Insights

So I had this conversation with my friend Dave the other night.. that guys have different categories for the women in their lives and I'm not talking about relatives or friends. These are the categories of various levels of lovers.. the women they fuck, the women they date, and the women with whom they fall in love and marry. Yeah.. only three. You know.. more than that would be.. well, too many for them.

Now.. I see your confusion.. cuz that look on your face right now.. yeah.. I had that. My cute little brow was oh so furrowed cuz I just wasn't aware of this grading system. Women are always discussing with each other how we don't understand men and why they do what they do and say what they say.. which, you know, can frustrate us to no end.. but every now and then I'm reminded, usually by a male friend, that really, men aren't that complicated. They don't sit around over-analyzing our actions.. there isn't any reading between the lines since they have trouble reading the lines that exist already. They will call you if they like you and you won't hear from them if they don't. It's that simple. So when Dave told me there was this.. like.. philosophy, so to speak, a plan, if you will.. I was rather floored. No, it's not complicated at all.. but there's a semblance of organization to it, which, yes, ok, I'm going to be completely sexist now and just say it for the sake of this post, I thought was mostly attributed to the female, at least where the opposite sex is concerned. As far as I know, men are just happy when they find a girl who isn't psycho first of all and who's still willing to go out with them, who's decent in bed and thrilled if they can cause her to make a bit of noise in their favor, AND is someone whom they can still safely bring home for their mother's approval.

Ok.. yes, I'm so obviously not the expert on men.. they could possibly be deeper than this.. well, some of them.

See.. I've been in all categories at different times, but currently, my position is among the datable - better than a roll in the hay once a week, but not quite marryable. This is due in part to my own design of being open to dating a few people at the same time and also being told by one of those people that's just how he sees me. Yeah.. he said it.. and yeah.. that didn't not suck for a minute.. maybe a couple of minutes.. but it was honest, even tender, and I would rather know than not. Besides that, tho I'm pretty girly and I've wondered if there's ever going to be a partnership in my life that will span its majority, I still don't look for or expect that out of anyone I date. I don't think marriage is the be all, end all for me tho I don't completely rule it out. This girl has gone a few years having three to four week relationships and I figured, hey, it's probably time to try to break that pattern and that's been the sole purpose of this exercise, which, hello.. I'm actually succeeding at.. so yay! That right there is something I'm proud of - preventing myself from having unrealistic expectations, learning to pace how I care for and get to know someone, practicing patience, and not getting desperately carried away. These are the lessons I need to learn before I see myself in the til-death-do-us-part circle anyway. I mean, I like to plan a little bit ahead, but forever isn't what I'm thinking right now anyway. I'm really enjoying living in the moment.

Since late last week, I've reduced my dating companions down to one person I happen to like a lot, but I didn't stop seeing the others for that reason. I couldn't help but compare and contrast between them and I just found the other situations to be more one-dimensional and based more on the physical aspects than any actual connections I thought we had. Mainly, the connections just weren't developing and I wasn't getting to know them any better so at that point, there's nothing more to do but end it unless a fuck buddy is what I'm looking for.. and tho I'm trying to keep things on a casual level, that's a little too casual for me. Been there, done that. I may think this one is a bit special, but for now, we're both going to allow ourselves to see other people.. not that either of us are, but I understand why he wants to and I'm keeping an open mind.

Really, I'm pretty content with my romantic life, but the conversation with Dave led me to question how one might cross over into the last, and one would think, more favorable, category of really belonging to someone.. forever.. or um.. just a really, really long time. I'm just curious how that works. Is there an obvious way someone moves up in rank? Does a new person have to see you only as marryable and not even consider the other options? Or is there some sort of promotion and review process possible within the other categories once an undetermined amount of time is invested?? I have a few questions.. that's all. Oh, like you don't... pffft.

