially two degrees or less away from Kevin Bacon. Win!

So I think it took me a while to figure out what love really was and I was a lovestruck kind of girl, always with the heart on my sleeve (that hasn't changed) and falling for every adorable boy I came in contact with (hopefully that part has). As expected, they all broke my heart and each time, I never saw it coming.

I wrote poetry in addition to journals but the ones I have here are only from college and honestly, the journals are a little too painful to read outloud. The poetry, however, was rather hysterical. And over the years, I honed a prose of my own, wouldn't put anything into my poetry journal unless it was worked and reworked to the point I was satisfied it was finished and then it was entered in pen. For finality I suppose. I usually didn't spent too much time rhyming things because every time I did, it turned out so simple and trite. YET.. of course I found some good examples stuffed into the book and picked a few special chestnuts to share.

Probably over some boy my heart was all torn up about:

My heart & head are fightin' to & fro

When one is saying to let you go

And the other's saying no no no

Cuz I love you so...

What do we do now & what do we say

I care too much to keep my feelings at bay

I can't do this anymore

I've never felt this way before

And I can't just throw it all away

Even if it all sounds so cliché

Yeah.. amazing right? A classic.. And then this one I clearly found some inner anger..

What dumb luck

To get so fucked up

So down & washed up over you

I'm sad & I'm cryin

I feel like my heart is dyin

Cuz I've been buyin your lines

Hook, line & sinker

Never much of a thinker

Everything you've got to sell

So I lie awake nights

Wantin' to punch out your lights

I love you, but I'll never tell

Yup - I'm the silent, broody type, I tell you..

So then, lovestruck doesn't even begin to cover it if said adorable guy can sing and play guitar. Complete sucker for that shit. And I fell hard for Scott who had a gorgeous blue Ovation guitar - which has a rounded back and is what I reference in this song (YES! A SONG!) I wrote for him. The idea is that he'd write the music later.. when I suppose I thought we might live happily ever after? I don't know.. but I did think I was the only one to really 'get' him.. you know? I was that deep. Oh yeah.. true story.

It's also labeled 'first song'. As if there would be more.

Soul Speak

In every detail I know who you are

I hear you describe yourself when you play your guitar

Your hands pluck the strings of the smooth melting blue,

And I hear you

I hear you

(chorus) Your soul speaks

From under the red smoky light

Your weaknesses fight

For priority

To be sung in your soul's insecure melody

But your soul speaks

Silently, out of the crowd

It speaks loud and clear

With full strength, without fear

Be it in your own words or James Taylor's

Your soul speaks to me

I see the world is drawn to you

Even the shadows danced - they danced around you

As you stood in that alley laying all that you knew

I listened to you

I thought of that time that will just never be

A long enough forever time ago for me

and I hoped you didn't catch that damn tear in my eye

I didn't expect to cry

(bridge) Maybe it was just the mood I was in

But I was mad at behaving so predictably feminine

And as you acoustically played your soul

A chill blew through me, but I wasn't cold [my favorite part - and it totally killed tonight]

(chorus) Your soul speaks

From under the red smoky light

Your weaknesses fight

For priority

To be sung in your soul's insecure melody

But your soul speaks

Silently, out of the crowd

It speaks loud and clear

With full strength, without fear

Be it in your own words or James Taylor's

Your soul speaks to me

So sing me a song

And I won't keep you much longer

To me speak your soul

Then I promise to go

Your hands pluck the strings of the smooth melting blue

And I hear you

I hear you

I hear you...

Oh for the days when I actually used the right amount of ellipses..

Thank God those are over.. as well as the days of writing terrible poetry. But it was damn good fodder for a laugh or two tonight. I got up in front of 150 people to do it too. My friends said I didn't seem nervous, but honestly, I just focused on not shaking and I did pretty well. My legs may have been like jello walking back to my seat, but it was pretty thrilling. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Look Over Here!

2010-08-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

As I'm so incredibly slammed that I haven't been able to post anything for oh.. almost the last month AND I'm getting ready for Burning Man AND trying to direct a ten-minute short that goes up in like three days, I give you someone else's funnier, way-better-written blog and I can't say I mind one bit. The first post had me almost in tears and I'm a fan of cats. By the time you get to the LOST version of the poster.. well, I don't want to give it away. Simon and the pie charts? I have no words. Partially because I was doing that silent laughter thing by mid-post and I couldn't breathe.

After you read as many as you can, you should click on the other options like 'Complain about this page' or 'I'm sad about something' and you'll see that this person has way too much talent in one brain. I kind of hate him because I love him so much.

27b/6.

Know the awesomeness..

I'll be back when I have something that's not even close to as good as what he writes.. eventually.

Life: Accelerated

2010-07-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've noticed - or maybe you haven't because unlike me, you probably live somewhere that actually has more than the two seasons Seattle has of August and winter - but I haven't been able to keep up with writing because when the sun does come out here, I've actually been in it.

********************

Missing: One Sun For The 4th Of July

It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone who's local that summer starts on July 5th. Something about the fireworks blowing up into the atmosphere kicks Mother Nature in the ass and reminds her that she's behind in sharing the warmer weather with all of us in the Northwest. That said, spring might be late, but by June it always feels like summer is just around the corner. And this year? Yeah.. not so much summer because spring was non-existant. Basically February stuck around for four months. I mean, THIS was the weather we had all damn day on the 4th of July:

I grew up on the Oregon Coast so I'm used to it, but I'm so over the grey and overcast summers that area gets, which is why I left. Rainy, chilly, uncomfortable. Three words I'd never use to describe even a Seattle 4th of July, but this time we didn't see one lick of sun for a single minute. Part of me would've rather had just stayed inside in my pajamas and watched a movie if I wasn't convinced how unsociable that would've been.

My new friend, who I'll call Tallulah (because she's quite classy this one - if she talked with a southern drawl, it wouldn't surprise me.), came to my rescue and let me crash her plans and her friends' party that afternoon. From there, the day just got better and better.

Tallula looking sultry - much more sultry than the day. She was so brave to go sleeveless while I was wearing someone else's sweatshirt over my coat.. brrr..

Who, I ask you.. WHO builds a fire on the 4th of July in the middle of the city? Seriously. It was that cold.

Ironic the flag was completely in the way.. or was it?! Maybe it was the most perfect thing ever!

From that point, it was just a series of 'Beautiful! Wish you were here!' sort of picturesque moments - as you can see. Thank you very much.

Please take note of this one above: The big billowy clouds of smoke near the bottom? Yeah.. that's from the barge. The barge with all the fireworks you can NEVER see when you're anywhere in Seattle for the event because there's too many damn people in front of you or you're on a hill or hanging out of a balcony of some random apartment miles away.. but this?! This view was probably 100 yards or so away from said barge because I WAS ON A HOUSEBOAT MOTHER F*CKER. Aww yeah.. Did I fail to mention that?

Me. Dancing the night away on said motherfuckin' houseboat. Yeah. I said it. It was the best damn 4th of July EVER.

Tallulah and I on the 'deck' of the houseboat with fancy sparklers. Also? Hoping no one bumps us because that deck? Like three feet wide before it ended at the water. And lots of it. I was fully prepared to go over at some point and realize my keys, purse, camera, and hat - all of which were in my hands - would all be lost in the water because that's just the type of stuff that happens to me. True story. And shockingly, not a single accident that night. I know.. right? Amazing.

So we ended up on this houseboat because we wandered down from Tallulah's friend's place on Eastlake - and if the neighborhood's name isn't obvious, it borders the water. The east part. As in.. duh. But not far from Gasworks Park and the University District and where the fireworks barge hangs out and does its business on the 4th of July every year. Down on the edge of the streets where all the houseboats are is the best place to be right under the fireworks - that is unless you are lucky enough to own a houseboat yourself. And we were not. However, we were cute girls and there just happened to be a group of guys wandering down past a rope going towards a private dock and when we slowed down because we couldn't go past it, they waved us on and told us they were headed to a party down there and we should come with them. So like the ~~apparently unafraid-of-potential-serial-killers~~ adventurous chics that we are, we did. Best decision we made that day.

We mingled with some people, met a couple of cute guys and found out they were all friends who came together from all over the country to do this party once a year. We danced til the wee hours, tried to move the party to a bar up the hill and away from the rich and sleepy houseboat neighbors out of respect, but the dive bar couldn't handle the crowd and got rowdy fast so we called it a night. The boys didn't work out for either of us, even tho I got some kissin' the next night after we all had a really lovely dinner together.. but ultimately, he didn't like my baggage so I never heard from him again and Tallulah wasn't completely into her boy who was from L.A. anyway. Whatevs we said. It's all onwards and upwards.

********************

The Play's The Thing

The roller coaster continues and I'm up to my neck in theater, which is all kinds of so many adjectives I don't know where to start. It's amazing and frustrating and stressful and rewarding and overwhelming to pick just a few. I've stage managed three shows in a row, this last one being my least favorite, but finding other priorities like PR for the upcoming shows and projects to focus on or being part of the rather organic committee we created to organize our short play festival coming up in less than two weeks OR just committing today to actually directing one of said short plays because we needed directors. Ack!

Yeah.. I've never directed before. I mean, I'm certainly bossy with opinions about everything and oh yeah, I'm a fantastic criticizer once I see decisions and visions are already made. That's easy. 'Um.. that's wrong.. I wouldn't have done it that way. Meh - I would've been clearer with the details there.' Yeah. Simple right? Once something's in place then you can see a semblance of how you'd change it. You're building upon someone's original idea and making it better. But to create that idea out of thin air and all on your own is something altogether different.

It's just a ten-minute piece. Ten minutes. Can't be that hard right? Or it could be the worst ten minutes of people's lives. Ten minutes they wish they could be stabbing their eyes out with a ballpoint pen because that would be less painful than the train-wreck they just witnessed.

It goes up August 13th and 14th. Hi soon. Practically tomorrow. And it's not even completely cast yet. Nope.. not nervous at all. But hey.. this is how I learn.. and putting my college degree for acting to good use. I'll act like a director! Yeah!

(Fuuuuuuck)

********************

The Year Of Magical Thinking

And I find myself, halfway thru the year, feeling like things are finally starting to lighten. The Boy and I are talking a bit over email. I know he's with someone else, but a whole year and then some we haven't seen each other and only a few emails last August that we've talked. Anything's improvement over silence and I still hope for a friendship out it one day. I miss him in my life and we'll see if that's something real or imagined soon enough.

I have an interview on Wednesday - finally - for another corporate position. After considering going back into the restaurant industry and not doing it yet because it'll clash with any theater schedule making it impossible, I'm really crossing my fingers for this one. I'd like to be able to breathe before the unemployment runs out and it's getting close. You work ten years straight in the corporate world and you barely get enough to live on for much more than six months if you lose your job. Seems really disproportionate to the work you put in.

And then the other shoe dropped.

My best friend I like to call Butterfly was the subject of an email her husband sent last week to me and many of their close friends and family. She told me the last time I saw her a few months ago that she was pregnant with their third child and tho I was really happy for her, I rarely see her so I knew I'd see her even less. I try, but when you have a family, your priorities change and you get other mommy friends who have schedules like yours. I understand, I just miss her.

I thought, without seeing the subject of the email, that this might be something about her upcoming birthday.. but after reading the first sentence about how hard this last week has been for all of them, I knew it was something different.

He said she's been diagnosed with breast cancer and I tried to read the rest and understand, but her husband's a doctor and some of it just went over my head. I had to do that later because for the next few hours, it all got a bit foggy and went in slow motion. I seriously stood in front of my laptop the whole time, unable to move, trying not to cry and be brave for her.. not that it'd help being halfway across the city.. but I cried anyway. Still am writing this now.

The good news is it's not in her lymph nodes and it's hormone receptive. The bad news is they can't stage it, which is everything for prognosis. When I read up on it trying to find anything I could on the web, I found that it gets complicated very fast when it's found in pregnant women because they tend to dismiss something abnormal thinking it's just due to the pregnancy so it tends to be caught in the later stages. Also, being receptive to hormones, the tumor grows from progesterone and estrogen, which are higher when you're pregnant. They can try to fight it with hormone blockers but I have no idea what that means for the pregnancy. I doubt that's even the biggest priority tho when it's really an issue of whether she'll need chemo or radiation. I read that surgery isn't an issue to remove it - I mean, surgery is always a risk, but still, she and the baby should be fine, tho they recommend mastectomy immediately and usually both breasts just to be safe (not that that doesn't hit the absolute core of identifying yourself as a woman.. ugh), and even chemo is possible while you're pregnant. It's whether she'll need radiation or not depending on what stage it is.. and if she does.. the safety of the baby can no longer be guaranteed.

I can't even discuss survival rates because yes, I looked them up and this is why they do all the walks and fundraisers and have pink frickin ribbons everywhere because certainly women survive it, but there are just as many that don't. I mean, it's fucking cancer. They don't consider you in remission til after you're disease-free for five years (I think that's right - please feel free to correct me) and it has a high percentage of recurring within that time or even afterwards when you think you've beaten it.. and then it has a high chance of beating you. What that said to me is that, at minimum, she's got a five-year battle ahead of her.. probably more. And that absolutely kills me for her and her family. Not to mention she has the most gorgeous hair on the planet. I'm constantly envious.

I can repeat how unfair it is til I turn blue but it won't make it better. I'm reminded of how this year started with my purse being stolen on New Year's Eve and wonder if this is the third item in the list of bad things to happen because the first one just felt too ominous not to be recognized as such on the cusp of a new year. A month later, I'm unemployed and I know it sounds silly, but that 'happens in threes' thing happens to me and it usually escalates when it does. Last time it was this obvious was in college when my bike was stolen, my cat was hit by a car, and my father was diagnosed with leukemia. Someone suggested that the earlier setbacks I'd experienced were preparations for the bigger one that knocked me off my feet hard and swift. And it certainly felt like it. Not that this is about me at all. It's not, but again, it just feels like preparation and it's so so scary.

I don't pray or go to church, but when a squirrel jumps in front of my car or I see an accident on the freeway, there's an automatic thank you and hope for whomever that things and people are ok that goes out from me to the world. So in this situation, my fair weather belief kicks in and I have to hope the Universe hears me because this girl is not only a light to me and makes me a better person just by being around her, but she does that for everyone, which is why she's so phenomenal. I sent her six birthday cards she should've received all on the same day trying to get her mind off of this weight for a minute and remember the wackiness that is our friendship and what makes us laugh when we do manage to be in the same place together. I would've sent every card on the planet, but I'm trying my hardest to give them space to deal with all they have to process.

So I haven't written much lately.. as you can see. When people say 'Life got in the way', we all know what that means. In the simplest terms, it's just defining what it means to live: Finding joy and trying to be strong thru disappointments, recognizing the highs of being with friends and lovers and the lows of just being lonely, dealing with the stress as well as reaping the rewards of figuring out what you're good at, and taking in the good and bad news in general because you can't have one without the other.. tho goddammit.. I'd give anything for that not to be true right now.

The Yin & The Yang

2010-06-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

I came home from rehearsal today feeling beaten up and sore from spending my energy cleaning the theater. I didn't quite make a dent.. it's needing some heavy-duty work, but I got a head start on the company cleaning project for next week. Made me feel like things were a bit more in order and ready for this next show's opening, which is this Friday. The show isn't ready.. but I can't do anything about that so I cleaned instead.

My OCD was on a rampage so I let it take over and it continued once I got home. I cleaned everything I could. It didn't help that when I walked in the door, Miss Emma Kitty had left me, I kid you not, at least seven kitty barf messes. And one that was not barf.. Um. Hmmm. If that doesn't get you into cleaning, I swear to God, I don't know what will. I can't be mad at Miss Kitty.. the non-barf item was shown to her and her proper place for that as well. Sometimes she seems to forget for the spry thing she is.

It kind of reminded me of my new Ebay situation - the non-barf present. Ebay and Amazon have never let me down. You buy from random people, cute little stores, and you spend your money and the appropriate person or business sends you whatever you selected since you so promptly paid for it. Ebay, of course, is a bit different being that you have to bid and watch said item so you can, hopefully, win it. I don't use it often, but when I have bought jeans or phone batteries, or whatever, I've never ever had a problem. Not once. I'm rated a good buyer by everyone.

And then I felt I needed a new Mac Box Set to kick-start this little MacBook of mine. She's slowing down a bit in her old age of three whole years. Baby needs an upgraded pony. A new Mac is out of the question being that I'm still unemployed.. but wouldn't you know that you can bid on the box set, which is normally $165 retail and get it for a fraction of the cost. What I didn't know is that when I won said item at $107, including shipping, and paid for that baby, that would be the end of the transaction.

Like I said, I rarely buy things online and when I do, I read the fine print. This said 'Seller sends within 3 days of cleared payment'. At three days, I emailed the seller asking when to expect the item and added the appropriate 'please' and 'thank you' where needed. He wrote back the next day and said he'd been out of town on the win day (a Thursday) and would send on Tuesday. He didn't say he wasn't back so I didn't know why Monday wasn't an option and emailed back asking if that was possible. No response. Tuesday at 5pm and no email from him with the shipping info came so I emailed again, asking for a status. Then I looked up the item, found he'd re-listed either mine or a 'similar item' and really didn't understand. I emailed him again, now concerned that I really needed to know when this was being sent because he seems to have re-listed what I already paid for.

You'd think he might've been understanding. Sellers are supposed to send promptly, especially when you pay promptly. But I didn't get an ounce of that. What I did get was an email filled to the brim with snark saying he 'didn't live and breathe Ebay' and didn't appreciate 'all' my emails because two in one day was apparently overkill. Um.. I'm sorry, two emails are a bother, but taking my money and then NOT SENDING what I just PAID FOR isn't a problem? Hm.. Ok. Right. I'm the crazy one. He added he'd send the item that day and I shouldn't 'threaten' him with negative feedback. I didn't threaten him. I simply said I'd follow up with feedback if there were further issues. He hadn't done what he said he would, which is what feedback is for and the sellers set their terms, which he, himself, had not met. I'm still at a loss how that's unreasonable.

I asked for the eta and the shipping info to be sent by end of Wednesday, now six days after purchase. He immediately writes back and asks why he should send it at all now since I already posted the negative feedback, which is true. And, since they only give you a single line for this, all I said was, 'Been 5 days since won/pd for item and no shipping info sent. Really unhappy', which could've been fixed HAD HE SENT IT. But INSTEAD, tells me he WAS going to send it two-day air, but NOW I WON'T RECEIVE THE ITEM UNTIL HE 'FEELS LIKE SENDING IT'. This is after mocking me for shortening the word receive to rec'v, which in my former line of work, is normal and any moron would understand what I meant, but he said I clearly was saving time on using extra letters because he knew I 'had other people to piss off today'. Wow. Ok.. well.. actually, that's a pretty good zinger, but hardly the point because of course that wasn't what I was doing. So there. Then he proceeded to tell me my 'standards were to high' and 'you'll get it wen you get it'. I'm guessing 'wen' will be.. something around the time of never? But the guy was only good for one insult and the rest grammatically went down from there. I sure learned my lesson about who the smarter one of us is. I bet he's a real winner when using your and you're and there and their.

Um.. to my rescue was NOT Ebay or PayPal. Their policy is to wait seven days, which is fine, but they're auto response is that your item is 'probably on its way' and in the midst of being shipped. Um.. no, it's not. He told me it wasn't. But there's no match for that when you search for your 'question' of 'asshat seller who refuses to send purchased item out of retaliation and essentially just stole $107 from me'. No no, there is not.

Actually, 'they' are 'looking into it' and 'will attempt' to get to it 'in 30 days'. The status today says the seller has until June 27th to respond now. Because you know what? He hasn't. Color me shocked.

What I would like 'looked into' is just getting my money back. Do you think Apple would've given me this problem? Not in the slightest. You give them money, they give you stuff. That's how this retail type of world works. Because taking money and NOT giving you said wanted thing is actually A CRIME. It's called STEALING. Or in online situations, and within a fucking thesaurus, A SCAM. It's pretty clear the rules of selling on Ebay kind of look down on that practice (tho yeah, I probably shouldn't have written negative feedback BEFORE I received notice of the item being shipped.. ahem.. I know, ok?!).

Oh and in case you're wondering why I just didn't call PayPal or Ebay, I thought of that first. Like.. duh. But there is no number to reach Ebay or PayPal. Not even a teeny tiny customer service group out of India with strong accents I'd have trouble understanding. No hold music, no 30-minute wait. Simply no number to call. Ever. Genius really.

So here I am, NOT thinking about how much faster this little baby would move had something been sent in the mail in a timely fashion or all the cat puke stains on my bedroom carpet or the calamity on stage about to happen Friday. Here's why:

I made super yummy non-fat brownies for the cast for tomorrow's tech rehearsal.

I also made blueberry cornbread muffins. Also yummy. Broken all over the place tho but oh well. Muffin tops are the best anyway.

My house is totally clean.

