Keanu Doesn't Bake Either

She answered my ad for a roommate with an email that included a top ten list:

Top 10 Reasons I'd be a Fantastic Housemate!

10. I can balance food on my nose and catch it in my mouth. HOURS of entertainment! Great family fun!

9. I have a tennis trophy. I'd let you hold it and pretend it's a Grammy award or an Oscar and I'll listen to your acceptance speech.

8. I can quote Friends at the drop of a hat. Seriously. If you have a life problem, I can solve it for you by using a Friends quote. Example? Let's say you have a fear of heights. I'd just say, "Face your fears! You're afraid of heights? You climb to the top of the Empire State Building! Afraid of bugs?. . .uh. . .get a bug!"

7. I don't like to brag, because I'm oh so humble, but I can bake a MEAN chocolate chip cookie. Seriously. Best you'll ever have.

6. I would give someone $1 to buy a soda and I WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE THAT PERSON PAY ME BACK!

5. I'd play hopscotch with you. We could bring hopscotch back with a vengeance! And then, every time they play hopscotch in the Olympics, they'd talk about how, back in 2007, we brought hopscotch back. With a vengeance, they'll say.

4. I'm a good rhymer. And I don't mean like rime, which is frosty and covers everything in the winter time. I mean like hat and cat. But even better than that.

3. I can rap Eminem's Lose Yourself without messing up more than 3 times.

2. I'll drop your name in conversations. Let's say I'm grocery shopping and I have a question about the freshness of the tilapia. Here's how I'd phrase my question to the fishmonger:"Excuse me, sir? Could you please tell me how fresh your tilapia is? Also, (your name here) is awesome. Oooh, is that Alaskan salmon?"

1. I don't screw people over. Because that would make me a jerkface. And I wouldn't want to be a jerkface, especially after I made a Top Ten List.

So yes. There you go. More about me? My name is Shine* and I'm 26 (blahblahblah.. more stuff about her that she'd probably prefer I didn't plaster all over the InterWeb).

I should confess something, before I go any further in this email: I sing in the shower *and* when I'm cooking. This might not seem important but I'm really not the greatest singer of our time. I'm not even the greatest singer of days of Yore. I could have *maybe* held my own in Yester Year though, but please don't quote me on that.

Now, here's my Important Thing: I come with a very sweet and *very* mellow Chocolate Lab. Her name is Moo** and she's in training for her first half-marathon. She wears butterfly wings when we go running because she lost a bet. Moo's hobbies include sleeping, sleeping, moving to the other side of the room and sleeping, running, following me around the kitchen whilst I cook, hoping I toss her a piece of asparagus or a garlic clove, sleeping, and playing tug of war with her favorite blanket. Moo has never, ever snapped at anyone or anything. If you'd like to do a background check on her, let me know and I'll send you her SS# and date of birth. She's happy to provide references upon request. She'd also enjoy making her own Top Ten list, should you require it.

I just realized I wrote more about my dog than I did about myself. Awesome.

I'm open to any questions you might have, so feel free ask! In the meantime, have a lovely day and eat something delicious!

Warmly,
Shine

*******

So I responded appropriately:

OhMYgod.. can you move in now?

*******

She was so funny that I told her I may just have to write a whole blog post about her.. like now.. if she didn't mind.. and she wrote back:

Please feel free to post anything I write anywhere. It's all part of my theory that the more exposure I get, the sooner Keanu Reeves will find me and ask me to be his plaything. And honestly? That will be the best day of my LIFE.

Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone,
Shine

* Gasp *

And there it was.. in all its illumintating shock and awe. Her only fault seems to be this irrational affinity for Keanu Reeves and I explained further when she asked what some of my likes and dislikes were that he was noted on the dislikes, but he wasn't alone:

Keanu Reeves & Winona Ryder - both winners of Miss D's Unable To Act Out Of Paper Bag award and honorary Why Do We Still Care About You People ribbons.

Yet she persisted:

Part of the beauty of Keanu is that he *can't* act. At all. Yet people keep hiring him, which intrigues me. Why do they keep hiring him? It must be because he's the greatest talent of our time. I keep waiting for him to bust out some phenomenal acting chops in a role and shock the hell out of everyone in the entire world. When that happens, wars and violence will end. Children will receive excellent public education. We will travel, as a planet, back to a simpler time where there is no pollution or poverty. All because Keanu Reeves finally acted his way out of that paper bag.

But I completed our discussion:

Wow. It's really sad that Keanu will never ever surprise anyone ever in the history of the whole world like you think might be possible because now all the children will stay stupid and poor and mean people will still exist and gays will never get married.. Maybe you should tell him about this weight he unknowingly carries so he can put himself out of his misery.. and ours.

Or so I thought:

And whatever. Keanu is pretty. And you'll owe me a cookie when he saves mankind.

So ok.. she might have me there.. but although Keanu and his saving of the entire world is pretty far fetched, the girl is pretty great. Yesterday, PMS was all up in my business and messing with my day for no good reason, but when I got home, she was just finishing baking two loaves of pumpkin bread AND a couple dozen chocolate chip cookies. With extra chocolate chips!! How much does she rock? I know.. SO much. Hey.. don't get any ideas. Back off! She's mine!

* Yes I helped with her nickname/blog alias. Plus, she's very shiny.. and not in an oily way.
** Yes, even the dog needed one too. Plus we do call her that. So there.