When I was in second grade, I distinctly remember being terribly lovesick over the same boy my best friend, Laura, also liked. His name was scribbled in every possible fashion all over my book bag. At every recess, I'd pick daisies to bits chanting, ‛He loves me, he loves me not..' until I got the answer I was looking for. I don't remember talking with Laura about more than how cute he was, but I'm certain we never talked about sharing him and I distinctly remember that. During show and tell we'd sit on either side of him and he'd put an arm around each of us. For reals. Clearly we were way ahead of our time.. though now that I think about it, it was the 70's..
There's no doubt I've been boy crazy all my life though it's never been more incriminating than recently when I found my Hello Kitty diary listing a different boy's name at the end of almost every entry. Passionately scripted with an ‛I heart' whomever was the flavor of the day, I wondered while reading it as an adult if I ever thought of anything else. And honestly? Not sure I did. My college journals, though much angstier and a better vocabulary, read basically the same way. I sound terribly desperate, like I'm trying too hard, and just so incredibly naive and hopeful - as in totally setting myself up for heartbreak. I don't think I'm as naive - more jaded than anything now - but I'm not sure much else has changed.
It takes some work - to walk the line of being ready for a partner and not looking so hard for one that you seem desperate. It also seems like it's a bad thing to want one - as if that makes you seem weak, like you don't think you're completely whole without a boyfriend. And that's not the case at all. If it was, I'd never be single. And I'm single most often. I've lived in Seattle for about 17 years now and I've had four serious boyfriends. Four. Each lasted a year or less so really, that's not a lot and other than the first two, there was a massive amount of time between the rest.. like eight years. I wasn't holed away in a convent or anything during that time. Dating just never worked for longer than a few weeks or maybe something on and off for a month or two. And since the last one, in 2009 - well, you can do the math there.
There have been options.. good people too, not all liars, cheaters or wishy-washy types, though there have been plenty of those, but they're just not the right ones for me and I don't think I should settle. So if I rush into something, I'm foolish. If I don't fall for just anyone who's into me, then I'm too picky. Judgy much? And, of course, the ones I've crushed out on haven't felt the same way, aren't in the right place, or a combo of those two in addition to having left the country. Yes, really.
So I'm single and it's not a curse. I'm good on my own. I'm meeting heaps of new people, especially some kickass women who are becoming great friends. Writing is fabulously satisfying (if not always grammatically correct) and I threw out an idea I had to a playwriting friend of maybe writing a play about meeting my bio mom and he fully supported it. Another friend thinks I should look into a career in social media marketing. I mean, I feel like something is on the verge - not that I have any clue what that might be. A person or a thing or an opportunity is about to fall in my lap. Not sure how I know this, but something's coming. Seriously, I've been humming that West Side Story song. It really feels like that.. but you know.. with less dancing and much less stabbing at the end (though there has been a copious amount of karaoke with different groups of friends wherever and whenever we can get mic time - gay bars, karaoke bars, chinese restaurants.. we don't discriminate. Come out with us. If you can pry the mic from our hands, it's your turn to sing.).
Though, since I started this post, I met someone. Weird right? It's been a week since our first date last Thursday and we were basically inseparable for the first four days. I want to gush and be in the moment, but here I am trying to be logical this time and attempt to slow down what already started to snowball into what I think could be a good thing IF we don't fuck it up. It makes sense. I got burned last time I rushed. Though I was also burned when I took my time because I felt led on. And this one says he never rushes.. and he finds himself doing just that because he says he's ‛totally infatuated', which he also says he never feels. Um.. ok.. here's where the too-good-to-be-true anxiety kicks in where I think it should all line up, I'm getting everything I want, we spend a few fantastic weeks together and then BAM! He'll turn on a dime and disappear into thin air. He'll tell me he's seeing someone else. He's using me to cheat on someone. He's not ready because he just wants something casual.. or not at all. And listen - that's my brain being scared, wondering how I protect myself this time because getting hurt sucks. Hurting other people sucks. I want to be wise about this. I like him. He seems like a good guy with a good heart. He's super cute and smart and a snappy dresser (which you can't say about everyone, people.. no no, you can not.), a burner and we have things in common and he thinks I'm gorgeous and that he couldn't possibly get sick of me. Like seriously. He said that. And he's not a player. Get this - he thought I was. As in, he thought I was sooo pretty I couldn't possibly do more with men than chew them up and spit them out. Right? High-larious! He thinks I'm that kind of pretty! It's sort of a compliment.. when you think about it.
It's different to be told someone is willing to take a chance on you when they don't normally take chances. I want to believe it, but it's a risk at this early stage. So I planned a first date with someone else. Yes, I realize how that sounds.. like I'm messing up a good thing already. He agrees with you, dear reader. And, I'll admit, even with it all up front, it does feel funny. Earlier last week, I had no one to consider. Then a recent chance meeting at a museum of someone I kept running into anyway and suddenly, random guy is possible boyfriend material at the same time I go back to the online personals and one of the few possible glimmers of hope in that hot mess of single, D&D fanatics hits me up. What to do?
I don't think it's unreasonable to meet up with the second guy and see what, if anything, transpires. Most likely, nothing will. New Boy, however, doesn't see it that way. Had I done this a month into seeing him, I'd understand. If I was pursuing more options than this one guy who messaged me at the same time I started seeing New Boy, I'd get that a little too. That's not what's going on. We've been dating a week. We spent an inordinate amount of time together the first few days, and I'll give you it was really great, but you have to come up for air and be your own person and take time to see your friends, clean your apartment, do your laundry, veg.. I don't know.. just be without this new person once in a while so you can figure out if you miss them, if you're thinking about them, if you can't wait to see them.. but you can't do that if you continue to spend every possible second together, right? It's addicting to be into someone that much. I get it, but I also know myself and once in a while, when this has happened, the momentum of emotions disappears. Out of no where any feelings or attraction I had vanish and I can't get them back. I can't explain it when it happens because I don't understand it myself. All I can conclude is that we moved too fast, things happened too quickly and I need out as soon as possible, leaving someone hurt in my wake. It'd be great to.. you know.. avoid that.
So how do you find the balance of starting something new when there's excitement and connection and great sex (because hellooo.. I am in my prime, people..)? Good question.. because I swear it's all or nothing sometimes.. feast or famine when it comes to my luck with men. Most often they only want me when it's convenient for them, which isn't convenient for me. Then occasionally, they want me so much, they don't want to let me out of their site, which after feeling starved for affection, is a nice change, but that sort of deluge can be suffocating. Even a starving man will get full eventually and need time to digest before his next meal. That's where I am now. Digesting. Letting someone in, but only so much, because you shouldn't eat your appetizer, main course AND dessert all at once. And seriously, where's the cheese course in this analogy anyway? Mmm.. cheese.