According to Dave, it's just about whether a guy has realized what you are to him. Um...or not. That's all it is.. So of course Dave and I continued to discuss if waiting around for someone to see if they find that potential in you is not the STUPIDEST thing ever. Um.. yeah, he really seemed to think not, which fully surprised me, but he had a good point and said if you were having a good time with the situation you're in, there shouldn't be a problem cuz you're not really waiting anyway. And I have to admit, looking on my own relationship and the time I'm having which equals good, I couldn't really argue with that logic. But I have another friend who would say what I'm doing is waiting and yes, that's completely idiotic.. even tho he and his girlfriend are the prime, and rare, I might add, example of that exact thing.. waiting, that is. She did the fuck buddy thing with him for a long time.. they moved up to dating, but weren't exclusive and after a pretty long time of doing that, she got tired of it and gave up. Walked away. And, in the classic you-don't-know-what-you-have-til-it's-gone move.. he realized damn, he loved her. Cue the sappy soundtrack.. cuz wow, crazy longshot on her part, but apparently, it does happen. Tho again, this sort of thing = rare.. ok? Got it? Don't try this at home kids.

Now, it's wrapping up time and I hope I've done my part to educate the female gender a bit more about how men operate. Of course, there are no definitive answers.. I, personally, think sometimes, those categories and the minds of those who put us in them are a little.. oh.. mutable maybe.. However, I'm the first one to say to a friend, what the hell?? It's YOU, not him, who decides what you're worth and maybe you should find that person out there who agrees with you.. that's what we all deserve!

*Steps off soapbox*

But, on the other hand, yours truly has always looked for just a smidge of patience within herself, which, accidentally, she may finally have found.. so who says a little bit of that ever hurt anyone? Exactly. That's all I'm saying..

Just say no

Attention can be nice. Compliments are flattering. What woman doesn't want to hear she's a doll... that she's beautiful and attractive? Who wouldn't want to be gazed at adoringly by a man she's just met who seems completely dazzled by her presence and feels extremely lucky he was seated next to her in a mixed birthday group of strangers and friends?

It was all very unexpected in what was mostly a homosexual collection of Loren's work associates and on-the-town boys and girls and therefore, unusual that my gaydar was so far off. I mean, he was wearing a turtleneck for chrissakes. I think that automatically qualified him as not playing for my team. I don't mean ALL circumstances where one, being male, would don the standard cold-weather-neck-covering sweater would, but I mean, really.. there are instances you just.. know.. and clearly, I thought this was one of them.. mistakenly.. especially considering the witty banter initiated, the quick, affectionate put-down comebacks that indicated not only was he a card-carrying member of Gays Of Our Lives, but his best lines were probably picked up from watching too much Will & Grace. I know this cuz that's where my best zingers come from. Where else will you hear 'oh honey, coulda, woulda, Prada..' or 'Love you like a cold sore!' The latter one's my favorite and I used it that night on Loren's boyfriend, Sean, with whom I have a love/hate/hate/hate relationship - as he's coined it. Well, at least we agree on something.. and I savored the small moments after while he held his tongue thinking of something better.. even in knowing my insult was plagiarized.

And then.. somewhere in the conversation, the man next to me must've dropped the fact he was straight three times in a matter of seconds.. and I felt this looming feeling over me - the sense that very soon I'd be barraged by his attempts to hit on me. Silently and without any sudden moves, I tried to see him all brand new like I'd just met him and see if just like.. well, magic I suppose.. it'd work and I would know .. Oh! You're not gay! I don't know what I was thinking! Yeah.. um.. didn't fix anything. Still gay. Hmm..has that ever happened to you? You get a perspective, your first impression.. and it's just not easy to change that once you think you know what to make of them.. right? And their sexual preferences? Right.. you get it.. you're quick like that.

I got away only for a short time while we changed locales and did my best to sit in the middle and near the birthday boy once we reassembled so others might give me a little relief in their company. In that time, I'd also figured out from Loren that it had basically been his oh-so-bright idea to try to set us up once he realized there I was all single.. and there his friend was all single.. so HEY! Why not, you know, set them up TOGETHER?! Yay!! To which I respond:

Me: So.. that's very sweet and all honey if not for the fact that oh.. he's GAY! Wondered if maybe you noticed.. No? Didn't pick up on that?

Loren: No no.. he's not.. he's sooooooooo nice.. really..

