Goodbye 2007! Bring On The Shinier 2008!

I'm here! Honest! I haven't disappeared people.. but you know how it is with the holidays and getting home from the family's and getting back to a half a week of work where everything is chaotic and you can only wait for the long weekend of new year's eve, which is exactly how things have gone for me. So I do apologize for my tardiness in posting and having absolutely nothing to say. I'm working on a list and then I thought.. who wants another frickin list? Not you! No.. not for the end of year post! So.. bear with me..

I have been shopping the last few days having been given a little wad of cash for Christmas and have found some great little items just today out with Pixie. The idea was to thrift, but right away, out with her last minute and completely unshowered and bed-headed, I found a cute page boy type cap that I quickly threw on and couldn't part with. We then headed to a vintage store for something unexpected and she discovered a gorgeous long, brown faux fur coat that once on, I simply had to have. Not exactly a thrifty price, but it was still meant to be mine. We did end up at Goodwill where there was to be found a sexy backless halter that fit perfectly and a cute little nightie that is sexy and still innocent enough that I won't be completely porn star out in the desert. With a pair of fishnets, some frilly panties and boots, it will definitely fit right in.

I'm getting really excited about Burning Man eight months sooner than I need to because Boz is coming with me this year and we're planning on bringing an RV full of a few other friends who've committed to joining us. I have so much time to prepare this year and plan it a bit better than last time that every time I'm out, I default to wondering if something will work in the sun and sand of the playa rather than at work or out on the town.

I do plan on hitting a big new year's eve party as well.. but again, it's burner inspired. So even with thinking so far ahead, if it can work here where there are parties all year round, all the better. Grab a crinoline, throw on a tank, boots - high heeled or not.. whatever. It really is like Halloween more than one night a year and my inner attention whore gets to play a bit more often these days.

So really.. nothing terribly exciting to report to you all. Just reflecting on the last few days of the year and spending time with good friends who bring out the best in me. Even my heartbreak has faded and Boris and I have found a comfortable place with our friendship. We go back and forth with our physical attraction, but even if we give into temptation, there are no longer any other expectations than that we'll still remain close friends. Things like that have a way of working themselves out however they're supposed to and if he's not the right person, eventually the right one will come along. It feels good not to be so achy about the whole stupid thing tho and back to a stronger sense of self.

I wish all of you a safe and happy ringing in of the new year. May you get everything you wish for and more in 2008. Mucho love to all of you.. and also, thank you so much for reading. I never imagined having so many friends at a distance. Every one of you and your comments make writing mean so much more to me. So thank you for continuing on this random journey with me. See you all next year! Mwah!

A Few Of My Favorite Things

It's that time of year again where I delay and postpone most of the major shopping for holiday gifts because I haven't a clue what to get anyone in my family. My friends are easy, but because I haven't found the key to Independent Wealth, they understand their gifts usually come after the big day and not before. I do have one day off this week with Fatima to spend however we wish sans toddler, my gorgeous niece, except for the one in her belly oven, and I'm supposed to get all my shopping done this day. I keep wondering, HOW am I ever going to do that?! And with only one paycheck that oh.. other bills are supposed to be paid from too. It's going to be a holiday miracle people. Something that Hallmark or Lifetime will want to produce as their next female driven tv movie, but luckily where no one gets beaten first, because that's just not very warm and fuzzy for this time of year.. obviously.

ANYWAY.. I've compiled a little list of gifty type links for you and me so we can all browse together. Shall we?

Let's get straight to one of my favorite things: T-shirts. I heart a great t-shirt. I really do. That's probably why when I recently bought one for the holidays for my friend who will have to go unnamed just in case he may actually read this post tho he never reads anymore (so why am I getting him anything?! I wonder this too, but this shirt is perfect!), I had to buy one for myself as well. Had to. So I went for Noisebot.com. Some are odd, some I don't get, and yet, some never stop being funny. And similarly - almost eerily alike - there's Busted Tees, which may just be a tad cheaper (of course I find something like this AFTER I buy 2 shirts on the previous site..) and how can it be bad when all the shirts come with descriptions? It can't! This one has to be my favorite. And then there is Threadless.com, which is apparently, cheaper still due to their $10 holiday sale that ends.. oops.. today.. but you go and get on that anyway.. because how can you go thru life without a t-shirt like this? I ask you. You can't. That's how.

For other wearable items, especially for your favorite cook, I still like these adorable aprons I found on Wrapables.com. I could totally see my dear little Shine in this one or this one and I also like they have a cute selection of kids' aprons too.

