Making [A New] History

Part of the reason I enjoyed writing about my trip to Barcelona (which, by the way.. STILL not done and I haven't even gotten to the part about missing my homebound plane! Sigh..) is because I had stuff to write about. I mean, a whole trip! Like 11 days of walking and site seeing and taking in really really old stuff. Picasso and churches and street performers and people from all over the world.. It was an adventure. My adventure. And my first one completely solo at that. Also? I wrote it all down while I was there so when I came back? Instant blog posts. Score! I knew what I would write about because I had pages filled with a kajillion words of introspective crap and all these very interesting observations about everything that make me sound so.. well.. observant. I mean, that's what you're doing when you're people-watching at bars. And drinking a lot. You think you're much cooler than you are. All Jack Kerouac and Anaïs Nin or something.. Very poet-y, but minus the cigarettes and threesomes and really more wide-eyed innocence than anything else. Ok.. I wasn't so innocent. Fine.

I could be someone no one knew over there.. tho, yes, the American amidst more worldly ex-pats, but still, I was among them and I could glean and take it in all spongy like. It was sexy, it was fun, it was spontaneous and unknown.. and also, kind of lonely. But, when I was alone, I tried to be ok in the alone-ness and it's easier when you can sort of blend into the scenery.. even if you stand out like a tourist. I was in a tourist city so no one cared.. and tho at times, I was still intimidated and nervous about being completely on my own for so long, I had no one to answer to, could dally for hours if I wanted to just breathing in the smell of a 12th century church and wondering if God existed because the history of it all just ached of possibility.

And I talked to strangers, made some friends, but my little journal - that was actually a recipe notebook I found out later.. um.. yeah.. I suggest knowing a teensy wee bit of Spanish if you take a trip to SPAIN.. hellooo.. I'm just saying - was my outlet. And please - my handwriting? Ouch. So bad. I used to have really pretty handwriting. More than that, I used to LOVE writing itself. It was so therapeutic and I'd write for hours in my diary when I was younger, I'd write angsty poetry (hey, some of it was pretty good) til my hand cramped. But I didn't bring my laptop to Barcelona because I didn't want it stolen or have it weigh me down and tho typing feels clearer for my thoughts, is a lot faster and allows me to edit more cleanly, the journal was all I had. I only needed a pen and I could be in a bar where I knew no one and still have something to keep me occupied and would exercise my brain.


It's different being back home now. I probably have one more extra long post about Spain before I'm done, but the holidays came up, things got in the way of finishing.. and there isn't so much adventure. Trying to figure out why I'm still healing a broken heart after close to nine months is a mystery - or just a confirmation of how deeply I loved him. While worldly travels and those I met doing that distracted me for a bit, coming home and living the day to day only shined a light on how much direction I still need. What do I do with my life? Why is work so stressful? Another theater seems interesting, so do I join their company when they ask? Why can't I drive down the street his theater is on? Ever? Why is he constantly in my thoughts? Finally - someone interesting.. rush rush rush.. have friend talk. He changes his mind. Yo-yo's between the two. Definitely just friends. No.. he wants more. Email saying otherwise. Done and done. Jackass (him). Idiot (me). Silence (everyone). Angry. Bitter. Sad.

Miss him again. The magic one. The one who said yes when asked if he loved me.. and yes, he promised..

Maybe cry..

Start over tomorrow..

Birthday for a girlfriend. Visit Cayenne and her new baby girl. Push myself at the gym. Second first date with someone from the past. Casual. Have fun. Kiss. Movie plans with gay boyfriend. Baby shower for another friend. Theater meeting.

Continue to move forward.

Have some adventures here. Make a new history.

Sigh.. this is hard work.