Me: Yeah.. he seems that.. but again, oh, I don't know.. STILL GAY! You know.. warn a girl next time will you? Maybe BEFORE she decides someone is or isn't gay based on his sweater choices.. Say something to the effect of.. see that STRAIGHT guy? He's SINGLE.. and NOT gay! Ok? Warning = good!

Loren: *just laughing*

Ugh.. I love Loren for many, many reasons.. but his talent for match-making is not one of them.

So the man sat across from me, next to Loren's boyfriend - who again is not my biggest fan and who so enjoys watching me squirm. It didn't take long for him (the man, not Sean) to get bored talking with the others and focus on me (Sean would do just the opposite actually), which I thought might happen, but still hoped for some sort of deus ex machina to save me anyway. And at that point he pretty much announced to the table when he asked me to come sit next to him - beginning the Suffocation Period - that he was going to hit on me. Yup.. told me just like that.. but hey, he asked if it was ok. Oh, well in THAT case... and then Sean just offers up his seat and tells me to come on over.. um... thanks, yeah.. thanks SO much for making it easy on me.. It's a wonder I haven't perfected the squinty-eyed-head-blowing-up stare yet... damn.

Actually I have to give the guy credit for being so direct. For a girl who really tries to live that way, a lot of the time I'm not as direct as I'd like..and even more so, passive-aggressive at times.. Plus it's tough for a guy to always be the pursuer and I feel for them.. sometimes.. He's a very nice guy tho, I have no doubt, yet his approach quickly became unwelcome cuz it stopped being fun and friendly and was more clingy and obsessive. I was completely on the defensive not long after I was goaded to sit next to him. I was just some cute little carrot he was chasing. The more I denied him, the more intent he became.. and hi.. tho that's always the game they tell you to play, girl, I wasn't playing it.. and it sort of freaked me out a little.

I noticed after a while I was literally leaning back into the left arm of my chair to counter his leaning out towards me from the other side and he was pretty much trying to convince me to go out with him. Ok.. that's your first sign of 'no'.. don't you think? And at first I said sure, sounds like fun. I thought you know, it couldn't hurt to go out with him once.. who knows.. but I let him know I was currently seeing a couple of other people and this is the way it was going to be for a while. His reaction was less than amused but he thought about it for a second. Then he was dismissive and wished me luck...kinda sarcastically too, which didn't win him any points. But I thought ok.. cool. He wants one thing, I'm doing another and this won't work for him. Fine. Case closed.. that's that. Phew!

We began to join other conversations but just after a few minutes, he thought he'd try another tactic..

Him: So you're just done now.. ?

Me: Um.. huh? *looking very confused*

Him: You're done with me now. You've moved on.

Me: Oh.. um.. no... but um.. I thought the going out thing was sort of settled.. right? You don't want to go out with me if I'm seeing other people, which I am. So.. did I miss something?

Him: What about a third? You can date a third guy, can't you? I mean, I'm going to steal you away anyway.. so..

Me: Oh, well, yes, a third person is fine - not sure how much more time I have, but I like the two I'm seeing currently.. so neither will be ending anytime soon that I know of.. Just don't see the stealing happening.. sorry. Besides, you just said..

Him: Yeah, I know.. I'm fine with it.. but I'll steal you away. No I will.. trust me. I'm a great catch.

Me: *laughing* I'm sure you are.. but your first reaction was that this wouldn't work for you.. so be honest with yourself.. really. You aren't going to be ok with it so why bother?

Him: Well I think I've met my soul mate.

Me: Really? You think so? *smiling AND getting a bit freaked out now - soul mate?? wtf?!*

Him: Yup.. Seriously, c'mon.. give me your number and we'll go out. Dinner, drinks and the Nutcracker.. sound good?

Me: *thinking.. ohMYGod.. REALLY gay now!* Hmm.. You know.. no. I'm not going to.

Him: What? Why not?

Me: You've already said you aren't ok with me seeing other people and we haven't even gone out yet. I can't tolerate seeing someone who gets jealous. I won't do that. So you're going on your trip Monday (he brought that up previously).. when you get back, if you're still certain you want to do this, give Loren a ring and he'll have permission to give you my number.

Him: *really shocked now* No! That's crazy! I'm absolutely not going to go thru other people to get your number. Just give it to me.

