I let go. I said goodbye. The show closed at the end of June and I tried not to think of us not being together and not celebrating what would've been our one year anniversary. I gave Boy the keys to the theatre I'd had for the last year and he took them without flinching or acknowledging the weight they may have carried for me.. but it was settled. I left at the end of the night and didn't look back.. But there he was three days later, unexpectedly. He walked in during the few hours we were there for strike the following Tuesday tho he didn't bother to tell me he'd be there and I'd mistakenly assumed he wouldn't be. I just thought.. why? Why did he have to be there for the two very small hours I was? And why did it sting more than being around him every night for the last three performances of the show? Because I thought that was the last time I'd see or talk to him til.. well, til whenever he gets 'perspective'.. and I stop thinking about when that will be. And for some reason, I think that will be a long time. Sigh..
Right after that, I was fine. The sun shone so bright and hot I actually made it down to Madison Beach with a friendly male companion, caught some rays, splashed around in the water, and didn't realize til it was over that we were sort of on a date. I'm really blind sometimes. I didn't figure it out til he kissed me at the end - after he officially asked me out on a first date. A little backwards if you ask me, not that he did - but I let him have his kiss. And I thought about going out with him - even went so far as to get it scheduled - then backed out earlier this week. I was grateful for his understanding.
I tried it. I can't do it, the dating thing, right now. Most people would say it's a bad idea anyway, but some friends, tho they don't think I should jump into anything, also support me getting 'back out there'. I had this panicky feeling of being alone somewhere into a couple of months of the break up. I went out on a limb and reactivated my online profile, but tho they're all lovely people, it seems unreasonable to ask for their patience. They need you to be in a place you can date. Sounds fair enough since that's what you're on the site for.. but I was just testing waters, dipping in toes.. I dunno - some days it was ok. It was rejuvenating to feel validated, flirted with, attractive and inspired by possible beginnings. And some days, I felt smothered, claustrophobic, like it was a waste of their time and mine, and worse, I felt deceitful making small talk while knowing someone else still has my heart.
I've done what I can to continue and take care of myself and what's helped is we're being pushed so hard at work someone thought they maybe should give us a little something to keep us around so they spoiled us with a health and wellness program. Doesn't sound all that great til you walk into THE MOST AMAZING GYM EVER. The very same fancy gym owned by Microsoft and HOLY COW it's SUPERNICE! Can you say AMENITIES?! I bet you can! My favorite? The jacuzzi in the locker room. Along with a sauna AND a steam room. LOVE. IT. The second floor of said supernice gym? Made without flourescent lighting INTENTIONALLY! For the sole purpose of MY relaxation! It's the second best place I'd like to live.. next to Whole Foods of course. Ok, not live live there.. but it could be my rec room definitely.. I sometimes go during my lunch since it's uber close to our office and sit in the hot tup for like 30 min. HI. HOT TUB. AT LUNCH. Could it BE any more AWESOME?! No. No it could not. Unless of course there was a pool boy. And umbrella drinks. But I digress. It's great. It's stellar. Like, the water fountains? They have this handy dandy little wand on them that spouts FILTERED WATER. Filtered THREE times. IT'S JUST A WATER FOUNTAIN PEOPLE. AND because our office is subsidizing all but $15 whole dollars that I pay from my paycheck, I can afford said fancy club because let me tell you - you DO NOT want to know how RIDICULOUS the cost is a month.. The joining fee alone is $400! As in.. GASP - WTF?! WHO is lucky? That's right.. for once, you bet your stair-climbing, eliptical-moving, hot-tubbing ass.. it's ME.
And let me say, I need that hot tub these days because I am a badass apartment painter. I am indeed! The living room is no longer this nasty, disgusting smoker's-tartar yellow. It's a gorgeous light aqua, almost minty without being too green or too blue and it goes perfectly with everything in it. I primed the bookcase, I taped all up in the living room's business, I painted trim up and down and sideways and other than the red on the door that I messed up by pulling the tape off a bit too early on one spot, I'm just about done.
Hi. Can you say trashed? Sweet Jesus.. help me one day get back to some semblance of a room where people live again..
With the living room, that is. The rest of my place? Yeah, still a dingy yellow beige. As in insert gag sound here. Don't fret tho, I have all my other colors here ready and waiting. There'll be two (count 'em TWO) shades of sage greens in the kitchen with red cupboard doors when I'm through, a lovely beachy-feeling light periwinkle in the bathroom, and a deeper periwinkle (I do love me that purpley-blue color - puts me right at ease instantly) for my bedroom. And people, it took two whole weekends just to finish the living room. I'm going to be at this for a while. The goal is to get it done before I leave for Barcelona at the end of September.
Oh yeah. Hey.. I'm taking a trip. Yeah, it's a little place called FUCKING SPAIN! Maybe you've heard of it?! I'M GOING TO SPAIN! WHOO HOO! Ok ok.. I could've left out the profanity.. but WHY?! IT'S SPAIN! More precisely, I'M GOING TO BARCELONA! FOR LIKE ELEVEN WHOLE DAYS! Yes I am!
Hi.. I don't travel much. Clearly. Also? I'm a dork.
Anyway, so many of my friends have been there and haven't stopped talking about its beauty or just the amazing feeling being there and it's stuck in my head as somewhere I've wanted to visit for a long time. The other places I have on my list were discussed as dream trips with the ex and it just didn't seem right to go while my heart's still grieving. It would just be too lonely and sad and I don't want to be sad anymore. I want some new energy and life inspired by sun and siestas and sangria.. and whatever the hell else I'll find there on my own. I've never adventured on a big trip alone, let alone going solo in Europe. I'm sassy as all get out, but worldly I am not. I just pretend.. and I'm not so good at that. This is beyond past due what I should've done for myself a long time ago. It's a requirement.. and once I get my visa renewed, I doubt there will be much stopping me. Well, besides the allotted vacation time of course.. but it's about damn time I saw the rest of the globe and broadened my perspective instead of keeping it cooped up safely in the confines of this little city and the people within it I insist on making my whole world. There's more out there.. and I just want to experience it, grow a little, heal a lot.. and find some peace.
Goals. It's about time I had some I think..
