Memorial Weekend Indeed

I've been trying to find enlightenment and inspiration pretty much everywhere I can these days. I've been feeling sponge-like, flexible.. open to suggestion and anything else that crosses my path or walks thru my environment. I'm trying to reflect and process and just be. I'm trying to find joy and negate the weight in the pit of my stomach and the ache in my chest. It's easy to feel sorry for myself and so much more work to be positive, but as I come into my groove, it gets easier. The sun was out, I ended the weekend in another country - the closest I could get to being 'away' - and people-watched after a day of lazy dining and retail therapy with old friends.

I started the weekend doing errands at home. Then I went wandering to find some sweet gifts for MJ since I was heading out to her birthday party that night. While looking around for special things for her, I bought fancy treats for a special English girl going thru a situation similar to mine and having a rough time of it. It's so much nicer to try to make someone else feel better than wallowing in my own achey breaky heart madness. It makes me feel like I have a better purpose than thinking of myself.

On my way home, I stopped by Greenlake to get in a little exercise and fresh air. I do love taking in the scenery and Seattle was out en masse having the same thoughts that I had.

The first person I saw walk by me had on a t-shirt that said 'Be Brave' and being in the absorbant place I was, I took that as a direct message to myself. I thought 'Yes! I will be! I am!' It was a very gung-ho way to start my walk I thought because y'all know me.. I'm very gung-ho.Then there was this lovely woman, Middle-Eastern I believe, wearing her traditional clothing. She had a comforting face and tho I was wearing sunglasses, she connected with me, gave me a very genuine smile like she knew me, like we shared a secret, just between the two of us. I smiled back and said hello and she just nodded. I really don't know what it was about, but it gave me a very chicken-soup-for-the-soul moment that I carried with me for the rest of my walk.

On one side of the lake they were having an outrigger canoe competition! Très exciting! Then I walked by a portion of the lake well-known for where these darling little turtles collect to sunbathe all over the logs that are just off the bank. They're always there when the sun is out and you can't not be slightly adoring at how frickin cute they are.

You see all sorts of people walking around the lake on a sunny day. Straight couples, gay couples, traditional and alternative families, everyone having picnics, bikini-clad girls taking in the rays, dogs of every shape and size, teams playing soccer, basketball, or football, a family playing bocce ball, some couples playing croquet, and the mini-golf course looked packed as well. I looked for the sweet older man who wears a sign on his back that says 'Spanish Lessons' and takes a few minutes talking with you in conversational Spanish if you're so inclined, but he wasn't there that day. I also didn't see a single rollerblader, which is unusual, but I did see an older gentleman in actual roller skates getting down with his bad self. The middle of the lake was littered with rented paddle boats and the outskirts were crowded with old men and families fishing for a little something. Not only did I get in 3.2 miles, I also took the fact in that there is life - all kinds - around me.. and it was a good reminder that it keeps going so I might as well too.

My afternoon was so calm and cathartic that it seemed appropriate to let loose at MJ's party that night. Chinese food led to a rowdy karaoke bar where bad drinks led to louder cheers for whatever 80's song we thought was perfect to be sung. L'il Peach started with The Eurithmics, Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This, then I followed with Fiona's Criminal and it just went on from there. A neighboring table and two other birthdays joined in the celebrating and debauchery. MJ got up to sing BareNakedLadies' If I Had $1,000,000 with me, L'il Peach and I found our karaoke high with Abba's Take A Chance On Me that had the whole bar dancing and our neighbor's table closed the bar with The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now. Many MANY pictures were taken.. as you will see.. BUT we didn't stop there. We continued on to downtown where we cut a rug to some dancey grooves til about 3am and then decided we needed late-night hot dogs with the works before bed. It wasn't my party, but damn, it was the best time I'd had in a while. Also, did I mention drinks? Because there may have been many..

I show Erin a bit too much love here I believe..

MJ and L'il Peach are trying to be coy - I'm not sure what I'm doing.. being a ham? The usual probably.

