Happy Days

Do you SEE this view? THAT is my view from our roof! How incredible is that? I'll tell you. SO. That's exactly how incredible it is.

It's Sunday on this Memorial Day holiday weekend.. and it was supposed to rain. I think it did, but not when it mattered. We've had something of a gorgeous couple of days and it made for a lovely brunchwarming yesterday here at the A-team's modest abode.

We had Shine's homemade strata and caramel rolls that I simply wanted to live in and I made waffles and scrambled eggs. We poured a few bottles of champagne for cranberry or standard mimosas, sat in the sun on our deck and the rooftop one (not at the same time, of course) and visited with our friends. We were given a number of flowery plants and bouquets that made the party complete and colored our apartment into a bright and cheery place to be after everyone had left in pursuit of other sunshiny activities.

Shine and I high-fived on our teamwork and still-in-tact-and-clean home afterwards. Oh yeah,we had a good party.

The view from our rooftop deck makes the money we spend for rent feel worth it. It's more expensive than the last place but the landlords love us - and I mean LOVE. We can do no wrong in their eyes. Summer afternoons and evenings we can use the roof to have last minute barbecues or drinks with a sexy date if we wanted to. Well.. theoretically. We get a view of the city and the rich in their fancy sailboats lazily drifting on the water. It's a vast improvement from the last place and it finally feels like we've settled in.

I've been busy trying to focus on me a lot more lately and it feels good. It limits the social life, but there's socializing of sorts. I've met some new people associated with the Balagan Theatre, which I'm doing some stage managing for right now and really enjoying being a part of their current show, Take Me With You. I'll be doing the same role for the next show as well, Road Movie. Both are one-man shows played by Mark Pinkosh who is a wealth of talent and entertainment on and off stage. His partner, Godfrey, who wrote both plays, will be in town next weekend and I'm excited to bend his ear about his writing, which I really love. It feels good to be involved even if I'm not acting. They even gave me keys to the theatre. Clearly my oh-so-innocent face and batting eyes are an advantage when trying to network. Whatever works, I say.

Participating in the band is just icing on the performance cake. I'm loving it. It can be frustrating when I can't figure out where I can harmonize or what I can offer to an old classic soul song that originally had no harmony or back up in it in the first place so then I have to find a purpose other than the frickin tambourine while on stage (Have you ever played a tambourine? For real? They kinda hurt after like a minute. Ow.). And some songs are so old they can't be found on iTunes or Google and it's a guessing game what they're singing - but the whole thing is rewarding as hell. We don't even have ten songs that have come together completely yet, but we're moving along and getting some down. We'll need a lot more in order to have enough to fill an entire evening at any given bar.. but it'll happen. My friends are excited to hear about when we'll be doing that and I'm nervous, but not thinking quite that far ahead yet.

I did something that even surprised me tho. I invited Boris to join the group. We only had the one sax to represent the horn section and if you know any old soul music, there are a lot of horns in those songs. When the boys mentioned how a trombone or a trumpet could help, I thought, how convenient that I know a trumpet player.. and a damn good one at that.

He sounded enthusiastic about the idea when I posed it to him.. and so far, he's been to one rehearsal and loved it. I was really happy to see him when I walked in that night. We had previously decided that with more than just us to focus on, we could have fun and possibly strengthen what's become a very marginalized and weakened friendship since the break up in February. And tho this is a new development and I want to give it room, I'm impatient and mostly disappointed with his lack of communication since. I don't get the feeling he's leaving any space open in his life for me. Maybe there's no need. We both took some time and space to process - me needing more, I'm sure - but I feel having done that, I've put it away and let it go.. so, personally, I'd like my friend back. I've told him as much too. So I know either it didn't register or, and more likely, he doesn't feel the same. Maybe that will change, but when a lover vanishes from a significant place in my life, I'm never prepared for how vacant and crappy that feels.

