A Kick In The Teeth And She Still Manages To Smile

Recently, while out with a male friend, a man in a threesome of strangers began chatting us up. All of them were very friendly and after the one man introduced us to his girlfriend, he asked if we were on a date. My friend and I answered at the same time. As clueless as usual, I innocently said, "No," while my companion replied a bit more slyly, "Well, I'm working on it." I shot him a surprised look. This is the same friend who asked me out a while ago and I'd told him I needed to think about it because I probably wasn't ready. He said that was cool and then laid an intentionally slow and drawn out kiss on me anyway. My knees might've gone a little weak, but after a few days of sitting with that idea, I still didn't go out with him. The backwardsness of it all - as well as his persistance - was sweet and random.. and flattering.

So our new friend, after I explained my situation and why we weren't dating, took in the facts of my break up and needed recovery time of my broken heart only for a split second before he leaned in close to my ear and said very matter-of-factly, "Get over it." The girlfriend and I shared a shocked look for a moment - also, we shared a birthday we'd discovered earlier so we understood the big-hearted nature of Scorpios and how we don't get over things (or people) quickly or easily. We just don't work that way. But I will say.. yeah, I maybe needed to hear someone say it. Outloud.

I was ok for a couple of days, but before that, had maybe had a weak moment combined with about an hour of time to kill and the sads kicked in out of no where and I was writing to Boy. I really sent it. I really told him a bunch of things. I missed him, this was hard, wasn't asking for him to come back, but I can't believe I'm going to Spain without him, painting my apartment like we talked about all by myself.. silly stuff. I missed talking to him. Having him in my life. And yeah, it feels like that's how it's always going to be. We just aren't going to be friends at any point - even tho I know I'm not ready yet. And I was ok with what I said. And he didn't write back. Well, til four days later. Why, you ask? Funny story actually. He was out of town on his yearly family vacation to Winthrop. If you were around last year at this time, this is where he took me last year and it was such a big deal for us that I meet his parents and just the whole idea of a trip together after we'd been together a couple of months and were so madly in love already.

And this year he took the new girl he's been dating for almost a month.

Um. Yeah. He's dating. Uh.. hm. *Insert heart-crushing noise here.* Ok. When he told me, he downplayed it. Said it wasn't a big deal. She's leaving for England to live in about two months. It didn't lessen what we had - blah blah blah. Yeah, I was in shock. I mean, for someone who told me maybe two months ago he was still in love but he couldn't focus on that because there were too many things demanding his attention. Right. He was busy.. so some of that's true.. and you and I (and he did too) know the rest is crap.

I pressed for more over IM and the shortest version of that is that he'd been with her for about three weeks. Knowing he'd been out of town on this trip, I asked if he took her, he said yes. And that had to sit for a minute because then came the obvious question - well, obvious to me because this is how things went with us - and I asked if he was in love with her. After some waffling and saying this wasn't good for me to hear and what was this going to help me with.. he said he thought he might be. In love. After three weeks. With someone who's leaving.

Awesome. Totally makes sense now. Now I can totally just let it go. Well, that's actually kind of true, but not til I CRIED MY FUCKING HEART OUT FOR TWO DAYS.

Well, it was better than a week I suppose.

Seriously, I'm probably a bit of a masochist, but the method to my madness is that I know myself pretty well and I know I was still really sad and not so very deep down, I was still hoping. I also know he hasn't come back and I maybe still hadn't faced it. I was still hiding away at times, feeling claustrophobic on dates or in groups, having moments of 'what if' thinking that wasn't helping me heal. So yes, it's surprising I'd asked him to tell me when this might happen and more surprising he really did (not to mention I also had to hear it from my stylist we sort of share because he found her at her new job and introduced the new girl to him in between making out with her and holding hands.. oh yeah. I heard all of it.), but after the emotions calmed and all the irrational questions and wondering.. I faced it. I faced the overness of it. For real.

So you know what I did? I took a long drive down to the Oregon coast and went to my 20 year high school reunion. TWENTY YEARS PEOPLE! I wore a fabulous dress and fantastic shoes, the grey in my 37-year-old hair had been colored and coifed.. and I was actually nervous! But you know what? The drive was good. I stopped to see my aunt and uncle in Portland overnight and had a good heart to heart with my aunt. Then went on down to Lincoln City where the weather couldn't have been more beautiful - the beach was clean, the air was fresh. It was gorgeous. And then I met up with my friends and had a really amazing night. It's so strange how you can be friends now with people you didn't gravitate to then or who didn't gravitate to you. Maybe it was the braces or the Gloria Estefan hair I had.. Oh yeah, believe it. But whatever it was, it was a good time and I thought.. you know.. life keeps going.