Perfectly Imperfect

One of the most beautiful things about being human is that none of us can claim with actual certainty that we are perfect. There are those who strive to live up to some sense of perfection that they think could be obtainable.. and there are those who are misguided and really think they're beyond working at it cuz they're already there, but most of us realize that sort of goal is unrealistic and trying to get there simply results in a vast amount of disappointment.. so we sort of just skip all that overachieving.. I mean.. God.. isn't that exhausting?

So here I am, Miss D herself, not far from my 34th birthday and I'm not perfect. However, I can feel a new sense of realization - it's like a learning I can feel moment by moment... a sort of Alice-thru-the-looking-glass-warpy feeling or even the clichéd lightbulb turning on (however dim), but it's happening and it's .. well, not easy, but it's definitely acknowledged as a good thing. I mean, who are we if we don't assume that there is still much more to learn, much more to grow from in life than we already know so that we may actually become better people? We're stupid to be so arrogant - and by we, I mean the general public, which by the way, isn't anyone I know since all my friends realize we're proud to be The Mistake Makers and revel in what we learn from the many we make.. and by revel I mean, you know... getting ragingly drunk and crying our eyes out.. but same diff..

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.. back to saying that we can't be so arrogant to think we have nothing left to learn about ourselves or those around us. And it's so true that the older you get the more you realize how little you do know.. and you shouldn't have said those things to your mother when you were 17 and you shouldn't have called your boss at the cafe a coke addict even if that was actually true cuz he wasn't worth the breath you spent to say it, and you should've said 'I love you' more often, etc., etc. And you just accept your fallibility more readily as you age cuz you know what? It's ok.

Take, for example, what I'm trying to accomplish in my love life.. or rather, what I call my 'love' life when there's no actual love per se really in it.. trying to clumsily learn how to protect myself by keeping everyone a little more at arm's length and continuing to see more than one lucky guy at a time.. (I can hear you commenting out there.. shhh..) My theory is - and stop me if you've already thought of this - that if I can keep myself a bit more at a distance rather than running full speed into something that burns out in a matter of weeks, I'll really get to know who I'm seeing, creating more of a solid base built on friendship and just general 'in like' and 'you make me so happy' feelings and then nothing feels rushed and suddenly, after some undetermined amount of time (and I'm still not sure how to well.. determine that part), that plain old dating evolves into something real that might last a while.. or a lifetime.. who knows.. and tho I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.. it's mostly going rather nicely.

The one side effect of this that, you know, should be obvious, is that I'm not getting very close to anyone. Yes, quite the quandry - keep them at a distance = unclose.. hm.. who'd have thunk? I know, so I'm a little naive, but it's not like I'm not spending time.. I mean.. there's tiiiiiime.. and it's spent.. like.. over tiiiime... so why do I feel I may just shoot myself in the foot here and maintain a distance so well the 'dating' simply boils down to a lot of drinks and dinners out and half-watched movies interrupted by 45, maybe 57, minutes of highly aerobic and horizontal physical activity??? I don't know.. it's just a feeling.. But the point is these relationships aren't ideal.. well, not my ideal or what I'm used to, but it changes my perspective and sometimes you have to shake things up in your world like it's one of those snow globes.. and everything settles around you differently and maybe in that you find the answer to whatever it is you've been wondering for so long...um.. whatever that is.. sorta..

Outside the romantic hopes I have my friends, who, in my opinion, should be stability personified.. I should never doubt them in any regard or question why I've put them in the category of 'friends' cuz how I understand it, they accept me and I accept them and that's that. But - and you knew there was a 'but' coming - when you spend some time reflecting on.. oh.. the last year of your life.. and maybe the fact that some serious time was wasted on going around and around with someone that just has no idea or solid definition of what it takes to be a friend, do you let them go or try to help them understand what you need from them? Thank you, but we only have minimal time for all your opinions in this short bit that is my personal prattling on so I'll just tell you what I think.. since you're here for that anyway.. You work at it. This is my one gold nugget of advice everyone should at least try to heed - unless of course you think all your efforts are as worthwhile as banging your head against a wall.. then of course, maybe put on a helmet or stop once you notice the bleeding.. but the idea is that you have faults and they have faults but goddamn there is no 'opt out' box when things get complicated! Why? Say it with me.. cuz that is NOT the definition of a friend... unless you're in Bizarro World, which is where I thought I was recently, but hi.. I wasn't..

And just in case you thought, 'Hey.. this girl has no idea what she's talking about..', which is true most of the time, I'll give you that, but let's just go quickly to www.dictionary.com and I'll show you..

• friend ( P ) Pronunciation Key (frnd)n.
  1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
  2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
  3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
  4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
  5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

Ok.. so the Quaker part was certainly news to me.. but hey isn't that exciting that we could all be Quakers? That's sorta fun, isn't it? Ok.. just saying.. geez..

Ali (see: definition above, #3 to be exact), in his attempt to comfort me on my recent dismissal by someone I considered a good friend, offered this little tidbit, "You can't take stock at the end of every business day and determine who is and isn't your friend because they should be taken as a whole and every once in a while you look on the relationship you have with that person and you say to yourself.. yeah, he's alright."

Well..hmm.. it sounded wise to me at the time.. maybe you had to be there.. but I get it.. pffft..

So, to recap what we've learned in this chapter: Angel is not perfect, we should realize we don't know everything, dating a few people is kinda tricky, not as tricky as say making balloon animals, but hey, it's something new, friends suck if they simply give up on you and therefore aren't friends at all, and Ali is a sweetheart who's advice is probably sorely misquoted.. oh and you too can be a Quaker.

Yes, that's quite a bit to absorb so I should let you get to it. But I leave you with one more little gem of a quote I think is quite sweet:

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect
person perfectly. --Sam Keen

Or as Stuart Smalley used to say, 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!' Don't ever change, baby..