The Process of Getting On..

Mother's Day was a pretty day. The sun was shining, the air smelled like flowers and it wasn't chilly at all. I sent texts and emails and left voicemails for my mother, grandmother and aunt and all my close friends with children or who are expecting children. My mom left for Hawaii the next day. I'm only bitter a teensy bit because tho I dream of a getaway to a warm beach a plane ride away, it's best I probably don't attempt that with family right now. Another time maybe, so I'm glad she's doing that for herself because she probably needs it just as badly as I do. I've had a huge craving for her to just take care of me tho and that's not really fair with all she's been thru, but lately, I could really go for a big long cry in her arms.

I'm trying to devise a plan for my summer - a way to force myself to keep going and keep busy so much that I'm not able to focus on missing my ex and I can get a break from the theatre community who pulls me back into those memories hard and fast. I'm committed to these last two projects that make me feel productive and happy about where those are going, however, they both take place within his theatre and when the last one ends, it will also be what would've been our one year anniversary together. It's just a disappointment I can't seem to get past.

It's silly I know - to hold onto an anniversary that we never had. We were chatting over IM the other day about said projects and I let him know I was really trying to be happy that we've known each other a year now and we're still apart of each other's lives rather than setting sights on that upcoming date we would miss marking together as a couple. It's more positive to think the former, but as June approaches, it's also hard to ignore the latter.

And I don't mean to ignore my writing here, but it's been hard to find anything to say other than 'I'm sad, blahblahblah, feel sorry for me, whine whine whine.' Who isn't sick of that?! I'm getting on my own nerves, but I just can't prevent it sometimes. And when I'm looming on the verge of pms, watch out. I'm a big pile of tears at least once if not eight times a day. Annoying.

But it hurts. All the missing of him..... It really really does. Sigh.. 

I at least eat, I throw myself into working out, but have recently gained a couple of pounds regardless. I just got some advice from a friend who's a former trainer so I'm hoping that makes a difference. I've bought some new books - the new one by David Sedaris that is wacky and at least makes me laugh, but I still can't listen to much music at all. Everything somehow reminds me of him unless it's techno and I'm so not in the mood to listen to that these days. I listen to a lot of NPR: This American Life, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and Whaddya Know, which also adds random levity.

In the meantime, I'm trying to prevent too much impulsive retail therapy. I seem to think with my tax refund that I have money coming out my ass. I have to admit tho, buying things helps. So far I've bought cute new shoes, make up in various shades and kinds, theater tickets for everyone and their dog including a pair for Boy and I to see RENT with the two original Broadway leads in June (I know, I know.. I'm a masochist, but god, we'd been talking about it for months.). I bought an extra large white shell-ish pendant and chain to wear in place of the necklaces he bought me for Christmas because tho I love those necklaces, it kills me to wear them and at the same time, I feel connected and hopeful in the smallest way - but I don't think it's healthy while there's so much sentiment attached to them (she says at the same time she's STILL going to a random but romantic rock musical with him during their almost-anniversary month.. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds.).

Mostly, I'm trying not to drink myself into a nightly stupor. This is difficult when wine helps A LOT. But luckily, I'm a lightweight so I rarely drink more than a couple glasses of anything when out with friends and I drink alone even less than that. And I'm alone about as much as wine helps get me thru things. So. Good thing I have David Sedaris and my tv.

Ohmygod - have you watched Southland? Awesome - and I saw a friend of mine on it recently who's a working actor in LA. That's never not rad. I'm heart'ing Castle a whole lot too. Cried all thru the second to last episode of the season of Grey's Anatomy last night - dear god.. stop me from watching that show - except you won't be able to - and then the Unusuals is also another good cop show, tho Amber Tamblyn kind of bugs. Personally, I'm just killing time til the new season of So You Think You Can Dance. Crossing fingers that someone awesomely fantastic gets in from Seattle since they had auditions here this year so we (me and all my gay boyfriends) have someone to root for.

I swear summer will not be filled with sunny days inside and pouting all the time. I refuse to do that to myself. I plan on taking some classes, which hopefully will include ballet and karate (Um.. not together and/or at the same time.. that would be weird.). I enjoyed both all thru college and have been wanting to get back into them here, but just haven't gotten around to finding classes available or the time. Clearly, if I don't want to sit around twiddling my thumbs (or doing some really unhealthy rebounding) when I'm on my theater/boy hiatus, I need something productive to do. Those seem the most likely candidates and they take up so much focus working to keep every part of your body engaged correctly, that I won't have time to think of missing anyone - not to mention all the yelling you get to do in karate that's incredibly therapeutic. There is no yelling in ballet. That would just be rude.

Alright - I'm off for the night. I'm going to see these people, Les Argonautes and have some laughs, which are long overdue this week. Oh, I'll be ok.. we know this, right? Eventually.. Time is fucking slow as all get out right now, that's all.. but if you want to send me some wine (or.. I dunno.. a pony?) to make it go faster, I promise to drink it and sleep oh-so soundly. AND send you a lovely thank you card to boot. Mwah!