Life: Accelerated

I'm sure you've noticed - or maybe you haven't because unlike me, you probably live somewhere that actually has more than the two seasons Seattle has of August and winter - but I haven't been able to keep up with writing because when the sun does come out here, I've actually been in it.

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Missing: One Sun For The 4th Of July

It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone who's local that summer starts on July 5th. Something about the fireworks blowing up into the atmosphere kicks Mother Nature in the ass and reminds her that she's behind in sharing the warmer weather with all of us in the Northwest. That said, spring might be late, but by June it always feels like summer is just around the corner. And this year? Yeah.. not so much summer because spring was non-existant. Basically February stuck around for four months. I mean, THIS was the weather we had all damn day on the 4th of July:

I grew up on the Oregon Coast so I'm used to it, but I'm so over the grey and overcast summers that area gets, which is why I left. Rainy, chilly, uncomfortable. Three words I'd never use to describe even a Seattle 4th of July, but this time we didn't see one lick of sun for a single minute. Part of me would've rather had just stayed inside in my pajamas and watched a movie if I wasn't convinced how unsociable that would've been.

My new friend, who I'll call Tallulah (because she's quite classy this one - if she talked with a southern drawl, it wouldn't surprise me.), came to my rescue and let me crash her plans and her friends' party that afternoon. From there, the day just got better and better.

Tallula looking sultry - much more sultry than the day. She was so brave to go sleeveless while I was wearing someone else's sweatshirt over my coat.. brrr..

Who, I ask you.. WHO builds a fire on the 4th of July in the middle of the city? Seriously. It was that cold.

Ironic the flag was completely in the way.. or was it?! Maybe it was the most perfect thing ever!

From that point, it was just a series of 'Beautiful! Wish you were here!' sort of picturesque moments - as you can see. Thank you very much.

Please take note of this one above: The big billowy clouds of smoke near the bottom? Yeah.. that's from the barge. The barge with all the fireworks you can NEVER see when you're anywhere in Seattle for the event because there's too many damn people in front of you or you're on a hill or hanging out of a balcony of some random apartment miles away.. but this?! This view was probably 100 yards or so away from said barge because I WAS ON A HOUSEBOAT MOTHER F*CKER. Aww yeah.. Did I fail to mention that?

Me. Dancing the night away on said motherfuckin' houseboat. Yeah. I said it. It was the best damn 4th of July EVER.

Tallulah and I on the 'deck' of the houseboat with fancy sparklers. Also? Hoping no one bumps us because that deck? Like three feet wide before it ended at the water. And lots of it. I was fully prepared to go over at some point and realize my keys, purse, camera, and hat - all of which were in my hands - would all be lost in the water because that's just the type of stuff that happens to me. True story. And shockingly, not a single accident that night. I know.. right? Amazing.

So we ended up on this houseboat because we wandered down from Tallulah's friend's place on Eastlake - and if the neighborhood's name isn't obvious, it borders the water. The east part. As in.. duh. But not far from Gasworks Park and the University District and where the fireworks barge hangs out and does its business on the 4th of July every year. Down on the edge of the streets where all the houseboats are is the best place to be right under the fireworks - that is unless you are lucky enough to own a houseboat yourself. And we were not. However, we were cute girls and there just happened to be a group of guys wandering down past a rope going towards a private dock and when we slowed down because we couldn't go past it, they waved us on and told us they were headed to a party down there and we should come with them. So like the apparently unafraid-of-potential-serial-killers adventurous chics that we are, we did. Best decision we made that day.

We mingled with some people, met a couple of cute guys and found out they were all friends who came together from all over the country to do this party once a year. We danced til the wee hours, tried to move the party to a bar up the hill and away from the rich and sleepy houseboat neighbors out of respect, but the dive bar couldn't handle the crowd and got rowdy fast so we called it a night. The boys didn't work out for either of us, even tho I got some kissin' the next night after we all had a really lovely dinner together.. but ultimately, he didn't like my baggage so I never heard from him again and Tallulah wasn't completely into her boy who was from L.A. anyway. Whatevs we said. It's all onwards and upwards.

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The Play's The Thing

The roller coaster continues and I'm up to my neck in theater, which is all kinds of so many adjectives I don't know where to start. It's amazing and frustrating and stressful and rewarding and overwhelming to pick just a few. I've stage managed three shows in a row, this last one being my least favorite, but finding other priorities like PR for the upcoming shows and projects to focus on or being part of the rather organic committee we created to organize our short play festival coming up in less than two weeks OR just committing today to actually directing one of said short plays because we needed directors. Ack!

Yeah.. I've never directed before. I mean, I'm certainly bossy with opinions about everything and oh yeah, I'm a fantastic criticizer once I see decisions and visions are already made. That's easy. 'Um.. that's wrong.. I wouldn't have done it that way. Meh - I would've been clearer with the details there.' Yeah. Simple right? Once something's in place then you can see a semblance of how you'd change it. You're building upon someone's original idea and making it better. But to create that idea out of thin air and all on your own is something altogether different.

It's just a ten-minute piece. Ten minutes. Can't be that hard right? Or it could be the worst ten minutes of people's lives. Ten minutes they wish they could be stabbing their eyes out with a ballpoint pen because that would be less painful than the train-wreck they just witnessed.

