Playing The Game And Fouling Out

I'm on the precipice of a moral dilemma. Well.. sort of. I'm dating.. I'm dating a lot. Not being introduced to someone new every week. Nothing like that. I'm dating a few people that I'm getting to know little by little, every time I spend and evening out.. or in.. with them. And I like it. It feels good. It feels sane, at least for me.

I'm a girl who never used to be able to separate love and sex. Or rather.. I couldn't separate the emotion from sex. I had the emotion. I felt the attachment. The guy didn't understand because to him it was just sex. Of course he liked me.. but he was also a guy.. driven by a natural sexual desire and that's simply all it was. Whereas for me.. I'm more an emotional creature. Sex can connect the emotion for me and make it stronger. Not all women are like that, but I would say it's more common with women than men.

As I get older, there are times I feel ready to settle down, fall in love, possibly start a family or get a couple of dogs, buy a house.. feel a real sense of belonging. And I had that feeling up until recently.. when the Cute Boy Gate was suddenly left wide open or Timing finally worked in my favor, which never happens, and I was being pursued. Often and by many. I know. I'm as surprised as you are because hi.. where were these people the rest of this year? When the last 9 or 10 months have been a frickin dating desert?! I ask you.. where? And now, there are choices and maybe that sounds wrong to some people.. tarting it up or not openly discussing who and how many with every single person because it hasn't come up, but I'm willing to be honest about whatever they want to know. They haven't exactly asked either.. and that tells me that a) they don't want to know.. or, more than likely, b) they're doing the exact same thing.

I've been told by male friends tho that once a guy finds out he has competition, the tables will turn on me. Men don't like knowing you have other possibilities. Also, if they ask you if you're seeing other people, they have to be prepared to answer the same question and I think that's unsettling for some of them since it could ultimately lead to a related conversation of wanting or not wanting something monogomous and/or *GASP* committed!

But tho I like to think I'm hip and open-minded.. I'm still me and I know I'll go back and forth between wanting to feel sexy and free to be with whomever I wish.. and maybe wanting just one person to get close to and brush my teeth with at night. It waivers when I start to have those tingly feelings in my stomach and there's one person so far this could maybe be happening with, but Timing, not being on my side EVER (Hi.. uh, yeah.. Timing? Can we talk about this bi-polar/love-hate thing you have with me? What did I ever do to you?!) will be keeping this person distanced emotionally from me to a degree for an undetermined amount of time. Not to mention, I just realized, that when he does want something monogamous, and he's said he will eventually because that's in his nature, that I thought for some reason, he was going to pick me. Not that he's ever given me any indication of that at all, like with actual words or something audible like that. Sigh.. I hate being a girl sometimes.

There's been no talk of commitments.. just disclosure - what to tell each other. What's my business and what isn't when it comes to talking about these other people we're seeing? I'm really open and if they want to know, all they need to do is ask, yet, he never does and well.. we all know I do because I feel it's necessary - just for my sanity, which at the beginning you remember I said this dating multiple people thing was helping me maintain. But um.. have we ever discussed how maybe it's me who's bi-polar? Ugh.

And when should I just accept whatever information he wants to provide? Because to me, the more info = the more secure I am because I know what's going on and I know where I stand. Not that I need to know extreme details, but as I'm writing this.. I think God.. it's not my business who he's seeing if I'm willing to be a part of something casual right now.. which means I might not be able to continue with this casual path for too long because I've simply grown too attached to this one person and it's not in my nature to be able to avoid jealousies nor do I have this amazing ability to share those I'm intimate with. So it's a matter of how patient I can be and how much I can protect myself and that just means limiting what I give of me, including my availability. And it also means I have to continue to date others and if someone else comes along who's pretty great.. then.. that might change things..

This one likes me. That I know for sure, but he's happy living things moment to moment right now.. and at the same time, actually wants to work on this communication issue we have, which is admirable and I appreciate, but I don't understand. Why would a guy want to work on a relationship that he can't see any further into but the present? Maybe that's more a question for Indy and his readers. Maybe I just don't understand the guy perspective and/or motivation clearly enough. Maybe I'm making it more complicated than it is.

Maybe I should get a hobby.