Unanonymous

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog for the right reasons.. well, ok, scratch that. I did. I started it for me. To work thru things, to be who I wanted, have my own sense of grammar where I made myself laugh at the dumb things I did or said and didn't take myself too seriously. When I first started, I think I definitely took myself too seriously.. and I made blogging mistakes and soon learned being on the fancypants interweb that there is a sense of etiquette even if you're mad at someone you'll never talk to again.. because you might make up. Or, if there's no making up to be had, people could use the words you wrote on said fancypants interweb against you somehow. Of course, it would've helped had I started it anonymously in the first place.

But I didn't. And I did it that way to keep myself accountable. To myself. For me at least, in order to be genuine, you had to know me. Know more than just my relationships thru made up code names and tho I never talked a lot about my day jobs really, it's because they never identified me anyway. They just gave me a reason to feel like a contributing member of society. But with my words and creating them here, I could hone a personality that literally put anything I wanted 'out there' but I forced myself to just be as real as possible because I honestly don't know any other way to be. I could pretend, but it's actually harder to do and the writing would be so forced.

So I'm just me. As I try to be in Real Life. I write what I live and hope it's not boring as all get out because no one wants to read drivel like that. I try to be true to myself and recognize that as I'm getting older, I'm calming down, maturing from this little girl I used to be, and I'm happier with who I've become. I'm not done figuring things out by any means.. it's just nice to feel more settled with who I am.

That said, sometimes things are boring. Sometimes they're so challenging, it's hard to write them out again because I don't want to relive them.. or so much has happened it'd take 20 posts to explain it all and that seems daunting. And sometimes there are just random things that don't seem to go together, kind of like now, and I just write and hope it all ties together.

This weekend, I came home tipsy at 3am from the closing night party of the last show I stage managed and I felt it was time. It really didn't take that long to write, but from start to finish, I summarized most of the last year and then said I didn't understand why we hadn't done this already, after all I thought we'd meant to each other. I said I hoped we could figure out how we might be able to reconnect and be friends someday.. and off that email went to The Boy.

I don't regret it. It needed to happen. It's been almost a year since we've seen each other face to face and I actually knew it would take this long. And of course, I hadn't written something like that before to prove I was stronger than that pull he had on me and because once you send it, you're only waiting for the response and I didn't want to be that girl. So I waited til I knew not only was I stronger, but my heart was healed and I wouldn't live or die based on whether he wrote me back or not.. And no, I'm not dead, of course, and it barely crossed my mind today til I thought about writing and I realized I haven't received any response. And it's fine. But there's that teeny part of me.. that part only I can tell is still there like a scar that if you press it, you can still feel the memory of the hurt..

I wrote Carmen to catch her up on most of the things happening lately as well because life has ramped up and I've been busy with the theater and taking on some big company roles, which is pretty thrilling.. but I thought maybe soon I could come down to visit her while getting in some time with my mom. Since it's been some time since Carmen and her family have had to absorb that I'm the daughter Carmen gave up for adoption and would like to know her, I asked if maybe I could meet two of the four half-siblings I have who live in the area. And for some reason I expected that with a couple of months, they would be just as curious as I was to meet and connect with them.. but it turns out, not so much. They really have no interest in meeting me at all.. at least not right now. It's weird to feel disappointed and also apathetic at the same time. I don't know them so it doesn't seem like a huge deal.. until I put some thought into it and then not ever having siblings who look like me or have any blood relation before, I'm excited by the idea - but I also don't allow myself to hope that of complete strangers. They're so virtual it doesn't hurt.. but the rejection of meeting me does, if that makes any sense at all and I'm not sure it does.

I could start over - another blog that is. Where no one knows me and try another voice and another approach, but it wouldn't be me. I don't hide much of anything and eventually a similar personality would appear if anyone cared to compare them.. not that anyone would. But sometimes, I envy the moments where I know others can do and say anything with no consequences to face going from the virtual world to the Real Life them. But I just don't know how to do that. I want to connect by being real even in this computer-generated circle because I'm a connector in Real Life too. Even if the boyfriend of almost a year lets another whole year pass by in complete silence after we're over, I wonder why that much space is necessary and feel like being friends would be worthwhile. And, even if it's not an instant family reunion after finding my bio mom, I still want to see if some sense of family might come out of it.

I could've let The Boy continue to think I'm invisible, but I was over letting time pass without knowing each other to some degree. I could've done the same thing with Carmen. Not ask to meet her or not care if my siblings aren't ready to know me.. but I don't know how to live anonymously like that. I don't know how to give up or prevent it from effecting me, no matter how mature I get. It won't destroy me, but it certainly challenges a spark in me to stay lit when it wants to fade and give up. So I keep trying. I speak up. I say how I feel when I feel it. I try to act like a grown up when dealing with difficult situations. And I want last year's ick to be so far buried under the good that's created from working at things like these situations so I keep reaching out and hoping the connections I'm trying to make are reciprocated and stick.. and if they're not or if they don't, well.. I know I was as authentic as I can be.

It's risky - the fact that I don't hide much and you can find a lot about me here.. sometimes saying it way too loudly in caps and over-emphasized with too many swear words.. trying to extend myself with those who I think matter, but might not think the same of me.. but that's the point. It's where it gets interesting. I just can't blend into the crowd. The attention whore in me won't allow that especially when there's just no challenge in being anonymous. No one knows who that is. I like the challenge of being myself because I think that girl kind of rocks.