The Evolution of Family

I drove down to Oregon to check in on the parental units a couple of weeks ago. Mom's been in good spirits with all this gardening weather and my stepdad is quite the character. He's really grown on me as a solid person in my mother's life - not to mention mine. When I call to talk to Mom, more often now, I feel comfortable catching up with him too. I'm not sure why that was so hard at first. It's taken a while for me to let him in, but he's a sweet man and deserves all the respect and love I can give as his stepdaughter. He still calls me 'girl', which sometimes makes me think he's calling a dog.. but I know he means well and he really looks after Mom. I love that he does that for her. Mom is a different person since they met. 180 degrees happier and more positive. Who doesn't want that for their mom? It's pretty great.

She called before my visit to tell me that they'd found out my stepdad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer.. and my heart broke a little for her. She told me in a quiet moment we had together that she didn't think she could go thru it all again. I instantly remembered some choice moments in her struggles with Dad, a lot of which I wasn't there to witness, but I saw enough of them and the effects it had on their already obligated relationship. It was an agonizing experience. My Dad was a good-hearted man.. but life with him normally was often difficult. Life with him plus leukemia was searingly painful.

Dale is a completely different kind of person, but I know Dad would've liked him. He went out of his way when I was there to ask me if work was getting better, how my therapy was going, and relayed a story about going back into the workforce after the Vietnam war. It was a very different situation, but he tried to relate to me, to show me he understood my difficulties by sharing his memories of his own personal growth and still offered me encouragement, not to mention told me how proud he was of me for my choices. It touched me. My parents never said those things to me and not that I hold it against Mom, but I'm still quite aware of that fact. It was a sweet conversation and it's not something I'm used to having with my family. It made me feel closer to him and for the first time in eight years, that the space left open by my father - the most important man to me in my life - was finally and appropriately filled again in my heart.

It was my father's birthday yesterday. I've been missing him a little more here and there. When I was buying my new car, when I did my taxes, when I have to get out my girly wrench or hammer for some small repair in the house.. I wish I could call him and tell him what I did, ask him questions about financial things or what I should do about my life. He'd call me Susie-Q and I'd remember that sometimes he'd whistle thru his teeth on the s's. I remember the steely look of his light blue eyes when he was angry with me and how he'd go on an and on even if the argument was over and no one was left in the room to hear him. No, he wasn't perfect and he wasn't always happy, but I always knew he loved me regardless. I forgave him for all his anger because he was damaged inside somewhere and it was just too late for him to change that.

One of my closest girlfriends called me on Sunday and told me her father died. We knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. In seconds after she told me, she was breaking down in heavy tears. I tried to stay strong for her and hoped that she could feel whatever consolation I could offer from that distance over the phone because I've been thru it and it helps just to know someone is there. It's one of the most awful hurts to lose a parent and I hate that she has to go thru this now. It isn't fair. We're supposed to be much more grey and aged when our parents pass away and when they go in their 50's, even if they weren't the most ideal example of what a parent should be, the weight of that kind of pain is crushing. ** I love you Kar.. and you're in my thoughts.

When I called to check in after getting home from the weekend, I asked a few more questions and Mom said that Dale should recover completely. He won't have to do chemo or radiation and it'll be a small operation to remove the prostate. Good prognosis - but they need to get it scheduled and their doctor said nothing was open til August. I was very territorial then and told her if she couldn't get anything earlier than that, they were coming up here because that is just too long to wait. Mom had a good laugh over me being so pushy.. but he's made such a difference in our lives. Mostly hers. I'm certainly not going to let anything ruin that if I have any say about that.

As far as my Seattle family, Shine and I have had some rough spots lately. Things build up between roommates and the moving took a lot out of us. Tho things don't feel as crazy in my life, I haven't been the nicest person lately and couldn't find a way to discuss what was going on without it coming out the wrong way. But something finally clicked and Shine and I found a way to say everything we needed to say and still be supportive friends. I forget that ultimately I'm a child of a couple decades of verbal abuse and I don't acknowledge that enough because I can't go on thinking it didn't affect me. I don't want to use it as my excuse, but abuse is a repetitive cycle and only begets more abuse. It's difficult for me to admit that's part of my internal battle with myself, but hell.. it's also why I'm in therapy.