For Brandy

As mentioned yesterday, I found these amazing new female bloggers and a whole new writing world opened up. I knew there were more out there and that I had much to learn about the perfectly written blog post. The written word is something I'm incredibly fascinated by and I wish I could put a sentence together like some of the new writers to which I've now linked. I'll still make up words and deny the ellipse three dots and make it only two because I think it looks better and is more to the point of what an ellipse stands for, BUT my point (and I know, I'm getting to it!) is maybe these writers will help me increase the possibility of ending sentences rather than running them on and on - not to mention assist in increasing my vocabulary and my own awesomeness. Last year left my ego in a bit of a shambles so I could certainly use a boost. That'd be a bonus. And when done with this post, I suggest you head on over to the links on the right and check them out.

Now, my self-absorbed-ness aside - thru these women, I found another blog that truly moved me. She sent out a request to her own internet community and they all answered. Again, it's just another copycat move on my part, but she asked the Virtual World to help her out and tho late, I thought I would.

Sending you all the positive thoughts and energy I can muster Brandy.

************************************

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog - as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school - dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma - an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been - spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know - (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart. This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, Google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making - but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM - please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Adieu 2009 - Onto 2010

The last week of 2009 I started surfing for new bloggers. I thought it was time to clean up a few links and look for new writers who inspired me a bit more. I found a few strong female voices I was really drawn to and moved by and one of them is this gem at Hope Dies Last. I'm again feeling listy because I'm not sure how to summarize the last month or what to say in my usual Miss D set of run on sentences and made up words. Not that I don't have stuff to say, but a list of questions seems more finite and somehow simpler, at least today. So I thought I'd borrow her latest post idea and say goodbye to 2009 in a more appropriate and copycat kind of way. I'm certainly no trendsetter. 2010 can't change the fact most often I'm still just a sheep in the herd who has yet to find her own way. I'll get there.. one day.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I did a couple of things. Stage managed the largest cast I'd ever seen in fringe of 21 actors while also production managing the same show. I also went to Barcelona completely alone, not knowing a soul for two weeks because I was tired of being tied to the idea that I needed someone else to travel with. It was still a challenge for someone like me who likes more time with friends than being alone, but it was a good life experience and I needed to do it.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for this year?

I tried. For a long time, my goals were to be more positive, not to let the negatives take me over and work on my own issues of trying to be a better listener, friend, employee, daughter, sister, lover, and just all around better person. That's a full plate. I'll certainly carry it to this year tho last year was truly disheartening in so many ways, but I just kept going and tried to take it a day at a time. I have hope for this year. I have to.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Actually yes! My gorgeous friend Cayenne gave birth on December 8th to a darling little girl she named Leila. I'm an auntie once again. She is all rainbows and magic and bunnies in the cutest little package.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately, yes. My stepfather. My mother's true love I believe.. and I so wish they'd had more time together.

5. What countries did you visit?

Canada and Spain.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A partner who doesn't flee at a little hard work and knows what he wants (me, among other things). And to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life.. I should probably focus on that part first.

7. What dates from 2009 will be etched in your memory and why?

March 30th: When they pulled the breathing tube out and my stepfather died.

April 14th: When Boy and I broke up.

June 27th: The last time Boy and I saw each other in person and said goodbye.

November 2nd: My 38th birthday and the first time I felt genuinely happy after a very difficult and emotional spring and summer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Going to Spain alone and pulling myself out of my hole of sadness to see the world is a giant place and there are so many things to discover and people to meet.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Being unable to let go, being afraid, denying who someone really is even tho they show you over and over.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A broken heart from losing a father and a boyfriend within weeks of each other. I almost couldn't believe it was happening again almost exactly 10 years after I experienced the same thing at 28. And a seriously annoying case of head-to-toe hives from an allergic reaction to antibiotics for an infection. Ick ick ick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My ticket to Barcelona and the awesome boots purchased there as well.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Obama for winning the election even if he's been too nice in my opinion over the course of the year and Jon Stewart for always being brave enough to call everyone on their bullshit, right or leftwing.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

The Boy depressed me, beyond my imagination. I was appalled by anyone who supported Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and/or Roman Polanski.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To massive amounts of alcohol.. if we're being honest.. and I think we are.