Me: Nope..

Him: Why?! C'mon.. I really like you.

Me: Ok.. now I've told you why.. please listen.. I said no and I think that's enough.. you think about it and then Loren here will be happy to oblige, but I think you'll agree when you're back, you'll be fine without it. Ok?

This is of course summarized for effect but it's pretty close to how it happened over the course of dinner and then leaving the restaurant where he continued to whine (no really.. he whined! - a grown man of 37!) and pretty much did everything but stomp his feet in protest on the sidewalk in front of those of us who were left. It's too bad, but once I started to feel suffocated, it was too late to save himself. At that point, all I wanted to do was wash off the virtual cling, shivering in relief with every single step that took me further away from that I-can't-breathe feeling. Bleh!

As we were walking away, I smacked Loren in the arm..

Me: Thanks a lot! You created a monster!

Loren: *giggling like a girl* Ok ok.. I won't try that again, I promise!

Well, at least Loren was entertained. It was his birthday. Man, the things I won't do for a friend..

Processing

Saturday night, smiling big and flying high on a cloud of baby-girl-pink sort of happy due to much birthday celebration and oh maybe just a little wine (2 bottles) and maybe a ginger mojito and a chocolate cake shot thrown in (I'm a lightweight people - that's a lot for me), I ended up at a little house party for an acquaintance who's birthday was also just after mine. I didn't know anyone but the two friends who accompanied me and with more wine in hand I scanned the room for familiar faces while getting down with my bad self on the dance/dining room floor. And there, near the dj table, a man I'd glanced at about 30 minutes prior just casually, finally nodded to me as if to say, 'Yes, we already locked eyes for a second but you didn't even recognize it's me and we've only known each other for like, oh 3 years. Duh.' Ok, I added the 'duh' cuz that's how I felt for not even distinguishing this man from a stranger especially since the history, not to mention chemistry, we had (have) has been (and still is, to be perfectly honest) pretty hot, which is probably why we've had more of a fuck-buddy type past, but it's never prevented us from just genuinely liking each other and being friends.

So there was that. Mind = racing due to .. 'thoughts'.. um.. I probably shouldn't have been thinking considering one of my 'friends' was really my date and I need another person to occupy my time like I needed more liquor. Girl is getting plenty of attention. Really. NOT that I'm complaining. No no no.. don't get me wrong.. but shockingly, tho I'm not in the least bit unsatisfied, there remains a lot of sex on the brain for some reason. I feel that even with riding high a top (all puns intended) my woman's prime that my imagination and dreamy subconscience are those of a pubescent 13-year-old boy. Not sure if that's what's supposed to be happening... but hey, whatever keeps a girl young..

Then, right in the midst of my friendly and slightly sexy reunion, it turned into some unwelcome 'It's Your Life' moment and standing against a wall in mid-conversation was someone I wasn't as eager to run into so unexpectedly and most certainly, someone I didn't want to see. Like, at all. Don't be disappointed after such build up when I tell you it was just an ex-boyfriend AND that when it ended almost 2 years ago now, that I'm the one who cut the cord cuz I just wasn't feeling it. But guess who was completely crushed and guilt-ridden and really, really heartbroken by his absence for oh, three months.. Yup. Me. I know.. sounds stupid.. but we were close and had built up what I thought was a decent friendship for a while before we started dating. I adored him and thought we could work romantically, but honestly, and it really did come as a surprise to me, I couldn't maintain those feelings. What can you do tho? You just can't force those things. It wasn't fair to anyone.

We tried to be friends.. something I truly believe in always attempting unless there are circumstances for which I can't get past and forgive. From talking to my friends, I'm also one of the only people they know who is willing to put out this effort, but tho it's usually difficult for someone, I think it can only be viewed as something positive... eventually. And, in this situation, it was much easier for me, obviously. Pretty quickly I caught him lashing out at me in a very cruel and passive-aggressive way. I felt insulted and worse than that, dismissed. I think people are entitled to be angry when they're on the crappy end of a break up, but I asked him directly - many times - if he needed some space and time to heal and we could try again in a couple of months. But he insisted he was fine, no worries, all was ok. But it wasn't ok and after enough times of complete flaking and direct mud-slinging on his part, yeah.. I'd had enough. He came back a couple of months later asking if we could try being friends again, but simply didn't want to discuss anything that had gone on in the past and in order for me to feel better about it I had to talk it out. I didn't think it was a lot to ask, but he refused so hey.. really, thanks for trying there.. like SO much.. yeah.. putting out ALL that EFFORT..

