I'm Sick So This Is What You Get..

nataliedee.com

It's Thursday night. I've spent the last two days home sick with this reigning supreme being that is this cold, which has been kicking my ass and possibly turned into the flu today but realized, finally, it's met its match while watching three straight episodes of LOST and is now cowardly making its retreat - or so I'm gathering by my head being much less woozy and nose being a tad less sniffly and stuffy.. but who knows really? It could be changing strategy and planning a comeback. Tho I finally have some stronger vitamins after a very sweet and convincing call from dear old mom that I only needed 2000 mg of Vitamin C to kick it to the curb so there I was buying some like she told me - who knows when the last time I did something she suggested was.. 1987? But she's been unusually motherly regarding her mouth-like-a-sailor daughter. I think there was a little too much tear-jerking over my broken-heart story. I should make a mint when Lifetime comes to buy it if Mom's concern is any sign.

So I don't know about the rest of you.. but God, I was tired of seeing that sappy post. Don't get me wrong.. I'm all heart-on-my-sleeve still. That will never change. Sometimes you have to reveal everything to get a sense of closure on the whole mess. At least I do. But the right decision was made for Boris and me and it should've stayed made the first time I made it back in December. And there's a lot of reasons I naively hoped for something different than what I was allowing myself.. but that's my doing.. and I blame no one else for that. Boris and I will eventually figure out where we are in our own lives and how we fit in each other's and the friendship will find its way back to the Not Awkward Place one day, I'm sure. Hopefully soon.

Til then.. you're stuck with me and these sort of inane posts about..... wait for it...... How People Find Me Online! Yes! I knew you were dying for it. I know it piques my curiosity. How can it not pique yours? That's rhetorical.. don't answer that.

17 Feb, Sun, 21:54:51 Google: things to do in seattle on spring break
18 Feb, Mon, 01:14:27 Google: miss devylish
18 Feb, Mon, 16:01:46 Google: poem i deserve more
18 Feb, Mon, 17:01:47 Google: miss devylish
18 Feb, Mon, 20:43:38 Google: 3D
18 Feb, Mon, 21:30:57 Google: 3A
18 Feb, Mon, 21:48:59 Google: how to get asked for a second date
18 Feb, Mon, 22:52:04 Google: miss devylish
19 Feb, Tue, 08:04:51 Yahoo: miss devylish
19 Feb, Tue, 09:26:15 Google: things to see and do in seattle washington in february 2008
19 Feb, Tue, 14:20:29 Yahoo: miss devylish
19 Feb, Tue, 14:30:37 Google: Love poems, xoxo
19 Feb, Tue, 14:51:01 Google: Cuts on Lips from scissors what should we do?
20 Feb, Wed, 06:52:55 Google: treena diebold
20 Feb, Wed, 07:37:35 Google: you deserve poem love
20 Feb, Wed, 08:11:18 Yahoo: miss devylish
20 Feb, Wed, 10:44:55 Google: seattle things to do Feb 21 to 24
21 Feb, Thu, 20:35:56 Google: lips cut off
21 Feb, Thu, 20:52:36 Google: i want to be needed poem

Clearly you can see that Google is by far winning the search-engine race over Yahoo. What? An attempted Microsoft buyout?? Watch Yahoo dispel that giant like the little David it is with it's mighty slingshot! I give them kudos for that. And Yahoo gets at least 2 out of every 20 searches by my testing alone so working that out.. um.. I think that equals a fraction of some kind and I can already feel my stomach tightening up over the math.. ow. Nevermind.

At least some people are looking for me specifically.. nothing curious there. It's a nice ego boost from my established four or five fans who clearly.. uh.. don't have me bookmarked..

The 3D and 3A always make me a little confused as to how little you have to put into a search engine to actually find me. I'm not even right on top. Like.. honestly, I tested the searching and after page seven was a little bored with all the not me that was there. And if you're looking for 3D or 3A.. wouldn't you have stopped by then to see what you were really looking for rather than continuing onto oh.. page 23 and randomly finding me? Actually.. I didn't even look that far. I bet I'm much further back than that.