Emma is the cutest kitty currently all curled up on the couch all mouse-like and I could just eat her up.. sort of. Not really.

I think I have no wrinkles on my face because seriously? This lotion, Neutrogena Healthy Skin with Alpha-Hydroxy/spf 15 might be the most amazing thing ever. Not new to me, just sharing. True story. I dare you to find a single crow's foot anywhere around my eyes. Pretty good for 38. Just saying.

I've been invited to my first ever gay wedding. Stoked!

Breathe (extended version) by Telepopmusik is simply one of the best songs ever. Provides instant relaxation for some reason and I always feel better listening to it.

A friend just bought me a massage. Just because. Hi. How awesome is that?! SO awesome, that's how! I kind of wanted to cry I need it so bad. More thank you's are in order for that.

I love my new theater friends. They are truly talented, which I admire, but they are just really good people. Sometimes, you have moments where things line up perfectly and perfect people come into your life. I just like that.

A local bartender just named a drink after me at one of my favorite little speakeasy bars. It's originally called the St. James Cooler, but I don't love whisky so Jameson is out. Instead he substituted brandy to the rest of the St. Germaine, lemonade, soda and mint. Try it. You might think it's refreshing and rather 'angelic' as well.

Off to bed thinking positively now.. I know I'm supposed to try a bit harder not to let the negatives get to me, but I also know myself and venting is cathartic. As long as I end on something happy, I think that's improvement. Sweet dreams kittens!

Reality Check

2010-06-19T01:56:00.001-07:00

So that authentic person I was talking about being? Yeah.. sometimes that authentic person is just plain bitchy. Like for realz. I'm sure it's a dysfunction of my upbringing and it's something I've been fighting since I was in college when someone had to point out how negative I could be.. but ultimately, it's my fault now and up to me to fix because even I know it makes me not fun to be around. I don't have to be Pollyanna, but I don't have to be catty. I mean, sometimes catty has its place, but most of the time, it's just mean. But it's also sooo easy to be that way. Being nice takes effort. Being warm and genuine.. well.. has to come from a genuine place and maybe I don't always feel that towards certain people or certain situations and when I can't speak up and be honest, it manifests itself into nasty things like passive-aggressive comments and catty insults.

Hi, rude much? I kind of am. And I'm kind of calling myself out on it.

The other things I've noticed recently that go along with all this negativity are that I'm a raging control freak. Especially on projects that aren't mine. I think I know a better way to do it, everything is wrong about how the other person or people are doing it, and it just exponentially continues to make me into this stressed-out-beyond-understanding monster. I feel some sense of made-up ownership and I literally have to say the following outloud in order to stop: 'Why are you letting this get to you so much? If something is wrong, it's not all your responsibility. You've participated, you've assisted where you could, you were present. This. Is. Not. Your. Stress.. so stop worrying for chrissakes. Plus? It's not all wrong. This is fine. Things will be fine. Everything will work out. Because it will.'

Breathing helps.

Yes, I really did say a version of that to myself tonight. Did it stop me from being bitchy? Nope. But I had this feeling come over me as I was going home that I could've prevented most of that behavior and I chose an easier route of putting others down in a poor attempt of making myself look better.

Add to that my OCD-ness is getting slightly maddening and mixed with a project plus the control freakiness and I'm a little crazy intense maybe. I notice people just stop arguing with me because they've given up and whatever it's about isn't as important to them as it is to me. But it shouldn't be that important to me either. Seriously.. I've mentioned this issue with being bad at picking my battles and thought I was getting better at it, but I really don't think that's the case. Sometimes I have good reason, but I have to find a better way to go about it.

I'm not completely beating myself up here. Most of these realizations come with taking on company positions with the theater I'm working with and trying to help revitalize awareness about them. And the new ones of us who've joined have made some good strides in being available to help, coming up with productive ideas for new projects, assisting with the choosing of the next season and finding new directors and designers. All really good progress.

But change takes time and when you've been asked to help, you can't just take over. And for some reason, I keep thinking that's my role. And it's so not. No one wants to work with anyone who dictates. It has to be collaborative, which means you won't always agree on everything, but you have to maintain diplomacy so as to preserve order and stay productive.. otherwise people's feelings get hurt, resentment breeds rapidly and nothing comes together as it should.

I have to slow down sometimes in order to see these patterns in myself and theater's a funny beast. You only get so much time to create a show and it starts out like you have plenty of it and then suddenly, you're one week away and you don't have all the costumes, props aren't completed, the cast is sooo not ready.. but it always seems like it won't come together - and sometimes it works out anyway and sometimes it doesn't because it's just not a great show. It happens for varying reasons - but it does no one any good to add the weight of more negativity to that situation. When I slow down and stop taking so much ownership of things, I realize I have to be part of the solution and not part of the problem and I can only control what I can control, which is myself. All that energy spent on that much negativity just sucks the fun and happy out of me.

Then I just end up drinking a lot in order to unwind because it's so readily an option and geographically convenient to the theater as well as my own neighborhood. But it's the most immediate (see: unhealthy) way to deal with stress because when I'm this wound up, it's easy to over-do it. Like.. last night, for example, when a friend took me out. Drinks kept getting handed to me and even tho there weren't that many (they pour almost a two-shot standard, which I didn't know), after finally feeling relaxed, smiling and getting down on the dance floor with my friends, shortly thereafter I knew I was in trouble. Ugh.. I hate that feeling. As a result, I spent ALL day today recovering horizontally for the most part, unable to get out of bed til early afternoon, had three rounds of painkillers for my explody-feeling head and I'm doubting that's the way to regularly relieve that kind of internalized pressure. No no, it is not. Take heed, children.

Don't worry. I'm no alcoholic. That's not denial, honestly. I've always been a cheap date when it comes to booze and sometimes, I have to remind myself I've already been there, done that with that level of drink and I'm not in my 20's anymore. Thank God.. So, lesson re-learned and I'm soon back to my usual trick of one drink, then water, second drink, then done because the better over-all solution to all this would be to figure out how not to get so tightly wound in the first place. Be more a team player, less a steamroller. Yes.. right?

There's the rub. Epiphanies are all well and good, but you have to put in some effort to stop repeating destructive patterns. It's challenging and disorganization continues to push my OCD and control buttons, but I'll start trying to take on the things I can in more manageable chunks - something I learned in my Theater Business class. Works on so many levels.. but still, easier said than done, for me at least.

Man.. this being an adult stuff is hard.

Unanonymous

2010-05-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog for the right reasons.. well, ok, scratch that. I did. I started it for me. To work thru things, to be who I wanted, have my own sense of grammar where I made myself laugh at the dumb things I did or said and didn't take myself too seriously. When I first started, I think I definitely took myself too seriously.. and I made blogging mistakes and soon learned being on the fancypants interweb that there is a sense of etiquette even if you're mad at someone you'll never talk to again.. because you might make up. Or, if there's no making up to be had, people could use the words you wrote on said fancypants interweb against you somehow. Of course, it would've helped had I started it anonymously in the first place.

But I didn't. And I did it that way to keep myself accountable. To myself. For me at least, in order to be genuine, you had to know me. Know more than just my relationships thru made up code names and tho I never talked a lot about my day jobs really, it's because they never identified me anyway. They just gave me a reason to feel like a contributing member of society. But with my words and creating them here, I could hone a personality that literally put anything I wanted 'out there' but I forced myself to just be as real as possible because I honestly don't know any other way to be. I could pretend, but it's actually harder to do and the writing would be so forced.

So I'm just me. As I try to be in Real Life. I write what I live and hope it's not boring as all get out because no one wants to read drivel like that. I try to be true to myself and recognize that as I'm getting older, I'm calming down, maturing from this little girl I used to be, and I'm happier with who I've become. I'm not done figuring things out by any means.. it's just nice to feel more settled with who I am.

That said, sometimes things are boring. Sometimes they're so challenging, it's hard to write them out again because I don't want to relive them.. or so much has happened it'd take 20 posts to explain it all and that seems daunting. And sometimes there are just random things that don't seem to go together, kind of like now, and I just write and hope it all ties together.

This weekend, I came home tipsy at 3am from the closing night party of the last show I stage managed and I felt it was time. It really didn't take that long to write, but from start to finish, I summarized most of the last year and then said I didn't understand why we hadn't done this already, after all I thought we'd meant to each other. I said I hoped we could figure out how we might be able to reconnect and be friends someday.. and off that email went to The Boy.

I don't regret it. It needed to happen. It's been almost a year since we've seen each other face to face and I actually knew it would take this long. And of course, I hadn't written something like that before to prove I was stronger than that pull he had on me and because once you send it, you're only waiting for the response and I didn't want to be that girl. So I waited til I knew not only was I stronger, but my heart was healed and I wouldn't live or die based on whether he wrote me back or not.. And no, I'm not dead, of course, and it barely crossed my mind today til I thought about writing and I realized I haven't received any response. And it's fine. But there's that teeny part of me.. that part only I can tell is still there like a scar that if you press it, you can still feel the memory of the hurt..

I wrote Carmen to catch her up on most of the things happening lately as well because life has ramped up and I've been busy with the theater and taking on some big company roles, which is pretty thrilling.. but I thought maybe soon I could come down to visit her while getting in some time with my mom. Since it's been some time since Carmen and her family have had to absorb that I'm the daughter Carmen gave up for adoption and would like to know her, I asked if maybe I could meet two of the four half-siblings I have who live in the area. And for some reason I expected that with a couple of months, they would be just as curious as I was to meet and connect with them.. but it turns out, not so much. They really have no interest in meeting me at all.. at least not right now. It's weird to feel disappointed and also apathetic at the same time. I don't know them so it doesn't seem like a huge deal.. until I put some thought into it and then not ever having siblings who look like me or have any blood relation before, I'm excited by the idea - but I also don't allow myself to hope that of complete strangers. They're so virtual it doesn't hurt.. but the rejection of meeting me does, if that makes any sense at all and I'm not sure it does.

I could start over - another blog that is. Where no one knows me and try another voice and another approach, but it wouldn't be me. I don't hide much of anything and eventually a similar personality would appear if anyone cared to compare them.. not that anyone would. But sometimes, I envy the moments where I know others can do and say anything with no consequences to face going from the virtual world to the Real Life them. But I just don't know how to do that. I want to connect by being real even in this computer-generated circle because I'm a connector in Real Life too. Even if the boyfriend of almost a year lets another whole year pass by in complete silence after we're over, I wonder why that much space is necessary and feel like being friends would be worthwhile. And, even if it's not an instant family reunion after finding my bio mom, I still want to see if some sense of family might come out of it.

I could've let The Boy continue to think I'm invisible, but I was over letting time pass without knowing each other to some degree. I could've done the same thing with Carmen. Not ask to meet her or not care if my siblings aren't ready to know me.. but I don't know how to live anonymously like that. I don't know how to give up or prevent it from effecting me, no matter how mature I get. It won't destroy me, but it certainly challenges a spark in me to stay lit when it wants to fade and give up. So I keep trying. I speak up. I say how I feel when I feel it. I try to act like a grown up when dealing with difficult situations. And I want last year's ick to be so far buried under the good that's created from working at things like these situations so I keep reaching out and hoping the connections I'm trying to make are reciprocated and stick.. and if they're not or if they don't, well.. I know I was as authentic as I can be.

It's risky - the fact that I don't hide much and you can find a lot about me here.. sometimes saying it way too loudly in caps and over-emphasized with too many swear words.. trying to extend myself with those who I think matter, but might not think the same of me.. but that's the point. It's where it gets interesting. I just can't blend into the crowd. The attention whore in me won't allow that especially when there's just no challenge in being anonymous. No one knows who that is. I like the challenge of being myself because I think that girl kind of rocks.

List-less

2010-05-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've made a list in a while.. or talked to those cute girls in the UK who I adore and who's blogs I've neglected (they know who they are) and those girls were the ones who were always my listy inspirations. But I saw this list on another blog called Employment FAIL - which you should also read because why? Wayyy funnier than me - but they didn't create the list either so I had to steal it because helloooo.. funniest thing I've seen since oh.. being unemployed in January. And that's saying a lot. Not that there's been a lot to laugh about, tho Karma has been a helping hand lately and not kicking me while I'm down, but here I am, laughing, feeling good and feeling listy. So let's get to it.

Um.. I may have also stolen the post idea from one of Employment FAIL's guest bloggers. Hey, I never said unemployment provided any extra creativity or anything.. just time to think, wow.. I'm so not creative right now. Thus.. here we are. So.

Things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. Mangos are really really good. And only 99 cents at Trader Joe's right now. I personally think that's a bargain for a little Hawaii (or wherever they come from.. I suck at geography) in your mouth.

2. Miss Emma Kitty seems happier with me around more. Not that she notices when I'm not because she'd be sleeping for 8-10 hours, but still.

3. There's way too much traffic at 5pm. What is UP with that?!

4. I have really bad circulation. You know how I figured this out? HOURS of SITTING on my kitchen stool being 'productive' on the laptop by looking for work. And I say it that way because if the people paying $12 an hour would even return my resume submissions, maybe there'd be some hope.. but it's been pretty bleak. Why isn't there an internet cafe in my apartment in a cushier place? Oh right.. there is. It's called THE COUCH, which I avoid because the threat of napping my troubles away doesn't usually work even tho a nap always sounds better than looking for a stupid job.

5. Ok.. jobs are not stupid. They just don't seem to be lining up at my door. Stupid empty line.

6. Not worrying every second about money and bills for the moment is nice.

7. What isn't nice? Poopy diapers.. but over not working at all, I'll take it.

8. Nannying may not be the ideal job for me, however, to get paid for playing trains or super heroes or laughing while a 1-year-old climbs all over you giggling? Yeah.. doesn't suck. 180 degrees less stressful than any office job I can think of.

9. Not all floss is made the same. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, save yourself a measly dollar by purchasing the Target brand Glide floss.. seriously not as good. Splurge the extra buck and get the real thing. I love me some good Tar-zsay deals.. don't get me wrong, but here, I'm forced to draw the line. You are welcome.

10. Happy hour is awesome and you lucky full-time employed people just can't enjoy it like the rest of us. I'm sad for you.

11. I do end up drinking a lot more. Friends take me out, cute boys, etc. Is this good for me? Probably not.. but due to too many drinks more often than not at 100 calories a glass at least, it does make me hit the gym a lot more often. I say that's a decent trade off.

12. That said, bartenders are good friends to have.

13. Shockingly, I can't seem to catch up with my Netflix queue or the dvr recordings waiting patiently for me. I have all the season finales I need however, I like that I haven't been spending my free time in front of the tv. I've been making theater, being creative, fostering it in others actually.. and that's all kinds of awesome.

14. And looking for work is a given. It's just frustrating, like everyone who's unemployed knows. You keep looking for a needle in a haystack, something that speaks to you, something challenging, and which you might have a chance at that 3000 other people aren't qualified for, but you, of course, are. I keep doing it because I have to keep hoping. You have to keep trying. I want to work. I think it's human nature to want to contribute.. but do you wait for the right thing or take whatever might be available? You can't even bus tables without sending a resume and I haven't worked in a restaurant in probably 12 years. How can I be both under and over-qualified for that? Sigh.. I honestly don't know.

15. I've at least found one new direction. Yours truly, besides being a fantastic bosser-arounder, actually has a good eye with seeing what works and what doesn't in theater. The Boy sometimes made me think I didn't because he was also good at what he knew and rather self-absorbed.. but being outside his world and creating my own has made me feel stronger in my own opinion. I've been allowed to move around autonomously a bit in this current show and I've received a ton of positive feedback regarding how I relate and work with this cast. Maybe it's a fluke, but I'm hoping I can shadow the projects of some of the directors I know eventually. I'm kind of excited about those possibilities.

16. Also, if you aren't watching Modern Family, may I ask you WHY NOT?! Have you seen the episode where they all go to Hawaii?! I mention too much that I went to college with Ty Burrell and that he's the nicest guy ever. I don't harass him or anything (simply because I don't have his email), but honestly, it's the funniest thing on tv. True story.

17. Ok ok and tho it seems like I'm watching tv a lot after saying I wasn't, here's the best new equation: Betty White + SNL = OhMYGod! The Delicious Dish muffin sketch? Unbelievable! Not to mention Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon are in it too.. but if you haven't seen it, Hulu that asap!

18. I'm an awesome person, a kick ass friend, a great employee (when I'm not late), and an even better stage manager. I struggled with believing these things at the beginning of the year because people - and by that I mean a lot of them - told me otherwise. That's a large weight to process especially when you're still filtering a wounded heart you think you'll never get over and the loss of other people who simply choose not to be in your life any longer. It's nice to know that the numbers who believe in me well outnumber those who don't.. and the negative perspective may not change, but it doesn't effect me like it did a few months ago because the positive feedback just keeps coming my way and unsolicited, I might add. But honestly, I know I lost who I was. I saw that happen, but I couldn't stop it because sometimes you just have to be sad. And now, that super strong and happy girl has finally, FINALLY returned.. and she's even better than I remembered.

My Kind Of Math: Sun + Karma + Blogversary = Happy!

2010-05-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

Today could not possibly be more gorgeous. The weather is perfect - a very warm 65 degrees that knocked on my door this morning and beckoned me to come outside my funky victorian apartment with Miss Emma Kitty and absorb some of its magical rays. So we rolled out of bed to do so - after coffee first of course - and I dressed passably enough to not be in pajamas, by which I mean I put a bra on, put the t-shirt back on that I wore to bed and added some cute little cargo pants and some flips. I might've even brushed my hair.. I mean, I'm not completely white trash. Add a flamingo lawn ornament and maybe a mojito in my hand and I could be in a postcard you'd wish you were getting.

Today feels different than the rest of this week but I started to feel this sense of independence yesterday. I don't get it often. I'm not a girl who likes to be alone much. But I imagined a lazy morning, some sitting in the sun on my semi-porch (and thus since starting this post, have burnt my arms for being out so long. Note to self: at least spf 15 is required in this Global Warmed World even with my Mexican skintone. Gah.), a little cardio at the gym and then a night of stage managing the fun cast I've been working with on Poona the Fuckdog. And so far, it's good. I take this feeling when it happens. Sort of like the one I get when I just start cleaning. I don't stop myself because I get on this roll and it just feels good. So when I'm happy being alone, it's not only welcomed, but it's a relief knowing that I'm stronger than I realize sometimes. I'm fine on my own or dating or being out with a group of friends. It also might be that I'm finally letting go of the hurt and insecurity that came with the last heartbreak and that's a giant weight lifted.

I run into people associated with Boy's theater occasionally and sometimes they're weird and sometimes they're super cool depending on who they are. Leaving that world shook me. I thought I'd still be connected despite the break up and/or leaving the company, but I found that wasn't the case due to the fact most of those relationships weren't very real and maybe I wasn't all that well liked considering my boyfriend was the executive director and I guess people thought he was babying me. Who knows.. moreover.. who cares..

That said, not everyone is like that in the theater world and just making new connections and starting to feel refreshed is something positive. I'm considering auditioning again, tho I hate it - as do most actors - but if I get my shit together I could start to get a feel if I really do suck or if this is something I could at least do once in a while. Being a stage manager is good when I need a bossy kick.. but it's not very creative. I need an attention whore outlet once in a while, I have to admit, and it's been long overdue.

In the meantime, unemployed is what I still call myself since the nannying is just part-time and I'm not sure I'll continue it long-term. I require my own nap after looking after children all day.. and by all day I mean maybe six hours sometimes. It's a level of exhaustion I didn't expect - not that I don't adore them and their families, because I do, but you can't take your eyes off them for a second or they could fall down the stairs, blind themselves or a sibling with the tail of a plastic alligator, hit their chin on a table corner, fall off a stool.. I mean, dear God - they should be enveloped in bubble wrap for safety at all times in my opinion - tho I'm sure Children's Services would have something to say about that.. but it's just a suggestion.

Dating is still there.. some new options have made themselves known, but I'm not thinking about it too much or putting too much pressure on anyone. Maybe it's this gorgeous sun shining down on my face and making my freckles pop that inspires an extra boost of happy just in being with myself or just another girlfriend to make everything feel like it's working these days. I love the idea of finally letting last year go and even tho this one came with a rocky start, it seems that's how my years tend to begin so I should just know by the time spring arrives, everything will smooth itself out.

Speaking of which, tho I'm about a week late - it was the last day of April five years ago was when I began this blog. A lot has happened. I've grown up a bit, I think I was funnier then, but whatever - I'm all at the same time cockier and more self-deprecating. I'm not sure if there's a word for that other than perspective. I think I'm awesome, but yeah.. I'm a complete dork who makes a kajillion mistakes and I fall down a lot in public. It's a trade off. But overall? I'm happier, I feel good that I'm still here, still writing honestly and doing my best to be true to myself. I'm proud of that. And I hope you are too.. my FOUR readers. Hey, that's fine with me. I'm no prima donna, but I do love love.. so I'll take whatever I can get. Happy Blogversary to me!