I wonder sometimes if we were ever good enough friends for real.. or if we were just biding time knowing each other til we found our way to being romantically involved. Because even tho we put in the friend time prior to that and I thought we were close, I don't feel like we're friends regardless of what happened. I feel like we're just exes who maybe can't be friends because that attraction won't go away. Not one that pulls you from across a room. The difference is that now we're just forced to ignore it and we don't allow it to hold any weight. So what can you do when you're willing to put in the effort but it's simply not reciprocated? Nothing I suppose other than allow your initiative to lie there like dead lettuce, which kinda sucks.. but I can't do it all by myself, you know? We're meeting up tomorrow for dinner before rehearsal and I'm hoping we'll figure out how to get past all this quiet between us. Crossing fingers anyway.

There's one more day of this gloriously long weekend and I'm frickin thrilled about it. I love No Work Mondays. Especially No Work Mondays where I'm allowed to sleep in AND where I get to meet my new nephew! Especially those. I get to rehearse with the band after that and THEN I'm meeting up with Boz for some private catching up since he's been on the east coast this weekend visiting family. Added bonus. It's not supposed to be sunny, but I don't care. We had two extra days of unexpectedly warm weather and you can color me appreciative.

I have to say, this holiday weekend that included not leaving for the actual holiday at all, hasn't been so bad. Not even a little. Having no plans other than our brunchwarming and riding high on spur of the moment seems to have excelled beyond my initial expectations of.. just not knowing what to expect past Saturday afternoon. And look! No packing or unpacking. Two of my highly UNfavorite things. I say that's a fantastic weekend of holidaying when there are no unfavorite things that require your attention. I do indeed. You should try saying it yourself. I will even stop typing so we can all focus on you. Go ahead now. Yes. That's right. Now. No really. Go. Seriously.

Oh The Changes Abound!

Well there's been some developments around here.. and for once.. they're all pretty good. The weather is humid and warming up and Saturday it actually hit 95! Ok.. yes, lovely, but OW. And in other places of the world this is normal. This is great! Yay May! But when does that ever happen here? I'll tell you.. ne-ver. A few of my cute summery dresses have even made a few early appearances and they were pretty thrilled, so I heard.. 

So you saw the tattoo.. ? I take it you did.. It's something I've been thinking about for a few years and just didn't know if the design would be something I'd be really happy with for.. oh.. life. But Tony, my work crush, had started his design with this awesome woman, Roni at Hidden Hand, and it just inspired me to finally pursue it.

We messed with the size and a little of the shape always returning back to the original that I'd brought in. We narrowed the claws a little and discussed color, but I was soooo indecisive.. really not knowing what I wanted for sure.. thinking I did and clearly not at all. So I left to think about it further, but not without making the next and final appointment.. just one week away. I wanted something soon, but just far enough out to build the anticipation. 

Funny that I wasn't all that anxious - just a little nervous, mostly because I had my last tattoo done my junior year of college.. uh.. double digit years ago now and it took maybe 15 minutes. I remember that it hurt more than I thought it would, but this one took much longer.. and within five minutes of her starting, she had to stop because there was something going on with the gun. It was good tho to have a rest because I noticed that my whole body was tingling.. like I was high (not that I would AT ALL know what that's like). She said it was endorphins.. all I know is that was the last time I remember it not hurting while I was there.. because after that.. holy friggin crap! Ow! I thought my skin was being scraped off over and over a millimeter at a time. So surprise, right? I'm a complete wuss.

I sat on the table and then she had me lean over the back of a chair, which was good because I had the arms to grab onto when I was tensing every part of my upper body in order to keep my lower back relaxed. I couldn't handle it at all tho at first. I was barely breathing and when I was, I breathed out a little too fast and was making it difficult for her. She was very soothing, but firm with me about the not moving part. She would say 'Try not to..' but what she meant was 'Don't'. And eventually, I just buckled down and even sometimes pushed slightly into the pain because I didn't want to be the one to mess up this entire endeavor. I clenched my teeth, I swore, I whined.. but I did not cry - and I kind of thought I was going to - like who cries over getting a tattoo?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of. But after about 45 minutes of that, I was shaking so much from the adrenaline I could barely hand her my credit card, let alone sign my name to the slip. But ooooh.. was I proud!

So I had the tattoo.. and you know what goes with that? A band! That's right.. I'm suddenly in a band. A classic soul band to be exact. A classic soul band.. with no name at the moment.. but who cares? I'M IN A BAND! 