I thought these little wine stoppers were pretty cute for your favorite wine drinker who may be torn between right and wrong now and then. I mean.. it happens, right? When wine is involved.. you just never know.

And what goes with wine? Bread and cheese, right? And what goes with good bread? Yummy dipping oils from Williams-Sonoma. While there you could pick up some of their high heat spatulas, measuring spoons and a cute little timer because your own chef at home probably needs some of these fun things that might cost a little more than say.. shopping at Target, but make the kitchen feel more personal and your chef a little spoiled, as they should.

And tho I linked to this last year, this light is still one of my all-time favorite bits of decor (not that I have one and you might consider it on my list as well.. ahem).

For the person who is always coming and going in your life, you might give him or her these sassy luggage tags so their belongings are unmistakable along with this sexy travel bar for which they can make the friendly skies just a bit friendlier if the mood strikes them.

For the person you know who lives amidst blank walls, you might try giving them something a bit different than just your average Monet print. Scribble has gift certificates available for their removable wall decals and your giftee can even custom design it themselves. And then there's Blik who has so many different choices you may be overwhelmed but one of their partners is actually Threadless, the t-shirt company I listed earlier. So how fun would something like this be? Tho I think this one is my favorite.

And if you want something a little more functional, you could always try these fun removable chalkboard things that Shine and I just put up in our kitchen. Not only are they affordable, but you can arrange the panels any way you see fit or cut them to pieces and put them other places you thought a little chalkboard was necessary. Chalk is even included! Awesome, right? So much!

If you're actually looking for art tho, I will direct you to a personal friend of mine, Jason Waskey. He's a painter. A really, really good painter and he also has a blog where you can check out the small works he's selling currently. Some are as cheap as $100 like this gorgeous little number he's holding for me, which just happens to be the ticket from the show I produced in November and I think that's pretty special. So go get some art. Monet would be proud of you.

For a little camper I know I thought this mini remote-control lantern could be just the thing to light up her tent at night when she's in the desert and it only takes one AA battery! Serious radness from Restoration Hardware.

Shine and I have also taken to playing Scrabble on Facebook these days with many of our friends so a vintage wooden box edition of the real thing might be uber snazzy. And even better if it came with its own dictionary. There's even a very cute little travel version for killing time between the holiday dinner and that inevitable popping in of The Christmas Story that your brother will insist on watching for the zillionth time.

For the girl in your life who likes snazzy bits of pretty things, I still highly recommend this very fancy mascara, big gorgeous eyes, by Philosophy because who doesn't want eyes that pop? No one! No one doesn't want those. Then there's this lovely fragrance called grace that smells so light and pretty you will want to buy boxes of it like I wanted to when I discovered it. And the staple I cannot live without is their kiss me lip gloss that isn't sticky, isn't glittery, and is just the best lip gloss ever, period. I love the clear for everything, but the red is very sheer and gives a little extra kick in these early darkened evenings that go perfectly with a glass of cabernet and a handsome, holiday date.

If your girl is a little funkier in her tastes, I personally like this cute little hat from delia's, this adorable pink clutch from Urban Outfitters because she's still girly and this shiny bit of electricity for around her neck to let her know she really creates a spark when she walks into a room.

For the music lover, an iTunes gift certificate would never be unappreciated and I would recommend one of my favorite cd's this year, which is The Shins, Wincing The Night Away. The new Feist, Reminder is another good one, and KT Tunstall's latest, Drastic Fantastic. If you like a little more bass in your tunes, I liked the new Mark Farina, House Of Om or for a little more housey, Miguel Migs', Those Things was good to groove to this summer. Lastly, for simply the most amazing guitarists you will ever hear in your lives - and you should really see them live because they will knock your socks off - Rodrigo Y Gabriela were one of the best discoveries this year. Just phenomenal. There are really not enough descriptive words to say how incredible they are.

For other more personal gifts, there are always sweet ideas of baking homemade cookies, putting together a mini book of your favorite poems or recipes, hand-written and bound with pretty ribbon, or searching thru some of the local antique and second-hand stores to find a one-of-a-kind little knick-knack or bauble or antique book that might bring a sparkle to someone's eye for its originality.

If you wanted to use your ingenuity to better the world, you could take on sponsoring a child thru Children International and tho I'm not here to preach, I have to say I do get choked up every time I get a letter from Christian, who I sponsor out of the Phillippines. There's also Heifer International, which by a small or large donation, can provide a family with a new way of life completely so that they can provide for themselves. It's all pretty wonderful if you ask me.

