The Universal Fear

When I was a little girl, I thought I was going to marry my brother. He was going to be a fireman and I was going to be a waitress. Big dreams, clearly. But it was what I knew. My family, my security. Why would I ever go away from them? Isn't that what everyone did?

As I got a little older, I, of course, came to realize that only very strange people found their brothers attractive and only stranger ones married them.. and not long after that, began the boy craziness I would rarely ever not feel.

The earliest I remember is in 2nd grade when Laura Gillette and I each shared the same boyfriend, Sean Dewey. He had a blonde bowl cut, very cute freckles all over his face, and put his arm around both of us during show and tell. I thought this was very cool at the time and I was very happy with our arrangement. I had doodled his name all over my backpack and I'm sure when I looked at him, there were cartoon hearts that fluttererd out of my batting eyes.

Tho Laura was a very pretty auburned-brunette with rosy cheeks, she was one of my best friends and I never ever thought to compare myself to her. I had dark brown hair, parted in the middle with strong cowlicks on either side of my forehead, was a little chubby, and since I sucked my thumb until I was probably four, I had very bucked front teeth. But I never didn't feel pretty. I was just me: a happy girl who liked her friends, school, reading and rainbows. That was good enough. Sean seemed to like us both equally and at that age, it was just a given you didn't spend much time with your boyfriend. It was just at school. I mean, forget about kissing. Ew. We just chased the boys on certain days and tickled them when they let us catch them.. and vice versa. That was the extent of those relationships in those days. It didn't get any deeper than that.

In fourth grade, Brenda became my best friend. She was a big-eyed, freckled, blonde, pretty, very thin and taller than me and our babysitters were only two houses away from each other. We couldn't be separated. We also both had a crush on the most popular boy in our class, Ryan Daly. Sandy brown hair and adorably cute, he got along with everyone and we both sort of admired him from afar. Well, until one day he sent Brenda a note. I don't remember much about what, if anything, happened between them, but I remember acutely how jealous I was. I tried to hide it and I think I did. I loved my friend to pieces and I could see how thrilled she was, but I think this was the first time I became aware of what I lacked. My insecurity was born.

Being a grown woman now, you would think at some point those insecurities would've been conquered and quieted - and a lot of them have. You would also think I would've had some more significant relationships that mattered by now, which is true. But I'm one of the rare (?) people who have never had a longer relationship than one year. I've never lived with anyone. Never been married. Never even come close. I've been in love a lot. Genuinely and for real. And I have been loved back just as fiercely. I certainly wouldn't be single if any of those had worked out, but since the longest one, a decade ago, these connections have amounted to less and less time before it takes the other party to decide it isn't working. There are still a few that stand out as important loves, who were passionate, learning experiences for me and they're still people I count as part of my life, but I can see now that all of them were stepping stones to getting where I am now and defining clearly what I want from a partner.

The two most significant ex-boyfriends helped shape my sense of self not because I was with them the longest, but because of the connection we had. And still to this day, it amazes me, knowing them now, how strongly I was pulled in their direction as if they were oxygen and I had been holding my breath my whole life.

Anthony was my second boyfriend here in Seattle. From the moment I met him in line at an audition, I knew he was bad for me. Bad in the way you know a chemistry is good, which made it difficult for the year-long boyfriend I already had. I saw this charming boy solely as a new friend whom I bonded with for a day while we stood in line for this insane cattle call and even talked about my boyfriend quite a bit so I thought that had been established. Knowing what I know now tho, I can see, in retrospect, Anthony saw that as a challenge.

We really clicked, but it was still just platonic for me. I remember soon after we met that we had one particular conversation over the phone where I told him straight up that I loved my boyfriend and wasn't leaving him for Anthony because I just couldn't see us together. And he sounded ok with that. He didn't bring it up again until we were spending more time together than a 'just friends' pair usually does. We talked for hours all the time.. in a way my boyfriend and I never did.. but I kept thinking I was having fun with a new friend.

Then one afternoon, we had a movie moment. You know.. the long gaze before someone is about to leave after spending time with you and you both feel the pull to kiss, but you don't. We talked about it later and I realized it'd only taken him two weeks to completely diminish my loyalty to my boyfriend, which astounded me for how passionately I'd previously sounded in my dedication to him. But during that conversation, Anthony probably manipulated the edge of the fence he knew I was on and he told me he thought I was worth fighting for.. and at that moment, I knew he could offer me something more than my current boyfriend's consistent jealousy and low self-esteem. For two months straight, we never slept apart and I'd never felt so close to someone.

