No Day But Today..

Anyone who knows me knows I sing. Pretty much all the time. When I'm in a normal and happy place (which y'all know I haven't been for a while, but one day I'll be back there), I hum at work, I sing in the car.. music is in my head all the damn time. I would die without it.

I've had a dream to be on Broadway for a long time.. probably since I decided to be an actor during high school when I was cast in my very first musical, You're A Good Man Charlie Brown.. I was Snoopy. When the lights went down, I felt it. I could be me.. but also a thousand other characters. I dreamed of dancing and singing my way thru life, struggling like the story goes for every actor to some degree.. but living my life as an artist. It was kind of magical.

Then I moved to Seattle to pursue real theater after college and suddenly bills and life and all the usual things got in the way. It was easy to forget what I'd come up here to pursue because I was just trying to survive.

Tho I've been involved with local theater steadily for the last couple of years now and have realized more of that original goal, every time I see a musical in the bigger theater houses in the city, my heart beats faster, my eyes get wider and that feeling that made me run away to theater school comes back. I'm using my degree but not in acting - and none of the theater I do involves singing. I know to a lot of people musicals are all cheese and I'll give them that.. but there's something exciting about using your voice for that art and creating synergy with well-written music.

RENT is one of those musicals that's big for me. When I first heard about it, it was different and young, very New York and brassy - and I met one of my first boyfriends here while we waited in the cattle call line to audition for the touring production so many years ago now. I had an awful cold and no voice at all, but wasn't about to miss the audition. It was my first experience of more waiting than auditioning, but I did it anyway. There were 600 of us. Only one girl was cast from the call.

I saw that touring production when it came back thru and was blown away by how much more fulfilling the show was live than just on the recording. Of course, none of the cast was from the original Broadway show, but they were incredible nonetheless. And tho, still kind of cheesy in moments, it pulled you in despite that and I left not only feeling moved, but admiring the cast who worked to get where they were.

Tonight I saw it for the second time and felt the exact same way. The two original Broadway leads who played Mark and Roger, Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp, were included in the cast this time. It was the closing show for the week's run here and we'd been given special 'house seats' by a friend who had connections to the tour - so we had third row balcony, pretty close to center, and Paramount Club access where there were complimentary appetizers and a private bar. The seats were fantastic and the extras added a little kick to our night.

When the show started, the leads brought my own personal soundtrack to life with their familiar voices I'd heard a kajillion times. It was pretty amazing to see them live and on stage in the flesh. The entire cast was great - especially my namesake, Angel, who always manages to steal the show for the most part. We laughed and cried.. MJ more than me this time.. and the entire audience immediately erupted into a standing ovation of cheers the moment it was over.

It reminded me why I wanted to get into theater. It made me want to pick up roots and run away to New York where musical theater lives, breathes and pays rent.. no pun intended. Seattle is more straight theater and I'm not sure it pushes me enough. It's a solid little area for sure, but maybe I'm feeling too comfortable. I don't know.. is it me that's too complacent or my environment? Maybe a combination of both. Or maybe I'm laying blame on the outside forces when I haven't done the work.. I haven't put in time to find voice lessons, work on audition pieces and find the auditions. I got so caught up in being behind the scenes because I was intimidated. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be so I wanted to back up and watch others do it for a while, take in those experiences and learn. Maybe I have tho.. maybe after my break from the world of drama that I've had on and off stage, I'll come back with some renewed energy, a healed heart would be nice too.. and a new focus within the passion that started me in this direction in the first place.

The show has a few themes but the overwhelming one is that of love.. and to live in the moment. Live like it's your last. Sounds like an Oprah affirmation for sure.. but honestly, who cares? If you allow it in, it's inspiring.. and I haven't felt inspired for a while. I'm just getting by because things have been so painful.. and the daily hurt is still there, to a lesser degree certainly, but it's there. I'm learning to move past it - most days are ok and some days still kind of overwhelmingly suck and I feel claustrophobic and inconsolable. I'm still in love with him for now. I will probably always love him. But I chose him for almost a year and gave that relationship everything I had. It hasn't been terribly long, but it's still time I chose myself, put my energy back into my own life and stopped looking back to see if he's noticed.. because, let's be honest.. he hasn't. And I'm not doing it for him or his reaction anyway.. I'm doing it for myself. Seasons of love indeed..