Some of you might not know (I mean, even tho we're all longtime pals, we are virtual pals - tho I still love you to bits!) but I sing a little. A lot actually.. all over.. in the car, at work.. wherever. I'm decent. Better than Britney, but not as good as Christina - to put it not so accurately simply. 

I've been thinking for a while that I need to pursue more artistic adventures and five minutes after searching Craig's List for bar stools for the apartment and getting tired of that, I clicked 'musicians' for the hell of it. I saw an ad for a singer for a classic soul band - mostly back ups and some lead possibly.. and there I was responding to it like an eager little beaver.. er.. well something that sings.. and.. that's eager. Ok.. nevermind. You get the gist.

She emailed back, I sang in her kitchen all a capella style - you know, very formal and nerve-wracking - met with the band the next day and I was in! And ohmygod!! It's so fun! I'M SINGING IN A BAND PEOPLE! How rad is that? I'll tell you.. it's way more than rad! And I actually didn't know it was possible to sing more often than I do now.. but it is! 

Then the weekend just got a little nuts with activities. Friday night on the verge of the weekend heatwave, I met up with Yoda who is so busy he never goes out much. We decided on Thai food before our evening of entertainment, which was a pair of comp tickets to The Actor's latest undertaking at Taproot Theatre - Over The River And Through The Woods, which was fantastic! We didn't know anything about it, but holy crap was it funny and extremely well acted and witty and sweet.. I sort of fell in love with it and so did Yoda. Gave us a lot to talk about afterwards and The Actor came to give hugs and say hello. It'd been a while since I'd seen him and his family had come to see the show as well so we didn't exactly have all the time to catch up, but we've got a plan to do that over drinks for an as of yet unspecified date. 

Saturday was a spur of the moment trip with Yoda to The Land Of All Things Swedish, aka Ikea. Both of us settling in for a good few hours of Major Purchasing - and ohhh.. did we ever. I got a fancy white leather Klippan number (due to Ms. Glamorous Herself having a fit of anger we think over Ms. Shine staying home so much when she was ill with the flu and then trying to go to work for four measly hours.. so little Ms. Kitty missed her madly and decided her best option to communicate her exact level of mad was to pee on our old one. Oh what a world it would be if humans dealt with anger the same way.. can you just imagine?!). It's oh-so sexy and still minus it's legs for the time being.. but it's pretty fabulous. We all agree. 

Clearly, not having exercised enough by walking thousands of miles thru Ikea's warehouses, I hit the gym for a bit.. then met up with my friend, Scott, for some dancing and dj'ing by Miguel Migs, whom I love. Unfortunately, it was literally how hot I imagine Hell to be and when Boz texted around 1 am asking if I wanted to meet up for some company, I thought he'd given me a much better reason to be sweaty. 

Sunday was filled with a) couch delivery at 9:30 am, which included jetting from Boz' like the wind to meet the delivery guy who didn't call before he arrived, b) meeting up with Curls (a newer girlfriend of mine who's joining our Burning Man camp) to start sewing some furry boot covers as part of our collective costumes - and they look pretty damn rad, if I do say so myself (for someone who did NONE of the sewing, mind you - that's me, fyi.. I did the cutting. She sewed. She's a gift, that girl.), c) I then ran to Wazhma's baby shower for a couple of hours and she looked glowy and beautiful and d) off I went after that to rehearsal for the band til 10pm! Dude - I'M IN A BAND! 

Seriously.. it's a little hectic and about to get even more so because of this next show I'm stage managing for the next four (4!) weeks.. and since it's friggin late and this post is stupidly rambly, I'll get back to you with more on that later. Get some sleep and dream lovely things.. and if a band name floats thru your subconscious, try your best to remember it and send it to me, ok? No, I'm really not kidding. Think 60's soul.. but try not to use the words 'soul', 'rock', you know.. that sort of thing.. because you know.. we're a little teensy stumped.. so help a girl with a band with no name out, won't you? Mwah!

It Hurt Like Hell, But Isn't It Awesome?!