As usual, please feel free to send wine or money.. or wine-flavored money.. whatever.

Awesomeness Pending..

2010-04-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

When you need some cheering up.. when things seem like they're not falling into place - trust that they will eventually because, I have to tell you - whatever it is comes back around your way, bad times will suddenly become a memory, the sun will shine, the clouds will part and rainbows and bunnies and unicorns will become a daily visual occurrence.

I WON the unemployment benefits appeal.. Thank you VERY much!

I can hardly stand it, it's SO awesome!

Stuff Goes Here

2010-04-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

As per usual, I'm in the middle of tech week for the next show I'm stage managing, Poona the F@#kdog (true story AND the play is AWESOME I might add), and have no time whatsoever to catch up with my favorite virtual world. For you who are real, eesh.. my apologies! I suck.

I haven't read your blogs, haven't written anything new in my own and with the nannying I just started.. seriously? Write at the end of the day? Hi.. sleep is the first priority. It'd happen if I wanted to or not anyway. I'm sort of comatose as soon as I walk in the door at the end of the day. I write in my dreams, people! It's now a luxury! Who knew?!

I spend my day looking after the welfare of small humans, which is actually quite rewarding but extremely exhausting and then I go to rehearsal after a teensy tiny break. Yesterday I fit in 25 minutes at the gym and it was a freakin miracle I made it to rehearsal on time. Because.. helloo.. have you tried to park in Belltown?! Brings you to tears if you actually get a spot within three blocks of where you'd like to be any given day of the week. I can't even talk about weekends and the last two days I got rockstar parking in front of the theater. NEVER happens. I heard choirs of angels singing..

I digress.. AND I need to get in the shower, down some coffee and prep some chai for the rest of my day. Three hours with one family. A one hour break. Three hours with another family and then maybe, naptime for me. What? You learn to appreciate the value of naps so much more when you put kids down daily. Especially for little boys.. wow they are high energy All. The. Time. And they throw things. But naps are my new favorite thing.

Ok.. off I go! Next time.. something wayyyy more substantial and possibly interesting! Yes!

Living Proof

2010-04-07T03:30:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of weeks now to absorb the idea that she does exist, my birth mother. She's very much alive, has always thought of me, prayed for me, and hoped that I'd been given a good life since she gave me up for adoption. It's a nice feeling - seeing her face, her smile, her eyes.. all of which resemble the face I've seen in the mirror for 38 years. She's been able to see that in her other children but I've never known that feeling and I'm not sure I even have words yet to express that sense of satisfaction. I knew I'd look just like her. I just knew.

I drove down to my grandmother's house that week, near the end of March, and met both her and my mother there. It was all very every day, like they see me all the time even tho they don't. The only thing that was odd was when I mentioned needing to get some lunch since they'd already eaten, Mom handed me $20 without even thinking. She knows I'm unemployed but I sort of felt 17 again and she was just being a mom. It just made me wonder, in a matter of hours, how my birth mother would welcome me.. not that I expected her to give me money.. that would just be weird, but would I feel the connection of mother to child at all or would she just be a complete stranger I was meeting for the first time?

I headed to Mama C's house for dinner that afternoon. She lives in a quiet neighborhood in a pretty suburb of Portland and I stopped at the top of her street because I honestly couldn't breathe. My heart was beating outside my chest and I needed an extra boost to make it the rest of the way so I called my friend, Anthony, who reminded me this is what I've been dreaming about for the last 10 years and there was nothing to be scared of. I could totally do it. Right. Yes. Gasp.. gasp. Ooook.

I'm not sure what kind of casual you're supposed to be when meeting the woman who gave birth to you a lifetime of years ago whom you've never met.. but I was trying to embody that when I pulled up to her house. Heyyy.. yeah.. I'm totally cool. Not having ANY issues NOT breathing AT ALL! Nope! Not even! Whoooo..

I walked up to the house, a lovely colonial, and the door sort of just opened before I could knock and there she was. She'd just had hip surgery and was using a walker, but immediately I was looking into eyes that were exactly like mine. That's the first thing I noticed.. and that basically, I was looking into my own face about 30 years from now. I. Can't. Even. Begin.. explaining the feeling that gave me.. like I could almost feel the missing piece of me being filled. And then we both tried to have a normal chat between two women who've never met before that moment and catch up years of lost time. Mostly, we just sat there trying not to stare at the other in amazement even tho that's exactly what we were doing.

How does one take this all in? She asked so many questions and because I was simply overwhelmed and she seemed so much calmer in her own setting, I talked about myself because that's easy. 'No, not married, no children.. I had this awful year.. um..' and she handed me a tissue because suddenly I was crying out of no where relaying the Cliff's notes from then to now - loss of a lover, a stepfather, a broken mother, loss of stable employment - and I was realizing I came with nothing. I mean, you lose so much you just feel like a loser. And there I was with nothing to offer the woman who decided to carry me for nine months and unselfishly let me go to another family who could provide for me when she couldn't.

They had pictures of their family and friends all over the house. She showed me my four half-brothers and sisters and I could see the resemblances between us. I just nodded and kept thinking, finally, I see it. I saw pictures of their children and then my biological grandparents who are no longer living. My grandmother looks happy and spry in all her pictures including one for her graduation when she went back to school to finish her degree. Her dress was appropriate for her grandmotherly age, but hot pink and she wore matching heels. In that picture she looks like she'd be the last one to leave the dance floor. I can definitely see where I get my spirit from. It was unbelievably cool.

I also saw pictures of Mama C as a nun and then after beginning her life with her husband, Charlie. She was always smiley and bubbly and is wearing the cutest a-line dresses I was coveting. She told me about her sisters as well. Helen, the youngest, committed suicide some years ago and was bi-polar and the oldest, Josephine, is alive but suffering from a degenerative muscle disorder. Both situations made me sad for her. All their pictures as young women are so pretty, but Helen sort of reminded me of Raquel Welch when she was younger - that type of wow pretty with no effort. I loved seeing everyone - my mother, her sisters, my grandmother - living their lives.. even in just black and white or 1975 tinted color.. I just wanted to keep them all in my memory.

She told me none of her children were ever told about me til the day before I arrived and my sister and brother who live in Portland were still digesting the news. The other two live in Virginia and she's figuring out how to tell them since that might be better conveyed in person. I can understand how it would be quite a shock to be told you're not the oldest or first child anymore.. and she says now they're absorbing it well, but I haven't met them yet. Baby steps..

Mama C gave me the best piece of information when we talked on the phone the day before: my ethnicity. I've been asked a zillion times and could never answer the question. I romanticized it and thought Mexican and Irish, Portuguese or Spanish something or other and wholesome Cracker.. ? But I know now. My grandfather was Mexican and my grandmother was Mexican and French. My father, she remembered, was Jewish and tho I don't think it adds up to a whole, it equals something to the effect of slightly more than a third Mexican, possibly half Jewish, and an eighth French. That equals ALL kinds of awesome, doesn't it? I was never good at math, but just knowing the combination makes me feel like a pretty fantastic collection of people.

The story of my conceptioin is the tough part to explain because it wasn't a happy situation for her. She'd given up her vows as a nun about a year and a half prior, she'd previously been fairly sheltered, and she was a young Catholic woman in the world trying to make something of herself. At 30 she looked much younger and it's possible too she was just naive having come from her previous world. Either way, she went out with my father once, never saw him again, and realized she probably should've known him a bit better. She's embarrassed by the details I'm leaving out so that's the most I can really say, which is still probably too much.. but I was right when I guessed she didn't tell him so he never knew about me. She doesn't even remember his name and I think that's the best thing for her. She feels blessed that something good came out of it and I'm ok leaving it at that for both of us. With no information about him, my father would be impossible to find and besides that, I always felt she had all the answers I was seeking.

We went back and forth with stories and questions, sometimes interrupting to find out random bits - if I liked British mysteries - she does, I've no opinion really; if she sings - I do, she does, but I don't think as often or like I'd strived to do in theater and bands, but she's musical - likes jazz piano, which she's learning. I used to take piano when I was a kid. She reads, writes, likes the arts, history, has at least one or two more volumes of the complete works of Shakespeare than I do (I have three), and she became completely annoyed when the Gypsy Kings came on the cd player. I tried not to laugh but I thought the same thing - they have their place, but at that moment, it was just noise. She had me turn it off. Later, at dinner, her husband was just bringing the last item and she put her hand on mine and said, 'I think I'm a little OCD,' and I replied in shock, 'No.. I say that ALL the time! What makes you say that?' And she looked towards the cupboard where Charlie had left one open and she said, 'He'll do that, leave the cupboard door open and it drives me crazy,' and she firmly told him to make sure he shut it and he even more firmly told her to let it go in response. Ahem. 'Sometimes I risk it,' she whispered coyly after that and I giggled because I do the exact same thing. Press people. Since she was laid up and unable to move much, her daughter was coming over the next day to help her clean the house the way she likes it and again, I knew exactly what she meant. Clearly I'm not the only woman cut from that Cloth of Crazy.. and by crazy of course you know I mean we just require the people who love us to be very, very patient.. even tho we don't know the meaning of the word ourselves. What?

Charlie, besides being 10 years younger, did all the fussing about dinner and dessert. It was very sweet and he was just as welcoming with me. I could tell he was very protective of her especially in her condition of being unable to get around much. He left us alone the majority of the time to talk and joined us briefly when the subject of religion came up. It's something they're both deeply passionate about and it's elemental in their lives. It's one thing we don't have in common, but I've always felt on the fence about it and drawn to issues of God and the devil, heaven and hell, and I've decided for myself what exists for me and what doesn't. She was understanding where I was with my own spirituality even tho her faith is very cemented and the beliefs surrounding that as well. For example, they don't agree homosexuality is God's plan for people, but they know they're in the minority these days. I don't think she approves of people living together before marriage, but again, she realizes it's what people do. I don't think her own children grow up that way because they all mostly follow along the same religious path and she tells me they're all successful and happy. And then there's a moment when I think she thinks the most obvious loss to her, the lack of God in my life, has lead to my sense of feeling lost altogether. She never said that.. it was just a look.. and we both let it go.

When it was time to leave, I remembered I needed a picture. The woman, I kid you not, BOLTED, for her lipstick and said she had to get it. Her husband started to protest and I just shook my head and said, 'No, really, it's fine.. I completely understand,' having done that oh, a thousand times myself before a picture. We may look younger than our years, but we are a tad vain. It's so funny what turns out to be inherited behaviors..

I went back the next morning before I had lunch with my family just to chat a bit more and talk about the possibilities. We'd both really let it settle in, this idea of starting a slow relationship of getting to know one another. She said she was overwhelmed and emotional about it, but she seemed pretty calm and collected. I'm not often that way when I'm emotional so there are certainly bits I wonder about getting from my father or maybe more my grandmother.. but it was good to be back there again, even if only for a short visit.

We traded emails and numbers and I recommended a book she should read, The History Of Love. I told her I'd send her the link. My other favorite, David Sedaris, is probably not her style.. in the slightest.. so I thought this was one she could share with me for it's endlessly gorgeous writing and she'd like the mystery that unravels til the twist is revealed at the end. It's seriously the most beautiful book I've ever read.

We hugged. She blessed me (not kidding). There was lots of looking into the big eyes we share and trying not to cry, but just feeling the happy of that moment. Knowing the search is over. It's huge. She's in my life.. where I always hoped she'd be. It's such an incredible gift.

So.. that's that. We're staying in touch and so far, so good. I'm looking forward to the possibilities.

I actually just sent her that book tonight. I really hope she likes it.

Falling Off The Wagon

2010-04-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

So my lovelies.. this won't be a long post. I just wanted to update you quickly that things have gone by the wayside as it were - keeping up with my favorite bloggers, my writing of my own blog, hell, getting to the gym this last week or so has been impossible with the meeting of the bio mom, Passover fun and this really annoying house guest of a head cold that hit me last Thursday and is still clinging on for free rent today. I think it's on its way out tho, if I have anything to say about it that is..

BUT - don't give up hope! At least not where the blogging is concerned. Finding me a job? Well, that's another craptastic story because I still don't have one and lately, it's getting more and more discouraging that you can't even wash dishes without sending in a resumé that you have experience doing so. Pffft..

I'm just trying to get everything done around here. I might've mentioned I'm currently stage managing a show and we go into our last weekend coming up but they begged me to stage manage the next one as well after the current SM had to step into a part unexpectedly due to one of the actors getting seriously hurt when part of a downtown building fell on him and two other people last Friday. He was hit on the head as the news article says.. but they missed the rest which included 16 (SIXTEEN, people!) other broken bones and is still in the hospital. Miraculously, he won't need surgery and is going to be fine. I'd say the building owner won't be so lucky. Buildings are NOT supposed to just FALL DOWN ON PEOPLE. No. No they are not.

So as I sit here trying to type something quick, I'm neglecting revising my resumé for a server position and things like personal hygiene. I mean, a shower today would be a good idea I think and then I'm headed to the neighbor's house to do some light cleaning and take her ~~demon~~ dog to the park even tho I still feel a bit like death warmed over, but at least I can breathe thru my nose now. Stupid cold.

There's lots to talk about.. new boys, the mom saga, an idea in the making.. and things are looking up.. mostly. The only problem is the unemployment that's getting close to being oh-so scary because I don't have the funds for this to go on much longer even tho I'm appealing the benefits denial. Everything of that nature seems to be that uphill battle scenario and thinking positively is difficult. I'm doing what I can tho and keeping everything crossed, sending word out to the universe and hoping the right thing is almost here. I'm sure a few more good thoughts sent my way wouldn't hurt if you have any extra to spare.

More soon, kittens..

This Is It!

2010-03-22T14:47:00.001-07:00

She called. It's really her..

She's as happy and overwhelmed as I am.

I'm driving down to Portland to see her tomorrow night.

I don't have any waterproof mascara.. damn.

More to come my pretties. This is truly a monumental occasion. As soon as I'm able to find words after my first meeting with her, you'll all hear the story.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. You helped give me the courage to go thru with this and this is.. everything..

Mwah!

Music Share: Win!

2010-03-22T00:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm on this iTunes sharing kick.. and wow.. this is going to be challenging because already at the b's, I have a lot of favorites. So I'll just get going (I'm leaving out the album because hi, y'all have the interweb and your search engines aren't broken..)..

B's

Baby I Love You - Aretha Franklin: Because hi. The woman can sing. Duh. This is a classic.

Baby, It's Cold Outside - I personally love Dean Martin's voice, but my favorite version is from the movie, Elf, because Zooey Deschanel's voice is so dreamy.. I fully covet it. It's my favorite holiday song.

Baby's Got Sauce - G. Love & Special Sauce: This song always makes me think of second boyfriend in Seattle, Anthony - now not so much into monogamy, but I got him well before that. Never had Movie Love before I met him. We still sing this song to each other and smile.

Back Together - Citizen Cope: You'd think I listened to a lot of this guy, but I really don't. Til I alphabetized, I didn't realize I dug so much of his music. The beginning of this sounds straight out of something by Love & Rockets. Yeah, um.. you young'ns won't know who they are..

Backbone - The Tremens: When I met my friend Fatima, I met her rockstar boyfriend at the time and I started dating his drummer, Curtis. Curtis and I were short-lived, but I still have fond memories. He was in this band prior to Fatima's boyfriend's band, Dorkweed, and this was their only cd, Lipsicate. Fuckin great song. It's not on iTunes, so if you want to hear lyrics as great as 'It's in your backbone, I'm singing sha la la, puttin' butter on your scone', email me and I'll send you a copy. You won't be sorry.

Backfire - Aimee Mann: Anthony and I were really into her a few years ago and I still think Bachelor #2 is one of her best cd's. This is just a catchy little thing. She's also married to Michael Penn, brother to Chris and Sean Penn, and who I saw in a small club in Portland in high school and who still is awesome in his own right. So.

Bad Romance - Lady Gaga: Ok, sure, this is just guilty pleasure pop, but the woman not only can play piano gorgeously, but her voice is kick ass.

Baker Baker - Tori Amos: One of the most touching and lovely songs she ever sang I think.

Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson: I love me some sexy man voice and a guitar. Nothin. Hotter. Plus? He's just singing to his love a happy song about pancakes. Hello?! Awesome.

Bathwater - No Doubt: Ah the days before Gwen was solo. She rocks now, but she always did.

Battle of Who Could Care Less - Ben Folds Five: Saw them open for Counting Crows. Let's just say they were much better than the headliners. He took off his belt and played the piano with it. And even the name is a crack up. They were only three guys. Way to buck the norm, Ben.

Be The One - The Ting Tings: Just fun. They got me thru last summer, in a loud way.

Beautiful Dirty Rich - Lady Gaga: I know, I know. Another. Pfft. You try not to like her.

Because - The Beatles: Just love the fullness and harmonies.

Because I Told You So - Jonatha Brooke: The version from her Live album is much more raw but she's by far one of my favorite singer/songwriters. Her voice is like butter and I'm so jealous of how she writes music. This song is bittersweet and embodies so many endings of my relationships.

Behind The Wheel - Depeche Mode: A classic and I was at this concert too.. also probably in high school. God love Dave Gahan and all his angsty gorgeousness.

Belief - John Mayer: This boy needs a PR rep like nobody's business so he stops putting his foot in his mouth, but before that and still really, he can play guitar like.. damn. I love the second verse.

Belle - Jack Johnson: Less than two minutes, few lyrics, and I'm instantly in Paris as soon as it begins.. ahh.

Beta Boy - Misstress Barbara: Just kick ass electronic. Plus, this woman doesn't mess around. I saw her spin years ago at an enormous rave a friend threw. MB demanded a few things including a room at the W Hotel, 12 bottles of her favorite beer on ice, and four hours to spin. She wasn't getting four hours regardless, only two, but her set? Fucking phenomenal.

Better After All - Jonatha Brooke: Might be bordering on that AC (adult contemporary) label, but there's just something about her I love.

Better Together - Jack Johnson: Weird.. there sure are a lot of B songs by J named people here. This is in the same vein as Banana Pancakes for me.. sweet, lovely, and I want someone with a sexy voice and a guitar to write and sing me a song like this.

Better Version Of Me - Fiona Apple: Love her, love her voice, love everything she does. I have no idea what she's singing about thru most of the song, but it ends with the title and it's sometimes my motto for the day.. Here's coming a better version of me..

Between Sheets - Imogen Heap: I love the way she sings 'absolute bliss'.. and I want some.

Between The Bars - Elliott Smith: More Good Will Hunting. He put out some good stuff then.

Between The Lines - Sarah Bareilles: She has an honest voice I gravitate to, plus she plays piano beautifully.. This one is simple, a little pop, but touching.

Big Lie, Small World - Sting: My friend Sharon and I have an obsession with this man. This song could border on boring, but try to count it.. it's not in 4/4 time.. he does that a lot and I have no clue how. Plus the lyrics are all about a break up letter and this whole comic adventure trying to get it back.

Big Time - Peter Gabriel: He's just kind of a genius. And this video was amazing at the time.

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order: God love the 80's, I mean, I don't know if the song itself is happy, but hearing it always makes me feel that way. Love the lyrics, love the feel, and it never gets old.

Black Celebration - Depeche Mode: Ahh.. a classic.

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall: This song was her big break out. Still one of her best tho not sure what the hell she's singing about, but saw her play it live, she looped all the backgrounds on her the thing she calls the wee bastard and her voice fuckin rocks.

Blackbird - The Beatles: I like Sarah McLachlan's version because it's terribly lovely and slower than the original, which I think it needed.

Bleu - Mark Farina: One of my favorite dj's. Nerdy as all get out, but he knows what he's doing.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice: Always a haunting type of guy, but this song made even more so used at the end of the movie Closer for some reason.. I love the strings in it.

Blue Monday - New Order: My other favorite of theirs.. So so high school. In a good way.

Blue Skies - Landon Pigg: Wrote Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop. I'm a sucker for boys who write girly lyrics and sound all broken about it.. sort of like Joshua Radin.

Bombo - Orishas: Spanish and sometimes French hip-hop.. love it.

Bottle It Up - Sarah Bareilles: A little more poppy and radio-friendly, but whatever. I like her.

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson: Her voice is perfect and I've missed listening to her for oh, eight months or so because The Boy introduced me to her music.. but she's lovely and girly. Love her.

Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick: Completely over-played, but still her best song.

Breathe - Telepopmusik: Probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I relax every nerve in my body when I hear it and I've really needed that lately.

Breathe In - Frou Frou: Who Imogen Heap was before she was solo I assume. Groovy.

Breathe Me (Mylo Remix) - Sia: Don't have anything else by her, but I love this version of this song.

Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung: Seriously one of the most perfect love songs ever.

Brown Derby Jump - Cherry Poppin' Daddies: Anthony and I cut quite a rug when swing was popular. Saw them in college and they were a good and sexy dirty too. Didn't know how to swing dance then, but, I went not too long ago and couldn't remember a damn thing.