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

Observations

Music can not be loud enough for me lately. My friend, Jude, is kind enough to send me new tunes at the drop of a hat - and just about anything I could ask for. Such a gift.. The new Green Day is my favorite right now. I know people say a lot of shit about them.. Don't care. It's simply Dirty-Eye-Liner-Wearing-Punkish-Boy Rock.. and it's getting me thru. I put it on and instantly think, oh I'm not in the mood for this, but then another second later, I'm feeling lighter and rocking out in the car. It's frickin awesome.

Have you ever noticed - because it's painfully obvious - how Prius drivers are THE slowest drivers on the PLANET?! I'm just saying.

I eat a container of Trader Joe's hummus a week. That's 16 ounces.. a WHOLE POUND.. of HUMMUS! A WEEK!

Who is NOT excited for So You Think You Can Dance? Right.. don't answer that because EVERYONE should be! Hellooo! All the gay boys and I can't get enough.. AND they're doing a SECOND SHOW in the fall.. as in YAY! Tho I completely skipped watching the auditions from Seattle cuz I heard that was the worst city. Ouch. But Mary - we're sorry.. we're a town of actors and artists, not dancers. Not, shockingly, like Denver (tho - weird.. Denver? Who knew?!). Forgive? We forgive your annoying shouting so.. call it square? Good.

Haagen Daaz has a new flavor called Vanilla Honey Bee -- don't walk, RUN to get some because, hi, YUM! AAAAND they're doing it for a purpose! Did you know the honeybees are dying? DYING! Sad.. and really weird - they have a virus! And they produce flowers and berries and because of them things grow! They're kind of amazing tho yes, people are scared of bees, but honeybees are sweet! They're like the koala bears of the bear world.. but you know.. the bee one instead. So buy some first - and then put it over brownies because seriously.. sooo good!

Traveling alone has never appealed to me.. til now. I'm still pretty nervous about it.. but I think, come late August or early September, I might be taking a trip overseas. The destination is still unknown.. but the idea gets more and more exciting every time I think about it.

And according to a handful of people so far.. in order to get over someone, you need to go out with someone else. So, um.. after a successful event, which was completely marred for me because The Ex treated me like shit and I was so surprised by it that I let him, I cried all the next day, sent some emails that didn't make a damn bit of difference other than receiving his apology, which I wouldn't have been given had I not told him how hurtful he was the night before.. AND I moved onto the angry stage real fast. Yeah, I cried for a full day.. but not all week. That right there is improvement. Finding strength to keep going, to stop contacting him, to realize tho I knew it wasn't the end of the world, to really believe it, and to be happy despite being disappointed that he can love me all he wants, but he still made the choice to walk away.

So! My point was? It's still very small and I may clearly not be ready, but I reactivated my silly online dating profile. Yup! And you know what? Tho they aren't all men I'd be into, they kind of came out of the woodwork.. well, maybe because the paper sort of featured me - like on the login page of the personals. Like the next day after it was set up. Uh.. ok. Wow. A little embarrassing.. Just felt odd because it's so out there that The Ex is bound to be told someone's seen me.. tho I hope not because that wasn't my intention, but I did get a kick in the ass from Fatima for even caring because I don't owe him anything. I know he wants me to be happy, but I feel a little hypocritical after telling him how I didn't see myself moving on anytime soon. But I kind of said fuck it - he knows I love him - and he should know how much, he knows I'm proud of him and what we had.. but he let me go. By choice. And if the timing isn't right, then I should feel good enough to explore other relationships, meet new people and feel inspired by those who know who they are and what they want. The Ex isn't there yet.. and he knew I wasn't going to wait. I had to be reminded that life is too short and I give too much.. and no, I won't wait for 'the future to bring what it brings'.. because yawn. So. Over. It. I want to participate in my future a little sooner than what waiting for it will bring me. Screw waiting.

I can explain further another time.. but at least for this moment.. at like almost 1am when I have the most brilliant realizations, I mean.. don't you? I feel like the weight's lifting. Just in time for summer I'd say.

Memorial Weekend Indeed

I've been trying to find enlightenment and inspiration pretty much everywhere I can these days. I've been feeling sponge-like, flexible.. open to suggestion and anything else that crosses my path or walks thru my environment. I'm trying to reflect and process and just be. I'm trying to find joy and negate the weight in the pit of my stomach and the ache in my chest. It's easy to feel sorry for myself and so much more work to be positive, but as I come into my groove, it gets easier. The sun was out, I ended the weekend in another country - the closest I could get to being 'away' - and people-watched after a day of lazy dining and retail therapy with old friends.

