It's easy to feel the glow from the city when it's like this. Or maybe I've noticed that the Cute Boy Gate has officially been opened as far as I can tell even if it's been a bit of a rough start this year romantically. From one guy who led me on until finally saying I was just ‛fun' to the most recent guy who, after nine days together (NINE, people..), expected us to continue being inseparable because that's how we began. Seriously, who has that kind of time?! And, as I thought might happen, my feelings were squashed by the concept of something too instantaneous and the fact we didn't take the time to get to know each other. And when the guy in between started out sizzling but turned downright arctic in practically minutes, my confusion amplified, especially when he completely vaporized without explanation. That one stung because I thought he was actually a friend. Crappy realization that was.
Four months into the year and I seem to be racking up the discards. At least one was a poor decision, but the others.. well ok.. maybe they weren't the best decisions either, but every opportunity deserves the benefit of the doubt in order to know if it's filled with hope or.. well.. doubt. And then out of no where the sun breaks through the clouds, lightens our outlook and the weight on our psyches and a new and attractive prospect falls in our lap. A slightly ginger prospect, a year older even and one who so far gets the concept of pacing, chemistry AND real connection (and not just the horizontal kind.. tho that's rather mind blowing too.. ahem).
But asking for pace requires patience and some effort on my part to remain a bit detached even if I'm enjoying our time together. It's not terribly difficult, but it's not easy either. I mean, I am me.. and who doesn't get excited about meeting someone new with whom you click? That said, it's not making me crazy if I don't hear from him for a day or two either. Could it possibly be I'm starting something the right way for once? Did you just knock on something wooden? Because I did. You should too. Just in case.
One might think with this entry into being 40 I'm finally figuring out how relationships should work and evolve and yet the beardless youth think I'm more their age than my own. I'm really not supposed to be a cougar, I swear. I have a youthful face and an energetic nature and I'm not going to apologize for either, but it can lead to complications. Take the other cute boy I'm dating who is just that.. a boy. Of 25. True story. I'll give you a second to do the math. Doo doo do doo.. Oh, not mathy either? Fine. He's 15 years younger. FIF-TEEN. Do you need a minute to recover? Because, even I'll admit, that's a little cray-cray... because 25 year olds? Um.. super cute and all, but they're a teensy bit.. um.. what's the word? Oh yeah. Young. Oh he's sweet and a good guy and has somewhat limited life experience, which in and of itself isn't the complicated part. I mean, for an old lady like myself the attention is really flattering - not to mention how often he tells me he thinks I'm sexy - but from the beginning, he knew that I was cautious because of his age and because I really like the other guy I'm seeing even if that relationship isn't exclusive right now. And because I do have a conscience, it feels a little like I'm leading him on even though I've been honest and clear with him. Still, for his meager years, that boy certainly knows how to lay a kiss on a girl that makes her knees weak. So I don't think we're meant for each other and this probably isn't a surprise to him, but I shouldn't let it go on much longer.
It's a perk of casual dating to be able to be open to other people if they so happen to come along and spring seems to be one of those seasons where that often happens for me. I'm certainly not immune to the weather changes here and my serotonin and Vitamin D levels peak just like everyone else's once we get a week's worth of steady sunshine. And duh, it's easier to feel more attractive when you're smiling. So when you meet another new someone you're quickly drawn to who's easy on the eyes AND provides witty banter and has um.. really nice arms and pretty blue eyes while you're at a friend's potluck and the sun is setting.. yeah, I'm glad I'm not monogamous with one person per se. Possibility hangs in the air even if nothing actually happens, but it's freeing to know if something did, you wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I'm grateful at the moment not to feel that uncontrollable longing for one person who doesn't seem sure about me yet. It's actually nice to be in the same place emotionally or uh, unemotionally (?) but still enjoying being in the moment and the time we spend together. The magic of that is the spark you have might just turn a corner one way or another and maybe at the same time which could mean something amazing and life-changing or something that was really fun and lovely, but short-lived. As long as the latter doesn't feel negative, I'm ok with that.
I'm alone, but not lonely. I feel a little Thoreau-like these days - content in my solitude when I get it, though, let's be honest, I'm not isolated in the middle of the woods either. I'm a pretty social being, but I'm not uncomfortable if I don't have plans of some kind and end up on my own. Sometimes, I prefer it. Of course, the frequent male attention has been particularly nice, I'll admit. But how can I not get a kick out of enjoying my own company? I find little things to entertain myself at the gym in my head to pass the time and the fact that I'm there working out my body regularly these days rather than sitting on the couch inspires me and makes me feel proud. I'm learning to spin poi (as in fire spinning for those of you non-burners who don't know what that is) and the intricacy of learning a new skill that has the potential to amaze is pretty fucking awesome. The goal is to work with real poi and light them up next week. If I don't light myself on fire, I'll let you all know. Hell, I'll write about it even if I do. And the show I'm working on is winding down, but I've made a positive impression now and feel like I'll be working when I want to on good projects with good people. Even that ego-driven side has shown to have generated some genuine kinships.
So raise a glass of sangria or a cup of gelato in my name and celebrate the glory of spring because you should. You really, really should. Get out and breathe in the flower-filled air, find the magic and hope in the sexy spark of someone new and relish the fact you're learning how to prevent from getting burned in the process.. finally. At least until you throw some lit poi into the mix. Or is that just me? Stand by with a wet towel just in case, yeah?