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat: Sickeningly sweet, sure.. but when I'm in love, it's fuckin adorable, ok? Pffft.. you don't know.

Bulletproof - Rilo Kiley: Random and cute.

Burrito - Pete Yorn: He opened for the Foo Fighters once and he's awesome in his own right but still sort of obscure-ish. Not sure why. Any song combining burritos and love should rock.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - Indigo Girls: A political statement, one of many they're known for making, but I love my lesbian folk rock chics.

Buster Voodoo - Rodrigo y Gabriela: If you don't know who they are, find out. Just guitar and kick ass at that. The cd never does them justice because live, they're fucking phenomenal. Look them up on youtube and find out yourself. Trust me.

But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode: So 80's, but probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. Always makes me happy.

Butterflies & Hurricanes - Muse: If I could marry a voice, this man's is one I'd choose. He kills.. Plus the level of music they create is crazy genius. Listen to the classical piano solo mid-song. Makes you go 'Wtf?' but also, 'Do it again!'

Ok. Bed. Now. Zzz.

Set Backs Could Stop.. Anytime Now.. Thanks

2010-03-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

There's a bunch of positive energy going around and you'd think karma might kick in and I'm still holding out hope it will.. but as it always goes, sometimes there's just another shoe waiting to drop or someone else waiting to kick you down as you try to get up. So on the same day I reached someone at the house of the woman who might be my birth mother (not her), I also got the letter from Employment Security saying they backed my former employer and are denying my unemployment benefits.

One step forward.. knocked two back.

Sigh. I need a job.

I may hear next week regarding one that I have to admit I'm holding my breath for.. The timing would be great and I think it's a position that's not only in the field in which I have experience, but one I could really sink my teeth into. I let them know I reached this epiphany without saying exactly why, but they've also worked with me in the past being a vendor of my last employer so they know how I fight for my clients and this could be an advantage to them. I'm really crossing everything possible and whatever god is out there, collective energy of souls.. I hope they hear my prayers.

So this morning was gorgeous, in the upper 50's and headed to mid-60's they say. I had my coffee, was awake enough and thought.. ok, let's do this. I dialed Carmen's number again. This time her husband answered and I almost couldn't breathe. It was an awkward conversation trying not to give away too much and also not seem predatory. She just returned home from the hospital last night after undergoing surgery. He said she was resting and asked if it could wait a couple of weeks, asked if I was an old friend from school and I said, "Um.. no, not from school, she doesn't know me.. I'm more.. a relative. But I've been looking for her for a while so I can wait a while longer to make sure she's the right person, no problem.." He sounded a little less guarded knowing I wasn't a collector or telemarketer maybe, but he was protective. I was so close.. but I'll call again next Saturday. I'm not giving up now.

************************

To distract myself - and possibly you, my dear readers, I've taken the iTunes off of shuffle as someone else's idea made me reorganize alphabetically by song. Ingenious, I thought, and I'm making myself go thru the whole thing til I've hit the end. I'm only into the B's and I've been listening for a couple of weeks. I have to say, I have a great collection I'm happy with and thought sporadically, I'd share the best with you. Keep in mind I like a variety of things - pop, dance/techno from my raver days, really good damn rock, 80's from growing up because.. helloo.. I'm old, people, some things you might call adult contemporary a.k.a slow, mellow, borrrring to some maybe but whatever, and singer/songwriter types some of which are good for chilly Sunday nights or broken hearts or pms days with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. I also like things that sound different, am a musical theater soundtrack whore and have some classical mixed in.. so if you care, search them all up and take a listen. I know I'm such a trendsetter that you'd all follow me in a heartbeat (Ha! As if! Hi last person EVER to get a dvd player/cell phone/rollerblades and see Avatar), but don't blame me if you spend a zillion dollars downloading from iTunes and I'm too quirky or lame for your personal taste. I won't be offended. Seriously. My gift to you.

A's

Again Again - Lady Gaga/The Fame - She seriously has an amazing voice here.

Aha! - Imogen Heap/Ellipse - I love the sound of this one.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - Bill Withers/Greatest Hits - My ex, Ali, put this on his voicemail when we dated years ago so when I would call, I would hear it and know he was thinking of me. God love that man.

All Dressed Up - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - Just feels good.

All My Life - Foo Fighters/One By One - Just a great rock song and one of the best concerts I've ever seen in my life. Dave Grohl is just hot in my opinion.

All These Things That I've Done - The Killers/Hot Fuss - Any song with a choir in the background should royally kick ass and this one does.

All My Loving - The Beatles (tho the version I have is from the movie, Across The Universe sung by Jim Sturgess, but we'll just say the original is damn catchy.

All You Need Is Love - The Beatles - This truly is a timeless song for me..

Angel - Jack Johnson/Sleep Through The Static - I put this on a cd for The Boy - it doesn't hurt as much anymore.. and he wondered why he didn't find it for me, but it's still a perfect song.

Angel On My Shoulder - Kaskade/Strobelight Seduction - Love most everything Kaskade spins. The gays of our lives and I saw him live not too long ago and danced our asses off.

Angel's Heap - The Finn Brothers/Finn - I love Neil Finn, formerly of Crowded House, a lot. He writes amazing lyrics. His brother, Tim, sang with him on this album, who also doesn't suck.

Angeles - Elliott Smith/Good Will Hunting Soundtrack - Just another good one.

Anything I'm Not - Lenka/Lenka - This girl is just cute all over. I like the way she writes.

Apres Moi - Regina Spektor/Begin To Hope - This song makes me think of big Russians for some reason.. but I love it. Totally different.

Ashes - KT Tunstall/KT Tunstalls' Acoustic Extravaganza - Almost country, not quite, but I love the cussing in this one.

Astair - Matt Costa/Songs We Sing - Discovered him while dating The Boy and he's addicting.

Atlantic - Keane/Under The Iron Sea - I liked the album before this, but didn't love them til this one. Just find this one moving.

Au Pays De Gandhi - MC Solaar/Mach 6 - French rapping. What else could you possibly want?

Australia - The Shins/Wincing The Night Away - The very beginning you can barely hear they say 'Time to put the earphones on' in this very almost bossy German voice and this teeny tiny little girl's voice says emphatically, 'NO!' It's just awesome.

Awe - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - This guy just kinda grooves. I love it. And there's horns in it.

Ok - off to the gym to work out this strange day. Love to you, kittens!

Questions.. For Someone.. People Maybe..

2010-03-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

I called.

Mom, Gram, all y'all told me to. So I did. Two days ago. In the middle of the afternoon. She should be 69 so.. why wasn't she home? Lunch special at Sizzler? Wtf? And um.. she didn't call back. So my guess is.. she won't? Yeah.. something like that.

What makes her different from the last lame guy?

Well.. besides the obvious.. yes, but.. still..

These might be the thoughts I've had since the moment I hung up the phone after leaving a voicemail with just my basic info and for her to call me back (because yeah.. that would make anyone call back.. a complete stranger.. not asking for anything with much specificity AT ALL.. right, I'd be right on that immediately):

* Crap. I just left the woman who could be my birth mother a voicemail.

* She hasn't gone by her maiden name since 1974. So to have someone ask for her, the her whose maiden name might be Chavez, might turn on a light/clue her in/cause anxiety she hasn't felt in 38 years.

* Seriously.. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL?! AM I INSANE?! Gah.. Don't answer that.

* She left the Bay Area around three months pregnant - probably before she was showing much - and I know she couldn't be in the relationship with whomever my father was.. but maybe she left without telling him.. about the not showing yet.. about me.

* Uh.. yeah.. why is that thought JUST NOW occurring to me? Wow.. could she have.. ? Really?

Until about 10 years ago, she was the only person I was looking for. I assumed she was probably around 17 and in 'trouble' at the time. And then I sent away for my pre-adoption record and she was 30. That changed the perspective. At 17, it's a necessity. But at 30? That's a significant decision. So I just assumed they made the choice together, broke off their relationship for whatever reason (he was married to a woman.. or to God maybe - really, it's possibly an insanely good scandal) and that was that. But what if she never told him and therefore he wasn't part of that choice..?

Eeesh..

These are just the inner-workings of my overactive thinking.. questions going 'round my head like.. why are there so many damn buttons and clasps on business pants? Seriously.. it's like getting into/out of Fort Knox when you have to pee.. wtf? Also does anyone else like The Marriage Ref like I do? Holy crap! The guests tonight were Larry David, Madonna and Ricky Gervais. High-larious. Also also? Saw Alice In Wonderland tonight and maybe remembered a couple of important points about it: a) It was one of my favorite stories ever as a child and I should re-read it and b) there was no dancing in it. None. I mean, I'm pretty sure. So I'm all for free reign with the artistic license and whatnot - because it was a 98% perfect movie - EXCEPT for the dancing. Two moments. Two very awkward moments. Tim. I ask you. Why? Seriously.. don't you people screen that stuff? Just saying. Two percent under perfection. Are you happy now? Had to have your dancing, didn't you? Pffft..

Also, I'm still feeling the caution pictures. They most accurately represent this risk-taking, and apparently the possible decapitating (of sorts) venture of mine.

Also also? I've been on that teeter-totter at Burning Man. Seriously scary and fun. Except more the former and less the latter.. but hellloo.. TEETER-TOTTER OF DEATH! As if you see THAT every day, right? I mean, I'm right, aren't I?

Lost & Found

2010-03-09T02:30:00.000-08:00

When I was about six or seven, my parents told me I was adopted. For a while, when I would meet new friends, I told this story with a matter-of-fact sort of distance. I remember saying, '.. and those people adopted me,' like they were kind strangers I toddled right up to and noticing I had no actual parents and I was brand new to the world, it was a logical decision to take me in. In fact, being nothing like that, of course it was a loving decision and they very much wanted me. But knowing that much also means that someone else did not.

Enter in: Abandonment complex.

However subconscious that is, it's there. Possibly heightened by those parents who loved me so much, but didn't know how to always show it correctly because they were so messed up themselves and thus all my failure buttons were created. My demons in a nutshell: Do something right and people stick around. Fail for whatever reason - mostly, by being yourself - and they don't - but it was because you're stupid, an airhead, or worthless anyway. Translate that to keeping friends or lovers and they can disappear because they have no obligation to stay like my parents. So when I say I want to make a t-shirt that says, "Without me, it'd just be 'aweso' ", sure, I seem to have a healthy ego, but I think sometimes I toot that horn that loudly because I have to make sure I hear it myself.

So the dating. Yeah.. it was going ok. I mean, I'm doing it. Usually first dates only. I don't know how many of you darling four readers are single, if any of you, but I've honed some skills - one being to know if I'm drawn to someone in the first few minutes. Some I'd even say seconds.. it's really quick. These are online sorts of things of course where there's no time to build up anything remotely friendly before you're sharing a table, a couple of drinks and small talk. I'd known The Boy for two months and worked along side him in his theatre before my first meeting with him as part of the company where we both noticed a real spark we thought could become more. But it's not impossible to have a lasting connection with someone brand new right away - it just doesn't happen that often.

But, when it does..? I might get excited about it. I might be sort of girly about it, giggly even when it goes so well I don't want to leave.. or when he wants to make me dinner the next night.. or we kiss after what I thought was a near perfect evening and it was more than awesome. And I might be inclined to check in a couple of days later and say 'hey, how are things,' all breezy of course - because apparently, breezy is part of the game. And tho he responded only to answer the question - I should've read that as.. hm.. he didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask to see me again and despite the 20 minute make out that was fantastic, thank you very much, too bad - done and done. But do I think that? Duh.. no. I think it's fine. He asked me out, he made dinner so I might've gone ahead and asked if there was any room in his schedule to hang next week. And when there was no answer to that question for TWO DAYS, I might've completely over-thought it, texted him again and said I must've misread his interest, was glad to have met, thanks for having me over, hope he was enjoying the sunny day - and according to everyone, EXCEPT my best gay boyfriend EVER, Loren, who I know now always has my back (seriously, if you don't have a best gay boyfriend.. dear God.. get one), that's when I crossed the line into Crazytown.

1. I don't think it was crazy.

2. Crazy is a really rash term.. hello.. NOT crazy over here. And it's just kind of mean.

3. Online Boy and I share the same birthday and are similar people (and by that I DON'T mean THE SAME or that he MUST be my soulmate for chrissakes) but he tells it like it is, like I do.. so yeah, it surprised me when instead of being direct and saying, 'Hey, had a nice time, didn't feel a connection (despite said makeout - whatever), but thanks,' or something to that effect, he is Completely. Silent. And heretofore: a jackass.

4. Why am I still shocked men do this shit?

5. Seriously - I'm not fucking crazy.

6. I'm actually a great person to date and I rock as a girlfriend.

7. So there.

8. I liked the jackass.

Ugh.

Tho I had his answer when he didn't get back to me in the first place, I stand by the fact that I was only communicating and there's nothing wrong with that. I might've done it in the wrong way, but communication is something that makes you an adult. This isn't the movie Swingers, people. Who the fuck is waiting for six days to call their 'babies'? If they are, they're not worth you're time because THAT'S STUPID. I'm not saying stalk people, but don't blow a girl off. That's just rude.

Am I impatient? Sure.. I liked him. We had great conversation, we're both in theatre, we knew some of the same people and I thought there was a spark for sure. But here's where my demon steps in and I start thinking I said or did something wrong, I showed my hand too soon, it was too obvious I liked him.. Pffft - whatever. I'm sorry - I never read The Rules. I don't know how to pretend I don't like someone when I do. And truly, if he liked me at all, it wouldn't have mattered what I said and he would've responded because all of this dating stuff makes everyone nervous - we're human. It's hard to be vulnerable. Cut a girl some slack, ok? Fuck.

I know, I know.. I'm 42 cats shy of being Bitter Old Cat Lady. Fine.

Next built-in, self-fulling, I-could-screw-this-up prophecy story:

Around the holidays, a tv show called Find My Family began that reuinted lost family members, adoptees, etc. From the creators of Extreme Home Make-Over, it was sure to be another exploitive primetime tear-jerker. But, having been looking for my birth mother for close to 10 years now, the possibilities were intriguing. The network did all the research and the approaching to see if the lost wanted to be found, reunions were set up and many tears were had. I had no desire to be on tv. I just wanted to find her. I even went as far to fill out the application - and I think I have a pretty compelling situation surrounding my adoption that would make it a good story - but I never got around to sending it in and the show seems to be off the air now.

This week there was another show starring celebrities this time that traces back their genealogy and it made me think, like I often have, that I can't do that. My brother traced back my adoptive family, but it's not my story. His roots are German, Irish and Scottish. I was jealous when he did that because it's not something I can do. He knows his story, he knows where he gets his ability to draw (Mom) and his temper and tone-deaf ear (Dad). He's the spitting image of Dad and he even has his voice. I know not all blood-related families share heaps of similarities, but the only resemblances to my family I came away with are behavioral - and as discussed - rather dysfunctional.

I got online and googled Find My Family again. I don't know why really - but I found a registry unrelated to the show, registered with the info I had and a couple of hours later, the woman who runs the site emailed me saying she found a marriage certificate that seemed to match who I was looking for. I've written her three times now (yes, yes, we know I'm an over-communicator, that's been established, thank you) asking questions with no response from her, so I contacted J for her opinion.

J found me some years ago thanks to another online adoption registry while she was also looking for my birth mother. They were friends in college and the fact she knew I was Carmen's daughter literally took my breath away. Intermittently, both of us have put in effort here and there to get more detail, but we found nothing terribly conclusive. And tho we've probably been connected for a few years now, we'd never actually spoken on the phone until yesterday. She sounds like I thought she would - warm and kind and most importantly, supportive of this need of mine to find her. And now with this new marriage record, we had a real lead.

We spent over an hour on the phone, hitting the internet from each side til we thought not only could we support the record I received might be the right person, the right age, the right details, but that she actually lives in Portland, Oregon - just three hours away - with her husband (who's 10 years younger by the way - hellooo - sound like anyone you know?!). And, one of the best things ever - they had a daughter in 1976, which means I could have a sister. And there in black and white was her phone number clearly listed as well.

I told Mom today who agrees with J that I should just call. And here's where I'm erring on the side of caution for once. I think J should call. She can soften the blow of I'M YOUR DAUGHTER by distracting her with long lost friend news and then a casual, oh hey, while trying to find you, I found someone else first who really wants to meet you.. and then I can drop the I'M YOUR DAUGHTER bomb because then she'll have decided, yes, she does want to meet me after digesting the idea. I think this is a good plan. J's argument is that it's time. Surprisingly simple, right? I'm not sure if that sounds more like the thru line in a sappy tv show or what, but she says it so calmly, I kind of want to believe that's enough to think this could work. Yes, I can make the call and we'll all have a happy reunion and go out to brunch or something.. and then I wake up and realize, this isn't tv and people have a tendency of freaking the fuck out when you deliver CRAZY news like, hello, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption 38 years ago.. how are you? Yeah.. seems a little rash to me.. but what do I know?

If you can't tell, and I'm sure you can, I'm sort of freaking out. This is a big deal. It's freakin huge, ok? And people don't get it, which is a bummer. I just can't explain it to them because they know what it's like to have a family connection. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my family and all our flaws. Mom will always ALWAYS be my mom. But my birth mom is MY story and I want to discover her. She holds keys to my identity that I don't have. It won't change who I am.. not inherently. I know who I am with or without her - but will it change everything if she's willing to open her life to me? Absolutely. How could it not?

And there's the possibility.. well.. that she could also say no. And here I am again, getting excited, but trying not to get my hopes up.. because it matters if she picks up or doesn't return my call. This isn't a guy not worth the price of the lipgloss I put on.. this could be my mother. There's only one of her. And that changes the whole game.

Needed: Just A Little Luck

2010-03-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

So my pretties.. it's shocking that I've been even too busy to write these days. Looking for work is a full-time job itself. There's also some good time spent with friends, working on oneself internally as well as externally, and maybe a little dating here and there, which has all proven to be really positive. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty discouraged there for a while and certainly, the financial sitch keeps me motivated, but there seems to be a bit of good karma finally coming my way and without taking it for granted, I've noticed smiling has become more frequent and my head isn't too heavy to hold up these days. It's a nice change.

I also may have started the first season of Dexter because I thought as the last person on the planet who hasn't seen the show, it might be best to find out what everyone was talking about. And Oh. My. God. Did you guys start having dreams about it once you found out who the real Ice Truck Killer was?! I mean, I was trying to tell Dexter, finding, of course, as you do in dreams, that you have no voice and can't remember what you wanted to say, but played out most of a creepy episode created by my subconscious. Upon waking up, felt slightly disturbed, but I can't wait to watch the next episode.

So I'm keeping busy, throwing out the optimistic vibes to the Universe and hoping it responds favorably really soon - even if it did let me down in the US vs Canada hockey game, but the trash talking over texts with my Canuck friends while it was going on was totally worth it.

I'm also putting out creative energy into another direction and auditioning for a band this Saturday. It's something like 60's retro-pop sort of stuff and I really dig it. I love theater, but producing it can make you think that's all there is when there are other ways I can generate art and shine in my own light.. one where I'm a lot more sure of my own abilities. Color me extremely excited!

Anyway, I haven't died or jumped in front of a passing bus yet. Life hasn't become that dire, thank God.. but please cross all your fingers/toes/extra digits for me, if you wouldn't mind.. (primarily for the second interview I think went uber well today and hoping they short-list me or just plain offer me the job - pleasepleaseplease!) or send wine.. or money.. or wine covered in money? Whatever. Neither would hurt.

Off to continue to take on the world yet again!

A Belated Valentine's Day List

2010-02-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

Because Valentine's was just another day, I made a list. I love love. I do. I don't hold anything against the couples who can't contain their affections because I've been there.. tho it seems like a long time ago now, but I would be fully disgustingly gushing if I was in love. Tho it's over-marketed, the world can always use more love, in my opinion. So there's no boyfriend this year. Meh. So what? I have so many other people - friends, family and a pudgy kitty that mean the world to me. I mean, ok, if there's no boyfriend by next year, sure.. I might start making one up, but til then..

A List for Valentine's (a day late):

* Even on a dark and rainy day in the last couple of weeks, the one song that always manages to bring a smile to my face is the theme song to The Office. It's the ringtone for my text messages. How can one be sad hearing that song? One can't. Try it. I challenge you.

* Have you ever just hit shuffle on your entire iTunes library? I just did while getting ready to go out. I didn't realize how much awesome music I have. And how awesome I am. I'm just saying.

* On that note, I heard some great music at a restaurant this weekend and asked the waitress about it who said she'd be happy to burn me a cd. I thought it was so nice that I decided to make her one too.. you know.. thinking it was a positive thing. Actually, saying it outloud sounds kind of stalkery now. Hopefully she won't think I'm trying to hit on her when I drop it off and will realize I'm just spreading the nice..

