My Kind Of Math: Sun + Karma + Blogversary = Happy!

Today could not possibly be more gorgeous. The weather is perfect - a very warm 65 degrees that knocked on my door this morning and beckoned me to come outside my funky victorian apartment with Miss Emma Kitty and absorb some of its magical rays. So we rolled out of bed to do so - after coffee first of course - and I dressed passably enough to not be in pajamas, by which I mean I put a bra on, put the t-shirt back on that I wore to bed and added some cute little cargo pants and some flips. I might've even brushed my hair.. I mean, I'm not completely white trash. Add a flamingo lawn ornament and maybe a mojito in my hand and I could be in a postcard you'd wish you were getting.

Today feels different than the rest of this week but I started to feel this sense of independence yesterday. I don't get it often. I'm not a girl who likes to be alone much. But I imagined a lazy morning, some sitting in the sun on my semi-porch (and thus since starting this post, have burnt my arms for being out so long. Note to self: at least spf 15 is required in this Global Warmed World even with my Mexican skintone. Gah.), a little cardio at the gym and then a night of stage managing the fun cast I've been working with on Poona the Fuckdog. And so far, it's good. I take this feeling when it happens. Sort of like the one I get when I just start cleaning. I don't stop myself because I get on this roll and it just feels good. So when I'm happy being alone, it's not only welcomed, but it's a relief knowing that I'm stronger than I realize sometimes. I'm fine on my own or dating or being out with a group of friends. It also might be that I'm finally letting go of the hurt and insecurity that came with the last heartbreak and that's a giant weight lifted.

I run into people associated with Boy's theater occasionally and sometimes they're weird and sometimes they're super cool depending on who they are. Leaving that world shook me. I thought I'd still be connected despite the break up and/or leaving the company, but I found that wasn't the case due to the fact most of those relationships weren't very real and maybe I wasn't all that well liked considering my boyfriend was the executive director and I guess people thought he was babying me. Who knows.. moreover.. who cares..

That said, not everyone is like that in the theater world and just making new connections and starting to feel refreshed is something positive. I'm considering auditioning again, tho I hate it - as do most actors - but if I get my shit together I could start to get a feel if I really do suck or if this is something I could at least do once in a while. Being a stage manager is good when I need a bossy kick.. but it's not very creative. I need an attention whore outlet once in a while, I have to admit, and it's been long overdue.

In the meantime, unemployed is what I still call myself since the nannying is just part-time and I'm not sure I'll continue it long-term. I require my own nap after looking after children all day.. and by all day I mean maybe six hours sometimes. It's a level of exhaustion I didn't expect - not that I don't adore them and their families, because I do, but you can't take your eyes off them for a second or they could fall down the stairs, blind themselves or a sibling with the tail of a plastic alligator, hit their chin on a table corner, fall off a stool.. I mean, dear God - they should be enveloped in bubble wrap for safety at all times in my opinion - tho I'm sure Children's Services would have something to say about that.. but it's just a suggestion.

Dating is still there.. some new options have made themselves known, but I'm not thinking about it too much or putting too much pressure on anyone. Maybe it's this gorgeous sun shining down on my face and making my freckles pop that inspires an extra boost of happy just in being with myself or just another girlfriend to make everything feel like it's working these days. I love the idea of finally letting last year go and even tho this one came with a rocky start, it seems that's how my years tend to begin so I should just know by the time spring arrives, everything will smooth itself out.

Speaking of which, tho I'm about a week late - it was the last day of April five years ago was when I began this blog. A lot has happened. I've grown up a bit, I think I was funnier then, but whatever - I'm all at the same time cockier and more self-deprecating. I'm not sure if there's a word for that other than perspective. I think I'm awesome, but yeah.. I'm a complete dork who makes a kajillion mistakes and I fall down a lot in public. It's a trade off. But overall? I'm happier, I feel good that I'm still here, still writing honestly and doing my best to be true to myself. I'm proud of that. And I hope you are too.. my FOUR readers. Hey, that's fine with me. I'm no prima donna, but I do love love.. so I'll take whatever I can get. Happy Blogversary to me!

As usual, please feel free to send wine or money.. or wine-flavored money.. whatever.