I started the weekend doing errands at home. Then I went wandering to find some sweet gifts for MJ since I was heading out to her birthday party that night. While looking around for special things for her, I bought fancy treats for a special English girl going thru a situation similar to mine and having a rough time of it. It's so much nicer to try to make someone else feel better than wallowing in my own achey breaky heart madness. It makes me feel like I have a better purpose than thinking of myself.

On my way home, I stopped by Greenlake to get in a little exercise and fresh air. I do love taking in the scenery and Seattle was out en masse having the same thoughts that I had.

The first person I saw walk by me had on a t-shirt that said 'Be Brave' and being in the absorbant place I was, I took that as a direct message to myself. I thought 'Yes! I will be! I am!' It was a very gung-ho way to start my walk I thought because y'all know me.. I'm very gung-ho.Then there was this lovely woman, Middle-Eastern I believe, wearing her traditional clothing. She had a comforting face and tho I was wearing sunglasses, she connected with me, gave me a very genuine smile like she knew me, like we shared a secret, just between the two of us. I smiled back and said hello and she just nodded. I really don't know what it was about, but it gave me a very chicken-soup-for-the-soul moment that I carried with me for the rest of my walk.

On one side of the lake they were having an outrigger canoe competition! Très exciting! Then I walked by a portion of the lake well-known for where these darling little turtles collect to sunbathe all over the logs that are just off the bank. They're always there when the sun is out and you can't not be slightly adoring at how frickin cute they are.

You see all sorts of people walking around the lake on a sunny day. Straight couples, gay couples, traditional and alternative families, everyone having picnics, bikini-clad girls taking in the rays, dogs of every shape and size, teams playing soccer, basketball, or football, a family playing bocce ball, some couples playing croquet, and the mini-golf course looked packed as well. I looked for the sweet older man who wears a sign on his back that says 'Spanish Lessons' and takes a few minutes talking with you in conversational Spanish if you're so inclined, but he wasn't there that day. I also didn't see a single rollerblader, which is unusual, but I did see an older gentleman in actual roller skates getting down with his bad self. The middle of the lake was littered with rented paddle boats and the outskirts were crowded with old men and families fishing for a little something. Not only did I get in 3.2 miles, I also took the fact in that there is life - all kinds - around me.. and it was a good reminder that it keeps going so I might as well too.

My afternoon was so calm and cathartic that it seemed appropriate to let loose at MJ's party that night. Chinese food led to a rowdy karaoke bar where bad drinks led to louder cheers for whatever 80's song we thought was perfect to be sung. L'il Peach started with The Eurithmics, Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This, then I followed with Fiona's Criminal and it just went on from there. A neighboring table and two other birthdays joined in the celebrating and debauchery. MJ got up to sing BareNakedLadies' If I Had $1,000,000 with me, L'il Peach and I found our karaoke high with Abba's Take A Chance On Me that had the whole bar dancing and our neighbor's table closed the bar with The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now. Many MANY pictures were taken.. as you will see.. BUT we didn't stop there. We continued on to downtown where we cut a rug to some dancey grooves til about 3am and then decided we needed late-night hot dogs with the works before bed. It wasn't my party, but damn, it was the best time I'd had in a while. Also, did I mention drinks? Because there may have been many..

I show Erin a bit too much love here I believe..

MJ and L'il Peach are trying to be coy - I'm not sure what I'm doing.. being a ham? The usual probably.

Trying to be sexy.. I'm not sure what L'il Peach is doing.. but again, many many drinks.. keep in mind..

Underestimating how late Saturday night would keep me up, I'd made plans for a mid-morning brunch on Sunday with Yoda in Columbia City. I was surprised myself that I'd made it, but it was good for us to catch up. We hadn't in some time. I headed up to BC after that - looking forward to turning up the rockin' tunes in the car to as full blast as I could handle and passing thru the border easily. Well.. by 'easy' I meant 'fast' and the border wasn't that AT ALL.. but I did make it thru tho delayed, with no troubles. Met up with Ali and another friend, Skye-lea for drinks at a downtown bar and took in the Canadian ease about me.