* The painting of the kitchen that is taking a KAJILLION years is almost done! Seriously! And it's looking sooo good! I only have like a 6 x 7 space left, but it's all about committing to it because the oven has to come out each time. That doesn't sound like much but, dude.. it's a small space. Come over if you don't believe me. I've got an extra brush.

* And I would've finished it this weekend, but I discovered Dead Like Me. A short-lived Showtime series that's.. hellooo?? Awesome. Take the gratuitous cussing out and it could've been on mainstream tv so I'm sad for it because it's smart and original and I have this thing about death and God and all that.. so it fully suits me. Halfway thru the season and I think I've made more progress on the show than the last bit of painting I have yet to do. I can't help it. It's addicting.

* Now that I think about it.. can I drop that cd off for the waitress and not have her think I'm a stalker? I mean.. I'll still do it.. but tell me, would you think it's just good karma coming back if someone of the same sex did that for you? Hm.. get back to me on that.

* Hellooo.. can you say Olympics? The US already has 7 medals and I'm pretty excited to see Apollo Ohno try to get more today. NBC insists on delaying most of the live coverage for evening timeframes which is my only grievance. I've found I do love being a complete girl and fawning over the ice skating, but the half-pipe snowboard stuff is pretty damn cool too. The opening ceremonies had a lot to make fun of (I mean, seriously KD Lang - really? Hallelujah? Does that scream 'olympic feeling' to you? Not to mention the two Canadian icons, Anne Murray and Bryan Adams, who South Park loves to mock, had to be present as well. The latter writing and singing one of the most boring songs ever with Nelly Furtado, a very pretty girl, but from the shoulders down looked like a drag prom date.), but they also felt inspiring and creative. If you're going to put on a show like that, Vancouver is filled with amazing visual and technical artists - because hi - did you SEE those whales?! So cool right?!

* Kario and my nieces came over today to bathe me in love and lunch. They are always a joy to have around and my nieces are turning out to be quite the characters. I may not be the richest or best auntie they have, but I love my best friend who's always there for me and my girls who've been part of my life since the day they were born. I'm chillin with them all weekend and I just have to make sure they are tattoo and piercing free when I hand them back to their parents.

* My mom actually has more dates these days than I do. She's seeing TWO guys apparently. The effect romance has on her always bleeds over into good things for me. She seems quite a bit happier and I'm relieved because she's less lonely. She even called this morning to reassure me if my work situation isn't resolved soon, that she'll help me figure things out financially. It took her a couple of weeks, but she offered that on her own. She knows I'm not a failure and tho she doesn't expressly say that directly, I know she realizes this is hard for me. It felt good to know I could count on her without asking. She was just being a good mom and it kind of overwhelmed me with love this morning.

* The Universe is being a little fickle but I'm trying to maintain patience that She'll come around my direction. There's a possible interview with another telecom, but they haven't confirmed when yet and another set for Wednesday with a placement firm for contract work. Regardless, I'm mentally preparing, thinking only of past mistakes as stepping stones to making me a better person all around and asking Ms. Universe to bring me only positive opportunities. As my acting teacher used to tell me, all I can do is give my gift. I just have to believe I have one to give.

* Since I haven't gone to bed yet even tho it's after 3am, I'm going to count this last entry for Monday - but I think I finally finished painting the damn kitchen! Like just now! Can you say it with me??! YAY!

And yeah, I'm going to end there because a girl's gotta go out on a high note.. or go to sleep on one. Either way.

Happy belated Valentine's kittens.. I hope you were all appropriately adored. Mwah!

Making [A New] History

2010-01-12T22:36:00.000-08:00

Part of the reason I enjoyed writing about my trip to Barcelona (which, by the way.. STILL not done and I haven't even gotten to the part about missing my homebound plane! Sigh..) is because I had stuff to write about. I mean, a whole trip! Like 11 days of walking and site seeing and taking in really really old stuff. Picasso and churches and street performers and people from all over the world.. It was an adventure. My adventure. And my first one completely solo at that. Also? I wrote it all down while I was there so when I came back? Instant blog posts. Score! I knew what I would write about because I had pages filled with a kajillion words of introspective crap and all these very interesting observations about everything that make me sound so.. well.. observant. I mean, that's what you're doing when you're people-watching at bars. And drinking a lot. You think you're much cooler than you are. All Jack Kerouac and Anaïs Nin or something.. Very poet-y, but minus the cigarettes and threesomes and really more wide-eyed innocence than anything else. Ok.. I wasn't so innocent. Fine.

I could be someone no one knew over there.. tho, yes, the American amidst more worldly ex-pats, but still, I was among them and I could glean and take it in all spongy like. It was sexy, it was fun, it was spontaneous and unknown.. and also, kind of lonely. But, when I was alone, I tried to be ok in the alone-ness and it's easier when you can sort of blend into the scenery.. even if you stand out like a tourist. I was in a tourist city so no one cared.. and tho at times, I was still intimidated and nervous about being completely on my own for so long, I had no one to answer to, could dally for hours if I wanted to just breathing in the smell of a 12th century church and wondering if God existed because the history of it all just ached of possibility.

And I talked to strangers, made some friends, but my little journal - that was actually a recipe notebook I found out later.. um.. yeah.. I suggest knowing a teensy wee bit of Spanish if you take a trip to SPAIN.. hellooo.. I'm just saying - was my outlet. And please - my handwriting? Ouch. So bad. I used to have really pretty handwriting. More than that, I used to LOVE writing itself. It was so therapeutic and I'd write for hours in my diary when I was younger, I'd write angsty poetry (hey, some of it was pretty good) til my hand cramped. But I didn't bring my laptop to Barcelona because I didn't want it stolen or have it weigh me down and tho typing feels clearer for my thoughts, is a lot faster and allows me to edit more cleanly, the journal was all I had. I only needed a pen and I could be in a bar where I knew no one and still have something to keep me occupied and would exercise my brain.

It's different being back home now. I probably have one more extra long post about Spain before I'm done, but the holidays came up, things got in the way of finishing.. and there isn't so much adventure. Trying to figure out why I'm still healing a broken heart after close to nine months is a mystery - or just a confirmation of how deeply I loved him. While worldly travels and those I met doing that distracted me for a bit, coming home and living the day to day only shined a light on how much direction I still need. What do I do with my life? Why is work so stressful? Another theater seems interesting, so do I join their company when they ask? Why can't I drive down the street his theater is on? Ever? Why is he constantly in my thoughts? Finally - someone interesting.. rush rush rush.. have friend talk. He changes his mind. Yo-yo's between the two. Definitely just friends. No.. he wants more. Email saying otherwise. Done and done. Jackass (him). Idiot (me). Silence (everyone). Angry. Bitter. Sad.

Miss him again. The magic one. The one who said yes when asked if he loved me.. and yes, he promised..

Maybe cry..

Start over tomorrow..

Birthday for a girlfriend. Visit Cayenne and her new baby girl. Push myself at the gym. Second first date with someone from the past. Casual. Have fun. Kiss. Movie plans with gay boyfriend. Baby shower for another friend. Theater meeting.

Continue to move forward.

Have some adventures here. Make a new history.

Sigh.. this is hard work.

For Brandy

2010-01-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

As mentioned yesterday, I found these amazing new female bloggers and a whole new writing world opened up. I knew there were more out there and that I had much to learn about the perfectly written blog post. The written word is something I'm incredibly fascinated by and I wish I could put a sentence together like some of the new writers to which I've now linked. I'll still make up words and deny the ellipse three dots and make it only two because I think it looks better and is more to the point of what an ellipse stands for, BUT my point (and I know, I'm getting to it!) is maybe these writers will help me increase the possibility of ending sentences rather than running them on and on - not to mention assist in increasing my vocabulary and my own awesomeness. Last year left my ego in a bit of a shambles so I could certainly use a boost. That'd be a bonus. And when done with this post, I suggest you head on over to the links on the right and check them out.

Now, my self-absorbed-ness aside - thru these women, I found another blog that truly moved me. She sent out a request to her own internet community and they all answered. Again, it's just another copycat move on my part, but she asked the Virtual World to help her out and tho late, I thought I would.

Sending you all the positive thoughts and energy I can muster Brandy.

************************************

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog - as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school - dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma - an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been - spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know - (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart. This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, Google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making - but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM - please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Adieu 2009 - Onto 2010

2010-01-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

The last week of 2009 I started surfing for new bloggers. I thought it was time to clean up a few links and look for new writers who inspired me a bit more. I found a few strong female voices I was really drawn to and moved by and one of them is this gem at Hope Dies Last. I'm again feeling listy because I'm not sure how to summarize the last month or what to say in my usual Miss D set of run on sentences and made up words. Not that I don't have stuff to say, but a list of questions seems more finite and somehow simpler, at least today. So I thought I'd borrow her latest post idea and say goodbye to 2009 in a more appropriate and copycat kind of way. I'm certainly no trendsetter. 2010 can't change the fact most often I'm still just a sheep in the herd who has yet to find her own way. I'll get there.. one day.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I did a couple of things. Stage managed the largest cast I'd ever seen in fringe of 21 actors while also production managing the same show. I also went to Barcelona completely alone, not knowing a soul for two weeks because I was tired of being tied to the idea that I needed someone else to travel with. It was still a challenge for someone like me who likes more time with friends than being alone, but it was a good life experience and I needed to do it.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for this year?

I tried. For a long time, my goals were to be more positive, not to let the negatives take me over and work on my own issues of trying to be a better listener, friend, employee, daughter, sister, lover, and just all around better person. That's a full plate. I'll certainly carry it to this year tho last year was truly disheartening in so many ways, but I just kept going and tried to take it a day at a time. I have hope for this year. I have to.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Actually yes! My gorgeous friend Cayenne gave birth on December 8th to a darling little girl she named Leila. I'm an auntie once again. She is all rainbows and magic and bunnies in the cutest little package.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately, yes. My stepfather. My mother's true love I believe.. and I so wish they'd had more time together.

5. What countries did you visit?

Canada and Spain.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A partner who doesn't flee at a little hard work and knows what he wants (me, among other things). And to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life.. I should probably focus on that part first.

7. What dates from 2009 will be etched in your memory and why?

March 30th: When they pulled the breathing tube out and my stepfather died.

April 14th: When Boy and I broke up.

June 27th: The last time Boy and I saw each other in person and said goodbye.

November 2nd: My 38th birthday and the first time I felt genuinely happy after a very difficult and emotional spring and summer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Going to Spain alone and pulling myself out of my hole of sadness to see the world is a giant place and there are so many things to discover and people to meet.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Being unable to let go, being afraid, denying who someone really is even tho they show you over and over.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A broken heart from losing a father and a boyfriend within weeks of each other. I almost couldn't believe it was happening again almost exactly 10 years after I experienced the same thing at 28. And a seriously annoying case of head-to-toe hives from an allergic reaction to antibiotics for an infection. Ick ick ick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My ticket to Barcelona and the awesome boots purchased there as well.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Obama for winning the election even if he's been too nice in my opinion over the course of the year and Jon Stewart for always being brave enough to call everyone on their bullshit, right or leftwing.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

The Boy depressed me, beyond my imagination. I was appalled by anyone who supported Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and/or Roman Polanski.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To massive amounts of alcohol.. if we're being honest.. and I think we are.

15. What did you get really really excited about?

Really, just my trip to Spain and the friends I met there and held onto.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Horseshoes And Handgrenades by Green Day. Any song that starts off with 'I'm not fuckin around' couldn't possibly suck and I sang it loud and in my car when I needed to remind myself I'm stronger than the bad that was happening. An audible swift kick in the ass if you will.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. happier or sadder

b. thinner or fatter

c. richer or poorer

Probably a bit sadder, but trying to move on from that, a few pounds heavier and that's a mystery where those came from, but richer in life and love regardless.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Healing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Crying. Seriously one of the hardest years of my life.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No - I was already there.

21. What was your favorite tv program?

I have a list - my excuse is that being an actor it's all scene study - but I'll categorize:

Favorite new shows: Modern Family - because it's seriously the funniest damn thing on tv and also because I went to college with Ty Burrell who's the dad of the more traditional family and he finally got a show worthy of his talents. And Glee - because when you're a musical theater geek like I am, it's tv candy.

Favorite guilty pleasure: Gossip Girl - and I don't want to hear another word about it. Thank you.

Favorite America votes show: I usually never watch reality shows or anything they ask 'America' to dial into but I love So You Think You Can Dance. I hate the judges except for Adam Shankman who's one of the funniest gay men on the planet, but the dancing is gorgeous and a few choreographers seriously give me tingles watching their talents come to life.

Favorite news show: The Daily Show. Jon is where I get my news because it's more truth than anything else out there.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't hate anyone - that's a strong word. I dislike people like Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh who instill unreasonable fear and spread ignorance to the masses.

23. What was the best book you read?

Well, if I could finish it, probably When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris. I only read at the gym and I need to make more time for it.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably The Ting Tings as far as new artists, Kaskade as far as new to me and fun dance music, and the new Muse, Green Day and Rodrigo y Gabriela albums. This year, I needed it to be loud.

25. What did you want and get?

To go to Europe this year.

26. What did you want and not get?

To build a life with the Boy, to know my stepfather longer.

27. What was your favorite film of 2009?

Blockbuster: Star Trek

Indie: Sunshine Cleaning (tho I haven't seen (500) Days of Summer) - it's on my Netflix)

Original: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Best See With A Guy: The Hangover

Best See With Your BFF: Whip It

28. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

On the day, which fell on a Monday, I celebrated with some new friends by having a chill little get together over some food and cupcakes and watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which made me love Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillian to an almost obsessive degree. And then later that week, had a more appropriate birthday party at the Bottleneck Lounge, stumbling distance from home, with all the friends who could make it. Shine made me the best cake ever and I drank a lot of panther's milk and champagne. The next week a crew of us saw They Might Be Giants live and it honestly couldn't have been a better way to celebrate a full two weeks of being 38. Doesn't matter that I still look 26, but I'm ever so grateful that's true.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Unfortunately, it was based on comfort most of the time tho a few times this summer, I brought the sexy back, but it was more rare than not. Again, no trendsetter here. I'm happy if I my butt looks good in a pair of jeans and my shoes don't hurt after wearing them for only two hours.

30. What kept me sane?

A few very good friends and their words of wisdom I had to keep repeating over and over.. and over.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have a fondness for smart and funny Jews so Jon Stewart wins hands down.

32. Who did you miss?

The Boy, my stepfather, and the friends who've chosen to cut ties - one for when she was sweet and kind and fun (because the other times, she was just plain mean) and the other for her quirky energy, her sense of style, her independence and amazing talent she had for thrifting. Also, she was just plain gorgeous to look at.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Violet. Funny, real, makes friend time even tho she lives with her boyfriend who is also funny and nice and we have that little bond of meeting in Barcelona, having the best night of both of our trips and living in the same city - at least for now.

34. The most valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?

When people show you who they really are, you should believe them.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Another day, just believe.

Just breathe. Just believe.

Just breathe.

25 Days of Christmas List

2009-12-26T23:30:00.000-08:00

I'm hanging out at the family farm and it's my last night in the middle of no where before I head back home to Seattle tomorrow. It feels like a writing night so I thought I'd make a list - but I found this one on another blog and promptly 'borrowed' it..

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I did both this year because though I love it when friends get me lots of little things and wrap them individually, I didn't think my family would appreciate that so both my brother's and mother's gifts went into bags. Everything else was wrapped in paper. I like to mix it up.

2. Real or artificial tree? I've done both, but in the last few years, I got a bargain deal on a mini tinsel tree that I love. It's silver, folds up and down, doesn't shed pine needles everywhere, I don't have to water it, it won't go up in flames and it's super shiny and hip. I have these mini Santa ornaments that are freakin adorable for it too. It's très apropos for a city girl like me.

3. When do you put up the tree? Yeah, um.. this year, I sort of didn't. Ok.. a little more than sort of. I just didn't get around to it. And yes, I know - even tho it would take all of five whole minutes due to the answer to the last question, but for some reason, it took a while to feel like Christmas was even here for me. It's been a weird year, what can I say.. I'm waiting for 2010 to feel better. But usually, I wait for December to hit and then anything holiday-ish goes.

4. When do you take the tree down? Well, it's really easy if you never put it up in the first place.. but usually, after new year's.

5. Do you like eggnog? Actually, yes - but I avoid it cuz there's just too many other homemade sweets and their ilk around to waste the calories on one glass of eggnog even if it's spiked. Not when you can have Gram's chocolate covered peanut butter balls. The best!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably the bikes 'Santa' brought us. Mine was a yellow Huffy, complete with banana seat and basket. It was fucking awesome.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? I try to avoid Things That Collect Dust.. even for baby Jesus.. I hope He'll manage to forgive me..

8. Hardest person to buy for? My mom. She was poor growing up so she's since made up for her past by always buying whatever she wants whenever she wants it. Tho this year she was clear about something she wanted. She said it was called 'The Rabbit' - and it took a moment to figure out she wasn't talking about the specific product a whole Sex And The City episode was dedicated to. This one is a wine opener. And everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. But as we all agreed 'no presents' and still got small things anyway, I went with dvds and coffee I knew she'd like instead. It's a whole lot better than giving her cash like I said last year I was going to do because she hates everything I ever get her.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My sister-in-law. She's girly and we have similar taste so I know if I pick something out, she'll like it. This year she asked for wine glasses so off to Crate & Barrel I went, picked out two different kinds, four of each in case one set broke or she liked one style more than the other and.. and voilà.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? I love my mom, but she likes her ideas rather than listening to mine. She always asks what we want or asks if we need something like a gps system when I have a Blackberry and a Macbook and know my way around Google maps already. I always say no, just money towards my credit card or something practical and she takes it in and then who knows what she does with that info but pay attention to it she doesn't. Then she presents something like a handmade wooden chair that transforms into a step stool in a pinch.. but is also so big, it's kind of awkward for a little apartment like mine. And since she got my brother one as well and he now lives in a house, guess where that chair went oh.. immediately? Right. Um.. thanks!

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? I decided against either and went with Christmas texting. The unlimited plan is the way to go people. Cards aren't cheap and only come in packs of 10 or 12. Stamps are excessively expensive and why send people things they'll just have to recycle? I chose the instant gratification form of communication AND the environmentally conscious one at that. Yay me!

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Elf. My favoritest ever part is when the manager of the store announces Santa is coming the next day and Will Ferrell starts yelling 'Santa' at the top of his lungs. High-larious!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Well.. I think about it a lot after Halloween.. and I only ever managed to do it over the course of the year once and be completely done in time and within my budget.. so as usual, this year it was the week before Christmas.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I'm pretty proud to say that I'm a good re-gifter. And I think that's ok. Along with the answer to worst present ever, Mom included a waffle iron along with waffle mix. Considering I already had a cute waffle iron I liked and only used once in a while as is, it became my office white elephant gift. And this year, one of the office white elephant gifts I'd received a few years ago became my family white elephant gift. I also re-gifted a few small birthday items into this year's office white elephant and it was a huge success because the sales people thought they'd make great stocking stuffers for their kids and ended up stealing them a couple of times. It's just the circle of life.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? The aforementioned chocolate covered peanut butter balls. Ohmygod.. they are the most amazing thing Gram makes and I savor them every year, take some home and ration them out as long as I can make them last - usually til Valentine's. I'm so not kidding.

16. Clear or colored lights on the tree? I'm a big fan of white, but it just depends. Since I don't do my own, I appreciate everyone else's and however they do it. I did put up clear lights in my living room, which I think are particularly awesome even sans tree.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Baby, It's Cold Outside and then the Muppet's 12 Days of Christmas always cracks me up. Animal is my favorite.

18. Travel or stay home for the holiday? It'd be pretty lonely if I stayed in my little place and the family certainly isn't fitting there so I travel to the family farm in Oregon or wherever they tell me to go. No plane travel is involved so I'm grateful for that.

19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Uh. Yeah. Easy. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.. and yes, Rudolph.

20. Angel or a star on top of the tree? I had neither when the tinsel tree was up.. but if I could find a little one, probably an angel. Sort of my namesake.

21. Open presents Christmas eve or Christmas day? We do both. We have Christmas with the immediate family the night before and then the stockings and other 'Santa' type gifts are done the next morning. We'll usually head to a grandparent's or aunt's house to spend with Mom's side of the family which is a big dinner and a white elephant gift exchange (as noted above). That lends to a lot of laughs when yours truly opens two gifts in a row that are tool-related: a shop vac (wtf?) and a set of wrenches, and there are jokes about them attracting men to my life - either gay or hick - neither of which are directly useful and then I beg an uncle or male cousin to 'steal' them so I can end up with the bamboo cutting boards Grandma had to steal for me. Yay! Success!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I'm torn between the crowds OR the traffic driving down to the farm. I hit Target the week before Thanksgiving solely for toiletries and it was already insanity but it's a 4 1/2 hour drive from Seattle to BumFuckEgypt where Mom lives on the farm outside of Salem. Getting thru Washington is the worst part because Washingtonians are oblivious to the driving rule established everywhere else that the left lane is for faster traffic and you should be polite and move to the right when a faster car is coming up behind you. Oregonians have that down so once you cross into Portland, it's easy. Washingtonians act all self-righteous about it however, the freeways lend to that arrogance because there are exits and entrances right next to each other on the left side. Not sure what genius came up with that idea.