The Evolution of Family

I drove down to Oregon to check in on the parental units a couple of weeks ago. Mom's been in good spirits with all this gardening weather and my stepdad is quite the character. He's really grown on me as a solid person in my mother's life - not to mention mine. When I call to talk to Mom, more often now, I feel comfortable catching up with him too. I'm not sure why that was so hard at first. It's taken a while for me to let him in, but he's a sweet man and deserves all the respect and love I can give as his stepdaughter. He still calls me 'girl', which sometimes makes me think he's calling a dog.. but I know he means well and he really looks after Mom. I love that he does that for her. Mom is a different person since they met. 180 degrees happier and more positive. Who doesn't want that for their mom? It's pretty great.

She called before my visit to tell me that they'd found out my stepdad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer.. and my heart broke a little for her. She told me in a quiet moment we had together that she didn't think she could go thru it all again. I instantly remembered some choice moments in her struggles with Dad, a lot of which I wasn't there to witness, but I saw enough of them and the effects it had on their already obligated relationship. It was an agonizing experience. My Dad was a good-hearted man.. but life with him normally was often difficult. Life with him plus leukemia was searingly painful.

Dale is a completely different kind of person, but I know Dad would've liked him. He went out of his way when I was there to ask me if work was getting better, how my therapy was going, and relayed a story about going back into the workforce after the Vietnam war. It was a very different situation, but he tried to relate to me, to show me he understood my difficulties by sharing his memories of his own personal growth and still offered me encouragement, not to mention told me how proud he was of me for my choices. It touched me. My parents never said those things to me and not that I hold it against Mom, but I'm still quite aware of that fact. It was a sweet conversation and it's not something I'm used to having with my family. It made me feel closer to him and for the first time in eight years, that the space left open by my father - the most important man to me in my life - was finally and appropriately filled again in my heart.

It was my father's birthday yesterday. I've been missing him a little more here and there. When I was buying my new car, when I did my taxes, when I have to get out my girly wrench or hammer for some small repair in the house.. I wish I could call him and tell him what I did, ask him questions about financial things or what I should do about my life. He'd call me Susie-Q and I'd remember that sometimes he'd whistle thru his teeth on the s's. I remember the steely look of his light blue eyes when he was angry with me and how he'd go on an and on even if the argument was over and no one was left in the room to hear him. No, he wasn't perfect and he wasn't always happy, but I always knew he loved me regardless. I forgave him for all his anger because he was damaged inside somewhere and it was just too late for him to change that.

One of my closest girlfriends called me on Sunday and told me her father died. We knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. In seconds after she told me, she was breaking down in heavy tears. I tried to stay strong for her and hoped that she could feel whatever consolation I could offer from that distance over the phone because I've been thru it and it helps just to know someone is there. It's one of the most awful hurts to lose a parent and I hate that she has to go thru this now. It isn't fair. We're supposed to be much more grey and aged when our parents pass away and when they go in their 50's, even if they weren't the most ideal example of what a parent should be, the weight of that kind of pain is crushing. ** I love you Kar.. and you're in my thoughts.

When I called to check in after getting home from the weekend, I asked a few more questions and Mom said that Dale should recover completely. He won't have to do chemo or radiation and it'll be a small operation to remove the prostate. Good prognosis - but they need to get it scheduled and their doctor said nothing was open til August. I was very territorial then and told her if she couldn't get anything earlier than that, they were coming up here because that is just too long to wait. Mom had a good laugh over me being so pushy.. but he's made such a difference in our lives. Mostly hers. I'm certainly not going to let anything ruin that if I have any say about that.

As far as my Seattle family, Shine and I have had some rough spots lately. Things build up between roommates and the moving took a lot out of us. Tho things don't feel as crazy in my life, I haven't been the nicest person lately and couldn't find a way to discuss what was going on without it coming out the wrong way. But something finally clicked and Shine and I found a way to say everything we needed to say and still be supportive friends. I forget that ultimately I'm a child of a couple decades of verbal abuse and I don't acknowledge that enough because I can't go on thinking it didn't affect me. I don't want to use it as my excuse, but abuse is a repetitive cycle and only begets more abuse. It's difficult for me to admit that's part of my internal battle with myself, but hell.. it's also why I'm in therapy.

So with the air cleared and that uncomfortable weight lifted, Shine and I got down to business finishing our apartment. We spent the weekend being creative and finding the perfect spot for each piece of art we own and all of a sudden, everything felt warmer. We were home. Everything looks pretty frickin amazing too. Emma and Moo laze about comfortably near each other and play more often - not together of course. That would never do for Emma. She's far too glamorous.. except when she poos in my closet. And Miss Moo is the picture of the most well-behaved dog.. except when she digs thru the bathroom garbage because one of us forgot to close the door when we went out.