I'm not sure my BC trip was everything I wanted, tho I'm not sure what I expected. Some friends I wrote to didn't respond to messages once I arrived so I just let happen what was going to happen, visited with Ali, and just let myself feel 'away'. We wandered and brunched on Monday, stopping to shop in Kitsilano where I got some sexy but probably slightly hoochie heeled sandals and eventually being shopped out, Ali and I said our goodbyes and I parked it at a cafe to write til the sun set. I then ventured wayyyy the heck out to Surrey to see my friend Joe and we talked and his mom fed me and it all felt very homey. Joe's mom is the Every Mom and I sort of wanted her to adopt me and take care of me for a bit since she was close and my own mother was a country and two states away. You can't just do that to your friends tho.. have their moms adopt you.. rude.

After dinner, I was homeward bound. The border was crossed quicker this time, but the gruff state-side patrol had to sternly remind me I need a passport come June 1st. Yes thank you officer (as in.. duh.. I read the InterWeb, thank you.. and if you did too, you would see it's still a week away.. so I don't actually need a passport do I? No.. not at this very moment because it is May 25th and not, in fact, June 1st.. so I'm not sure what is with the attitude buster.. you're going to let me pass now right? And yes, you are very manly, yes.. yes you are..)! I'm getting one oh-so-very soon! Smilesmilesmile..

I wish I could say I drove home to a perfectly tolerable work week, but you know when you're down and you're just getting steady? Wouldn't you know it.. your own stupid mouth gets your ass into trouble you didn't expect - even if it was just a misunderstanding and something that happened last week that you thought was cleared.. but apparently you are to be seen and not heard. And by you, I mean me. You knew that tho.

I'm a sponge! I'm open to understanding and change! I'm thinking positively!

Ok.. seriously.. just tell me it's going to get better (and consequently, I will also not be stupid enough to lose my job too.. god.. I couldn't take it.).. and oh yeah.. send wine. Ok, I'm kidding.. ok.. not really, but sort of.. I mean, no.. DO really send some. Do you think things could get worse?! C'mon!

The Process of Getting On..

Mother's Day was a pretty day. The sun was shining, the air smelled like flowers and it wasn't chilly at all. I sent texts and emails and left voicemails for my mother, grandmother and aunt and all my close friends with children or who are expecting children. My mom left for Hawaii the next day. I'm only bitter a teensy bit because tho I dream of a getaway to a warm beach a plane ride away, it's best I probably don't attempt that with family right now. Another time maybe, so I'm glad she's doing that for herself because she probably needs it just as badly as I do. I've had a huge craving for her to just take care of me tho and that's not really fair with all she's been thru, but lately, I could really go for a big long cry in her arms.

I'm trying to devise a plan for my summer - a way to force myself to keep going and keep busy so much that I'm not able to focus on missing my ex and I can get a break from the theatre community who pulls me back into those memories hard and fast. I'm committed to these last two projects that make me feel productive and happy about where those are going, however, they both take place within his theatre and when the last one ends, it will also be what would've been our one year anniversary together. It's just a disappointment I can't seem to get past.

It's silly I know - to hold onto an anniversary that we never had. We were chatting over IM the other day about said projects and I let him know I was really trying to be happy that we've known each other a year now and we're still apart of each other's lives rather than setting sights on that upcoming date we would miss marking together as a couple. It's more positive to think the former, but as June approaches, it's also hard to ignore the latter.

And I don't mean to ignore my writing here, but it's been hard to find anything to say other than 'I'm sad, blahblahblah, feel sorry for me, whine whine whine.' Who isn't sick of that?! I'm getting on my own nerves, but I just can't prevent it sometimes. And when I'm looming on the verge of pms, watch out. I'm a big pile of tears at least once if not eight times a day. Annoying.

But it hurts. All the missing of him..... It really really does. Sigh.. 

I at least eat, I throw myself into working out, but have recently gained a couple of pounds regardless. I just got some advice from a friend who's a former trainer so I'm hoping that makes a difference. I've bought some new books - the new one by David Sedaris that is wacky and at least makes me laugh, but I still can't listen to much music at all. Everything somehow reminds me of him unless it's techno and I'm so not in the mood to listen to that these days. I listen to a lot of NPR: This American Life, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and Whaddya Know, which also adds random levity.