23. Ugliest Christmas decoration ever invented? Probably the Christmas sweater. It's decor for your body. Works for grandmas. No one else tho.

24. Gingerbread or sugar cookies? I think sugar cookies are boring. Gingerbread is fine.. but I like the holiday cookies that Shine makes every year with her family. She made some the year we lived together and they're divine! Orange-cranberry goodness with an orange glaze. Mmm!

25. Do you like fruitcake? Not in the slightest. Who in their right mind would?!

Holiday Cheer Times Three..

2009-12-20T11:30:00.000-08:00

I don't know what happened in between the end of Thanksgiving and oh.. practically the day before Christmas, but somehow, time got away from me. Work has been insanity with a lot of hours and not a lot of recognition, but at this time of year when lots of people are out of work, I have to be grateful I have a job and a fairly decent one besides. But this time of year makes you reflect, creates a sense of longing for lots of things as the year comes to a quicker end than you thought possible..

Oh and I also came down with the best bladder infection known to man. So when they say your medical insurance is great - maybe read the fine print. It's amazing to me how they admittedly use people as guinea pigs. The doc sent me home with a prescription that only worked for one of the two nasty bacteria occupying my insides saying 'Let's see if that works,' which should've been my first clue. Three days later, the doctor's office called saying I needed to come back so they could tell me the second bacteria was resistant to the first set of antibiotics so they were going to prescribe me another - even tho this could've been done over the phone. They asked for another co-pay and I defiantly said, 'Uh.. no. They asked me to come back.' Yeah, screw you.. I thought.

Then randomly that weekend, I came down with a migraine for most of the nicest Saturday we've had in a while. And one should know that I don't get migraines - and yet, there was a pretty bad headache plaguing me from the moment I got up til about 6pm that night. I've had three in my life including that one. One very light one years ago with halos and everything and one while Boy and I were in the midst of one of our do-we-break-up-on-our-scheduled-date-night-or-not-and-we-love-each-other-so-what-do-we-do cry-fests of mine which reduced me to a whiny, horizontal blob, eyes closed due to the pain and the massive nausea so bad it felt like the worst hangover of my life and I literally couldn't move til the pain subsided.

Saturday I thought it was just a caffeine headache.. but I was feeling nauseous after trying to do a few errands and with only having had three drinks in a span of six hours the night before, it couldn't have been due to that. I had so many plans that day - a date, the gym, a list of things to do and spent it horizontal trying not to throw up, wondering why ibuprofen wasn't stronger, and wishing the pain away.

Then, last Tuesday morning, half asleep and in the shower trying to wake up, I noticed my arm was covered in little red bumps - and I realized it wasn't just on one arm, but All. Over. My. Body. And I thought - damn karma.. because after freaking out and heading to the doctor's again, she told me the hives had come from an allergic reaction to the antibiotics most likely. Awesome! I'm so glad you gave me medicine that made me a different kind of sick! And an itchy kind at that! Yay! Love it!

She told me to stop taking them. Right Doctor Obvious, except that I'd finished the prescription two days before that. So for another $20 co-pay, she told me to keep taking Benedryl and let her know if it got worse. Um.. really? No cortisone shot? Nothing stronger? Ooook.. so off to work I went. All day. No sympathy from my boss and jokes if I should even be there or was contagious which just exasperated my already exhausted self. By 6pm, the last co-worker at the office had noticed my face was blotchy and red.. and the hives had spread and when I checked my arms, had become a lot more concentrated so I had the on call doc paged who was super nice and prescribed me a much stronger antihistamine. I tried not to freak out, but I called my mom on the way home crying because I was just so mad and felt like a walking circus side show. And my mother - God love the woman, but she pronounces Washington with an r in the middle, and even SHE knew the hives were caused by the antibiotics. Apparently, a sulfa base medication is a common allergy. Common? Yup - even the pharmacist said the same thing. THEN WHY DO THEY PRESCRIBE IT?!?! For someone who doesn't have any allergies, that should tell them something. This is not a good medicine.. and in fact, is not medicine at all.

So finally, after a very long week of work with lots of overtime, crabby afternoons and company-free evenings because I couldn't bear to have anyone see me, I met up with Vi for some holiday improv downtown on Friday night, and it was so nice to be out and social I would've asked her to hang out longer if we weren't both so tired.

Saturday, finding myself deficient of able-bodied men who are responsible for things like the bbq, killing spiders and hooking up electronic devices, my friend Ryan generously offered to help hook up my new LCD flatscreen my brother gave me even tho we wondered if at 19 inches if it was even necessary since it's eight inches smaller than my giant and ancient version, so how much sense does that make? But it takes up less room and is actually kind of kick ass.

Ryan's part of the group of new friends I made dating Boy. His progressive church group uses Boy's theater on Sunday mornings to meet. They also voluntarily work the box office and that's how I met them. Nothing against God, but He and I are good and I just don't feel the need to go to church, even an awesome-sounding one as theirs probably is. I grew up Catholic. I got plenty of church, thank you.

But my POINT is they're so funny and some of the nicest people I've met in ages. They drink, they allow me to be myself around them, they don't preach, invite me out all the time to their homes for dinner and game nights and they're sort of my favorite rockin' extended family, which I was in sore need of this year. How could I not hang out with them when they asked? We played Scattergories last night, drank, ate a bunch of not-good-for-us homemade mac n' cheese in addition to fondue and candied pecans I brought.

Today I'm hitting the gym, hanging up my Christmas lights no matter how much it makes the upstairs neighbor's dogs bark and hopefully meeting my new niece, Leila, who is Cayenne's new baby girl.

These are all much better ideas in my opinion than fighting the holiday shopping crowds. It's just too much madness for me this weekend. I'll try to get it done this week before I leave for Mom's Thursday night because yes, my office is open for business on Christmas eve and yours truly will be wondering why I'm there when the phones will be completely dead and not one of my clients will be in their offices. But I'll get to spend four days with my family after that - uninterrupted. Not sure if that's a good thing or not considering Mom never likes what I get her and last year I swore she was getting cash only. Seriously. But I'm bringing a great bottle of wine, we're ordering Chinese in, and probably watching a lot of movies, which is just fine with me.

I hope none of you are plagued with illnesses and find yourselves hive and swine flu free this holiday season. Be good to your mom, even if she drives you crazy, travel safely, reflect wisely, forgive yourself your mistakes this year, breathe before you snap at the driver who just cut you off or the Prius driver who doesn't know how to use the pedal that makes the car go. See a good movie, hug your loved ones, and relax. Next year will be here before you know it and the madness of forgetting what's important to us will start all over again.

Happy holidays everyone!

Notes From Barcelona: Chapter 7 - Spanish Treasures

2009-11-30T17:15:00.000-08:00

Friday, Oct 2nd - Continued:

My usual haunt is packed today by the time I get out into the afternoon so I sit outside the vegetarian place and order my standard café con leche, which is actually better. I also order some hummus and pita and some sautéed mushrooms. I read my super cool guide book I found randomly in the Barcelona gift shop within the Picasso Museum. It's called Le Cool: A Weird And Wonderful Guide To Barcelona. It amazes me how funky it is and it's made to be an off-center, non-traditional guide so not too far into it, I find the secret bar, Papillon, I already found the night before and I'm kind of proud of myself that I'm well on my way off the beaten path.

I check out my new camera I got yesterday and I feel braver about just taking pictures when I want to. On my way back from shopping yesterday afternoon this constant whistling and cheering was heard and kept getting louder. I finally wandered out to the main plaza to see what was going on and there's a large demonstration happening. I ask someone else watching and she says the professional cleaners of the city are striking over their low wages. Apparently, it's a big deal. I started to take pictures and I realize my camera is not cutting it at all and right behind me was a camera store so I give up and go in and about 20 minutes later, I have a new cute, hot pink Canon. Love. It. My pictures are instantly better. The woman behind the counter promised me at least one set of directions would be in English and when I get it back to the hostel to review it all completely I find instructions in Portuguse, Spanish, French and Dutch - but no English. I dissect the French manual as best as I can and think I'm lucky I took three years in high school but can read only basic sentences, but I manage to figure out the necessities.

The policia - kind of hot.. and this time, looking a bit more fierce and menacing.

I have the slip of paper with the address of Jan and Maria, who we met last night at Papillon. I ran into Giannis at the bar on my way out and he helped me manage the metro stop to find The Sants district. Jan had said to call them around 5pm and I'd tried, but there weren't enough numbers so it didn't work and I'd given up. I figured I might be imposing just showing up, but also, it couldn't do any harm and what else did I have to do?

I actually find it, which surprises me, and after some confusion with the roommate, I figure out Jan doesn't live there. He's Maria's boyfriend and Maria lives there, but they're still sleeping. He gets Maria who comes out and invites me in. She makes coffee and tells me Jan and she stayed out late last night as he lives in Greece and has to leave today. Dinner is off, but we chat for a while and she offers to hang out with me tomorrow or Sunday and said we should go to Parc Güell to see the views of the city. She gives me her email and number and we say goodbyes and I'm off.

I'm tired, but there's really no time left after my wandering today to take a nap before dinner. I get lost a few times circling my neighborhood, say hello to Giannis standing outside Sukūr and I decide to hang out at La Ria where I'm comfortable.

Since I've been writing, Chris Cornell has been chatting me up here and there. He's super nice, Basque, his second day working at the bar and when I comment on his shirt, he says he loves the Muppets without embarrassment. He says he used to write too.. something about philosophy or theology but the word he says is 'pheology'. Either way, it's something to do with language and prose. We talk about everything - where I'm from, Spain, the different languages of Spanish and Catalan, the food, his tattoos, the tattoo convention in town and how he looks like Chris Cornell, which makes him laugh. The other bartender who I've seen there the last couple of times I've been in walks by and smiles. He starts to pour five shots of something and I ask what it is. He tells me it's a coffee liquor and pours me my own. It's good. Chris Cornell had given me a different cherry flavored shot earlier - these digestives are common for after dinner. But with the wine I'd already had while writing, I'm getting a bit lit.

The bar is getting loud and a bit rowdy. I love the local feel of it because it's not really a tourist hangout. It's almost divey. Everyone smokes and is having a good time. Clearly there are a few loons, but that adds to the local flavor.

Saturday night, Oct. 3rd:

By the time I'd left La Ria, I'd met three English men; two of them older, brothers, and one was their son who'd they'd brought to Barcelona for his 21st birthday. We talked about the English vs. the Irish, football and David Beckham being a sellout, Gordon Brown who the English father said he'd rather have a hot poker shoved up his ass than vote for - things they had very strong opinions about. But they don't stay long and after they leave, Chris Cornell and I keep chatting. When it's my turn to make a motion to leave, Joseph, the other bartender - also the owner - opens his arms wide for a hug and I can't deny him. These guys are just so warm and friendly - everything I wanted Barcelona to be - without being creepy like some of the men in this city. This bar will be one of my favorite memories for sure.

How I spent most nights - with my journal and liquor - this night it was a cherry flavored digestive and plenty of rioja.

Joseph - the owner of La Ria - super nice guy. Go see him.

La Ria - a picture I took on a Monday night. Everything is closed on Mondays. Who knew?

I headed in the direction of my hostel, feeling tipsy and walked by Sukūr. I ask Giannis if we can hang out when he's off and shockingly, he's defensive and gives me all this attitude. I say we don't have to if he's busy and he tells me to call him, which I explain isn't easy for me since I have to use a pay phone and he knows where my hostel is - only a few doors down from the restaurant. I say I'll wait at the hostel if he wants to come by, but he makes some excuses about not knowing when he'll be done and we go a couple of rounds of this and I'm really confused and getting irritated - especially when he loses his patience and says, 'Ok, we've had this same conversation three times now.' I feel like I'm talking to one of my exes and I start to see that the other night with Sam probably pissed him off more than he's willing to admit. I'm really surprised he's talking to me this way and I tell him I leave on Tuesday and I just came by because I wanted to spend time with him. If he'd like to see me, he knows where I am and I walk away hurt and disappointed.

In my room, I realize I'm out of bottled water so I run down to the little store nearby and think, ok - I'll try one more time with Giannis to clear the air. I didn't want to leave it like that. I really try to be kind and sweet and he gets sarcastic and says it's all his fault, this misunderstanding, but he means it as a blow off and it's clear we aren't going to end well and we don't. I walk off again after a stand off of him not caring and being rather cruel and me not knowing how to fix it because he doesn't want to. So I head back to my room, drunk and alone, and have a good cry over probably every man I've loved and all my broken hearts before I finally fall asleep.

Sunday, Oct. 4th:

Friday was a good test of my abilities - or lack thereof - to be alone, explore and trust what will happen. Saturday I got up at a decent hour around 10:30am, made myself ready for the day and attempted to find the Catedral. I wanted to get pictures of the little pond by the Frederick Marès museum. I do find it and that makes me happy because it's so easy to get lost here. There's a little girl playing near the pond carrying a small bag of breadsticks and singing while her mother sits on a bench with the girl's baby brother. She doesn't stand still long enough for me to get a picture of her unfortunately. She's too giggly, but adorable.

The Frederick Marès museum is open and I remember it's in my supercool guide book as a recommended site so I go in. This man was a one-of-a-kind collector and you wonder how he could've afforded these things and simply where he kept all three floors of it all but the gorgeous Greek sculptures and Byzantine Christian artwork still keep me in awe - even if I already saw similar pieces at the Museum of Catalunya.. I mean, did I mention how the Spanish love their Jesus' on crosses? Because they do. Like whoa. But Frederick had many MANY rooms of this stuff and he didn't forget Mary and the baby version of Jesus on her lap.. lots of those too. So that's all well and good - but after that, it gets really weird. There are whole rooms dedicated to his collection of what were more ladies' items of fans, hat pins, period fashion drawings, um.. locks of hair. There was a room entirely for keys, knives and scissors of every kind and size, intricately ivory-embellished pipes, playing cards, old pictures, royal crowns, tins, boxes, marble caskets, plates and pottery.. I'm not talking one wall here or one gallery box - whole rooms, hundreds of feet, THREE FLOORS. It went on and on and on.. It was like your grandmother's house if she'd gone well past Eccentric Street collecting turtles or dolls and settled onto Insanity Lane collecting Everything That Collects Dust. Becauase hi.. Did you hear me on the THREE FLOORS?! It just started to feel super creepy by the time I reached the top.

See? Oh-so-pretty little pond.. lovely and serene.

Pretty Grecian statue thing..

Aww Jesus.. don't die.. it's just so sad..

Don't forget Mary and baby Jesus on her knee! Like 43 of them..

Then.. let's collect some marble caskets with some creepy devil dog at the end, shall we?

And some fans, some old silverware.. the regular grandma type things..

Pretty dresses!

Weird lounging Mary in a box.. where she's holding a mini Jesus on a cross all happy and it really confused me..

I mean, isn't it a teensy bit creepy?

Not nearly as creepy as this BRAID OF HAIR.. which looks rather scorpion like at first, doesn't it?!

Incredibly intricate ivory carved pipes..

Crowns of every kind.. How does one get these?!

Pictures and cards.. it was never ending..

I feel thoroughly icky upon walking out the door of the museum and decide maybe it's time I did some retail therapy. The goal was shoes and I more than succeeded. Three pairs of boots, two scoops of gelato and a picture of the biggest cockroach I've ever seen and I'm back at the hostel to drop off my treasures before I settle in for a 30 minute nap before dinner.

Hi.. ew ew ew.. creeeeepy.. run run!

It's 8pm and the crowds are getting louder and being inside, I feel like I'm missing out. I can't tell if I'm hungry but wine always sounds good. I head to the Pulperia where I couldn't find a seat the other night and I actually see one open. I ask the guy next to it if I can sit there and he says his friend is there but after determining I'm alone, he tells me to take it anyway. His friend comes in, clearly joking with him about giving his seat away to what I hope he's saying is a cute girl. They're friendly and funny - Ivan, the one I sat next to, is from the Dominican Republic and has great English. He sometimes sounds completely American so much it throws me. He's texting friends in German tho. Idress is French and tells me to call him Baotist instead. He's loud, over-the-top extroverted, and a crack up. We talk about why they're both here (they clearly visit the Pulperia a lot by how they talk to the waiters), their lack of plan for the night and how neither has a girlfriend.

Baotist's is actually a sad story. His girlfriend moved back home to Germany four months ago where she's living with her mother and her barely one month old daughter - also Baotist's. The mother pressured Baotist and her to relocate promising a job and a place to live, but he wasn't willing to leave Barcelona and the girlfriend didn't come back with him after their daughter was born. He's clearly crushed by it, but I recognize that thing in him that's pure man - the ability to bury it and move on to another subject that enables him to laugh and joke around. Or is that just moving on? I don't know.

We move on to my break up - like that's a better subject - and he tells me very sincerely to stay true to myself and take care of my heart. Then he says we're all in good company because Ivan was also dumped two weeks ago.. but he was the cheater in that story and the girlfriend took him back and finally couldn't take the fact he hadn't changed. Now he's regretting how he treated her. Ahh.. boys.

We hang out for a bit and they help me order a little food, joke with the waiters behind the counter and invite me out wherever they're going. On the way, Baotist is crazy friendly with everyone he walks by. He's Barcelona's welcome wagon, flirting with a group of older American women standing outside a hostel and daring one to dance with him in the street. They laugh and blush and you can tell it makes their night. He walks right up to a bar window where there's a group of people on the inside. He acts like they're old friends, waves, and says something loud and friendly. We go in and Ivan tells me Baotist probably doesn't know them at all, but that doesn't stop him from approaching their table. They love him immediately and he's over there for a while. One of them, an Irishman, Eamon, comes over to get drinks and ends up chatting with us for a long time. I'd only heard a bit of his acccent, not enough to get the Irish accent at first, and mistakenly ask if he's English. He feigns being insulted and teases me about it for a while, but he soon realizes he's been gone from his table for so long waiting on the drinks and chatting with us that the girlfriend is looking over and wondering what's taking so long. Baotist, always willing to lend a hand, says he'll go over to the table and keep her entertained.

Once the drinks arrive, Eamon makes a friendly goodbye and Baotist returns to our spot. But the boys don't seem to want to stay terribly long and Baotist feels a little badly. I say it's fine and I can manage on my own. He suggests I could crash Eamon's table of friends and it's not such a bad idea. He offers to take me to the beach tomorrow if I want and gives me his contact info. The boys leave and I shyly make my way over to the Irishman's table and hope for the best. I don't know why I thought it would be a problem though. They very boisterously agree that I should crash their party and I wonder what adventures I'm in for now.

Notes From Barcelona: Chapter 6 - A Little Bit of Home

2009-11-28T23:00:00.000-08:00

Friday night, Oct. 2nd:

I'm back at La Ria tonight. It reminds me of a biker bar, but much more brightly lit. It's one of my favorite places so far. Everyone's tattooed and pierced to the nines - if piercings can be to the nines.. ? I tried the Pulperia in the other direction and it was packed. My body is tired of walking and tho the last 24 hours has been great, tonight I feel lost. The bartender, who reminds me of Chris Cornell, is wearing a shirt with the two hecklers from the Muppets on the front. He's just cool. I order a glass of rioja, pimientos de padron and patatas bravas after making myself comfortable at the bar.

Last night I decided to hang out at Sukūr and thought Giannis and I would make plans after. I got some amazing food - this goat cheese and apples concoction that was fantastic and some sort of steak medallion yumminess. Then finished with the risotto that was luxuriously delish. After writing and reading for a while, I start to feel like maybe I'm doing myself a disservice by hiding away in the bar and then a group of three Americans walk in. Giannis tells them they can get drinks, but the kitchen is closed, rather sharply. They decide to stay anyway and after talking to them, he announces they're from Seattle. I instantly light up and so do they with that familiarity of ohmygodwecanspeakenglishthankgod feeling. After some conversation with the brother about how he just found out the Sonics are no longer in Seattle and I tell him that's old news and it's all about the Sounders now, he invites me over to hang out at their table with them.

Sam and Sally, siblings - nicknamed for their big pretty eyes that remind me of Dr. Seuss characters - and Violet, Sally's college friend, also a character from Willy Wonka, were on Violet's first trip to Europe ever and were all heading to Paris the next night. We instantly chatted about everything we'd all encountered and were talking so fast I'm sure no one near of foreign ethnicity could keep up. We laugh a lot. Sam is a diplomat and is currently stationed in Madagascar and tho Sally had lived in Seattle and convinced Violet to move there, she left soon after and relocated to San Francisco where she's an immigration lawyer. Violet was the only one of the three who still lived in Seattle, working in environmental construction (? Something like that.).