Movie love is great, but ultimately, not long-lasting. Cumulatively, we only dated for about nine months and broke up twice over that year and a half we were trying to figure it out. Tho he helped me become so much more comfortable with myself and being apart of a relationship, he needed more affirmation than one girl could provide. God I was destroyed for months when it was finally over between us.

Tho it felt like an eternity before I let my heart heal from that, it probably wasn't long before I met Ali, a Canadian Iranian, who was a friend of a friend, roommate of someone I'd been casually dating in BC, and long story short, one New Year's Eve night, the timing was perfect and again, I had stars in my eyes.

Ali is still one of the loves of my life I feel. Even after eight years, I still melt at the sound of his voice over the phone. He still calls me his angel and I go completely weak at the knees. But since he lives in BC, it just wasn't realistic to keep love maintained no matter how much we wanted to. It was too hard and made weekends we spent together too pressure-filled to be perfect. But he made me feel beautiful and loved when he would kiss the palm of my hand and then put it to his cheek. And when he told me how my smiles - every one of them because they were all different - were magic, I would blush and smile more and he'd say, 'Yes, that one right there,' and I would feel like the luckiest girl in the world. How can you not love someone like that? I would cry on the way home after every weekend visit because it was so hard to leave him.

During our relationship, we both had some terrific tragedies happen around us that neither of us could've foreseen nor could we bandage very well from that distance. Disappointments and misunderstandings increased and soon we disintegrated. We've had many talks over the years since we've still remained friends, tried to get back together here and there, but one visit we settled it once and for all. We both acknowledged how much we had loved each other, learned from the other, but for both of us, tho the other was someone who'd always remain significant for us, we'd realized that love isn't always enough. You think that if you can get the timing right and you both feel the same way that it will contain you, nurture you, satisfy you.. but that's not always the case. It was an extremely valuable lesson to learn.

Since then, I've mistakenly loved others who haven't been able to return that feeling for whatever reason. Tho I felt that familiar pull to them, they figured out they didn't and probably wouldn't ever feel it for me. Again, timing is everything. Recognizing what you want and not settling is too. And tho I tried the casual thing again recently, I was denying what I really wanted.

When I wrote that last post, I admitted to myself that it's not only ok to want those things I wrote, but if you do and you're not getting them, you should be in a space where they're conducive to finding you and I wasn't. So after some talking, I decided to let Boris go because you can't force someone to give you what they aren't capable of providing and when they tell you what their limitations are, you should believe them.

Because I had to be honest that I fell pretty hard for Boris, I ended things with The Actor as well and find myself licking wounds and not in a place to date anyone right now. I didn't think it was fair to date someone just to avoid being lonely and I couldn't have been very engaged while thinking of someone else I had lost. And since Boris and I have been friends most of the year, it feels heavier because I miss our friendship and now it's going to be awkward and weird until we figure that out.

This is the part I hate about risking.. but you have to admit, risk is not preferential. You have just as much chance at being happy as you do breaking your own heart.. and I willingly take that risk all the time. I know.. I do it to myself, but if I didn't, I think I'd become so bitter I would shrivel up and die and I just can't do that to myself. I refuse to be afraid like that. I believe in hope.

The new year is only a few weeks away and it always reminds me to keep moving forward. I'm not perfect, but I'm happier now than I ever have been with my imperfections. I have my days, but overall, I think more positively. I think I'm getting closer to finding that partner who will take that leap with me because I'm getting better about defining what I'm being offered and knowing it's not going to be enough. Everyone wants love, but not everyone wants to admit it because it makes them vulnerable. Yeah, it's a lot scarier than your second grade crush, but when did we lose that spunk and become so cautious and hesitant? I'm going into this new year welcoming the unknown of opening up, hoping out loud, and asking the Universe for what I want because I'm done settling for less than that.

I'm not a kid anymore and I want love with a partner that doesn't require being shared with a third party. I want something mature and that continues to evolve and grow rather than stagnate and leave me with more questions than answers. I want a love that is fearless.. because there is no room for any other love that is less than that in my life. I want more. And finally, I know it's ok to ask for it.