So that authentic person I was talking about being? Yeah.. sometimes that authentic person is just plain bitchy. Like for realz. I'm sure it's a dysfunction of my upbringing and it's something I've been fighting since I was in college when someone had to point out how negative I could be.. but ultimately, it's my fault now and up to me to fix because even I know it makes me not fun to be around. I don't have to be Pollyanna, but I don't have to be catty. I mean, sometimes catty has its place, but most of the time, it's just mean. But it's also sooo easy to be that way. Being nice takes effort. Being warm and genuine.. well.. has to come from a genuine place and maybe I don't always feel that towards certain people or certain situations and when I can't speak up and be honest, it manifests itself into nasty things like passive-aggressive comments and catty insults.
Hi, rude much? I kind of am. And I'm kind of calling myself out on it.
The other things I've noticed recently that go along with all this negativity are that I'm a raging control freak. Especially on projects that aren't mine. I think I know a better way to do it, everything is wrong about how the other person or people are doing it, and it just exponentially continues to make me into this stressed-out-beyond-understanding monster. I feel some sense of made-up ownership and I literally have to say the following outloud in order to stop: 'Why are you letting this get to you so much? If something is wrong, it's not all your responsibility. You've participated, you've assisted where you could, you were present. This. Is. Not. Your. Stress.. so stop worrying for chrissakes. Plus? It's not all wrong. This is fine. Things will be fine. Everything will work out. Because it will.'
Breathing helps.
Yes, I really did say a version of that to myself tonight. Did it stop me from being bitchy? Nope. But I had this feeling come over me as I was going home that I could've prevented most of that behavior and I chose an easier route of putting others down in a poor attempt of making myself look better.
Add to that my OCD-ness is getting slightly maddening and mixed with a project plus the control freakiness and I'm a little crazy intense maybe. I notice people just stop arguing with me because they've given up and whatever it's about isn't as important to them as it is to me. But it shouldn't be that important to me either. Seriously.. I've mentioned this issue with being bad at picking my battles and thought I was getting better at it, but I really don't think that's the case. Sometimes I have good reason, but I have to find a better way to go about it.
I'm not completely beating myself up here. Most of these realizations come with taking on company positions with the theater I'm working with and trying to help revitalize awareness about them. And the new ones of us who've joined have made some good strides in being available to help, coming up with productive ideas for new projects, assisting with the choosing of the next season and finding new directors and designers. All really good progress.
But change takes time and when you've been asked to help, you can't just take over. And for some reason, I keep thinking that's my role. And it's so not. No one wants to work with anyone who dictates. It has to be collaborative, which means you won't always agree on everything, but you have to maintain diplomacy so as to preserve order and stay productive.. otherwise people's feelings get hurt, resentment breeds rapidly and nothing comes together as it should.
I have to slow down sometimes in order to see these patterns in myself and theater's a funny beast. You only get so much time to create a show and it starts out like you have plenty of it and then suddenly, you're one week away and you don't have all the costumes, props aren't completed, the cast is sooo not ready.. but it always seems like it won't come together - and sometimes it works out anyway and sometimes it doesn't because it's just not a great show. It happens for varying reasons - but it does no one any good to add the weight of more negativity to that situation. When I slow down and stop taking so much ownership of things, I realize I have to be part of the solution and not part of the problem and I can only control what I can control, which is myself. All that energy spent on that much negativity just sucks the fun and happy out of me.
Then I just end up drinking a lot in order to unwind because it's so readily an option and geographically convenient to the theater as well as my own neighborhood. But it's the most immediate (see: unhealthy) way to deal with stress because when I'm this wound up, it's easy to over-do it. Like.. last night, for example, when a friend took me out. Drinks kept getting handed to me and even tho there weren't that many (they pour almost a two-shot standard, which I didn't know), after finally feeling relaxed, smiling and getting down on the dance floor with my friends, shortly thereafter I knew I was in trouble. Ugh.. I hate that feeling. As a result, I spent ALL day today recovering horizontally for the most part, unable to get out of bed til early afternoon, had three rounds of painkillers for my explody-feeling head and I'm doubting that's the way to regularly relieve that kind of internalized pressure. No no, it is not. Take heed, children.
Don't worry. I'm no alcoholic. That's not denial, honestly. I've always been a cheap date when it comes to booze and sometimes, I have to remind myself I've already been there, done that with that level of drink and I'm not in my 20's anymore. Thank God.. So, lesson re-learned and I'm soon back to my usual trick of one drink, then water, second drink, then done because the better over-all solution to all this would be to figure out how not to get so tightly wound in the first place. Be more a team player, less a steamroller. Yes.. right?
There's the rub. Epiphanies are all well and good, but you have to put in some effort to stop repeating destructive patterns. It's challenging and disorganization continues to push my OCD and control buttons, but I'll start trying to take on the things I can in more manageable chunks - something I learned in my Theater Business class. Works on so many levels.. but still, easier said than done, for me at least.
Man.. this being an adult stuff is hard.
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