Door Closed, Window Open.. Check

I don't like the sap who wrote that last post. Re-reading it makes me sound pathetic. Of course I was sad and that's ok. The news sucker-punched me and I was entitled to act accordingly. I'm still processing and letting go of the ideas the Professor led me to believe, the feelings I had.. or thought I had.. I swear I'm not even sure what exactly I felt, though I thought it was love.. or falling.. but it's over so they've stopped growing obviously and in that I found some closure and maybe an ability to finally compartmentalize? I don't know. I'm not crazy broken and I have moments I keep checking in and wondering why I'm pretty much kind of ok.

We met up again the following Sunday after our break up. I had a gift for him before he left for his trip and he mentioned that taking the space was the right thing. The days after had been pretty hard for me to get through, especially the weekend where I just felt listless and depressed and this declaration was the final kick I'd assumed was coming. Confusion and needing space to ‛figure things out' never seems to work in my favor. It didn't hurt any less, but the maybe's going around in my head were killing me. I hate limbo.

He started out with wishy washy feelings and quickly, the angry stage I was in took over and I pushed him to be clearer. Though I know he cared about me and never wanted or intended to hurt me, I figured his confusion was mostly from his guilt. I think I was partially right. I scolded him for being careless with me despite his cautious pace. He said nothing because he knew it was true. You don't ask a girl about her thoughts on children right before you ask her to be your girlfriend unless, of course, you're serious about her, which he'd led me to believe. I think he jumped in and went with feelings he may not have been sure of, but thought at the time it'd be ok because they'd eventually get there. Oops.

I don't want to be settled for. So if he didn't feel it, it was the right decision. We both cried and hugged it out. I reminded him we never had a bad time together. Not once. Maybe being blindsided was best because I never once worried the end was coming though I never took any of our moments together for granted either. I really didn't. I lived them fully and happily and that's kind of an achievement for me. So what if it was only like two and a half months? That's a pretty good improvement over my usual three weeks or the one before it that was a 10 day instant-relationship-just-add-water disaster. Still, we worked so well, part of me thinks he'll come to realize he made the wrong decision. I don't know. I'm not sure if I care. It's a gut thing. I guess we'll see.

And then Timing did something strange. The same night the Professor asked me to be exclusive, we ran into Boris at the bar where we ended our night. I hadn't seen or talked to him in nearly three years due to him just fading out of my life. Awkward at first, especially with both of us in opposite gender company.. mine clearly more intimate than his, but what we both noticed and discussed later was that our chemistry clearly hadn't faded. Not one iota.

We met a week after that to catch up and resolve the issues that created that big space in our past. It was really positive. I was happy with the Professor and Boris noticed I'd grown and seemed more grounded. I've heard that a few times recently now and felt really proud of that. And the ease we had with each other was like no time had passed, but then we've always been like that. I've never had chemistry with anyone like I've had with Boris where we can both feel the pull when we're on opposite sides of a room. It certainly made being friends and being single difficult back then because why not fall into each other when it was convenient? Surely, we wouldn't repeat that same pattern after all this time.

Yeah.. so, that might've almost happened once the Professor let me go. It was supposed to be just a friendly night, but one really good bottle of wine, some take out thai, a couple blocks for gelato, heaps and heaps of talking, a couple more not so great bottles of wine and remembering just what made the other one laugh in that special way only the other one of us could do. It was comfortable. It lent to some really honest conversation about relationships and not falling into the same pattern as we had before and because I'd just been crushed by someone who'd led me on, I  didn't want to get hurt immediately all over again and he didn't want to be that guy either. I think begrudgingly, we both decided to focus on our friendship.. even if I may have stayed over right after we made that decision because it was a school night and incredibly late with all that talking and wayyy too much wine and we promised to be good except for maybe kissing of course and Holy. Crap. that is one thing I'd forgotten about us and actually, it was nice to be reminded of that particular thing we were good at.

Surprisingly, maybe that slip into comfortable arms was the boost I needed. I also may have slightly been in the angry stage because I renewed my dating profile online. What's the harm? I'm not dead and honestly, not trying to fill a void, I swear. I put the Professor away and though I'm still clearing out the residual, I really am putting that in another area to work out separately and new focus where none of that baggage exists because like I said, if I'm not right for him, he's not right for me.. so why sit in that and be sad? That's no fucking fun. And I'm fun! AND awesome! And you know what? I met someone pretty damn quickly who agrees with me AND thinks I'm pretty. AND tiny! TINY! I know, right? He's adorable, enigmatic, super sweet and smart, a research scientist at UW and in a somewhat metal-y type band even though his first karaoke go-to song was Suspicious Minds. His second was Motorhead. And he was amazing at both. Like scary good. Also he has crazy lung power. So much he didn't even need the mic to be heard. Not kidding. So. There's that. And the Scientist (from this point heretofore he shall be called) and I never stop talking. In fact, there's so much to talk about we forget what we meant to discuss because there were so many other good tangents we went on in our first two dates (and all our texts and emails in between.. um.. we talk maybe a lot.) Also? The Scientist is a really good kisser. Like.. for reals. So. There's that. I mean, if that's a void I'm filling, then so be it. No one should go without good kisses for long. I think that's a rule.. somewhere.

There have also been plenty of check ins from friends, happy hours, some group cookie making and thus following, group cookie eating because a good heartbreak recovery requires a good amount of chocolate and sugar therapy just as much as a weekend of all-day mimosa-ing.

Retail therapy hasn't hurt either and is much better for my waistline. My favorite thing I bought recently was the cutest little white, distressed-just-so kitchen table that works with my shabby chic style and replaced my Gram's antique formica one that I love but is too big for the space. A steal for $55 at the Fremont Sunday Market where I've found many a treasure.

Tomorrow I leave for a dose of family for the weekend and celebrating my twin cousins' college graduation (wow.. I'm old). Road trips always feel like a catharsis of sorts.. like I'm letting something go.. and this one to Portland will be no different. After family time, Pixie will entertain me Saturday night with her enchanting stories over what I hope to be many drinks while we both purge our recent hurts and I'll be back home Sunday night to be part of our video audition to get into the fire conclave at Burning Man this year. I may not be doing poi now, but I'll be doing fans for sure. Fans! ON FIRE! I can can spin them even! Carnies will want me in their troupes! Or whatever the collective of carnies is. Are. Whatever.

So here I go. Continuing. Hoping. Lighting shit on fire. Knocked down, but certainly not out. Not even close. Still fighting and propelling myself forward with all the bad-ass-ness I can muster, which let me tell you, is  a fuck ton. Oh yes it is. High fives y'all!