And we disintigrated completely right there and we haven't spoken since.

Out of the blue last week he sent a request to add him to my group of friends on myspace.com (and no, I'm not going to link to it cuz the site bugs). Not even a message attached. Hellooo.. I may be very stupid sometimes, but honey, this girl has a fabulous memory and no penchant for adding people all willy nilly.. I fired off a one word question back without even so much as a blink, 'Why?' He sent back apologies and a long spiel about what he'd been up to, asked how I was, etc., but I was stuck on the apology part cuz at this point.. sigh.. I don't know if I care and once you reach a certain point where people aren't even a speck on your radar anymore, what is the purpose of bringing them back from the dead? When, completely unaware, we'd been occupying the same room in the same house for 45 minutes and upon recognition it catches me way off-fucking-guard... really, why would I pursue that relationship in any way? I'm a compassionate girl, a big-hearted and loving girl, but as I get older, I find I'm less tolerant of the cruel things people will do and say out of anger and it's not my job to always be the bigger person. No I don't see 'bigger person' tattooed to my little forehead people.. I would like someone else to do that before they say and do things they eventually regret. Yes, that's what I would like. I don't usually dismiss people without a good reason and I'm all for the big talk of let's move forward and positive actions blah blah blah.. but my gut clearly said, nope this wasn't a good thing and when your gut talks, you should listen..

We left on the advice of the talking gut and I shook it off like a bad dream of creepy crawly spiders and ants all over me.. bleh! I know it's not the same thing, but ew.. Conflict! Confrontation! Did NOT want to deal. Besides that, I know the one creating all that would be me. Why can't I simply just let it go?? He seemed happy and fine and smiley and oh YAY for him. Me.. yeah, not so much. Just needed to breathe. Air. Good.

I don't like being surprised like that. Usually, yes, surprises are great when they're pink and fuzzy and wrapped with bows and in tiny little bags with printed tissue and funny cards and such.. but catch-your-breath-this-room-couldn't-be-smaller-
I-couldn't-leave-any-quicker sort of surprises don't come with cards and yeah.. no. I don't like.

I know. I'm being ridiculous. You can say it. This isn't the worst thing in the world - absolutely. I don't know why all these complicated feelings sort of attacked me with his mere presence but the best explanation I can muster is there was no closure due to the fact we both just walked away..but the more complete part of that is I haven't yet processed how to do the latter portion of the 'forgive and forget' when someone hurts me deliberately. I can say I've forgiven, and truly, I feel I have.. but if I can't forget, do I really, in fact then, forgive at all? Chew on that, will you? Get back to me when you have a good answer.

Others would say, hey, this is karma. I hurt him first and broke his heart - and a week after that bit of awful, he lets me know that he realized he'd fallen in love with me. Yeah. Put that in your pipe baby.. NOW ask me how much worse I felt.. I dare you.. c'mon. So yes, I would also agree with you that possibly this is the proper punishment - maybe - if I hadn't tried with every nerve in my being to treat him as I had wished others had treated me when they felt the need to sever a close relationship.. and there was class and honesty and care taken. People.. there was care! And you know what? I was STILL the bad guy.

This weekend was a good reminder of many things. First and foremost - this town is too fucking small sometimes. To end up at a party with someone you're currently dating, someone else you.. well.. didn't date.. exactly.. as well as someone you loved dearly.. at the house of an acquaintance! I mean, what sort of punishment is that? Throw in the boy who spread rumors about me being a prude cuz HE didn't hold my hand at the movies in the 8th grade and maybe the girl in high school who threatened to beat me up once.. and I'd practically have myself a Sartre play or at the very least, a decent joke.. OR I could view Saturday as another confirmation that every year I'm stronger, more complete, hell.. happier even and with all I take in and come to realize, yes, I still have a long way to go. And I'm not discouraged.. it's challenging actually.. and that I like.

