I'm No Martha Stewart, But I Have Some Good Advice

Pomgirl has me list-thinking again.. and while getting ready for work last week I was thinking of things I could put in some sort of listy post.. to impart my day-to-day wisdom and share in the brightness that are the many lightbulbs switched on in my head (and which keep me from running into things) with my obsessed followers dedicated readers. You guys want to learn something new, don't you? I think you do. I don't care if your teachers in school have previously told your parents otherwise.. I believe in you!

So here goes..

1. Baking Soda Is Good For Removing Smells And Absorbing Liquid: Pour baking soda immediately where 'incident' occurred, leave overnight, and then vaccuum up or put in the wash.

This is good for things like kitty accidents.. or rather, kitty crimes cuz trust me.. this was no accident. I know this cuz one Emma, the cat, the alleged suspect, recently decided her litter box was sub-par and thought since I was distracted on a call that she would jump on the bed, where I was sitting and show me exactly how dissatisified she really was.. AND I hadn't been paying her enough attention anyway SO she thought I probably deserved it. Did I mention new sheets? Sigh..

** Thanks to Kari for this little tidbit as it saved my mattress, sheets, and not to mention, my nose. Nothing is worse than that smell for me.

2. In Place Of Deodorant, Rubbing Alcohol Works Even Better: Seriously - dab on with a cotton ball and that's it! I haven't used deodorant for a week (and I'm wondering if I really should admit that.. hm)! I still can't remember who told me about this just recently (now I'm going to get emails, I know) that models use this method so as not to mark up expensive clothing during photo shoots. And girls, I kinda sweat.. I'm not a glower, tho I'd love to say I am, but I'm just not... and tho you may need a touch up late afternoon, this is pretty cool. No stains on your clothes, no stink... it's odd that I haven't heard about this amazing phenomenon before.. and you can go ahead and not believe me ALL. YOU. LIKE. but it really works! And I think it's rad, so there.
*** UPDATE *** As Pixie so kindly reminded me in the comments, she is due the credit for this valuable bit.

3. Do Not Text While Driving: Just common sense right? Well, we all know sometimes that this is beyond me and luckily (thanks to all the powers that be) only once has this practice caused me a firm, but minor, fender bender a few years ago that was totally my fault.

We were completely stopped and I was sending a message to someone, but looked up and thought, tho completely stopped as I said, we were now moving. Why, you ask? That is a very good question. One the very nice lady in front of me also asked after I'd rear-ended her so rudely. But it did end well since there was no mark at all on her car and she let it slide. My little bumper had seen better days tho and I don't think my poor little Focus has really ever forgiven me.

4. Have Spare Keys To Your Apartment Or House Hidden OUTSIDE: Duh. Self-explanatory. This is an especially good idea when you're late for a first date and you're running out the door, slamming everything shut until it hits you immediately after closing said door, that your keys are still on the counter. Date will cancel, think you're completely unreliable, a bad liar, an airhead or all of the above and decide not to bother with you after that. Or maybe that just happens to me.

5. Do Not Wear Heels If You Have A Penchant For Clutziness: Now, despite how prone I am to falling down oh.. for no reason whatsoever and always in front of many people, I continue to do this. At 5' 3" height is something I covet and therefore do everything I can to increase my stature, even if only a few inches. It makes all the difference in my tiny world. Yet lately, my sandals have come pretty close to killing me.. multiple times. I sense they are doing it on purpose, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.. for now, tho I'm keeping a very close eye on the buggers. The other day, for example, I had no less than three, THREE, incidents getting out of my office chair AND walking down the hall AND walking to my car where I almost twisted my ankle AND consequently, probably could've very well maimed or severely damaged some useful parts of my body that are not used to this new height achieved by these sexy, open-toed numbers. I think some classes and/or training could be required and my people are looking into this as we speak.