In the meantime, I'm trying to prevent too much impulsive retail therapy. I seem to think with my tax refund that I have money coming out my ass. I have to admit tho, buying things helps. So far I've bought cute new shoes, make up in various shades and kinds, theater tickets for everyone and their dog including a pair for Boy and I to see RENT with the two original Broadway leads in June (I know, I know.. I'm a masochist, but god, we'd been talking about it for months.). I bought an extra large white shell-ish pendant and chain to wear in place of the necklaces he bought me for Christmas because tho I love those necklaces, it kills me to wear them and at the same time, I feel connected and hopeful in the smallest way - but I don't think it's healthy while there's so much sentiment attached to them (she says at the same time she's STILL going to a random but romantic rock musical with him during their almost-anniversary month.. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds.).

Mostly, I'm trying not to drink myself into a nightly stupor. This is difficult when wine helps A LOT. But luckily, I'm a lightweight so I rarely drink more than a couple glasses of anything when out with friends and I drink alone even less than that. And I'm alone about as much as wine helps get me thru things. So. Good thing I have David Sedaris and my tv.

Ohmygod - have you watched Southland? Awesome - and I saw a friend of mine on it recently who's a working actor in LA. That's never not rad. I'm heart'ing Castle a whole lot too. Cried all thru the second to last episode of the season of Grey's Anatomy last night - dear god.. stop me from watching that show - except you won't be able to - and then the Unusuals is also another good cop show, tho Amber Tamblyn kind of bugs. Personally, I'm just killing time til the new season of So You Think You Can Dance. Crossing fingers that someone awesomely fantastic gets in from Seattle since they had auditions here this year so we (me and all my gay boyfriends) have someone to root for.

I swear summer will not be filled with sunny days inside and pouting all the time. I refuse to do that to myself. I plan on taking some classes, which hopefully will include ballet and karate (Um.. not together and/or at the same time.. that would be weird.). I enjoyed both all thru college and have been wanting to get back into them here, but just haven't gotten around to finding classes available or the time. Clearly, if I don't want to sit around twiddling my thumbs (or doing some really unhealthy rebounding) when I'm on my theater/boy hiatus, I need something productive to do. Those seem the most likely candidates and they take up so much focus working to keep every part of your body engaged correctly, that I won't have time to think of missing anyone - not to mention all the yelling you get to do in karate that's incredibly therapeutic. There is no yelling in ballet. That would just be rude.

Alright - I'm off for the night. I'm going to see these people, Les Argonautes and have some laughs, which are long overdue this week. Oh, I'll be ok.. we know this, right? Eventually.. Time is fucking slow as all get out right now, that's all.. but if you want to send me some wine (or.. I dunno.. a pony?) to make it go faster, I promise to drink it and sleep oh-so soundly. AND send you a lovely thank you card to boot. Mwah!

Another Year, Another Blogversary For Me!

I can hardly believe it's been four years since I started blogging. That's a long time and a lot of posts that have encompassed some good, some bad, some difficult and happy, lots of break-ups.. and I hope more love than anything. A friend who apparently has been reading since I began said I sound calmer these days. I laughed. I just hope I've grown. I have my days and my bad habits and God knows I know how to rant and go on, don't I? Don't answer that. But I think I've grown up a lot, right here in front of all four of you. Thanks.. for allowing me that time, that is. I'm glad I have this.. I'm glad you're all there.. even if it's only virtual. Don't think that doesn't still count - because it does.

******************************

Last week was really pretty tough. Not that you're asking of course.. but you know, this blog is sort of all about me. I could say I'm not self-absorbed here, which you and I both know isn't true, however, it is my blog, right? I digress..

There are moments that bring a lot of light and joy. I don't love the way it comes and goes - the weight on my chest that makes me throw myself on my bed in a pile of tears or a good friend or even a kind acquaintance that takes the time to make a difference in my day and bring a smile to my face. It's a lot like this weather - grey and cloudy one moment and bright and sunny the next and I wish I could just bathe in the warmth of the latter. I'm trying.

The break up setting in combined with the usual hormonal shift was just slightly less than crushing and all I could hope for was the time to pass so I could get beyond it and feel better. It took forever, let me tell you. Most eternal weekend ever - and not in a good way.

As we're hitting the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival VIP night with friends tonight, Jake and I had to make sure we were outfitted appropriately. I was so looking forward to spending part of my Saturday afternoon with him. But as my emotions would have it, they were very close to the surface that morning and as soon as he walked in, they refused to be stifled much.

