Pulling Out That Negative Thread

I know I'm supposed to be writing you all about my adventures that I had for a week in the middle of a dried up lake bed in Nevada with my friends and roughly 50,000 other strangers, but life has been happening since I've been back and that might have to be discussed first. Also because the day to day of Burning Man I blabbered all over my Mac in a looong love letter to the Boyfriend, it has to be edited. Lots of work to be done still.

Til then, let's talk about coming back.

Life was more of the same this time than upon my return last year. I have to say, my re-entry to normalcy and a mostly dust-free environment was slightly disappointing. First of all, I was less tan. Wtf? I don't think I was out as often or for as long this year. Or maybe I had better sunscreen. Damn! And last year I came back with this Zen-like high of calmness that I rode for weeks. This time, that feeling was barely noticeable. I'm not sure why the difference. But beyond spending basically three days straight with the Boyfriend where we barely left his apartment, I came back to who I was before I'd left rather than a shinier, more advanced version of myself.

How do I explain? I dunno.. I think it was all the sun I absorbed last year - and some of it had to do with having no shade structure whatsoever til like day three, which = not smart and hi - old lady wrinkles by 40.. uh uh. Yet, that's my guess and it was a really good thing. Hi, I live in Seattle. According to movies made in the 90s, it rains nine months out of the year here and they don't lie. Sun and all its glory make all the difference in your outlook if you can find a way to get the percentage you're sorely lacking during the rest of the time you're being soaked by drizzley weather in just the one or two vacations you get a year! Phew!

Last year, for weeks, nothing bothered me, work was smooth, I was.. ahh.. peaceful. It was this odd feeling that I welcomed completely because it'd washed over me without me even noticing.. a happiness as well as this easy confidence. One of my friends said I would certainly come down from it, which was odd to me because I felt 'down', not high up and out of control. I was grounded and calm.

Eventually, my ocd-caffeinated-yappy-chihuahua self came back, but it was a slow conversion. When I did see my evolved twin had gone, I missed her and looked forward to the next trip when I might find her again.

But she didn't come back in the same way. She wasn't missing, but she wasn't as obvious and she didn't linger. I'm not sure if I crowded her in with the company of the Boyfriend and I during our reunioning and that sent her away more quickly or what. But I have to admit, for a little while after I returned.. like um.. two weeks, I could barely be without him. I think I was trying to suffocate that ache I felt for a week of no contact, no emails, no texts, no calls.. and yes, I know you're groaning over there with disgust. And I'll admit to being 'that girl'.. but show me another person who can be around me as close to 24/7 as you can get for 2.5 months straight without once being annoyed or loving me any less or freaking out cuz he doesn't know what he wants.. because y'all know he's a fucking miracle.. right? So yeah, I maybe missed him a whole freakin lot.

All joking aside, I would kill to have that Burning Man joy and warmth still going within me because something pretty yucky has developed and maybe that's why Miss D version 2.0 made her getaway so quickly.

That vicious little child who lives inside me - who came out earlier this year at work when I was pushed to an edge I couldn't come back from - seems to be raising her ugly head again. I kept thinking it was a personality conflict when it started here at work then and I do think in that situation that was partially true. But I have these reactions - not sure what it's from or if it's 'fight or flight' and therefore I'm the girl who usually fights - but whatever it is, it's not good. They're not calm, they're not positive, they're hurtful and angry, full of resentment and a lack of explanation as to why I can't say one of oh.. 85 other things and in a much calmer and supportive way. It's ugly. I feel very Jekyl and Hyde and become this very frustrated monster.

This time it seems like I have more of an idea of what it is - I feel marginalized, I feel left out, not important enough, valued enough, not included. I have no idea why I feel these things though and no idea why my reactions are so excessive to the point of hurting others, causing scenes and conflict and overwhelming tension.. not to mention, really making no sense when I try to explain why I feel these things and/or what caused it.

I have an appointment to continue my counseling tomorrow. I'm trying not to expect too much because it can move slower than I'd like it to, but I just want to fix this before I leave a slew of damaged relationships in my wake. I'm lucky at this moment it's not affecting work because I feel more reserved there, as if I learned that lesson. But I take the freedom I have outside of my office for granted - and that I can just say whatever I want to others because of that freedom. That's not the case. That's arrogance. And it's not fair to others around me - to Shine, to Jake, to the band.. So far Shine and the band have taken the brunt of it. But there was even some crabbiness on the way home from Burning Man with my friends in that crew, which I thought was just all of us pushing ourselves to exhaustion. I don't know if any of that is what it is - I just know it's happening too often. And discussing it with Jake makes me scared it will bleed over to that relationship as well if I'm not careful. Even if it doesn't, why would he want to be with someone who beyond the drama, creates exhausting and destructive situations that are possibly unforgivable? You can't continue to think an apology for those kinds of things will wipe the slate clean. People lose patience. I might still be a good person.. but I might be a good person who needs a lot more counseling before she becomes a full-fledged abuser of some sort. I don't know.. is that extreme to think so? And if so, am I so off-base? I have no idea. It's just what's going thru my mind.

Whatever the cause, it's inexcuseable and I'm terribly ashamed. I don't know when that feeling has been so acute before but I think it's getting the message across clearly that I need to take serious preventative measures in my behavior before I do or say something that's irreparable. Tho to be honest, I'm not sure I haven't done that already..

Oh to acknowledge your own hubris as a human being is extremely humbling. I only hope I can make these changes swiftly and completely so those who love me don't lose their patience or their faith in me.. I don't want to continue to let them down. I don't want to continue to let myself down. I don't recognize this person. I shouldn't need a vacation to bring back a sense of evolution and growth. It should come from within me. Wish me luck in finding it.. soon.

What's The Story Morning Glory?

Alright bitches my people.. I'm back. I've been back, yes, I know.. however, holy crap it's taken me a long time to recover and clean up and yes, I'll admit, the boyfriend and I have pretty much been glued at the hip since I've come home.

Love. Whaddya do?

Well.. that's private. So there.. but I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS! I need to get some writing done soon and I will I promise! There will be pictures and funny stories and more pictures.. and I'm at a good place finally to make a little time to accomplish this.. so if you could just bear with me a little teensy bit longer, the three of you who haven't given up on me, I will not let you down.

Hang in there.. be back soon! xo