Boyfriended

It's official. I have a boyfriend. I'm boyfriended officially. For realz. Status change on Facebook and everything (though he preferred to keep it off Facebook so I didn't connect him, but still.). The first one in three years (THREE!). This is significant! And good! And there are lots of smiles and all kinds of happy between us. It doesn't suck. No, not at all.

After giving The Professor the room to do whatever he needed to do (think, process, determine I was the more awesomer person he was dating because duh..), he sprung the idea upon me after a lovely evening together of canoodling at a fight show I was stage managing, canoodling at after-show drinks and dessert and canoodling horizontally that's a little more than canoodling if you catch my drift and I think you do. He just looked at me and said, ‟I want  you to be my girlfriend," very matter-of-factly to which I, of course, paused appropriately and then responded with a friendly reminder that there was still one other person involved and that would make being exclusive a bit awkward.. well, for her anyway. He said he'd tried to resolve that by phone that day but they ended up playing phone tag. He promised to address it as quickly as possible though and he did a couple days later. In the meantime, I squeed, giggled, did a little horizontal happy dance right there (let's keep it clean folks.. I was happy) and proceeded to call him Boyfriend every chance I got for the next 24 hours. And adorable as he is, he called me Girlfriend in return. I know.. it's cute. And gross.. but that's ok because I get to be gross. I did mention it's been three years right? THREE YEARS, PEOPLE, OK?!

I'm still surprised that this feels so good. We didn't suffocate each other by spending too much time together. We didn't lose interest because we only spent one day a week together at first. But suddenly there were a couple days a week and then most of a weekend, his birthday, overnights that lasted til the next afternoon, the losing of first names to ‛babe' and ‛sweet girl' (seriously, that one weakens my knees) and even a big chat the weekend before the labels about kids and if I wanted them or not. That was a doozy, but it didn't scare me, clearly didn't scare him since he was the one asking, and it made me think of a possible future I hadn't thought of with anyone in a long time. It felt real.

I'm sure we're at the beginnings of the honeymoon stage, but this weekend the hormones hit again and I've been irritable off and on and still, the man joked around, called me cantankerous while hugging me until I laughed at not being able to wiggle free, and refused to allow me to wallow in negativity. It was nice to have him there for balance and it made me feel very lucky because though I'm happier by the minute, this is so easy and natural and honestly, fun. It doesn't feel crazy honeymoony to me because it feels normal and lovely and kind of everything I want.

We can now talk about future planning.. say travel plans for Burning Man since we're both going, his trip to Germany in June for five weeks without being scared if we're together or not or who he's coming back to, meeting family.. that sort of thing. It's reassuring to know where we stand together.. because we're standing together. I dig that. And though love wasn't mentioned during that first conversation and I haven't had a boyfriend in recent years I didn't have that with before we were exclusive, he knows I'm already pretty close and feels he's headed there too or he wouldn't be in this.

I love that he directed the tempo of us and that I recognized that sitting in just a little bit of caution and making sure it was the right thing and wasn't fleeting could work. I've never had that kind of normalcy in the beginnings of a relationship, where protecting ourselves and being careful with our intentions actually felt romantic.. even if I was a little uncomfortable with the idea. Because now? The payoff is that I feel secure. I'm reassured all the time because I can see this is what he wants, not something I talked him into. I feel spoiled, I feel adored, I feel comfortable. He rarely stops touching me, tells me often how great and beautiful I am, is focused on me when we're in public, and everyone seems to like him.

I'm happy. I'm a girlfriend. And it's pretty fucking wonderful.

Holding A Torch

My seventh blogversary (SEVENTH people!) at the end of April came and went because I was a little wrapped up in reveling in my newly-acquired time to myself after the latest show closed AND on my blogversary eve, I was actually doing this:

Oh those bright orange things on either side of me? That would be fire that I'm spinning. FIRE, people! And although I may be smiling, that's just me hiding the fear of knowing I could possibly go up in flames at any moment. And you know what? I DIDN'T! Unbelievable!

Looking cool with lit poi in your hands is one thing, but working that poi into submission effortlessly is quite another. My limited skills were clear, but it was my first time working with actual fire. I did pretty well considering I only know about four or five tricks and it was really windy and cold that night so that threw me off a little. Still, I did two rounds and was freaking proud of myself. Also? It's super loud. Louder than you'd think, which makes you feel quite badass waving these potentially hazardous and whooshing mini-torches around.