We made it thru brunch, which was lovely. It was good to see each other and I could see he just wanted things to be light. I really did too. I tried to be strong. His suit consisted of pretty much the first things he tried on from the first store we entered in Madison Park and it was gorgeous and perfect and such a deal. We even picked out sweet cuff links. We found the perfect tie downtown that was almost exactly what I'd envisioned. The last stop was Red Light back on the hill so I could get some shiny white gloves and that was that. Three hours had gone in a flash and I spent most of it wishing quietly in my head, trying to keep my emotions in check, and when I wasn't succeeding, holding onto him and trying to understand why we weren't together.

I was kind of pathetic.

He was very patient.

Until he wasn't.

Not his fault - I pushed for answers he couldn't provide once we pulled up to my house where I just should've said a sweet goodbye, given him a hug and gotten out of the car. But no. I had to say more, like I hadn't said ALL the words I could think of already because for some reason, I thought maybe if I found another way to tell him or show him how much I loved him and he realized how much he loved me, he'd see he was ready, he could be in this with me. And the tears! God.. where does all the water come from? No wonder Jake was frustrated and unable to say anything new and trying really hard to maintain his own composure.

I walked in the house and let myself cry it out - um.. for a couple of hours. Tho I was completely exhausted by the time I got to my show at Annex that night, I was grateful for the distraction and FINALLY, somewhere in the middle of the show, things eased up on my chest and it didn't hurt so much. I could breathe! I could laugh! And I sighed for relief that this was a really awful day - but I think I'd made it thru the worst part AND LIVED!

Sunday had me feeling like ok.. I will get thru this now and yes, it's sad, but he's still in my life and that's something positive. I also found a little more acceptance that it's more than likely he won't find his way back to me. And, even if we could manage that, the relationship we had is still over. We won't ever have the same relationship, which is a good thing because by the end of it, it was such a struggle - tho of course, it was really the happiest I've ever been in my life and that's saying something.

I ran around the city doing lots of errands and my spirts just felt much brighter. I was looking forward to some time with The Artist's new girlfriend, MJ, who was coming with me to see Sunday In The Park With George. The free tickets were courtesy of L'il Peach, Boz' girlfriend, who works at a bigger local theatre, which is nice that we have that world in common. I'd never seen it, but had heard much about it - mainly that it was about being an artist - and of course, loving that artist. Couldn't be more perfect right?

Once the show started, both MJ and I were immediately fascinated. The state-of-the-art tech effects transformed the whole museum-like setting on stage into a giant canvas with animated bits and it was simply magical. Seriously, it took our breath away.

The story? Um.. closer to home there. The entire first act is about a very dedicated artist - and the woman who loves him just as passionately - but he clearly makes no room for her and she can only feel in the way for so long before she finds the strength to leave.

Yup. Awesome.. as in cried the ENTIRE time.

The second act shifts to 100 years later and takes place in 1984. This was easier to get thru, but the connection remained and we were still tearing up at the end. It was incredibly moving and beautiful.

I raved to Jake about it the next day including everything it brought up for me. It stayed with me - the fact that creating art takes so much dedication and passion - and I was grateful to share that world with him even if we're not in the same portions of it.. We both love it, are driven by it - he certainly has more at stake than I do and it makes me really proud that I've been steeped in that life with him, even if only for less than a year.

So upwards and onwards, right? Let's test it with SEAF: one crazy and sexy event where I will be with some of my favorite friends and favorite now-ex-boyfriend. Yeah - I know - brilliant. Certainly not the best plan I've ever had. My stomach's in knots and my emotions that had been so good about finding other things to do this week have now risen closer to the surface. I'm challenging them to find Hope and Happiness and Love when he walks thru my door tonight so I can smile easily and joyfully - feeling no weight of what we are not any longer - and just enjoy myself and the time we have together.

Breathing helps..

A lot has happened in the last 12 months. This time last year I was grieving over a relationship that had been more dysfunctional than happy, I'd thrown myself into the theater community where I would meet wonderfully talented people who will probably always be a part of my life and renewed a passion for this art I cherish.. and I fell in love so powerfully, so completely that I discovered a freer and happier side of myself. I saw that in how he saw me. I've never felt so beautiful and so loved before.

I know now how strong I am. I know what's worth fighting for and that I fight for the right reasons, but I really hope over the coming year I don't have to continue to fight that hard. It's exhausting. Still, it's good to know what I'm capable of. It feels badass.. like I'm the Dirty Harry of Hope.. but you know, not as sweaty.

So here's to love for all of us.. the complete kind, the good kind, the best kind. And to this blog - and myself - a pat on the back for another year well spent living in that love as much as possible.