I want to be chosen. I want to be pursued. I want to be the priority. I want to be ached for, desired, and loved for me. I want to be needed. I want to be adored, cherished, and protected. Above all others. The most. More than anyone else ever in his past. Because he wants to. Not because he feels obligated. Not because there is no one else. Because I am me. Because I'm the right person. Because I make him laugh. Because he's drawn for reasons that are more than he thinks I'm pretty. But also, in addition to that. Even out of the shower, hair astray. Or in the shower, soap in my eyes, no mystery left.
But there is no choosing. There is just now. It is what it is and there is no name for that. Sometimes that is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes I understand and want to allow for more space. Sometimes I don't know why I feel like I need things to be rushed. Or maybe I'm not rushing. I just want. And the want makes me insist that things happen now. Or soon. Or eventually. But really, does it matter when? Does it even matter if? If I'm not that person. If none of that happens. But if there's a relationship that happens anyway and over time, but that time doesn't equal forever or ‛as long as we both shall live' or whichever is less or whichever is more, does that make it less valid or less acceptable or less what I want?
I want the day to day. The boring of the same old thing. The settled feeling that you can fight and he will still be there tomorrow because what you have matters more than the argument. The stability of reliance when good news needs celebrated and bad news requires a shoulder. Dates for friends' weddings, for birthdays, for New Year's Eve, for Valentine's. A cohort during boring holiday functions for work or family. A sense of ‛we' and still a sense of individuality. Not a single unit, but a partnership that has a force of unity driving it. The person who not only calls you on what you still need to work on, but helps you with that process.
Your balance. Your sounding board. The opinion that matters most. Your emergency contact. The person you kiss goodnight. Every night. Your family. Your shining light at the end of a dark day. The heart that's strong enough to shelter your hopes and dreams and protects you from your fears.
The heart that houses your heart. Because it wants to.
Someone who is yours. Because he wants to be. And so he is.
16 comments:
That's beautiful. How could that be expressed any better? It couldn't. You deserve it, hon. Is it coincidence that your song won't play and only gives a "file error" or is there significance? Just saying.
You're always welcome to come and play with me on my travels next week. Caribbean rum might be a good love placeholder...
pix: It probably was coincidence.. but I changed it anyway. Your suggestion was better.
Wish I could go with you. I can't think of a better getaway. The last one w/ you cleared my head too. Must mean something.
uh, wow. all most speechless yet compelled to say something. The first word is "ditto". I want that, I think we all want that, we all deserve that much. So much that is so little, so simple, but means more than all the world.
First of all, love, love, love the photo that accompanies the post.
Second, this is so amazing, poignant, beautiful, honest, I could go on and on...
I wish for this for you. I know that you'll find it some day and I know that you deserve it so much.
Love you.
Pardon the crassness of my language and in some ways the unromantic qualities of the next statement (in contrast to your beautiful written expression of love, commitment, and romance):
You fuckin rock.
Wow. I always feel small and insignificant when I read stuff that's as good as this. That turned a bad day into a good day. Thank you.
kevin: Exactly.
kario: Just found it online. Thought it said what I wanted symbolically.
And thanks! I know you do and I couldn't love you more for it. xo
oneday: You made me laugh this morning w/ that. Thank you, sugar.
paul: You're far from insignificant, dear.. but thank you. That made my day as well.
Of course you know I think you are lovely and deserve everything you mention here, in spades.
A lot of people think romance = cliches (candles, flowers, blah blah schmoopycakes). I think you really defined true romance very well. It's the routine, the comfort.
I just always wonder how you *get* to that point. Because the fear has to go away. You have to trust. At some point, both people have to close their eyes and jump.
I think your words are beautiful and I'm so glad you won't settle for anything less than what you absolutely deserve.
That was really moving babes...I think you captured what everyone is both yearning for and desiring.
I hope you find it.
(sometimes I feel like the best I'll be able to do is pretend I have something like that while denying all the things that point towards, well, reality - it's an awful sort of hunger)
Incredibly well put. You have a wonderful way with words!
~Sherry
Oh sweetie, you deserve all this and more. Aim high, otherwise you just end up with crap. I hope you find the guy of your dreams. xxx
shine: Oh sweetie.. sigh.. I wonder too. 'At some point, both people have to close their eyes and jump.' I can't tell you how many times I've said exactly that. I just wish those people had the courage when I needed them most to jump with me. Must mean that they weren't the right person. Clearly.
indi: Thank you sugar. Here's to both of us finding it.. and everyone else.
popeye: You said that well. Hunger, ache.. not sure what to call it, but I think ultimately, it's a basic need in life.
sherry: Thank you! That's very sweet!
milf: Thank you! I think everyone does. I guess I just thought if I asked for too much at some point, no one would be able to deliver. What I see is that I don't ask for what I want/need at all and end up disappointed. But it's a lot clearer now.
I love you, sugar. Just thinking it so, um, it leaked out again. I'm proud of you re: everything lately.
xo
I've always had faith in there being that special someone, or even special someones, but as I'm getting older, I also now realise how important timing is.
I spent three celibate years thinking about this. And also about how love and sex don't need to go together but how lovely it is when they do.
Thinking you are pretty special, and hoping you will blog soon,
Px
pix: I know you're not here to read this.. but thank you. I needed that. I love you too. xoxo
pom: The special feeling is mutual sister. Thank you for your sweet words. Sending love your way. xoxo
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