But this is my home with my 'family' in it. I love that it's reliable and consistent and isn't going anywhere just because we don't always agree. I like that all my families are feeling more like functioning, working relationships - and actually, more function and less work overall. Not only am I starting to rid myself of my negative habits, but it reflects on the people I choose to have in my life and how I'm treated by those who love me and choose to stick around.

Wow! Improvement! *Pats self on back*

Speaking of changes.. if you haven't noticed, spring has arrived in Seattle. Yes, it was probably here two months ago, but you can never really tell til like May.. so. The sun has been shining more often and the men in this town all seem to be in heat. Mostly that's ok with me as I appreciate a good flirty look from someone with eyes so deep I could drown in them easily.. like I got on Sunday. And wouldn't you know that the evening couldn't have been lovelier.. and it might've been so lovely that we didn't want to part, but people come with baggage and mine isn't so cute and compact, but it's also not, you know.. Texas either. There just comes a point in the process of getting to know someone that you discuss what you come with. When that's determined is harder for me to figure out and no, it's not usually on first dates. But I made a judgement call based on how our evening could've ended and it definitely changed the outcome. I'm not sure I made a mistake opening up so soon, but I sort of wish I'd waited til at least the next one. Sometimes I wish I had an editor. Sigh..

There's another dark horse in the running tho so it's not like there isn't distraction, but the complications surrounding that add up very quickly. You ready? Well, we work together.. in the same department.. our department is only three people AND he's the one who was designated to take the lead position, which I held originally. Not complicated enough for you? Ok.. he's also in the midst of a divorce. Yeah.. just take that all in why don't you. It's a whole lot to consider and the risks are extremely high because we genuinely like each other as friends as well.

All I can say is thank God for Boz because a girl has to eat.. if you know what I mean.. and I'm sure you do.. you're quick like that. It's nice that he and I can hang out without issue - tho I did meet the girl he's currently dating and could she be cooler? I'm sure she could, but I don't know how. Could the whole group of us maybe have liked her a lot? Could she be awesomer? No.. I don't think so. She knows our casual sitch and she's ok with it, not to mention she's comfortable with all of us as a group and shockingly, so am I. How rad is the no drama factor? How rad is it that I'm so terribly evolved?! I'll tell you, pretty rad.

I like being on the edge of summer. There's so much that gets going when the sun comes out. My social life feels packed with activities and organizing plans with different combinations of friends. There will be KT Tunstall I'm seeing with a new girlfriend on Saturday, Kids In The Hall next Thursday, our housewarming to which Shine and I invited everyone we know, and some very important Burning Man training for Boz because the boy doesn't know yet how to ride a bike. Yes, I'm serious.. and if you're going to Burning Man, that's how you get around and this boy WILL be getting around if it kills me. And it probably will. I can teach someone to ride a bike.. can't I? I mean.. how hard is it? Right?

I don't know what it was about the first quarter of this year.. I know it's been hard for a lot of people. Maybe the planets were aligning in some way that pulled all our fates to a difficult direction. But it does make you stronger and I have to say - man, everyone should run, not walk, to therapy because - wow. It really makes all the difference. It feels good to learn how to be a better person, how to take more control of your own power, and how to recognize patterns and change them. My personal philosophy is that if it was easy, you wouldn't learn anything.. and I kept saying that to myself over and over. I'm glad I kept moving forward and I know I did the best I could to handle everything hitting me all at once even if I didn't always handle it well. I know things didn't happen to me and I know I took part in choices that didn't get me the results I wanted. I'm so much more myself - just a new and improved version - still open to change and more readily able to return all the support I was offered.

I tell you.. I'm ready for a lot more joy.. and just so you know.. there should be a little bundle of that coming any minute - Fatima is being induced today because bebe is refusing to arrive on time. See? I'm a great influence. Bebe is already learning from me how being late is more than fashionable. It's downright required if you plan on making an entrance into this world.. So excuse me while I wait for that call to tell me the newest member of my extended family has arrived. Oh the stories I will have to tell!