This week is sure to be filled with a large to-do list for me: shopping for family and friends, making travel arrangements, eating and drinking way too much with friends before I head to Oregon to do the same thing with my family, hitting the gym as much as possible so none of the said stuffing of face will matter anyway, reflecting on my decisions that brought me both happiness and heartache this year and thinking about those around me who influenced each, what I can do better to contribute to my overall sense of self, not to mention the world to make it a better place - and wishing you, my dear readers, a very lovely holiday filled only with peace and love because that's what you all deserve. I hope you find the perfect gifts for your loved ones and travel safely to all your destinations. Do avoid your crazy aunt's fruit cake tho.

The Universal Fear

When I was a little girl, I thought I was going to marry my brother. He was going to be a fireman and I was going to be a waitress. Big dreams, clearly. But it was what I knew. My family, my security. Why would I ever go away from them? Isn't that what everyone did?

As I got a little older, I, of course, came to realize that only very strange people found their brothers attractive and only stranger ones married them.. and not long after that, began the boy craziness I would rarely ever not feel.

The earliest I remember is in 2nd grade when Laura Gillette and I each shared the same boyfriend, Sean Dewey. He had a blonde bowl cut, very cute freckles all over his face, and put his arm around both of us during show and tell. I thought this was very cool at the time and I was very happy with our arrangement. I had doodled his name all over my backpack and I'm sure when I looked at him, there were cartoon hearts that fluttererd out of my batting eyes.

Tho Laura was a very pretty auburned-brunette with rosy cheeks, she was one of my best friends and I never ever thought to compare myself to her. I had dark brown hair, parted in the middle with strong cowlicks on either side of my forehead, was a little chubby, and since I sucked my thumb until I was probably four, I had very bucked front teeth. But I never didn't feel pretty. I was just me: a happy girl who liked her friends, school, reading and rainbows. That was good enough. Sean seemed to like us both equally and at that age, it was just a given you didn't spend much time with your boyfriend. It was just at school. I mean, forget about kissing. Ew. We just chased the boys on certain days and tickled them when they let us catch them.. and vice versa. That was the extent of those relationships in those days. It didn't get any deeper than that.

In fourth grade, Brenda became my best friend. She was a big-eyed, freckled, blonde, pretty, very thin and taller than me and our babysitters were only two houses away from each other. We couldn't be separated. We also both had a crush on the most popular boy in our class, Ryan Daly. Sandy brown hair and adorably cute, he got along with everyone and we both sort of admired him from afar. Well, until one day he sent Brenda a note. I don't remember much about what, if anything, happened between them, but I remember acutely how jealous I was. I tried to hide it and I think I did. I loved my friend to pieces and I could see how thrilled she was, but I think this was the first time I became aware of what I lacked. My insecurity was born.

Being a grown woman now, you would think at some point those insecurities would've been conquered and quieted - and a lot of them have. You would also think I would've had some more significant relationships that mattered by now, which is true. But I'm one of the rare (?) people who have never had a longer relationship than one year. I've never lived with anyone. Never been married. Never even come close. I've been in love a lot. Genuinely and for real. And I have been loved back just as fiercely. I certainly wouldn't be single if any of those had worked out, but since the longest one, a decade ago, these connections have amounted to less and less time before it takes the other party to decide it isn't working. There are still a few that stand out as important loves, who were passionate, learning experiences for me and they're still people I count as part of my life, but I can see now that all of them were stepping stones to getting where I am now and defining clearly what I want from a partner.

The two most significant ex-boyfriends helped shape my sense of self not because I was with them the longest, but because of the connection we had. And still to this day, it amazes me, knowing them now, how strongly I was pulled in their direction as if they were oxygen and I had been holding my breath my whole life.

Anthony was my second boyfriend here in Seattle. From the moment I met him in line at an audition, I knew he was bad for me. Bad in the way you know a chemistry is good, which made it difficult for the year-long boyfriend I already had. I saw this charming boy solely as a new friend whom I bonded with for a day while we stood in line for this insane cattle call and even talked about my boyfriend quite a bit so I thought that had been established. Knowing what I know now tho, I can see, in retrospect, Anthony saw that as a challenge.

We really clicked, but it was still just platonic for me. I remember soon after we met that we had one particular conversation over the phone where I told him straight up that I loved my boyfriend and wasn't leaving him for Anthony because I just couldn't see us together. And he sounded ok with that. He didn't bring it up again until we were spending more time together than a 'just friends' pair usually does. We talked for hours all the time.. in a way my boyfriend and I never did.. but I kept thinking I was having fun with a new friend.