We barely take breaths in our conversation and the bar is closing so we tell Giannis to meet us around the corner when he's done and I introduce them all to La Ria. We get a bottle of rioja while we wait and exchange contact info before we all get too drunk we forget. Sally and I both figure out we're both adopted, which seems unbelievable for the resemblance to her brother. Giannis arrives and we discuss our next plans of hitting this club called BLVD on La Rambla for dancing and general merriment where he can get us passes to get in.

Once there, it resembles a lot like a club right out of Pioneer Square in downtown Seattle with three rooms for techno, 80's and hip-hop respectively. The first two have scattered inhabitants, but the hip-hop is where the party is. We get drinks, take pictures, sweat our asses off and giggle a lot. I'm really drawn to Sam, but technically I'm with Giannis so I try to keep the flirt down because I don't want to be trashy. I've already been college-level promiscuous here and tho that's within my right, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either.

Sally makes a face, Sam and Vi all smiles..

Sally's random funny face catches on with the group and Giannis joins in..

The girls and I need air and they seem ready to go. The guys follow us down tho I think they wanted to stay, but the bouncer won't let us hang in the lobby to make our decision of what to do next so we all leave and discuss outside. We filter out onto La Rambla to go over our plan and it's crowded - crazy crowded for almost 3am. Not everyone's from the bar crowd. There are still plenty of tourists wandering about and plenty of wacky types to keep said tourists entertained. I snap a couple of pictures of these kids lying on the ground for no apparent reason and giggling hysterically. We don't understand them when we ask what they're doing, but they're having a great time.

Then there was this fine gentleman sparkling with the most facial piercings I'd ever seen in my life. He wanted five Euros for me to take a picture with him. I said no and gave him the change I had but it wasn't close to five. Hi. Do you see the tattoo on the top of his head creeping out? Ew.

We all head to another more quiet bar that doesn't really seem to suit any of us and the girls decide they're done anyway. So does Giannis. We walk everyone to their respective places - the girls to their hotel first on the other even dodgier side of La Rambla and Giannis to his apartment between my hostel and the club and when I say goodbye he just seems friendly and unphased. Well.. ok. That was.. easy. Hm.

Sam is cute, by the way. I think I might've forgotten to mention this. He was talkative and funny at the restaurant, but seemed shy at the club. Maybe he wasn't sure about my interest and I guess neither was I. On our own, he was back to being friendly and funny, but not really flirty. It was just really easy to be around each other.

We try to go back to BLVD, but it's clearly closing as we get there so we walk across La Rambla and see a group of policia watching the chaos of late night drunks filter out to the street, but they just stand there. Sam thinks we should approach them and states that they wouldn't turn down a cute girl with a question and we head their direction. We're brave enough to ask them where we should go now that it's 4am. Something has to be open and one officer is actually nice enough, surprisingly, to tell us about a club called Papillon, and I say surprisingly because after hours clubs are illegal. But very quickly in Barcelona you realize the policia are nothing but a peace-keeping presence and by that I mean they do a lot of just standing around. They don't do anything else and don't seem intimidating.. more apathetic. But of course they know of the illegal places. They aren't blind. We tell our policia friend to join us when he's off work and he laughs. Then we head the direction he's pointed us in.

We think we're getting close and we have no idea where to go so we ask another small group of people, two guys and an extremely gorgeous girl, if they know of the club. She lights up and says they're going their too and to come with them so we do. After our quick introductions and small talk, I realize their leader, Lazarus, is Greek, from the same small town Giannis AND is one of his good friends. Could Barcelona get any smaller?

We get to the door, still in the Barri Gòtic, and are signalled to keep the noise down. Illegal clubs are allowed to exist by the policia because they cooperate with being hidden among residential areas. They don't want anything to jeopardize that.. understandably. Inside, it's crowded, a dark and dingy little place purely for the after hours crowd who simply doesn't want to go home yet. We talk to our new friends a bit, talk to each other and really don't stay longer than an hour probably - even after randomly being sung to by a strange guy just standing near us. Sam abruptly looks at me and asks if I want to get out of there, but there's a different look I hadn't seen in his eyes. I say yes and we say goodbye to our new friends, who made sure I had their contact info before we left and offered to make us dinner the next night and Sam and I try to find our way back to the more familiar side of the Gothic Quarter.

I take some pictures on our way thru the quarter and eventually we realize it's later than we both thought after we make it back to my hostel and then back out for um.. supplies.. like 8am actually. It's been quite the night.. and morning... and after a while, Sam has to leave to meet the girls for their last tour of the city before they're off to Paris that night. I go back to bed, hung over still, and doze in and out due to the constant street noise, which I love and loathe at the same time because the energy never stops here. At 3pm, I finally get up feeling much better. Back on my own again today, I get ready for my afternoon and head out to to my regular spot in the plaza for a café con leche and some food.

Thanksgiving Break

2009-11-26T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm at the ranch with the whole family today. We're expecting quite a few people and some who were not expected as well. Since my step-dad passed away, one of his sons and his family have moved in with my mom and she has instant grandchildren and a house filled with noise and people she loves to fuss over. I'm glad they're here for her. It's weird to have new step-siblings and step-nieces and nephews - not that they're new exactly, but they live here now so they're more apart of the family than they ever were. It's strange realizing you're not the kid your mom dotes on completely anymore. And the fact they call her Grandma already when my brother and I haven't even procreated was a little surprising, but I'm happy Mom glows with a new motherly purpose. It suits her.

This year has been a roller coaster for me personally and I find at times I'm still struggling with finding my way through it, but the point is I haven't given up. I do have some friends who don't understand it completely and honestly, I don't either. For a few months, I really didn't recognize the person I was anymore and that isn't a place I want to go back to. I just hope as time passes, things continue to lighten and my perspective stays positive.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I've met a lot of new people this year who I count as good friends now. Some good friends I don't see as often, but when we do, it's like no time has passed and we pick up where we left off. At least one decided I didn't fit in her life anymore due to certain choices and that's to be expected once in a while. And the ones I see and talk to regularly have shown to be resilient with as much as I've leaned on them this year. I couldn't have made it thru some dark days without them.

I hope you all find your own moments of reflection today and the levity in your family. Mine is weird and crazy and crass. I brought two bottles of wine to get thru it all, but it's an experience and I'm glad I'm here. If your family gets to be too much, please feel free to come visit mine. There's plenty of room at the ranch. Just bring more wine.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Interlude

2009-11-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wonder what the best solution is to my journaling dilemma of trying to catch you all up on my adventures in Barcelona and having life.. you know.. keep going amid Birthday Month and all that comes with that. I mean since Halloween, it's been pretty exciting around here. There are lots of dating stories, girl drama - come and gone, thank GOD, dinners with many friends involving lots of catching up, SeaCompression - the giant Burning Man after party, a They Might Be Giants concert complete with sock puppets AND, as if that wasn't enough, because you know, it isn't.. my birthday party ended the week!

Phew! You'd think I'd be exhausted.. and ok.. I am a little, but it's been one of the best months since spring that I can remember. November is often like that because it's not my favorite time of year, but it is my favorite month with my favorite holiday - my birthday. Attention-whore at heart who's learned to downsize the attention-getting a little, I still love having an official day that's kind of all mine. Since it fell on a Monday this year, the festivities couldn't really be fully celebrated on the day because Mondays never feel right. I did end up with a small group of friends watching the highly anticipated Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog - and I say 'highly anticipated' because I didn't know about this Joss Wheden incredibleness before and I'm late to find out everything, but OH. MY. GOD.. Funniest thing EVER! Apparently there are enough extras by the cast that it could make a whole funny musical DVD on its own! But you can't really go wrong with Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion.. No. No you can not.

Next there was the Burning Man after-party, Seacompression. Basically all the Seattle burners and their ilk gather together in a giant hangar and have a Burning-Man-like burn just without the playa. Any excuse to dress up, dance, and be merry but it's a little different without dust and without 100-degree heat. We shook some booty as a booty is wont to do when wearing booty-shakin' attire and we met friends in the men's bathroom since the line was much shorter and stayed up til the wee hours groovin' and basically gettin' down with our bad selves.

Case in point: I shake my striped booty-shakin' self..

Eight and I share a hug and picture.

Gabi gets down..

Brit Paul groovin to the music in a coat he fashioned himself!

Weird restroom pics with Cayenne, Mez and a little Miss D.

It pretty much took all day Sunday to recover from the debauchery of the night before.. but it was sooo worth it. Since I couldn't afford to do both Burning Man and Barcelona, I figured this was my one night to pretend I was on the playa this year and it didn't suck.

And the party didn't stop there. Tuesday we succumbed to the steady downpour outside in order to see They Might Be Giants play the Flood album live. Appropriate title considering the weather.. We knew it was going to be a good show, even not knowing what to expect, but we didn't think they were going to blow the roof off the place, which they did.

The opening act's name defies memory, but they were Irish and adorable, beginning and ending their set with songs accompanied by ukulele, which I recommend to every band to do. There's something incredibly charming about that instrument and it automatically puts you in the Bands That Don't Suck category.

But of course the true joy came when TMBG walked on stage and proceeded to overwhelm us with their quirkiness and the songs off Flood. I was in college when that came out and clearly not the hardest core fan among the sold-out crowd. But they played my favorites, Birdhouse In Your Soul and Istanbul (Is Not Constantinople), which friggin rocked. But then - in the middle of everything? SOCK PUPPETS. I kid you not! I do not kid.

We watched a screen come down and we noticed we were being filmed so we raised our hands in collective crowd stupidity like all audiences do when told we're being filmed to the sock puppets' delight. They introduced themselves as The Avatars Of They and then rocked our collective socks off from that point on. Seriously, they should have their own show. Not for kids, of course.. but they reminded me of a similarly quirky group, Barenaked Ladies, and their on-stage antics.

Two and half hours later, thoroughly concert-ed out but happy, there's still a birthday party to look forward to at the end of the week.

It seems a bit anti-climactic now because it was just whomever of my friends could make it to my new favorite neighborhood bar, The Bottleneck Lounge - a favorite because of it's cool bartenders, cool owner, and two-block proximity from my house. I could literally stumble home if necessary.

There were good friends, stellar drinks, a fucking off-the-hook homemade cake by Shine and a lot of silly pictures.

Cayenne and Amsterdam (complete with unborn little one) present the cake made by unseen Shine.. mm!

Me - just a complete dork..

I'm reminded that there's a lot of life around me, a lot of positives, and really, really good people to remind me of that stuff when I forget. It's been such an emotional year. I guess if you didn't have the downs you'd never recognize the ups, but there are a lot more smiles when it's Up Time and it feels long overdue. So as winter gets on and the end of 2009 gets closer, I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, which is moving forward. Bring on the next year of challenges. I think I'm ready.

Notes from Barcelona: Chapter 5 - More Pictures Than Words

2009-11-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

Thursday afternoon, Oct. 1st

I got up today at a reasonable hour, 10:30, made coffee for the last time in the apartment, chatted only briefly with Emma and Keano all the while noticing how sore my calves were. I showered and packed then walked my bags over to the Hostel Baires across the street. The room is solely mine and has a little balcony off Carrer Gignas, which I walk down every day. It's clean with a sink and a little balcony. The bathroom and shower, both different little rooms are down the hall.

I get ready and make my way out determined to find the Picasso Museum today. I scoured the map yesterday and it doesn't look far or hard. I walk in that direction and take in parts of El Born and the Barri Gòthic I haven't yet seen. I'm still shy with my camera and I don't know why. It's silly. I find my way down a main street, see some government building a distance away and then recognize Carrer Comerç and walk down that til I hit Carrer Principessa and have to ask where the museum is. He doesn't speak English so I keep going and find the Museu de la Xocolata, buy a gift for one of my girlfriends while there and then ask directions thinking one tourist spot has to know where the other is. They do, I head out and it's gorgeous and stunning and old and the sad part is, they don't allow pictures, not even without flash, so I spend a small fortune in the gift shop because hi - Picasso - and only get pictures of the plaques outside to mark I was there.

Afterwards, I buy a few scarves for girlfriends just down from the museum from a nice man who's selling them. After I pay for them he gives me advice on how to protect my bag, where to eat near Plaça de Catalunya and asks me where I'm from. We chat and then I'm off for food. I seriously spent so long in the gift shop buying souveniers that the siesta hours came and went so businesses are opening up again. I find a cute little clothing boutique and fall for a little bright green and grey hoodie. It's stupid as far as the price, but I can't give it up and tho the woman and I go back and forth in foreign-to-the-other gibberish because she doesn't speak any English, we still figure it out. I pay for it and a couple of darling little handmade coin purses shaped like animal faces for my nieces, Emo and Lulu back home. I also found some Spanish fans that might be touristy, but I think they'll love them and I've seen a lot of Spanish women using them especially in the metro stations where it's so unreasonably hot it feels like Middle Earth.

I find a little café, Buenas Migas, where I sit myself down for a bit and write and watch. I realize I'm near the Catedral where Giannis took me to the other day and I watch huge talking tours come and go speaking all kinds of languages - French, German, English/American. It's only Thursday and you can tell the crowds are already picking up. Sigh - my hip and my writing are suffering at the moment so I'm going to pop some pain pills, then head over to the church for some pictures and home after to freshen up.

These are outside the Catedral - churches hold something for me but this.. wow.. this was some of the most stunning architecture and you can feel the history emanate from the walls.

Inside, it's intricate and ornate and every nook and cranny deserves to be logged by a camera, but you just can't get it all and it certainly doesn't do it justice, the beauty of it all..

I love this Mary - she has this very contented smile.. It was comforting.

My favorite crucifix of the entire trip.. I love that Jesus is flanked at every side by angels..

Outside, but adjacently connected to the church are the cloisters from the 14th century. There are no words but phenomenally gorgeous..

The gueese always number 13. I found conflicting information saying they are kept there and also they choose to be there. I'd like to believe they choose to be there by a lovely and tragic religious history. They say they're 13 because each goose represents one year of the life of the martyr Saint Eulalia who was a young girl tortured to death in the 4th century for her religious beliefs by the Romans. She's the patron saint of Barcelona.

Hi.. random Picasso on the roof perimeter of this building that's across from La Seu. Beautiful - wish you were here.

Busker - a motionless one at that - but his hat out nonetheless for the euro you might throw in for his determination I suppose.

My favorite angel of the whole trip.. just takes my breath away for some reason..

Notes from Barcelona: Chapter 4 - Adventures Are Sometimes Frustrating

2009-11-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

Wednesday Sept. 30th:

The Museu Nacional D'Art de Catalunya is amazing. It's palatial and gorgeous, but unfortunately, we've been invited to accompany Emma's friend on a tour she's guiding which only covered the Romanesque and Gothic portions of the museum, not to mention it was mostly in Spanish so I had no idea what they were talking about. It was also long.

Emma and her friend wanted to spend their time together afterwards and being hungover and having eaten so little I was feeling a little defeated because I was also so tired and in an area of the city I wasn't familiar with. I wanted to see more and her friend would've arranged for me to be allowed to look through the rest of the museum, but I opted to head home and recoop thinking I'd be back later in the week.

I head back to my temporary neighborhood, the Barri Gòthic, call Giannis who'll meet me in a little while and decide to get food at a cafe I walk by daily called Venus. I'm a bit frustrated with my situation for a few reasons. The whole doing everything on my own is getting to me. I'm just not a solitary person for long. I want to get out in the city more but the little to no Spanish I know is really limiting, my hip is bothering more than I ever thought it would and that's actual pain and Ben also left me a note today saying there are paying tourists coming thru so I need to find new digs. I expected that to happen at some point, but it's just another thing to arrange. He recommends the hostel across the street and says it's super cheap and clean. I'd rather stay in the same neighborhood anyway and with having to pay for only five days of a 10 day trip, I feel pretty lucky. It was really generous of Ben to host.

My food is good and I eat like I'm starved. I meet up with Giannis for coffee afterwards and then we go back to the flat so I can check in with Ben about details for packing up, etc. Afterwards, Giannis takes me to the El Born district for a drink.

Today feels strange. It's slow. My hip is kind of killing me and though Giannis has been sweet to show me around and I'm getting more familiar with the area, our language barrier is becoming apparent. I talk too fast so I find myself sometimes talking in more broken English and I see sometimes he gets a little frustrated with me. The whole thing is a bit exhausting. We go back to his flat where I check my email and then he walks me out and we make plans for maybe tomorrow. I know how to find him.

I'm homesick. I miss my friends, would love to talk to Eight because I have this slight missing of Boy rising up within me. He'd certainly challenge me to do more, but then again, so would anyone else. I'm just lonely and tired of doing things on my own.

I make my own bocadillo at the flat, visit with Emma and her husband, Keano, and their cute little dog, Donnie, who leaves tomorrow. They're shipping him to Australia six weeks early. Poor little guy.. he's the sweetest. It's been nice to have a pet around being without Miss Emma Kitty and hoping she's doing fine without me.

People have little dogs everywhere around here. Lots of pugs, terriers, and French bulldogs. I see some shepherd types and pitbull mixes too.. but not one single cat. Not even a stray. Birds are popular and they usually sit out on the little porches of everyone's apartments in their cages. You hear them calling out when walking thru any given neighborhood.

I wander out on the town a bit after midnight. I give up easily tonight not finding a place I really want to sit and write. There's a cozy looking place right around the corner but no one is there and I need people around in order to be social. La Ria, the place Simon and I went to, seems too bright and a little too crowded for me to find a spot.. or I'm just being shy. My hip bugs me, but I keep going and ask the Syrian man outside the falafel place we've been eating at frequently how to get back to El Born because I can't seem to find it. He tries, I attempt to get there, and just feel lost and like the area's pretty sketchy tonight. Most of the men don't bother me, but it just feels dodgy. I walk by Sukūr and tho they're closed, I wave to Alejandro, Giannis' co-worker, who I met last night. I walk by the falafel joint again and Amer and I get to talking. He's the owner and I tell him between his place and the Belgian crepe place down the street, I'm getting fat because they're both so good.

I'm tired. I've taken enough ibuprofen to fell an elephant so I give in to the end of the day. The neighbor's next to Ben's flat are still up as they usually are in the wee hours always sounding like they have nothing better to do but party all night every night. I've met one, a guy from Portugal, and they're super nice, but I haven't really talked to them much. I see there's a few bright pink post-its on their door and each has one letter on it spelling out 'FUN'. I go to take a picture of it and the door opens suddenly. It's the roommate I haven't met, they invite me in, but it's awkward as I make small talk with them and a female friend of theirs inside. After about 10 minutes, I make an excuse about being tired, which isn't really an excuse, and head back to my own apartment to plan my day tomorrow. I'm still frustrated, but maybe having no plan isn't always a good idea so this is kind of exciting laying out the map and deciding if I should try the Picasso Museum and the Sagrada Família before the week gets on too far, when I should move from this apartment to the hostel, and thinking about buying a new camera. This one I just bought before the trip off craigslist is smaller than my old one, but really not great. The hostel also does laundry! Can I please say how excited I am for clean shirts? SO excited! I can't even explain!

Ok.. bed. Sleep. Now.

We Interrupt This Story For My Birthday..

2009-11-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

So many things change in a year's time. Between this year and last, I found and lost a great love in a man, in a theater, in a band.. in a stepfather. Some of those things were probably meant to come and go. I still miss most of them, tho the band not so much. I felt challenged and driven over the course of that time and tho this spring and summer had me somewhat paralyzed with sadness, I'm starting to find my way out. I'm surprised it's taken me so long but I've started to think maybe I like my own space, even if it's not completely painted yet. At some point, I will finish that.. slowly it'll happen.. like the cleaning of clutter, getting rid of junk and things like that, not only from my apartment, but from my life.

I met a lot of people in Spain. Everyone had a story and some of them were fresh heartbreaks. They were all complicated and really hard and so much more sad than mine. I was naively shocked that other people halfway across the world had hurt like I did and they were dealing a whole lot better.

Maybe that's what Barcelona taught me.. to live better, to keep going because after all, that's what life is.. 1% of what happens to you and 99% of how you choose to deal with it.

This year I hope to grow further, find some peace with the decisions other people have made, find that creativity that pushed me to make art happen around me and simply find a better sense of self and happiness. Here's to my 38th year of new experiences, new challenges, and rising to those occasions.

Notes from Barcelona: Chapter 3 - Wide-Eyed and Slightly Bushy-Tailed

2009-10-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

When I get out on the town, it's late for food, but the neighborhood is amazingly bustling for a Monday night I think. Emma and her husband suggested a place for dinner and writing that's still social but it was closed so I kept milling around and found myself walking in a lot of circles. I keep ending up on La Rambla which is touristy all day and recommended for people-watching and whatnot, but everyone cautions you to completely avoid it at night due to pickpockets and their ilk. It was still packed with people so I never felt unsafe, but I was still wary and wanted to get out of there. Twice more I found myself on the same damn street. Ugh.

