The Yin & The Yang

I came home from rehearsal today feeling beaten up and sore from spending my energy cleaning the theater. I didn't quite make a dent.. it's needing some heavy-duty work, but I got a head start on the company cleaning project for next week. Made me feel like things were a bit more in order and ready for this next show's opening, which is this Friday. The show isn't ready.. but I can't do anything about that so I cleaned instead.

My OCD was on a rampage so I let it take over and it continued once I got home. I cleaned everything I could. It didn't help that when I walked in the door, Miss Emma Kitty had left me, I kid you not, at least seven kitty barf messes. And one that was not barf.. Um. Hmmm. If that doesn't get you into cleaning, I swear to God, I don't know what will. I can't be mad at Miss Kitty.. the non-barf item was shown to her and her proper place for that as well. Sometimes she seems to forget for the spry thing she is.

It kind of reminded me of my new Ebay situation - the non-barf present. Ebay and Amazon have never let me down. You buy from random people, cute little stores, and you spend your money and the appropriate person or business sends you whatever you selected since you so promptly paid for it. Ebay, of course, is a bit different being that you have to bid and watch said item so you can, hopefully, win it. I don't use it often, but when I have bought jeans or phone batteries, or whatever, I've never ever had a problem. Not once. I'm rated a good buyer by everyone.

And then I felt I needed a new Mac Box Set to kick-start this little MacBook of mine. She's slowing down a bit in her old age of three whole years. Baby needs an upgraded pony. A new Mac is out of the question being that I'm still unemployed.. but wouldn't you know that you can bid on the box set, which is normally $165 retail and get it for a fraction of the cost. What I didn't know is that when I won said item at $107, including shipping, and paid for that baby, that would be the end of the transaction.

Like I said, I rarely buy things online and when I do, I read the fine print. This said 'Seller sends within 3 days of cleared payment'. At three days, I emailed the seller asking when to expect the item and added the appropriate 'please' and 'thank you' where needed. He wrote back the next day and said he'd been out of town on the win day (a Thursday) and would send on Tuesday. He didn't say he wasn't back so I didn't know why Monday wasn't an option and emailed back asking if that was possible. No response. Tuesday at 5pm and no email from him with the shipping info came so I emailed again, asking for a status. Then I looked up the item, found he'd re-listed either mine or a 'similar item' and really didn't understand. I emailed him again, now concerned that I really needed to know when this was being sent because he seems to have re-listed what I already paid for.

You'd think he might've been understanding. Sellers are supposed to send promptly, especially when you pay promptly. But I didn't get an ounce of that. What I did get was an email filled to the brim with snark saying he 'didn't live and breathe Ebay' and didn't appreciate 'all' my emails because two in one day was apparently overkill. Um.. I'm sorry, two emails are a bother, but taking my money and then NOT SENDING what I just PAID FOR isn't a problem? Hm.. Ok. Right. I'm the crazy one. He added he'd send the item that day and I shouldn't 'threaten' him with negative feedback. I didn't threaten him. I simply said I'd follow up with feedback if there were further issues. He hadn't done what he said he would, which is what feedback is for and the sellers set their terms, which he, himself, had not met. I'm still at a loss how that's unreasonable.

I asked for the eta and the shipping info to be sent by end of Wednesday, now six days after purchase. He immediately writes back and asks why he should send it at all now since I already posted the negative feedback, which is true. And, since they only give you a single line for this, all I said was, 'Been 5 days since won/pd for item and no shipping info sent. Really unhappy', which could've been fixed HAD HE SENT IT. But INSTEAD, tells me he WAS going to send it two-day air, but NOW I WON'T RECEIVE THE ITEM UNTIL HE 'FEELS LIKE SENDING IT'. This is after mocking me for shortening the word receive to rec'v, which in my former line of work, is normal and any moron would understand what I meant, but he said I clearly was saving time on using extra letters because he knew I 'had other people to piss off today'. Wow. Ok.. well.. actually, that's a pretty good zinger, but hardly the point because of course that wasn't what I was doing. So there. Then he proceeded to tell me my 'standards were to high' and 'you'll get it wen you get it'. I'm guessing 'wen' will be.. something around the time of never? But the guy was only good for one insult and the rest grammatically went down from there. I sure learned my lesson about who the smarter one of us is. I bet he's a real winner when using your and you're and there and their.