5a: Do Not Wear Heels When Headed To Big Events Such As A Concert Or Independence Day: We walked and walked and walked and STILL continued to walk cuz I foolishly thought when heading to Gasworks Park on the 4th of July that there couldn't possibly be as many people there as there actually were. We parked practically in another district due to the ocean of people, which I've never seen in real life before. OCEAN.. of PEOPLE. EVERYWHERE. It was also my first time at Gasworks for this particular celebration in the 10 years I've lived in Seattle - and it was crazy and crowded and actually, really, really amazing. Thank God I had an extra pair of sandals in the car more suited for all the walking around.

This was not the case, however, when I went to the Indigo Girls concert at the zoo last weekend and traipsed all thru the place from the south side to the north where the concert gates were located, cuz I didn't know there was another frickin entrance closer, with a blanket, bag o crap, and cooler filled to the brim with ice, which all = very heavy and awkward when walking in cute and new little summer shoes in 85 degree weather. It also = blisters and much 'ow.'

6. Know What You Want When Going To The Salon And Take Pictures With You: You can't go to a salon and hem and haw.. this is the worst thing you can possibly do next to asking your stylist, 'What do YOU think I should do with this mop?' This has been the bane of my existance since I had the 'brilliant' idea of getting the current hairstyle I've had now for years. It's high-maintenance and a complete crapshoot when trying to find someone who really knows how to cut it. I've been fairly lucky, but once in a while, like recently, I'm butchered, have to wait for a good month or two for it to grow out properly and have to find a new stylist. Pictures usually can insure more consistent results as does going back to the same person cuz they get used to working with your hair and its limitations (I have four cowlicks people.. I'm a frickin anomaly) - and it also doesn't matter how much they charge. Some of the best cuts I've received have been $25 or less.. and I've found myself crying in my bathroom after a highly-recommended place destroyed my locks and raided my wallet to boot. So there you go.

7. (For The Girls) Do Not Wear A Short Skirt AND Carry A Backpack At The Same Time: This is an oldie, but a goodie. It of course depends on the type of skirt and type of backpack you have, but at the time when I was in college (Wow.. this was a long time ago.. 15 years? Geez I'm old!) I wore skirts often (sort of like.. now) and carried a backpack at all times. Those history and theatre books weren't exactly light. But I had a favorite skirt.. a-line, polyester, and brightly and psychedelically printed that I paired with purple tights and my cowboy boots (What can I say? I was a theatre major. I was out there a little in my fashion sense, but I thought I was cool.).

One day, my friend and I were walking away from the Student Union in the late afternoon after most classes were over so there was only a mere spattering of witnesses... and we were about 100 feet away on our walk towards another building when I heard gasping from behind. My friend and I both turned around to see people looking and pointing back at us.. or rather, more specifically, at me.. and the fact my skirt had been caught by the suede bottom of my backpack and ridden up so that one side of my backside was completely exposed, still covered, tho recognizable, in undies and purple tights. Luckily, this was well before my discovery of the comfort of thong underwear as well, but the full undie coverage didn't prevent any overall embarrassment.. no, it did not. After that, my backpack was almost always carried over one shoulder even if it made me look a bit lopsided.

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I think that's a good enough list for now tho there are many other tokens I could impart such as Do Not Become Romantically Involved With Anyone Who May Be Part Owner of the Company With Whom You're Currently Employed Even If He Tells You His Current Relationship Is 'Open' and When Making Friends With Your Ex's New Girlfriend (cuz that can happen once in a while), Do Not EVER Bring Up Stories Of ANY Nature, But Especially Sexual, Involving You And Your Ex. Yes, those are classic tidbits, but will have to be saved for another time.

Gleen what you can from me, my lovelies, and enjoy the newly acquired admiration soon to be heaped upon you by your peers, friends, and family when you too pass on this knowledge (that you've printed out, resized and laminated in order to carry with you at all times) that I've shared with you today only because I know how impressionable special and bright you all are.

Do report back if you've a remarkable story about how you saved the day or prevented a major social catastrophe by using one of my tried and true methods listed above. But really, no thanks is necessary. There's nothing like the overwhelming feeling of joy I get when I know I've fulfilled my purpose of helping others in desperate times. That's all the thanks I need.. Mwah!