It goes up August 13th and 14th. Hi soon. Practically tomorrow. And it's not even completely cast yet. Nope.. not nervous at all. But hey.. this is how I learn.. and putting my college degree for acting to good use. I'll act like a director! Yeah!

(Fuuuuuuck)

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The Year Of Magical Thinking

And I find myself, halfway thru the year, feeling like things are finally starting to lighten. The Boy and I are talking a bit over email. I know he's with someone else, but a whole year and then some we haven't seen each other and only a few emails last August that we've talked. Anything's improvement over silence and I still hope for a friendship out it one day. I miss him in my life and we'll see if that's something real or imagined soon enough.

I have an interview on Wednesday - finally - for another corporate position. After considering going back into the restaurant industry and not doing it yet because it'll clash with any theater schedule making it impossible, I'm really crossing my fingers for this one. I'd like to be able to breathe before the unemployment runs out and it's getting close. You work ten years straight in the corporate world and you barely get enough to live on for much more than six months if you lose your job. Seems really disproportionate to the work you put in.

And then the other shoe dropped.

My best friend I like to call Butterfly was the subject of an email her husband sent last week to me and many of their close friends and family. She told me the last time I saw her a few months ago that she was pregnant with their third child and tho I was really happy for her, I rarely see her so I knew I'd see her even less. I try, but when you have a family, your priorities change and you get other mommy friends who have schedules like yours. I understand, I just miss her.

I thought, without seeing the subject of the email, that this might be something about her upcoming birthday.. but after reading the first sentence about how hard this last week has been for all of them, I knew it was something different.

He said she's been diagnosed with breast cancer and I tried to read the rest and understand, but her husband's a doctor and some of it just went over my head. I had to do that later because for the next few hours, it all got a bit foggy and went in slow motion. I seriously stood in front of my laptop the whole time, unable to move, trying not to cry and be brave for her.. not that it'd help being halfway across the city.. but I cried anyway. Still am writing this now.

The good news is it's not in her lymph nodes and it's hormone receptive. The bad news is they can't stage it, which is everything for prognosis. When I read up on it trying to find anything I could on the web, I found that it gets complicated very fast when it's found in pregnant women because they tend to dismiss something abnormal thinking it's just due to the pregnancy so it tends to be caught in the later stages. Also, being receptive to hormones, the tumor grows from progesterone and estrogen, which are higher when you're pregnant. They can try to fight it with hormone blockers but I have no idea what that means for the pregnancy. I doubt that's even the biggest priority tho when it's really an issue of whether she'll need chemo or radiation. I read that surgery isn't an issue to remove it - I mean, surgery is always a risk, but still, she and the baby should be fine, tho they recommend mastectomy immediately and usually both breasts just to be safe (not that that doesn't hit the absolute core of identifying yourself as a woman.. ugh), and even chemo is possible while you're pregnant. It's whether she'll need radiation or not depending on what stage it is.. and if she does.. the safety of the baby can no longer be guaranteed.

I can't even discuss survival rates because yes, I looked them up and this is why they do all the walks and fundraisers and have pink frickin ribbons everywhere because certainly women survive it, but there are just as many that don't. I mean, it's fucking cancer. They don't consider you in remission til after you're disease-free for five years (I think that's right - please feel free to correct me) and it has a high percentage of recurring within that time or even afterwards when you think you've beaten it.. and then it has a high chance of beating you. What that said to me is that, at minimum, she's got a five-year battle ahead of her.. probably more. And that absolutely kills me for her and her family. Not to mention she has the most gorgeous hair on the planet. I'm constantly envious.

I can repeat how unfair it is til I turn blue but it won't make it better. I'm reminded of how this year started with my purse being stolen on New Year's Eve and wonder if this is the third item in the list of bad things to happen because the first one just felt too ominous not to be recognized as such on the cusp of a new year. A month later, I'm unemployed and I know it sounds silly, but that 'happens in threes' thing happens to me and it usually escalates when it does. Last time it was this obvious was in college when my bike was stolen, my cat was hit by a car, and my father was diagnosed with leukemia. Someone suggested that the earlier setbacks I'd experienced were preparations for the bigger one that knocked me off my feet hard and swift. And it certainly felt like it. Not that this is about me at all. It's not, but again, it just feels like preparation and it's so so scary.

I don't pray or go to church, but when a squirrel jumps in front of my car or I see an accident on the freeway, there's an automatic thank you and hope for whomever that things and people are ok that goes out from me to the world. So in this situation, my fair weather belief kicks in and I have to hope the Universe hears me because this girl is not only a light to me and makes me a better person just by being around her, but she does that for everyone, which is why she's so phenomenal. I sent her six birthday cards she should've received all on the same day trying to get her mind off of this weight for a minute and remember the wackiness that is our friendship and what makes us laugh when we do manage to be in the same place together. I would've sent every card on the planet, but I'm trying my hardest to give them space to deal with all they have to process.

So I haven't written much lately.. as you can see. When people say 'Life got in the way', we all know what that means. In the simplest terms, it's just defining what it means to live: Finding joy and trying to be strong thru disappointments, recognizing the highs of being with friends and lovers and the lows of just being lonely, dealing with the stress as well as reaping the rewards of figuring out what you're good at, and taking in the good and bad news in general because you can't have one without the other.. tho goddammit.. I'd give anything for that not to be true right now.