The poem search brings back my little wishful thinking love poem I came home and wrote in about five minutes after a long conversation with Boris where I'd told him I wanted most of those things eventually. It was more a declaration of what I thought I deserved and honestly, just what I think is reasonable if you're going to be in it at all. And during this month of February, the loathed Valentine's holiday I run screaming from when single and canoodle like an idiot the one time I've been part of a couple, it's kind of nice to see the post come up. Solidarity to all my unrequited brothers and sisters of love out there yo!

There is the token 'treena' search.. because I mention my beloved friend, ammogirl, plenty.. however, nothing is better than the one I sent her a while back when someone was just looking for 'treena's boobs' or something to that effect. I mean.. really. You've reached your top level of blogging fame when someone is searching for the naughty parts of you, no? And really, the girl has a pretty amazing rack, if you want my honest opinion, so who can blame you dirty mongrels out there? I pass no judgement.

While looking for the answers for securing that coveted second date, there are constant referrals back to me for the one post I didn't write about how not to get it. Of course, while I was out galavanting in the faux Nevada desert at Burning Man, Indi guested and wrote a pretty phenomenal man's man piece - pun intended - that doesn't mince words and continually brings the readers back to my whiny girl chatter when they clearly want to hear what he's got to say. I don't mind.. I'm not jealous.. I only admire. And the guy calls me 'babes' when he comments. I don't know what it is about him, but I like it.

My biggest concern are those looking to the internet to treat something that should be a call to 911 or a quick drive to the nearest emergency room. 'Cuts on lips from scissors what do we do?' Um.. are you thinking duct tape could do the trick? Seriously? HOSPITAL, people.. NOW! Helloooo.. Are you new?! Nevermind. I know the answer. Put down the scissors and get into this car because it's obvious no one else is doing anything and you are sitting there BLEEDING TO DEATH because you're too busy surfing the internet for a BANDAGE! For the love of Pete.. you must be delusional from the blood loss since you're STILL SITTING THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER DOING NOTHING. AAAGH.. You people are killing me.. really..

Alright.. that's it for tonight. I know, you're shocked. A five-minute read and I'm done? Never happens. But I feel this flu saying goodbye and I could use at least a full five hours of good sleep sans snot.. Plus, I realized today that I have a pretty maddening crush on my director of the art festival gala who will be going by Eight cuz there may be mention of him more, but the point is I already know my subconscious is going to leave me very frustrated by morning..

Sweet dreams, kittens!

Same Old Crash And Burn Story

It's not yet spring and I feel the obsessive-compulsive in me gearing up to clear out the clutter in various places. Break ups will do that to you. Make you take stock, reevaluate, reorganize.. because now I need to sleep with the extra down throw on the bed, I can't open a whole bottle of wine because I won't drink it all, I won't be spending as much money on groceries for special things or dinners out, I'll have more time in the evening so I can go to the gym then instead of rushing during lunch in order to have the evening free. I can pout all I want. I don't have to be nice to everyone. I don't have to talk. Things like errands and cleaning don't have to be put off. I can listen to a lot of female singer/songwriter music that compels me to keep tissue by my laptop as I type..

I saw it in his face that weekend.. the lack of spark. Dull. Flat when he said he had doubts. Cold when he said he'd like it to be over now. Unlike me. Calm at first, looking anywhere but at him, feeling my words attempt to make sense then waver somewhere around irrational and then stop because I realized I wasn't making sense and there was nothing left to say anyway. I was also fresh out of shine and sass. Out of energy because I'd given him everything I could possibly think of.. my body, my heart, my mind, possibly some self-worth thrown in when trying to figure out why sometimes, very few times in my opinion, we weren't meshing. I didn't understand where these doubts were coming from but I could see he was annoyed with me at times and I didn't know what that was about. It was never explained and I sensed that day, maybe it didn't have to be. I've been annoyed. It just means you don't want it. You don't want them. You are being suffocated no matter how much space they're giving you. You don't feel it.

So in this case, I saw that's where he was. Nothing I could do about that. No way I could force it, nothing I could say to convince otherwise.. even by reminding him of the beginnings, the chemistry, how much laughter, how strong our connection.. but even I noticed that somewhere it changed, morphed into something not so new.. old hat, old dog.. older tricks.. less sparkle. Whatever we were, whatever I was before that day didn't hold any weight for some reason.

