Going With The Flow..

I'm sure you all go in phases just like I do.. and my writing is no different. Sometimes I want to write about everything.. and sometimes, like when I started letting go of the journaling that took the actual handwritten word, I just couldn't relive things and didn't want to go back over them. Mostly, handwriting became a pain. It's not like the angst of growing up anymore - living that is. I'm not scribbling thru my tears that a boy said something viscious behind my back or that my parents had grounded me for the zillionth time. It's a lot more of reflecting, seeing where I went wrong, asking how I can grow from that and what happens from here.

And finding the time.

How does life get exceedingly busier as one gets older? Do we make excuses or is it really that busy? I know certain friends have started families.. and I see how that keeps them busy. Children need so much looking after that parents just run out of energy by the end of the day and you can lose touch with your grown-up and non-procreating friends because your life is filled with Dora the Explorer, a precocious two-year-old and another not even a year old.

I can't exactly relate other than I'm the auntie to those examples and quite a few other special small people. I love that part. Knowing them since they've been born, seeing them grow, become incredibly smart and ambitious. I see that joy in parenthood and one day and maybe I'll explore that with a partner. Not right now though.

Right now, I still feel like I'm in my twenties. Maybe because a lot of my friends are barely 30 or younger or they're not married, even if they have significant others, and we all rent, for the most part. There's certainly a lot less bar-hopping and a lot less pressure to be a certain way, which I'm so relieved by. I don't have to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I can be at a different type of bar where my friends and I can play board games all night. Not one where the girls are outside puking and the guys are throwing punches - tho that type of place, like in Belltown, has never been something I've ever been interested in.

I love the core group I have. We don't see each other all the time, but I've seen a vast improvement since the holidays have passed, which is nice. We're all different types too, but I love that the there's such a likeable energy between everyone. Even the Boyfriend has a man-crush on Boz.. and they don't get to see each other often, but his girlfriend and I appreciate the witnessing of a possible new friendship. Boyfriend needs some new people in his life and I'm happy that I have such good friends around me that those things are possible.

Now that I'm no longer apart of Boyfriend's theater company, I'm hoping to see some positive changes in us as well. What we've found tho is that regardless of the drama inside the theater, we have some communication challenges. I think we'll work thru them. It's just a matter of undertanding the other person a little more and seeing how words said one way can set someone off or hurt them and said another way are a lot more productive. It's also making sure that both of us don't take each other for granted - especially with how theater can suck all the time and life out of you. It's demanding and the hours can be grueling when getting ready to put up a new show. He's got more pressure than that because he's the owner/executive director of his own theater where I can come and go from any theater that has room for me, do my job, and leave once the show is over. He can't do that because there's always the next show to plan, meetings to have, board members to secure, money to raise. Somewhere in all that, there is trying to spend time with girlfriend and trying not to fall asleep while spending said time with said girlfriend. It's a difficult position for him to be in and we rise and fall sometimes because of the stress all that creates. We're both hopeful tho. The future isn't discussed in concrete terms, but the connection between us is strong. Love is enough right now.

The newest development is a relocation - yes to be closer to the Boyfriend and a little more of city life on Capitol Hill. Also a teeny bit closer to work. I'll be paying a little more in rent, but it's a cute little mother-in-law one bedroom that I get to my whole little self. All my utilities are included, the pet deposit was waived, which Miss Emma was thrilled about, there's a nice washer and dryer in the small garage where I also have my own space for storage, and a small backyard, which Miss Em can wander in and feel all Misstress of Her Domain. We're both pretty ecstatic about our new digs and tho moving is our least favorite thing to do.. oh.. ever, we're in high spirits and collecting boxes like mad. There will be painting as the inside needs a little bit of a facelift that way. I hate that dim yellowish off-white they paint for a generic glow in most places. I need a little more warmth and the landlord is very kind and willing to see what I do with the place.

It will have been almost a decade since I lived on my own. The last time was when I was 28. I was in a 400 square foot apartment where all the bathroom fixtures were mauve and there wasn't even enough room for a couch or an extra chair. My bed was used for any seating needed and since it was so small, I never had anyone over really except those I dated and then the bed served its purpose.. And I was pretty happy with my little digs tho the building was incredibly old. Even had original tenants I was told from the 60's (I think I met her once. She was asleep on the stairs, with grocery bags still in her hands. I thought she was dead and maybe screamed, which woke her up and she chastized me for being so loud because she was only napping.). The second floor smelled like someone was constantly chain smoking in it, which I couldn't stand, but I lived on the third.

I left to find comfort in the company of a roommate when everyone died - my maternal grandfather that February, my father that May, and my paternal grandmother in June. My boyfriend, Ali, and I broke up in July due to all that weight so my heart was in a good state of shreddedness by then and I just couldn't bear coming home to being all alone any longer.

I hope I'm a much different person than I was then. Stronger anyway. I used to crave being around people all the time. Now, I enjoy the time I have alone when I have it.. and sometimes, I really only want the Boyfriend if I'm needing company. I love my friends tho, love seeing all of us grow apart and together, evolving and morphing into grown ups - tho not one of my friends, even those who are parents, look their age.

So tonight is celebrating the cementing of the new digs with friends around, board games, drinks flowing, laughter, living thru Seattle's grey and chilly winter.. and waiting for the brightness of Spring to get its ass here. Boyfriend turns 27 next week - and we celebrate that too this weekend. I'm looking forward to spoiling him and showing him I'm in this whole-heartedly with him. My stepdad is also doing really well, surprisingly, with all the radiation and chemo treatments that he's had the last three weeks.. and in a couple more weekends, I head to Portland to see two of my closest college girlfriends I haven't seen or talked to in about 14 years. Horrible pictures I'm sure will ensue.

Life. Is. Good.