I walk by tons of foreigners - a variety of Americans, Germans, Scandinavians, and Australians that I could tell and the groups of men and a few women constantly handing out flyers for this or that. Are they thieves trying to distract me? I have no idea but keep walking past them fast nonetheless.

I wander through a few squares I finally recognize and wonder why I can't find this bar Ben's taken me to a couple of times. It's a cervesaria, more Brit than Spanish and even tho it's really close to the apartment, goddamn if I can find it myself. It's practically invisible. The main owner/bartender is straight from Liverpool, knows a lot about beer, barely has any teeth and what's there is questionable, but he's raunchy and hilarious. It's a cool place.

I finally get tired of wandering aimlessly and settle on a place called Art & Schilling. Good combination of dimly lit and bright enough to write. Not packed, but enough people to eavesdrop upon or observe. The waiter is cute, bartender is cuter - but more alternative. I order some food and a gin and tonic. The feel of the place is cool but not pretentious. The food arrives quickly - a boccadillo with veggies and goat cheese (they forgot the cheese), olives, and my drink comes in a tall narrow glass filled halfway with gin, no ice, and I'm given a small but entire bottle of tonic, and a lemon. Not really the same but whatever.

It's after midnight and the people-watching isn't boring. Families walk in, mixed groups of tourists, some couples and different pairs of male and female friends in to catch up over drinks. The bartender walks out from behind the bar and gives me the eye. Or maybe I'm just brazen enough to stare back because isn't Barcelona kind of like Vegas? I think so.

I have yet to have any sangria because it seems like a touristy option. As are the cocktail lists that abound. They all say things like 'Mojito, Sex on the Beach, Piña Colada, Margarita' and yet no one really knows how to make them. I never see a single bartender with a shaker once and yet the list options make me feel like I'm in Fort Lauderdale for spring break. The boccadillos are also popular. They're just basically french bread with a variety of meats and cheeses on them and that's really it. Good after drinking mostly. The chorizo and other types of pork are really fresh and so good.

You can always tell the tourists because Spanish men are much smaller framed. When the Aryan-looking stockier and/or taller types walk in, one thinks German or American because they just look healthier. The Spanish smoke and drink a cafe con leche for breakfast.. not much in the way of nutrition there.

The bartender goes back to work and with his bracelets and tattoo he reminds me of a dj I knew in college. A girl should always know to stay away from both by policy.. but this one seems interesting anyway and I think I might have to move to the bar so I have more to write about later. Ahem.

The girls next to me have left but there isn't enough room next to me to fit the larger groups of guys that keep walking in, clearly lost. I hope I don't look depressed or like an obvious American journaling her way through her trip trying to be the next Anaïs Nin or Virginia Woolf, but it is a bit antisocial. I actually am a bit frustrated that I don't think I'm pushing myself enough and also disappointed that I know myself well enough that I guessed this would happen.

The bartender flirts or he's just bored. I can't tell. He takes a smoke break and I do finally move to the bar to join him for a chat. He's French - of course. No one is actually from here. They're all from somewhere else and biding their time. His name is Lork and when he finishes his break, he puts something like an amaretto sour in front of me on the house. He says it's a slow night for them and he has no plans after work. Not sure if that's an invitation or not.

Tuesday Night, Sept. 29th:

Um.. yes, for those inquiring minds, it was an invitation. The bartender from last night said I should meet him when they closed, so I did. He took me to a fairly secretive, but well-known bar called The Pipa Club. He knew most of the staff, we got one drink and left soon after. The boy didn't waste much time. Tho we were close, he wasn't much different than the typical commitment-phobic male - they're all the same, regardless of what culture they're from. He was clear about his policy of not getting attached, we had fun, and I knew I wouldn't see him again.

Today I slept until 2pm. Clearly I was up later with the bartender than I thought. I wandered to Sukūr to see if Giannis wanted to hang out possibly and between shifts, he took a break with me. We walked through the more popular streets for shopping in the Barri Gòtic that I hadn't discovered yet and took me directly to the La Seu Catedral, which was stunning.

He explained the government buildings in Plaça Sant Jaume; Palau de la Generalitat and on the other side, City Hall, both flanked by a lot of policia.

I walk him back to work eventually and kiss him goodbye. I do my own window-shopping when I find my way back to the areas we just walked thru and covet the amazing clothing and boots you'd never find in the states, but I don't buy anything but one blouse for work because I'm not yet sure what I want to spend my money on.

My hip gets me to head back to the apartment for a little siesta and I've rested for about an hour or so when the buzzer rings. Apparently, people will ring any apartment, even if they're not there to see you, just to get access. It's not a big deal there so then you just wait to see if the person is there for you. And this was Ben's friend, Simon - another Australian. We make a lot of small talk, he's there to borrow Ben's guitar, and he's covered in paint. He's heading back to Australia in November where his wife is already so he's repainting their flat before they go. (The unemployment is so high in Spain, if you have your resident card, the government will pay for your trip to go back to where you came from. Nice.) He writes and produces music full time and we go on about that stuff so long that we decide to get some food together since we were going to do that separately anyway. He has to meet a musician friend of his nearby so he takes me to Bahlia, a bar where he knows the staff and the beer is free because he's dj'd there before. He forgets I need food and then that comes up again so tipsy at that point, he takes me to La Ria around the corner, which seems divey but comforting. I like it.

Simon is super funny, a really nice guy and we discuss jobs, the Barcelona culture and society and then his friend shows up, Daniel, who's French. As in not Spanish. Shocker. They leave for about 15 minutes to do whatever music stuff they need to do, Simon comes back to keep me company afterwards and our conversation starts where we left off. We keep the wine coming because it's cheap and snack on the food we ordered: a small plate stacked with cheese, bread rubbed with tomato, patatas bravas that's fantastic, some omelette thing that tastes fishy to me and I can't stomach it.. and my favorite, pimientos de padron. These are a full plate of tiny little green peppers that you think are hot, but aren't really. They're simply cooked in olive oil and sea salt til wilty and you eat them right off the stem. The surprise is that once in a while, you'll get one with a kick, but mostly, that's not the case. They're fucking awesome. I feel like we just ate like kings for almost nothing.

While Simon had been gone, I wrote. There's a big table of kids near us celebrating someone's birthday, two men at the bar who look like delapidated sea captains, and another who looks like an old Jim Morrison. The birthday party is full of attractive women and men - all smoking and filling the table up with lots of empty bottles. The women are so pretty and they don't even try. Most wear little to no make up at all and they're gorgeous.

After food and conversation for a while after Simon returns, we're off to another bar, LP, for cocktails - because clearly a beer and ample wine isn't mixing alcohol enough for me. On the way, tho it's really beyond the bar, Simon was kind enough to walk me to Giannis' flat, but he didn't answer his phone or the door so we can't include him. Unfaltered by this, Simon and I continue our bar crawl, have a poorly made amaretto sour made by the bartender at LP who clearly didn't want us to stay because they were closing and then we went back to the first place, Bahlia, where we closed the bar down, smoked a joint, had another beer or two and called it good. Simon was awfully gracious to let me stop by Giannis' flat one more time just in case, but no answer so I gave up. Didn't want to be a stalker tho Simon kept me laughing about it the whole time.

Wednesday Sept. 30th:

I went to bed alone and drunk, but earlier than usual. Still woke up hungover today, but managed to get to the Musea Nacional D'Art de Catalunya with Emma, who was nice enough to invite me along with her.

Notes from Barcelona: Chapter 2 - Finding My Way

2009-10-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

Sunday, Sept. 27th:

First 48 hours here and it's fucking INSANE!

I'm out alone on a Sunday night because my hosts went to bed early due to work in the morning. Yawwwwn. Ben works at 9am and his girlfriend, Alex, works at 11am. Nice hours. I'm on my own only because I forced myself. There are tons of people out, including whole families with small children, so I couldn't exactly stay cooped up. It's terribly easy to get lost here so I've wandered around the block and felt nervous seeing the drug dealers at every corner. They're immigrants from Morocco and elsewhere I was told and they are endlessly aggressive trying to sell coke and hash to tourists or anyone else who bothers to look them in the eye and doesn't immediately ignore them and walk past. All I wanted was a glass of wine and to not feel so out of place.

I chose a pretty quiet bar compared to the raucous ones close to the apartment. Finding something divey and comfortable within which to write after midnight is difficult. I wandered through an open square still set up for live music for The Lady of Mercy festival - one of the biggest here and I arrived at the tail end of it. Plaça Reial is in the Barri Gòtic and a heavy tourist area. It was filled with people eating at the various places that surround three sides of the square and each had these assertive waiter/PR men outside holding out their menus. They're worse than the spritzer girl in a department store. It's a tourist-oriented city, much more than I ever thought, and the competition for your euro is fierce.

I've been talking to my bartender - a young Greek man who, when I asked how he was doing said, 'Awful,' so we got into a deep conversation of life and expenses and why we're both here. I have no idea, but I think this bar, Sukūr, is supposed to be Turkish or something to that effect. Looks like it's about 2am and the female manager is shutting the doors. She'd previously brought me a small plate of olives with my wine and they were really good tho the wine only so so, but a full glass, so down it went. I may be off to find late-night food elsewhere - my stomach isn't used to the late hours, but if I'm going to be up drinking, I have to eat something to absorb it all.

I didn't realize it's only 12:30am. They don't stay open as late as the other bars. My poor Greek boy informed me that tomorrow he's giving his notice and will get out of this job due to bad management. He doesn't care and thinks he'll find another job easily.

We talk about New York, where he says he's going eventually after his next year of marketing school here and has no idea how expensive it is to live there. We talk about Seattle and the rent I pay there. He asks if that's comparable to New York and I say, 'Uh.. no. Not even close.' I explain usually it's a lot more for a lot less. He asks about wages and I explain it's one state that allows restaurant owners to pay less than minimum wage for serving jobs due to tips. He's surprised. He had no idea.

He tells me his name but I have to ask a couple of times. He explains it's basically John in English. The manager brings me more olives after asking and answering for me if I need more. I ask if the man she's clearly familiar with by the way she's talking to him is her boyfriend. She says no, after a little laugh, and that it's her ex-boyfriend. Funny, they seem together and obviously he cares, but there's an interesting dynamic there.

Giannis offers to come out with me when he's off, which should be soon so I wait. He's a sweet guy, not unattractive, but not the typical for me. Not sure why he offered. He's not flirty, that's what I mean. But he tried to pour me another glass of wine after I paid for one.

He takes me to a bar called Polaroid. It's brightly colored and we walk thru a haze of cigarette smoke to get to a table. Random album covers are plastered on the walls. One strikes me as particularly odd: It's Bob Hope with a glass of milk called 'Siniesto total II (el regreso). It didn't matter what it meant. It was just weird. The back of the bar looks cool. The shelves I instantly recognize are in the shapes from Tetris. Giannis brings back a couple of beers for us, ordered us hot dogs of all things and we start talking.

Monday, Sept. 28th:

Wow, my Spanish is as bad as my handwriting. Completely sucks. Wandered to the place Ben took me to for food yesterday and managed to order tho only because the man attempted to speak English. I seriously couldn't survive here without knowing more. I'm kicking myself constantly for not learning Spanish when I had the chance. Why did I pick French?!

Man, the café con leche here is amazing. I have yet to master the three course lunch because I usually am only ready for breakfast by that time. Vacation has me up late til the wee hours and sleeping in lazily like there's nothing better to do.

I took the sweet Greek bartender home after we drank more than I thought I could. He reminded me I was here to have a good time.. and I did.. at least twice. Possibly seeing him again tonight, but going to enjoy the day.

The people-watching is great. More people than not have tattoos - lots of artwork. A lot of alternative youth, a lot of tourists. Not sure which one outnumbers the other.

Ben, my host, is down with a nasty cold. He tried to fight it this weekend, but he's definitely out hard today. The flat he rents is owned by another Australian and is huge. It can sleep 11 people if they needed. It was full with a married couple - she's Australian and he's Catalan, and her cousins. They've been in the city for 3 1/2 years and they know the owner of the flat. They're waiting for government paperwork to come thru so they can move back to Melbourne. Apparently Spain will pay for your way home if you're foreign.. or Australian. Can't remember which, but it sounds like they don't want you here regardless. The paperwork can take a long time as Emma told me, but it's free so they're waiting. Her cousins just left for Valencia today. Sweet boys - a little Aussie frat-like, but cool.

I wandered out to window shop and get some basics for the apartment and some orange juice for Ben. This area gets a lot of tourists. Some shop owners are familiar and nice, others are stand-offish and clearly resent you and the fact you don't communicate - not that they'd want to. I found a very popular shopping street, Carrer Ferran, that I hope to find again. Amazing clothes unlike I've ever seen. Spendy but so, so cool. The boots aren't bad either. Also not cheap.

The only problem with exploring all day is my body gives out earlier than I'd like. My hip aches a lot. The alleys are cobblestone and pavement. My new kicks I bought before I left are great - even without socks so no blisters (Yay!), but my hip - ugh - I want to rip my leg off and throw it in the fountain. But thinking of being out has me conflicted because I'm sleepy. Maybe I'll nap and then head out for some dinner and wine. Zzzzzz..

Notes from Barcelona: Chapter 1 - Getting There

2009-10-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

These will be unedited if I can do that.. and if they're any good because if they're not, there will probably be editing.. and because my handwriting completely sucks, I wrote sometimes in shortened hand and also mixed my tenses. I mean, let's be honest, we all knew my grammar wasn't perfect anyway considering how much of it I make up. So.

Friday, Sept. 25th:

First leg of trip to Barcelona - no idea the time, but wonder why the flight is still going and we're not in D.C. yet. Have to pee and on inside by window seat. Note to self: good idea on short flights like two hours - not so good on anything longer, especially after a full can of ginger ale. PS: Side note to Green Eyes - thanks for the ginger candy. Had one and in five minutes had no nausea from take off. Awesome! PPS: Candy says it's recommended for all kinds of activity and gives pictures of the following: boating, riding in a car, and flying - so for things like motion sickness. Next picture is someone holding a mic and another is running. Um.. seriously? You need Dramamine-like meds to mc or take a jog?! So confused. If you get that nauseous doing those things, you might want to take up different hobbies. Just saying.

Summary: United flight - on time. Me - barely. Security - ? Hellishly slow and long. Made the flight, but no time for magazine or coffee buying. Sigh. Tv/movie entertainment - divided. At first, good. Headphones in the front flap already. Yay for free headphones! Played an episode of Parks and Recreation, which was random and funny. Then the movie, Easy Virtue, which I wanted to see anyway. Decently entertaining. Love Colin Firth tho he's a little under-used. And then they went to reality tv.. which, ok fine. Go for it.. but maybe like Survivor or Amazing Race or something.. but this was a new one and had to be the worst one ever: Groomer Has It?! Dog groomers being put to the test just like Project Runway or Top Model - but you know.. WITH LIVE DOGS as ~~victims~~ canvases. What. The. Fuck. And honey, puh-lease dial up the drama.. good God. They make every challenge this personal thing based on a father/mother/lover with cancer/AIDS/cares too much (not in that order - and making the last one up) who died or drank themselves to death - and truly I kept the headphones off til near the end and it was just as INSANE as I thought. I mean, they live in a residence labeled The Dog House for chrissakes and Jai from Queer Eye is the host. Sweet, sweet boy, but when he has to send the loser home, it's 'So and So, you've been clipped.' Really? They couldn't think of anything better? It's sooo trying too hard and from Queer Eye, this was a reasonable promotion?!

I got sleepy after the movie and actually got a few winks plus a crick (?) in my neck to go with it. Putting jacket against window for pillow = no help and can't get back to sleep.

Yay! Prepping to land! Finally! First stop: Restroom. Second stop: Deodorant. I think nervousness that I wouldn't make it this morning got the best of me. Might as well spare my next neighbors on the longer leg to Copenhagen. And then later, turbulence. Hi - that's scary. Had a few minutes I thought of all those I loved, gruesome scenarios and whatnot - then it subsided. Phew!

End note: Nearing airport. No sign of any political buildings. Damn. Was hoping to see the Pentagon. The woman next to me said we came into the wrong airport for that. Poop.

***********************

Second flight: Onwards to Copenhagen - LOOOOONG! I couldn't figure out why I wasn't tired when they turned out the lights in the cabin. Uh.. helllooo?! For me it was only 7:30pm. SAS isn't too big on the friendly either. They pretend well, but they're airline soldiers for sure. I thought the steward was going to swipe the blanket right off of me if I didn't put it away before we landed. He was really gruff about it. Seriously? What's a blanket going to harm if I keep it on my lap? I'm not going to steal the germ-infested thing. And then the stewardess uprighted the seat FOR me because it wasn't quite all the way up when I thought it was. She didn't say anything and just did it for me like I was 12 and mentally disabled. Um.. rude much?

The movies improved and so did the food. Watched Wolverine, Star Trek (already seen and still fantastic), The Soloist - good - and then the Plane Camera channel! Supercool when above the clouds!

Sat next to a really nice guy going to play professional basketball in Estonia. Didn't seem super tall, but cool guy nonetheless.

I've eaten my nails down to nothing - hangnails everywhere because I couldn't bring my file or nail clippers. I'm looking a paler version than when I started this morning and by my time now, we'll take off at 11:20pm. It's 8:20am here. I feel like I want coffee, but my body feels really conflicty about that. Also, buzz kill: just saw a man with a baby get on the flight. Ugh. Never a good sign when you're on the last leg. I did get the first stamp in the passport at the Copenhagen airport and I smiled and brightly said thank you and the Passport Stamp Man couldn't care less. Whatever. I was happy.

Also also? The Copenhagen airport is soooo nice! I've never seen an airport with rich, dark brown hardwood flooring everywhere. So modern looking. Everything is so posh and looks like I just walked into a more upscale IKEA.

Lame part: Had to go thru security again. Since going thru security prior to getting on the international flight, what illegal items could you have picked up between arriving in Copenhagen and that 10 hour flight?

Annoying part: The cafes will take your euros or American cash, however, if you pay in cash, they'll give you crowns back in change. Is Scandinavia not part of the European union? Or is the Copenhagen airport some sort of transcontinental Purgatory? I saved myself the problem and paid with my debit card.

Best part: Got the bulk amount of euros for Spain there, which was the best idea ever that I thought of myself (thank you). It saved me the concern of doing it at a questionable and sketchy ATM anywhere in Barcelona where I was warned of pickpockets and riffraff of that nature. Yay me!

Now - off to Spain! Also? Shorter flight than I thought. BONUS! Two hours and 25 minutes.

***********************

Two hours in: Sooooooooooooooo beyond tired. And I think the captain misspoke. I don't think we're landing in 25 minutes. Ugh. Checked time. Home is now at 1:26am. I've been up for 21 hours straight and smell like it. My contacts are threatening mutiny.

Homecoming

2009-10-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

800 pictures later, I'm back from Barcelona, overwhelmed with work and hellloooo.. new fall tv! How am I supposed to catch you all up when my dvr was chock full of goodness? I ask you. I mean, have you seen FlashForward?! Sooo good. And also? One of my college theater alums landed himself a great sitcom, Modern Family. He plays the father of the teenage daughter in that show. High-larious!

Seriously tho, it's been uber busy since I've been back and a little emotional because I think I thought something would change when I returned. I wonder if I was really running away from the last six months and expected something to change once I walked in my front door again, but what? Was I supposed to magically be healed and forget my broken heart? Kinda, I think. I guess I expected to finally let it all go and of course thoughts of my ex sometimes clouded my thoughts in Spain and came rushing back once I was home. It didn't ruin my trip, didn't keep me from moving forward, but it's still there. A little frustrating.

Overall, the trip was fantastic, adventures were had, people were met, hilarity ensued - including a large bump on my head, which is still healing (good story, that.). It was really good for me to take the trip on my own and rely solely on myself to get thru day to day. I'm proud of myself even if I knew that sometimes I didn't always push myself and I had at least one pretty bad breakdown at the airport on the way home. When you miss check in for three flights by only five minutes because the taxi driver dropped you off at the wrong terminal and the right one is five miles away and there's a pretty extreme language barrier communicating with all the necessary people and all you can say in your head is FUCK over and over.. yeah.. YOU try not losing it and crying all over people when you think the best idea is to shell out a grand for another entirely different ticket home. That was the lamest part, but I learned a very valuable lesson and will never do that again for sure. So, take it from me: ALWAYS check in the night before.

I have tons of pictures to upload and I'm finally done editing them.. so you'll see my journal entries soon, after I catch up on the necessary sleep and vegging from the stress at work via tv numbness and more importantly, catch up with friends in person. I so missed my peeps. It's great to travel the world (ok, one country.. whatever) and be excited about meeting new people and making new friends, but nothing comes close to seeing familiar faces who mean the world to you. Nothing.

Patience kittens.. back soon! Mwah!