Then one afternoon, we had a movie moment. You know.. the long gaze before someone is about to leave after spending time with you and you both feel the pull to kiss, but you don't. We talked about it later and I realized it'd only taken him two weeks to completely diminish my loyalty to my boyfriend, which astounded me for how passionately I'd previously sounded in my dedication to him. But during that conversation, Anthony probably manipulated the edge of the fence he knew I was on and he told me he thought I was worth fighting for.. and at that moment, I knew he could offer me something more than my current boyfriend's consistent jealousy and low self-esteem. For two months straight, we never slept apart and I'd never felt so close to someone.

Movie love is great, but ultimately, not long-lasting. Cumulatively, we only dated for about nine months and broke up twice over that year and a half we were trying to figure it out. Tho he helped me become so much more comfortable with myself and being apart of a relationship, he needed more affirmation than one girl could provide. God I was destroyed for months when it was finally over between us.

Tho it felt like an eternity before I let my heart heal from that, it probably wasn't long before I met Ali, a Canadian Iranian, who was a friend of a friend, roommate of someone I'd been casually dating in BC, and long story short, one New Year's Eve night, the timing was perfect and again, I had stars in my eyes.

Ali is still one of the loves of my life I feel. Even after eight years, I still melt at the sound of his voice over the phone. He still calls me his angel and I go completely weak at the knees. But since he lives in BC, it just wasn't realistic to keep love maintained no matter how much we wanted to. It was too hard and made weekends we spent together too pressure-filled to be perfect. But he made me feel beautiful and loved when he would kiss the palm of my hand and then put it to his cheek. And when he told me how my smiles - every one of them because they were all different - were magic, I would blush and smile more and he'd say, 'Yes, that one right there,' and I would feel like the luckiest girl in the world. How can you not love someone like that? I would cry on the way home after every weekend visit because it was so hard to leave him.

During our relationship, we both had some terrific tragedies happen around us that neither of us could've foreseen nor could we bandage very well from that distance. Disappointments and misunderstandings increased and soon we disintegrated. We've had many talks over the years since we've still remained friends, tried to get back together here and there, but one visit we settled it once and for all. We both acknowledged how much we had loved each other, learned from the other, but for both of us, tho the other was someone who'd always remain significant for us, we'd realized that love isn't always enough. You think that if you can get the timing right and you both feel the same way that it will contain you, nurture you, satisfy you.. but that's not always the case. It was an extremely valuable lesson to learn.

Since then, I've mistakenly loved others who haven't been able to return that feeling for whatever reason. Tho I felt that familiar pull to them, they figured out they didn't and probably wouldn't ever feel it for me. Again, timing is everything. Recognizing what you want and not settling is too. And tho I tried the casual thing again recently, I was denying what I really wanted.

When I wrote that last post, I admitted to myself that it's not only ok to want those things I wrote, but if you do and you're not getting them, you should be in a space where they're conducive to finding you and I wasn't. So after some talking, I decided to let Boris go because you can't force someone to give you what they aren't capable of providing and when they tell you what their limitations are, you should believe them.

Because I had to be honest that I fell pretty hard for Boris, I ended things with The Actor as well and find myself licking wounds and not in a place to date anyone right now. I didn't think it was fair to date someone just to avoid being lonely and I couldn't have been very engaged while thinking of someone else I had lost. And since Boris and I have been friends most of the year, it feels heavier because I miss our friendship and now it's going to be awkward and weird until we figure that out.

This is the part I hate about risking.. but you have to admit, risk is not preferential. You have just as much chance at being happy as you do breaking your own heart.. and I willingly take that risk all the time. I know.. I do it to myself, but if I didn't, I think I'd become so bitter I would shrivel up and die and I just can't do that to myself. I refuse to be afraid like that. I believe in hope.

The new year is only a few weeks away and it always reminds me to keep moving forward. I'm not perfect, but I'm happier now than I ever have been with my imperfections. I have my days, but overall, I think more positively. I think I'm getting closer to finding that partner who will take that leap with me because I'm getting better about defining what I'm being offered and knowing it's not going to be enough. Everyone wants love, but not everyone wants to admit it because it makes them vulnerable. Yeah, it's a lot scarier than your second grade crush, but when did we lose that spunk and become so cautious and hesitant? I'm going into this new year welcoming the unknown of opening up, hoping out loud, and asking the Universe for what I want because I'm done settling for less than that.

I'm not a kid anymore and I want love with a partner that doesn't require being shared with a third party. I want something mature and that continues to evolve and grow rather than stagnate and leave me with more questions than answers. I want a love that is fearless.. because there is no room for any other love that is less than that in my life. I want more. And finally, I know it's ok to ask for it.