He stopped letting me in at some point tho I naively thought it would just take a little more time.. but still, we were close. We'd spend a few evenings in a row together and couldn't get enough of each other and it was easy and fun. And then there were the tiffs - one for every month I think we've been romantically involved. Is that bad? Is that a lot? Don't other people have different issues? So we had some misunderstandings, there was a communication difference. It wasn't a gap that couldn't be bridged.. unless of course one just didn't want to try.

So in a three-day window we went from unsure and in limbo to let's just be happy and have a good night together where there was nothing but open minds, productive conversation, sensual kisses, giggling and that damn chemistry that's going to be the death of me to some point the next morning where I wasn't moving fast enough for him and he seemed oddly irritated..

When he finally started to explain over coffee and it started to sink in, I felt my face getting warm and unsure if I should sit there and be civil or just walk out abruptly like I felt like doing. What is the appropriate reaction when someone breaks up your non-identified relationship with you while you're both sitting at Starbucks anyway? Is there even something to break up? And then what do you say when he says how great a time he had the night before - really great - and he'd like more nights like that with you, but maybe once every couple of weeks.....?

Let me get this straight - there was a pretty magnetic seven months of flirting and being just friends and confusing phone calls that frustrated me, two months of actual labeled dating, and another two months of this non-labeled complication with no couple implication or official relationship status because I simply wanted to be with him and talked myself into accepting that it was good enough. My heart denied protection and even with that obvious vulnerability I asked nothing of him except for some of his time and for him to be present when spending that time with me.. and after all that, he wanted to offer me LESS than what I was getting? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Yeah, it was awesome. And by awesome I mean sucked ass because the best part was that we both had planned on participating in our country's political process and had our separate caucuses to attend.. about 20 minutes after this whole conversation where we just sort of ended up quiet because neither of us knew what else to say. So we parted - him feeling guilty and awkward and me feeling numb, confused, and angry and hoping I wouldn't completely lose it around oh.. HUNDREDS of strangers.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER.. Obama clearly had most of the state and that was all well and good, however, we should really look into the time this process takes. Who do I email to get that moving a tad faster?? Good God. It was like watching paint dry. There I am, heart all open-woundy, sitting in a grade school gymnasium, trying to hold it together, and doing a crappy job at it. Poor Shine had to console me when she'd been so excited to attend her first democratic caucus. But I left her with a neighborly fan club who nominated her as a delegate while I went home to assess my damage and lick wounds.

I've had vulnerable points this last week - even had a first date in a flagrant attempt to coerce that damn horse to allow me back on way too soon. And tho yes, of course that was probably stupid, you might be surprised to know it actually was a good (albeit over-intoxicating) date with a second one that even got so far as planned and cemented.. and then he had a crisis of consciousness and realized he was still dealing with something too. God.. I hate timing. I hate that it matters so much. And I hate that it takes so much of it in order to let someone go.

There was even an opportunity to fall back into something casual Saturday night while celebrating Kat's birthday out on the town. Raphael tried very hard to intrigue me into letting him come home with me and with his gorgeous body, a sweet, lingering kiss, and a very tender "I miss you, baby," whispered in my ear, I admit, it crossed my mind at how easy it would be to make a decision based on just wanting to feel wanted for a while. He's a gentle heart tho and I'm still shocked that I'm not drawn to him like I wish I was, but I can't involve someone else in my recovery. Things get messy very quickly when I've done that and I feel like an ass at the end for being so selfish. So despite his best efforts, I said my goodnights to everyone and made my way home alone.

The wagons are circled now. It's back to spending time with good friends who remind me whose loss this really is, what I really deserve, how strong and awesome I am, and allow me their shoulders during my weak moments when I'm wallowing in the quicksand of self-pity. I also have lots to do so it's not like I don't have distraction. The upcoming art festival gala is keeping me busy and another actor acquaintance just asked me to produce his next show that's set to go up at the end of March. So there is plenty to focus on.. it's just a matter of compartmentalizing - the thing that men are so good at. How do they master that? Is there a class I can take? Because seriously, that would be a really beneficial skill for all the girls like me prone to wearing our stupid hearts on our sleeves.. Or maybe I just need some really strong emotional tape. Just wrap that baby up in some sort of industrialized bubble wrap..

Now if I could just figure that one out, I'd make a fortune..