15. What did you get really really excited about?

Really, just my trip to Spain and the friends I met there and held onto.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Horseshoes And Handgrenades by Green Day. Any song that starts off with 'I'm not fuckin around' couldn't possibly suck and I sang it loud and in my car when I needed to remind myself I'm stronger than the bad that was happening. An audible swift kick in the ass if you will.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. happier or sadder

b. thinner or fatter

c. richer or poorer

Probably a bit sadder, but trying to move on from that, a few pounds heavier and that's a mystery where those came from, but richer in life and love regardless.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Healing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Crying. Seriously one of the hardest years of my life.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No - I was already there.

21. What was your favorite tv program?

I have a list - my excuse is that being an actor it's all scene study - but I'll categorize:

Favorite new shows: Modern Family - because it's seriously the funniest damn thing on tv and also because I went to college with Ty Burrell who's the dad of the more traditional family and he finally got a show worthy of his talents. And Glee - because when you're a musical theater geek like I am, it's tv candy.

Favorite guilty pleasure: Gossip Girl - and I don't want to hear another word about it. Thank you.

Favorite America votes show: I usually never watch reality shows or anything they ask 'America' to dial into but I love So You Think You Can Dance. I hate the judges except for Adam Shankman who's one of the funniest gay men on the planet, but the dancing is gorgeous and a few choreographers seriously give me tingles watching their talents come to life.

Favorite news show: The Daily Show. Jon is where I get my news because it's more truth than anything else out there.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't hate anyone - that's a strong word. I dislike people like Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh who instill unreasonable fear and spread ignorance to the masses.

23. What was the best book you read?

Well, if I could finish it, probably When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris. I only read at the gym and I need to make more time for it.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably The Ting Tings as far as new artists, Kaskade as far as new to me and fun dance music, and the new Muse, Green Day and Rodrigo y Gabriela albums. This year, I needed it to be loud.

25. What did you want and get?

To go to Europe this year.

26. What did you want and not get?

To build a life with the Boy, to know my stepfather longer.

27. What was your favorite film of 2009?

Blockbuster: Star Trek

Indie: Sunshine Cleaning (tho I haven't seen (500) Days of Summer) - it's on my Netflix)

Original: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Best See With A Guy: The Hangover

Best See With Your BFF: Whip It

28. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

On the day, which fell on a Monday, I celebrated with some new friends by having a chill little get together over some food and cupcakes and watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which made me love Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillian to an almost obsessive degree. And then later that week, had a more appropriate birthday party at the Bottleneck Lounge, stumbling distance from home, with all the friends who could make it. Shine made me the best cake ever and I drank a lot of panther's milk and champagne. The next week a crew of us saw They Might Be Giants live and it honestly couldn't have been a better way to celebrate a full two weeks of being 38. Doesn't matter that I still look 26, but I'm ever so grateful that's true.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Unfortunately, it was based on comfort most of the time tho a few times this summer, I brought the sexy back, but it was more rare than not. Again, no trendsetter here. I'm happy if I my butt looks good in a pair of jeans and my shoes don't hurt after wearing them for only two hours.

30. What kept me sane?

A few very good friends and their words of wisdom I had to keep repeating over and over.. and over.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have a fondness for smart and funny Jews so Jon Stewart wins hands down.

32. Who did you miss?

The Boy, my stepfather, and the friends who've chosen to cut ties - one for when she was sweet and kind and fun (because the other times, she was just plain mean) and the other for her quirky energy, her sense of style, her independence and amazing talent she had for thrifting. Also, she was just plain gorgeous to look at.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Violet. Funny, real, makes friend time even tho she lives with her boyfriend who is also funny and nice and we have that little bond of meeting in Barcelona, having the best night of both of our trips and living in the same city - at least for now.

34. The most valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?

When people show you who they really are, you should believe them.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Another day, just believe.

Just breathe. Just believe.

Just breathe.