So with the air cleared and that uncomfortable weight lifted, Shine and I got down to business finishing our apartment. We spent the weekend being creative and finding the perfect spot for each piece of art we own and all of a sudden, everything felt warmer. We were home. Everything looks pretty frickin amazing too. Emma and Moo laze about comfortably near each other and play more often - not together of course. That would never do for Emma. She's far too glamorous.. except when she poos in my closet. And Miss Moo is the picture of the most well-behaved dog.. except when she digs thru the bathroom garbage because one of us forgot to close the door when we went out.

But this is my home with my 'family' in it. I love that it's reliable and consistent and isn't going anywhere just because we don't always agree. I like that all my families are feeling more like functioning, working relationships - and actually, more function and less work overall. Not only am I starting to rid myself of my negative habits, but it reflects on the people I choose to have in my life and how I'm treated by those who love me and choose to stick around.

Wow! Improvement! *Pats self on back*

Speaking of changes.. if you haven't noticed, spring has arrived in Seattle. Yes, it was probably here two months ago, but you can never really tell til like May.. so. The sun has been shining more often and the men in this town all seem to be in heat. Mostly that's ok with me as I appreciate a good flirty look from someone with eyes so deep I could drown in them easily.. like I got on Sunday. And wouldn't you know that the evening couldn't have been lovelier.. and it might've been so lovely that we didn't want to part, but people come with baggage and mine isn't so cute and compact, but it's also not, you know.. Texas either. There just comes a point in the process of getting to know someone that you discuss what you come with. When that's determined is harder for me to figure out and no, it's not usually on first dates. But I made a judgement call based on how our evening could've ended and it definitely changed the outcome. I'm not sure I made a mistake opening up so soon, but I sort of wish I'd waited til at least the next one. Sometimes I wish I had an editor. Sigh..

There's another dark horse in the running tho so it's not like there isn't distraction, but the complications surrounding that add up very quickly. You ready? Well, we work together.. in the same department.. our department is only three people AND he's the one who was designated to take the lead position, which I held originally. Not complicated enough for you? Ok.. he's also in the midst of a divorce. Yeah.. just take that all in why don't you. It's a whole lot to consider and the risks are extremely high because we genuinely like each other as friends as well.

All I can say is thank God for Boz because a girl has to eat.. if you know what I mean.. and I'm sure you do.. you're quick like that. It's nice that he and I can hang out without issue - tho I did meet the girl he's currently dating and could she be cooler? I'm sure she could, but I don't know how. Could the whole group of us maybe have liked her a lot? Could she be awesomer? No.. I don't think so. She knows our casual sitch and she's ok with it, not to mention she's comfortable with all of us as a group and shockingly, so am I. How rad is the no drama factor? How rad is it that I'm so terribly evolved?! I'll tell you, pretty rad.

I like being on the edge of summer. There's so much that gets going when the sun comes out. My social life feels packed with activities and organizing plans with different combinations of friends. There will be KT Tunstall I'm seeing with a new girlfriend on Saturday, Kids In The Hall next Thursday, our housewarming to which Shine and I invited everyone we know, and some very important Burning Man training for Boz because the boy doesn't know yet how to ride a bike. Yes, I'm serious.. and if you're going to Burning Man, that's how you get around and this boy WILL be getting around if it kills me. And it probably will. I can teach someone to ride a bike.. can't I? I mean.. how hard is it? Right?

I don't know what it was about the first quarter of this year.. I know it's been hard for a lot of people. Maybe the planets were aligning in some way that pulled all our fates to a difficult direction. But it does make you stronger and I have to say - man, everyone should run, not walk, to therapy because - wow. It really makes all the difference. It feels good to learn how to be a better person, how to take more control of your own power, and how to recognize patterns and change them. My personal philosophy is that if it was easy, you wouldn't learn anything.. and I kept saying that to myself over and over. I'm glad I kept moving forward and I know I did the best I could to handle everything hitting me all at once even if I didn't always handle it well. I know things didn't happen to me and I know I took part in choices that didn't get me the results I wanted. I'm so much more myself - just a new and improved version - still open to change and more readily able to return all the support I was offered.

I tell you.. I'm ready for a lot more joy.. and just so you know.. there should be a little bundle of that coming any minute - Fatima is being induced today because bebe is refusing to arrive on time. See? I'm a great influence. Bebe is already learning from me how being late is more than fashionable. It's downright required if you plan on making an entrance into this world.. So excuse me while I wait for that call to tell me the newest member of my extended family has arrived. Oh the stories I will have to tell!