Um.. to my rescue was NOT Ebay or PayPal. Their policy is to wait seven days, which is fine, but they're auto response is that your item is 'probably on its way' and in the midst of being shipped. Um.. no, it's not. He told me it wasn't. But there's no match for that when you search for your 'question' of 'asshat seller who refuses to send purchased item out of retaliation and essentially just stole $107 from me'. No no, there is not.

Actually, 'they' are 'looking into it' and 'will attempt' to get to it 'in 30 days'. The status today says the seller has until June 27th to respond now. Because you know what? He hasn't. Color me shocked.

What I would like 'looked into' is just getting my money back. Do you think Apple would've given me this problem? Not in the slightest. You give them money, they give you stuff. That's how this retail type of world works. Because taking money and NOT giving you said wanted thing is actually A CRIME. It's called STEALING. Or in online situations, and within a fucking thesaurus, A SCAM. It's pretty clear the rules of selling on Ebay kind of look down on that practice (tho yeah, I probably shouldn't have written negative feedback BEFORE I received notice of the item being shipped.. ahem.. I know, ok?!).

Oh and in case you're wondering why I just didn't call PayPal or Ebay, I thought of that first. Like.. duh. But there is no number to reach Ebay or PayPal. Not even a teeny tiny customer service group out of India with strong accents I'd have trouble understanding. No hold music, no 30-minute wait. Simply no number to call. Ever. Genius really.

So here I am, NOT thinking about how much faster this little baby would move had something been sent in the mail in a timely fashion or all the cat puke stains on my bedroom carpet or the calamity on stage about to happen Friday. Here's why:

I made super yummy non-fat brownies for the cast for tomorrow's tech rehearsal.

I also made blueberry cornbread muffins. Also yummy. Broken all over the place tho but oh well. Muffin tops are the best anyway.

My house is totally clean.

Emma is the cutest kitty currently all curled up on the couch all mouse-like and I could just eat her up.. sort of. Not really.

I think I have no wrinkles on my face because seriously? This lotion, Neutrogena Healthy Skin with Alpha-Hydroxy/spf 15 might be the most amazing thing ever. Not new to me, just sharing. True story. I dare you to find a single crow's foot anywhere around my eyes. Pretty good for 38. Just saying.

I've been invited to my first ever gay wedding. Stoked!

Breathe (extended version) by Telepopmusik is simply one of the best songs ever. Provides instant relaxation for some reason and I always feel better listening to it.

A friend just bought me a massage. Just because. Hi. How awesome is that?! SO awesome, that's how! I kind of wanted to cry I need it so bad. More thank you's are in order for that.

I love my new theater friends. They are truly talented, which I admire, but they are just really good people. Sometimes, you have moments where things line up perfectly and perfect people come into your life. I just like that.

A local bartender just named a drink after me at one of my favorite little speakeasy bars. It's originally called the St. James Cooler, but I don't love whisky so Jameson is out. Instead he substituted brandy to the rest of the St. Germaine, lemonade, soda and mint. Try it. You might think it's refreshing and rather 'angelic' as well.

Off to bed thinking positively now.. I know I'm supposed to try a bit harder not to let the negatives get to me, but I also know myself and venting is cathartic. As long as I end on something happy, I think that's improvement. Sweet dreams kittens!

Reality Check

So that authentic person I was talking about being? Yeah.. sometimes that authentic person is just plain bitchy. Like for realz. I'm sure it's a dysfunction of my upbringing and it's something I've been fighting since I was in college when someone had to point out how negative I could be.. but ultimately, it's my fault now and up to me to fix because even I know it makes me not fun to be around. I don't have to be Pollyanna, but I don't have to be catty. I mean, sometimes catty has its place, but most of the time, it's just mean. But it's also sooo easy to be that way. Being nice takes effort. Being warm and genuine.. well.. has to come from a genuine place and maybe I don't always feel that towards certain people or certain situations and when I can't speak up and be honest, it manifests itself into nasty things like passive-aggressive comments and catty insults.

Hi, rude much? I kind of am. And I'm kind of calling myself out on it.

