Jinxed

I talked a good talk despite my surprise at his confusion that seemed out of no where. I listened when I wasn't posing questions that continued to give me answers I didn't understand. I was calm when I asked if I'd done something wrong, but he said I hadn't. He said it was intuition, but didn't seem confident in trusting that himself and said it was often wrong. He said he wanted fireworks and it didn't seem they were developing. But again, he wasn't sure. He didn't seem to understand much more than I did, but he showed up to tell me what he thought was going on. He was honest even though it was difficult. I respected him for that. But eventually there was nothing I could do but look into his lovely blue eyes and handsome, scruffy face and let him go.

Then I cried. Sobbed actually. Enough to need tissues when he was in front me. So much after he left I think I only slept a few hours and woke up for work with a nagging headache and red, puffy eyes.

He needs some time to think. He has a lot going on - moving out of his apartment, packing for his five-week trip to Germany and he leaves in two weeks. We were going to spend as much time together as that prep allowed before he left since he doesn't come back til the end of July. Add in that two weeks he's still here and the fact we won't be together now and that space is about as long as we've been dating. It's a long time to hold out hope or not know if he's coming back to me or be sad because my experience says he won't. But maybe. I don't know. He promised to let me know as soon as he figures it out - whether that be before he leaves or at some point after he's left. But I can't be with him while he does that. And even that small bit of hope feels like it's just asking for further disappointment.

It sucks. I'm crushed. I know it's only been a short time, but this one felt like it was going to stick. We didn't rush, we had fun together, we worked well, we made sense. I mean we were pretty fucking awesome.. and still. No guarantees. I don't get it. I stamp my foot and yell at the ceiling like a child because it's really not fair.

Wednesday was hard to get through. Friends texted, emailed and sent supportive and loving messages on Facebook in response to my statuses I thought were cryptic and the stupid relationship change I swear I'd hidden from my timeline that spelled things out pretty clearly. Stupid Facebook. And after crying off and on most of the morning, it got a little easier by the end of the day. I had a nap, a shower I found myself hoping would rinse my sad away and didn't, but still felt a little lighter after. I met girlfriends for dinner and then we dashed to make it to the cute gelato place before they closed because gelato is a miracle cure. It is. Do not question the magic of gelato. You'll regret it. And not get any gelato. So. Just don't. Another friend met us there, then another joined at my neighborhood bar where my plan was to get completely shit-faced, but in reality, I hate the spins and I'm a lightweight.. so though I finished the first double one of my favorite bartenders concocted, I barely dented the second. I had to work today. Why kick myself when I'm down by adding a hangover? Don't answer that. I can't even wallow properly. I'm still too stunned.

Though I know this is not about me and purely about the Professor, I'm wounded and finding it hard to smile. But, I just finished the first three episodes of the second season of Downton Abbey and the weekend is filled with friends to provide plenty of hugs, birthday celebrations, a going away party and even a fancy-dress dinner with famous chefs. By Sunday, when there's nothing yet planned, I hope being social and pretending I'm ok translates into actually being true. I just have to keep going and continue the usual recovery stuff - drinking, eating, especially more gelato (seriously.. MAGIC I tell you!), and sleeping.. at least until I don't fit in my clothes or I'm not all achey in the heart anymore, whichever comes first.

Stupid heart anyway. Stupid things that are simply too good to be true. Stupid future I thought I saw. Stupid runny mascara. Stupid Universe that never helps a girl out. Sigh..