50 New Things About Me

I thought it might be nice for a list. There is so much going on right now and honestly, I'm a bit open-woundy. If I wrote a real post, it would probably be crap and self-pitying and blahblahblah.. and who wants that? So I actually thought there might might be more things you'd like to know about me.. just in case you were wondering.. in case you wanted to send me gifts.. like wine.. or money.. or true love holding a bottle of wine and wrapped in money.. tho that might be a difficult one to send thru the mail these days. But throw in some styrofoam peanuts and no one would be the wiser..

Anyway..

50 New Things About Me

1. I'm stage managing the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. What?! You're asking yourself.. and just spit all over your monitor.. but it's true. It's performance based - and no, I don't mean sex in public tho that would probably sell more tickets - but it's going to be a kick-ass party at the Seattle Center that I'm helping to put together and run so click on the banner over on the right and see for yourself. Yours truly is going to be busy this month.

2. I do this under-bite thing with my mouth when I'm concentrating on things like making coffee in the morning and trying to wake up. It feels oddly comforting.

3. I close my eyes when I brush my teeth.

4. My paternal grandmother only had one thumb. She lost the other to.. um.. something I can't remember.. cancer maybe.. before I was born. It doesn't seem like a big deal unless of course you can manage without a thumb. Try it. It's hard. I always thought she was extra amazing because of that.

5. I know every word of 'The Breakfast Club' by heart.

6. I don't balance a checkbook.

7. I don't have a savings account.

8. I do have a 401k. Yay me!

9. I am not good with money overall.. clearly.

10. I am good at spending it.

11. Shine sings to my cat, Emma.. something about finding something to rhyme with her name, which is a dilemma.. It cracks me up.

12. I sing when I drive.

13. I stop singing when stopped at a traffic light or in slow traffic. I don't want people to see me and think what a dork I am because I'm singing.

14. I love the smell of lavender.

15. I recently bought my first ever tube of wrinkle cream. Laugh lines, you know..

16. I floss before I brush. I heard it from a morning dj whose wife is a dentist.

17. I've read poems in two weddings, been a bridesmaid in another and was the maid of honor in three, the last one of which was my mom's.

18. I have four nieces and one nephew and another unknown on the way - none of whom are related to me at all other than the fact their mothers are my very best friends in the whole world.

19. For a theatre major, I'm the first one to hate charades and the last one to get up and karaoke - unless I've been drinking and I just get it out of the way. Then you can hardly hold me back - like many people witnessed last weekend during Shine's birthday.

20. I love English history - particularly anything to do with or around the time of Queen Elizabeth I.

21. Solace is my favorite word. Tho cake was running neck and neck.

22. Periwinkle is my favorite color.

23. I see the days of the week in my head in this sort of horizontal oval that my imagination moves around depending on which day I'm thinking of, planning for, etc..

24. Yeah, that day of the week thing is a little weird, I'll admit.

25. I've never broken a bone in my life.

26. I've never been hospitalized.

27. I voted for Obama in the caucus.

28. We have a pretty big and important caucus here in Washington state.

29. The caucus jokes never get any less funny to me.

30. I really can't drive the speed limit. Way too slow.

31. I can't take long drives without getting sleepy after about 90 minutes.

32. I get sea sick on ferry boats.

33. I dream in color.

34. I used to have a mad crush on Gene Kelly.

35. Now I have a madder crush on Jon Stewart.

36. I sort of want an iPhone.

37. I really need a new career. The current one isn't cutting it at all.

38. I sort of dream of selling flowers. Who doesn't like to see the flower delivery person? Seriously..

39. I'm the worst procrastinator in the world. You should see my room.. still things on the floor from Burning Man last September. Ugh.

40. Clutter in the rest of the house kind of stresses me out.

41. That's because I think I'm slightly OCD - just not where my bedroom is concerned.

42. I don't like our upstairs neighbors.

43. I like our landlord even less.

44. Shine and I are probably going to move in the next few months.

45. I'm in love with someone who never deserved me and has broken my heart for the last time.

46. For someone who talks a lot, apparently, I'm really not that great at communicating.

47. And for working best with direct, I have to really work at not being passive-aggressive sometimes.

48. I feel like I have so much to work on in order to be a better me.. and that I never seem to get very far.

49. But I made two new friends in January.

50. That seems like progress to me..