Speaking of holding torches (no, I'm not at all subtle - titles or otherwise today..), I had this thought recently that I was going to screw something up with The Professor, the adorably sexy guy I've been dating since the end of March and who I'm pretty sprung on. Later that particular week, I figured out why I thought that - my hormones went bat-shit crazy. I'd truly like to see chemically what happens to a woman when it's her time of the month because a little drop or increase in specific hormones can almost make her a different person. Sure there's always a well-known penchant for bitchiness - and I do notice little things get to me more during those times - but sometimes the PMS can be mellower or just all happen in one day (which is entertaining to witness I'm sure, but not to experience) and this time, I had this feeling it was going to make me kind of crazy.. and it did.

A few weeks ago, we had ‛the talk' about where we were and what we wanted - or rather mostly where I was  and what I wanted. He was dating one other person and wasn't sure what he was feeling for me at the time, but said it was more than just fun. That reassured me a bit. It'd only been slightly more than a month. I'd stopped seeing the younger guy who was briefly in the picture because he just faded out. Someone else new came and went very quickly because I realized he was a player and I didn't need that. So I just wanted to gauge the potential, if any, for something long-term with The Professor and told him it was getting somewhat difficult to keep my emotional distance as we continued to spend time together. He was kind and thoughtful with his responses but noticeably reserved and though he left me a sweet note the next morning, doubts started to creep in.

That uncontrollable longing came over me, the one I didn't want just yet, and it was exactly when my hormones went awry. This wasn't logical. It was purely emotional - or more specifically, chemical - and I could control it if I wanted to. Except I couldn't. For three loooong days. He could tell I was trying to maintain from my texts, but though he responded with ‛Don't fret sweet girl,' at the end of one of his messages, which should've made me feel better, it wasn't enough. I just had to wait it out and talk to myself, talk to girlfriends, whatever. I limited my texts to limit the crazy and it worked. A few days later, that grey and suffocating cloud lifted, hormones leveled, and logic prevailed once more. I was feeling good where we were. Irrational freak out avoided.

But now, unable to blame any shifting hormones, I've noticed he lingers in my thoughts kind of all day. I'd like to meet his friends (I haven't met any yet, but he's receptive to it), I want to plan things more than just the coming week and weekend with him.. and yeah, I'd like him to decide he only wants to be with me and let this other person go. Duh.

I broached the subject last weekend. It felt like it was time to ask if this was still something he needed, seeing someone else in addition to me, and if so, could he make me more comfortable with the idea. Because I don't give ultimatums. That's not right. He needs to feel free to choose when it's right for him. That doesn't mean he gets an unlimited amount of time either. He knows this. He knows one of us will need to say it's time to be exclusive at some point. And though I'm ready for that, I'm not hitting my wall about it.. yet. I'm simply uncomfortable because the longer we date, the more in it I feel and the more I risk. He understood and assured me he liked me a lot, that seeing multiple people isn't ideal and not what he ultimately wants. He needs room to gauge though - his last two relationships were complicated - and I think it's fair to allow him time to figure out how he feels and what (or who) will work for him. Just because I know he's someone I could fall for doesn't mean he has to know if he can or can't about me yet. Everyone moves at different speeds and he knows this is a big deal to me - our slower pacing - but it's been a good thing, the evolution of it and he thought it'd get him to a place he was really sure of once he figured that out. Made sense to me and it made me feel better. I don't want anyone to settle for me and if it's not right, it's not. But we're all kinds of awesome together and he said he's not ready to decide we aren't right so onward we go.

Don't get me wrong, it'll hurt if he doesn't pick me and it feels uneasy to be more vulnerable than he is right now, but I think he's worth waiting this out for. And I mean seriously, how can you not appreciate a guy who lets you talk when you're feeling insecure, doesn't freak out, answers your questions, holds and kisses you during and appreciates you for being honest, direct and also not freaking out. That's a man, dear readers. It's fucking refreshing. Even my friends he's met see what I see for once. That's a good sign. And getting to know him has been great. We laugh a lot, we're both complete dorks a good amount of the time, the sex is pretty phenomenal, we both tend to run late (this we have to work on), I tease him about how much he hates ketchup because I love it.. you know, the usual figuring the other person out. He's smart, easy to look at, affectionate, kind, patient and supportive.. and our relationship has been really easy.......... Hm.. Yeah.. I just called it a relationship.

Fuck. I'm screwed.