Same Old Crash And Burn Story

It's not yet spring and I feel the obsessive-compulsive in me gearing up to clear out the clutter in various places. Break ups will do that to you. Make you take stock, reevaluate, reorganize.. because now I need to sleep with the extra down throw on the bed, I can't open a whole bottle of wine because I won't drink it all, I won't be spending as much money on groceries for special things or dinners out, I'll have more time in the evening so I can go to the gym then instead of rushing during lunch in order to have the evening free. I can pout all I want. I don't have to be nice to everyone. I don't have to talk. Things like errands and cleaning don't have to be put off. I can listen to a lot of female singer/songwriter music that compels me to keep tissue by my laptop as I type..

I saw it in his face that weekend.. the lack of spark. Dull. Flat when he said he had doubts. Cold when he said he'd like it to be over now. Unlike me. Calm at first, looking anywhere but at him, feeling my words attempt to make sense then waver somewhere around irrational and then stop because I realized I wasn't making sense and there was nothing left to say anyway. I was also fresh out of shine and sass. Out of energy because I'd given him everything I could possibly think of.. my body, my heart, my mind, possibly some self-worth thrown in when trying to figure out why sometimes, very few times in my opinion, we weren't meshing. I didn't understand where these doubts were coming from but I could see he was annoyed with me at times and I didn't know what that was about. It was never explained and I sensed that day, maybe it didn't have to be. I've been annoyed. It just means you don't want it. You don't want them. You are being suffocated no matter how much space they're giving you. You don't feel it.

So in this case, I saw that's where he was. Nothing I could do about that. No way I could force it, nothing I could say to convince otherwise.. even by reminding him of the beginnings, the chemistry, how much laughter, how strong our connection.. but even I noticed that somewhere it changed, morphed into something not so new.. old hat, old dog.. older tricks.. less sparkle. Whatever we were, whatever I was before that day didn't hold any weight for some reason.

He stopped letting me in at some point tho I naively thought it would just take a little more time.. but still, we were close. We'd spend a few evenings in a row together and couldn't get enough of each other and it was easy and fun. And then there were the tiffs - one for every month I think we've been romantically involved. Is that bad? Is that a lot? Don't other people have different issues? So we had some misunderstandings, there was a communication difference. It wasn't a gap that couldn't be bridged.. unless of course one just didn't want to try.

So in a three-day window we went from unsure and in limbo to let's just be happy and have a good night together where there was nothing but open minds, productive conversation, sensual kisses, giggling and that damn chemistry that's going to be the death of me to some point the next morning where I wasn't moving fast enough for him and he seemed oddly irritated..

When he finally started to explain over coffee and it started to sink in, I felt my face getting warm and unsure if I should sit there and be civil or just walk out abruptly like I felt like doing. What is the appropriate reaction when someone breaks up your non-identified relationship with you while you're both sitting at Starbucks anyway? Is there even something to break up? And then what do you say when he says how great a time he had the night before - really great - and he'd like more nights like that with you, but maybe once every couple of weeks.....?

Let me get this straight - there was a pretty magnetic seven months of flirting and being just friends and confusing phone calls that frustrated me, two months of actual labeled dating, and another two months of this non-labeled complication with no couple implication or official relationship status because I simply wanted to be with him and talked myself into accepting that it was good enough. My heart denied protection and even with that obvious vulnerability I asked nothing of him except for some of his time and for him to be present when spending that time with me.. and after all that, he wanted to offer me LESS than what I was getting? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Yeah, it was awesome. And by awesome I mean sucked ass because the best part was that we both had planned on participating in our country's political process and had our separate caucuses to attend.. about 20 minutes after this whole conversation where we just sort of ended up quiet because neither of us knew what else to say. So we parted - him feeling guilty and awkward and me feeling numb, confused, and angry and hoping I wouldn't completely lose it around oh.. HUNDREDS of strangers.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER.. Obama clearly had most of the state and that was all well and good, however, we should really look into the time this process takes. Who do I email to get that moving a tad faster?? Good God. It was like watching paint dry. There I am, heart all open-woundy, sitting in a grade school gymnasium, trying to hold it together, and doing a crappy job at it. Poor Shine had to console me when she'd been so excited to attend her first democratic caucus. But I left her with a neighborly fan club who nominated her as a delegate while I went home to assess my damage and lick wounds.

I've had vulnerable points this last week - even had a first date in a flagrant attempt to coerce that damn horse to allow me back on way too soon. And tho yes, of course that was probably stupid, you might be surprised to know it actually was a good (albeit over-intoxicating) date with a second one that even got so far as planned and cemented.. and then he had a crisis of consciousness and realized he was still dealing with something too. God.. I hate timing. I hate that it matters so much. And I hate that it takes so much of it in order to let someone go.

There was even an opportunity to fall back into something casual Saturday night while celebrating Kat's birthday out on the town. Raphael tried very hard to intrigue me into letting him come home with me and with his gorgeous body, a sweet, lingering kiss, and a very tender "I miss you, baby," whispered in my ear, I admit, it crossed my mind at how easy it would be to make a decision based on just wanting to feel wanted for a while. He's a gentle heart tho and I'm still shocked that I'm not drawn to him like I wish I was, but I can't involve someone else in my recovery. Things get messy very quickly when I've done that and I feel like an ass at the end for being so selfish. So despite his best efforts, I said my goodnights to everyone and made my way home alone.

The wagons are circled now. It's back to spending time with good friends who remind me whose loss this really is, what I really deserve, how strong and awesome I am, and allow me their shoulders during my weak moments when I'm wallowing in the quicksand of self-pity. I also have lots to do so it's not like I don't have distraction. The upcoming art festival gala is keeping me busy and another actor acquaintance just asked me to produce his next show that's set to go up at the end of March. So there is plenty to focus on.. it's just a matter of compartmentalizing - the thing that men are so good at. How do they master that? Is there a class I can take? Because seriously, that would be a really beneficial skill for all the girls like me prone to wearing our stupid hearts on our sleeves.. Or maybe I just need some really strong emotional tape. Just wrap that baby up in some sort of industrialized bubble wrap..

Now if I could just figure that one out, I'd make a fortune..