Trying to be sexy.. I'm not sure what L'il Peach is doing.. but again, many many drinks.. keep in mind..

Underestimating how late Saturday night would keep me up, I'd made plans for a mid-morning brunch on Sunday with Yoda in Columbia City. I was surprised myself that I'd made it, but it was good for us to catch up. We hadn't in some time. I headed up to BC after that - looking forward to turning up the rockin' tunes in the car to as full blast as I could handle and passing thru the border easily. Well.. by 'easy' I meant 'fast' and the border wasn't that AT ALL.. but I did make it thru tho delayed, with no troubles. Met up with Ali and another friend, Skye-lea for drinks at a downtown bar and took in the Canadian ease about me.

I'm not sure my BC trip was everything I wanted, tho I'm not sure what I expected. Some friends I wrote to didn't respond to messages once I arrived so I just let happen what was going to happen, visited with Ali, and just let myself feel 'away'. We wandered and brunched on Monday, stopping to shop in Kitsilano where I got some sexy but probably slightly hoochie heeled sandals and eventually being shopped out, Ali and I said our goodbyes and I parked it at a cafe to write til the sun set. I then ventured wayyyy the heck out to Surrey to see my friend Joe and we talked and his mom fed me and it all felt very homey. Joe's mom is the Every Mom and I sort of wanted her to adopt me and take care of me for a bit since she was close and my own mother was a country and two states away. You can't just do that to your friends tho.. have their moms adopt you.. rude.

After dinner, I was homeward bound. The border was crossed quicker this time, but the gruff state-side patrol had to sternly remind me I need a passport come June 1st. Yes thank you officer (as in.. duh.. I read the InterWeb, thank you.. and if you did too, you would see it's still a week away.. so I don't actually need a passport do I? No.. not at this very moment because it is May 25th and not, in fact, June 1st.. so I'm not sure what is with the attitude buster.. you're going to let me pass now right? And yes, you are very manly, yes.. yes you are..)! I'm getting one oh-so-very soon! Smilesmilesmile..

I wish I could say I drove home to a perfectly tolerable work week, but you know when you're down and you're just getting steady? Wouldn't you know it.. your own stupid mouth gets your ass into trouble you didn't expect - even if it was just a misunderstanding and something that happened last week that you thought was cleared.. but apparently you are to be seen and not heard. And by you, I mean me. You knew that tho.

I'm a sponge! I'm open to understanding and change! I'm thinking positively!

Ok.. seriously.. just tell me it's going to get better (and consequently, I will also not be stupid enough to lose my job too.. god.. I couldn't take it.).. and oh yeah.. send wine. Ok, I'm kidding.. ok.. not really, but sort of.. I mean, no.. DO really send some. Do you think things could get worse?! C'mon!

The Process of Getting On..

Mother's Day was a pretty day. The sun was shining, the air smelled like flowers and it wasn't chilly at all. I sent texts and emails and left voicemails for my mother, grandmother and aunt and all my close friends with children or who are expecting children. My mom left for Hawaii the next day. I'm only bitter a teensy bit because tho I dream of a getaway to a warm beach a plane ride away, it's best I probably don't attempt that with family right now. Another time maybe, so I'm glad she's doing that for herself because she probably needs it just as badly as I do. I've had a huge craving for her to just take care of me tho and that's not really fair with all she's been thru, but lately, I could really go for a big long cry in her arms.

I'm trying to devise a plan for my summer - a way to force myself to keep going and keep busy so much that I'm not able to focus on missing my ex and I can get a break from the theatre community who pulls me back into those memories hard and fast. I'm committed to these last two projects that make me feel productive and happy about where those are going, however, they both take place within his theatre and when the last one ends, it will also be what would've been our one year anniversary together. It's just a disappointment I can't seem to get past.