The other things I've noticed recently that go along with all this negativity are that I'm a raging control freak. Especially on projects that aren't mine. I think I know a better way to do it, everything is wrong about how the other person or people are doing it, and it just exponentially continues to make me into this stressed-out-beyond-understanding monster. I feel some sense of made-up ownership and I literally have to say the following outloud in order to stop: 'Why are you letting this get to you so much? If something is wrong, it's not all your responsibility. You've participated, you've assisted where you could, you were present. This. Is. Not. Your. Stress.. so stop worrying for chrissakes. Plus? It's not all wrong. This is fine. Things will be fine. Everything will work out. Because it will.'

Breathing helps.

Yes, I really did say a version of that to myself tonight. Did it stop me from being bitchy? Nope. But I had this feeling come over me as I was going home that I could've prevented most of that behavior and I chose an easier route of putting others down in a poor attempt of making myself look better.

Add to that my OCD-ness is getting slightly maddening and mixed with a project plus the control freakiness and I'm a little crazy intense maybe. I notice people just stop arguing with me because they've given up and whatever it's about isn't as important to them as it is to me. But it shouldn't be that important to me either. Seriously.. I've mentioned this issue with being bad at picking my battles and thought I was getting better at it, but I really don't think that's the case. Sometimes I have good reason, but I have to find a better way to go about it.

I'm not completely beating myself up here. Most of these realizations come with taking on company positions with the theater I'm working with and trying to help revitalize awareness about them. And the new ones of us who've joined have made some good strides in being available to help, coming up with productive ideas for new projects, assisting with the choosing of the next season and finding new directors and designers. All really good progress.

But change takes time and when you've been asked to help, you can't just take over. And for some reason, I keep thinking that's my role. And it's so not. No one wants to work with anyone who dictates. It has to be collaborative, which means you won't always agree on everything, but you have to maintain diplomacy so as to preserve order and stay productive.. otherwise people's feelings get hurt, resentment breeds rapidly and nothing comes together as it should.

I have to slow down sometimes in order to see these patterns in myself and theater's a funny beast. You only get so much time to create a show and it starts out like you have plenty of it and then suddenly, you're one week away and you don't have all the costumes, props aren't completed, the cast is sooo not ready.. but it always seems like it won't come together - and sometimes it works out anyway and sometimes it doesn't because it's just not a great show. It happens for varying reasons - but it does no one any good to add the weight of more negativity to that situation. When I slow down and stop taking so much ownership of things, I realize I have to be part of the solution and not part of the problem and I can only control what I can control, which is myself. All that energy spent on that much negativity just sucks the fun and happy out of me.

Then I just end up drinking a lot in order to unwind because it's so readily an option and geographically convenient to the theater as well as my own neighborhood. But it's the most immediate (see: unhealthy) way to deal with stress because when I'm this wound up, it's easy to over-do it. Like.. last night, for example, when a friend took me out. Drinks kept getting handed to me and even tho there weren't that many (they pour almost a two-shot standard, which I didn't know), after finally feeling relaxed, smiling and getting down on the dance floor with my friends, shortly thereafter I knew I was in trouble. Ugh.. I hate that feeling. As a result, I spent ALL day today recovering horizontally for the most part, unable to get out of bed til early afternoon, had three rounds of painkillers for my explody-feeling head and I'm doubting that's the way to regularly relieve that kind of internalized pressure. No no, it is not. Take heed, children.

Don't worry. I'm no alcoholic. That's not denial, honestly. I've always been a cheap date when it comes to booze and sometimes, I have to remind myself I've already been there, done that with that level of drink and I'm not in my 20's anymore. Thank God.. So, lesson re-learned and I'm soon back to my usual trick of one drink, then water, second drink, then done because the better over-all solution to all this would be to figure out how not to get so tightly wound in the first place. Be more a team player, less a steamroller. Yes.. right?

There's the rub. Epiphanies are all well and good, but you have to put in some effort to stop repeating destructive patterns. It's challenging and disorganization continues to push my OCD and control buttons, but I'll start trying to take on the things I can in more manageable chunks - something I learned in my Theater Business class. Works on so many levels.. but still, easier said than done, for me at least.

Man.. this being an adult stuff is hard.