It was great to have an entire week dedicated to just being the birthday girl.. but it's time to get back to reality and back to being the work in progress that I really am. Maybe I'll put on a tiara for extra effect.

My favorite day ever

Please note your calendars cuz today is November 2nd and therefore, my birthday. Did you get that? Miracle Ear turned on? Cuz birthday = Mine! It's also the Day of the Dead in Mexico for all you fact finders out there. I don't know what significance that holds.. I just know that Mexico and I share this very same day as something to celebrate wildly and since I'm some sort of a Spanish mutt anyway, I raise my virtual glass in honor of us all with my dearest and most affectionate camaraderie.

Oh AND it's also rapper, Nelly's, birthday too. Like you could forget.. So um.. Go, go, go, go shawty, it's your birthday.. I'm not sure where I'm telling him to go.. maybe since he's like a kazillionaire.. um somewhere he can get me gifts! And Nelly, in case you're reading this and looking for ideas regarding that get-me-a-gift thing, I will now blatantly steal lines from my favorite blogger Miss Doxie to help you, "..my favorite color is 'large diamonds' and my birth stone is 'money.'"

Anyway, back to ME... and this is where I officially welcome you to my birthday! Scorpio-dom in all its glory! 34 years to the day I was brought into the world and smacked on the ass for the very first time (tho certainly not the last..). And I reserve the right to be as attention-whorish as I want since it's my day. And tho they still haven't begun a parade in my name (I'm on a waiting list to speak to the mayor about this gross oversight), in lieu of that, my personal celebration gets a little bit longer every year and is currently lasting well into a week's time or however long I deem it appropriate. So there! Pffft! Stop shushing me!

There are events planned.. don't think that there aren't. Sexy tiaras, sexier people, sexy wine and God knows some sexy desserts. This is my birthday people. Chocolate - and lots of it - will be directly involved. Oh and my favorite sexy bartender I adore - Leilani - from Black Bottle, my new favorite spot in the city. She makes a great ginger mojito and every male friend I've taken there wants to date her (or some other 4 letter word..), but she's better than that. Come to think of it.. I probably am too, but they're still my friends so I have to put up with them.

And then there's the just slightly serious moment where I wonder a little if my birth mother remembers me as I do her. And I send her a little silent thank you and hope she's well with her family and friends and happy in the choice that she gave me a life she may have not been able to provide me 34 years ago - even tho I do think I'm a baby of scandal and affairs.. but this is my Lifetime television event to twist into a tearjerker if I want. So grab a tissue and send over a nice bottle of something, won't you? Think of the children! Seriously, if you want to.. I do sorta have a tiny little thing of a wishlist on Amazon.. oh.. like here if you're so inclined.. you know, to browse.. or.. something. I do like my music and currently slobbering over the new Fiona, Brandi Carlile, Beck and dying, I tell you DYING, for both of The Shins cuz apparently I'm the last one to realize how great they are and yours truly does not have the budget.. no she does not.. and has to wait once a year for the required birthday money in order to splurge on her listening pleasure. Aren't you just so sad for me right now? But no, no please.. don't cry for me Argentina.. really, it's ok. I'll be.. fine.

Wow.. milking it, I'd say.. Sally Struthers should be doing the voice over for this..

So.. needless to say, my favorite day has arrived, I'm a little ball of energy and smiles cuz this day never sucks - and I'm grateful for that. I know it's already slated for everyone to be grateful in a few weeks, but I do take stock on my birthday as well. I have the love of friends and family, I haven't yet gone insane or have any mental defects that aren't completely tolerable, I get a few kisses here and there, and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and maintain a positive outlook (not that I don't have my bitchy days.. I mean, we all do..). Color me appreciative of that AND the fact that I'm only 1, that's O.N.E. year away from oh.. 35 (!!!), but I still get taken for about 10 years younger.. so yeah, ew.. 40.. God.. that's getting close, isn't it? Ugh.. ok, I'm going to freak the fuck out here in a second.. so back to Yay! Yay! It's my birthday! Yay! And we'll leave it at that. Whoo hoo!