It's silly I know - to hold onto an anniversary that we never had. We were chatting over IM the other day about said projects and I let him know I was really trying to be happy that we've known each other a year now and we're still apart of each other's lives rather than setting sights on that upcoming date we would miss marking together as a couple. It's more positive to think the former, but as June approaches, it's also hard to ignore the latter.

And I don't mean to ignore my writing here, but it's been hard to find anything to say other than 'I'm sad, blahblahblah, feel sorry for me, whine whine whine.' Who isn't sick of that?! I'm getting on my own nerves, but I just can't prevent it sometimes. And when I'm looming on the verge of pms, watch out. I'm a big pile of tears at least once if not eight times a day. Annoying.

But it hurts. All the missing of him..... It really really does. Sigh.. 

I at least eat, I throw myself into working out, but have recently gained a couple of pounds regardless. I just got some advice from a friend who's a former trainer so I'm hoping that makes a difference. I've bought some new books - the new one by David Sedaris that is wacky and at least makes me laugh, but I still can't listen to much music at all. Everything somehow reminds me of him unless it's techno and I'm so not in the mood to listen to that these days. I listen to a lot of NPR: This American Life, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and Whaddya Know, which also adds random levity.

In the meantime, I'm trying to prevent too much impulsive retail therapy. I seem to think with my tax refund that I have money coming out my ass. I have to admit tho, buying things helps. So far I've bought cute new shoes, make up in various shades and kinds, theater tickets for everyone and their dog including a pair for Boy and I to see RENT with the two original Broadway leads in June (I know, I know.. I'm a masochist, but god, we'd been talking about it for months.). I bought an extra large white shell-ish pendant and chain to wear in place of the necklaces he bought me for Christmas because tho I love those necklaces, it kills me to wear them and at the same time, I feel connected and hopeful in the smallest way - but I don't think it's healthy while there's so much sentiment attached to them (she says at the same time she's STILL going to a random but romantic rock musical with him during their almost-anniversary month.. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds.).

Mostly, I'm trying not to drink myself into a nightly stupor. This is difficult when wine helps A LOT. But luckily, I'm a lightweight so I rarely drink more than a couple glasses of anything when out with friends and I drink alone even less than that. And I'm alone about as much as wine helps get me thru things. So. Good thing I have David Sedaris and my tv.

Ohmygod - have you watched Southland? Awesome - and I saw a friend of mine on it recently who's a working actor in LA. That's never not rad. I'm heart'ing Castle a whole lot too. Cried all thru the second to last episode of the season of Grey's Anatomy last night - dear god.. stop me from watching that show - except you won't be able to - and then the Unusuals is also another good cop show, tho Amber Tamblyn kind of bugs. Personally, I'm just killing time til the new season of So You Think You Can Dance. Crossing fingers that someone awesomely fantastic gets in from Seattle since they had auditions here this year so we (me and all my gay boyfriends) have someone to root for.

I swear summer will not be filled with sunny days inside and pouting all the time. I refuse to do that to myself. I plan on taking some classes, which hopefully will include ballet and karate (Um.. not together and/or at the same time.. that would be weird.). I enjoyed both all thru college and have been wanting to get back into them here, but just haven't gotten around to finding classes available or the time. Clearly, if I don't want to sit around twiddling my thumbs (or doing some really unhealthy rebounding) when I'm on my theater/boy hiatus, I need something productive to do. Those seem the most likely candidates and they take up so much focus working to keep every part of your body engaged correctly, that I won't have time to think of missing anyone - not to mention all the yelling you get to do in karate that's incredibly therapeutic. There is no yelling in ballet. That would just be rude.

Alright - I'm off for the night. I'm going to see these people, Les Argonautes and have some laughs, which are long overdue this week. Oh, I'll be ok.. we know this, right? Eventually.. Time is fucking slow as all get out right now, that's all.. but if you want to send me some wine (or.. I dunno.. a pony?) to make it go faster, I promise to drink it and sleep oh-so soundly. AND send you a lovely thank you card to boot. Mwah!