Will She Rise..

God.. this was a really hard day..

Finally thinking I'm on the mend, I came into work. Still sniffly, I managed thru tho. But not long there, I'd missed following up on something I didn't see as urgent from last week and my lead - someone who used to be a friend and has, since he's become management, changed so drastically I don't even want to know him - became so upset with me he had to pull me into an office. I'm told I 'don't pay attention', that I'm 'making excuses', that my 'work is suffering' - none of which is true. My work is not suffering or he would've had something else to tell me when I asked what else I'd dropped. He wouldn't hear about his inconsistancy from me, that when I go to him for help he wonders why I didn't do it myself and when I try to do it myself, he asks me why I didn't escalate it to him. No. The talk wasn't about that, it's what I'd failed to do, which we'd gone over three times. I said each time I was sorry, I would fix it immediately, but I didn't understand why he was so upset. He said I knew exactly why he was upset. For the reasons he just gave. Ok John Wayne. Fine. I dropped my head. Said 'ok.. is there anything else?' And with his 'no', I left - almost in tears and fighting to keep them back. How's that for a motivating conversation? I worked til 8:30 - 12 hours - thru lunch and beyond to catch up what I'd missed from being stuck with a cold this week and home for a day so I could be out tomorrow and Monday for a weekend away with the Boyfriend. And I still feel like I failed..

Mom called before that - my stepdad was going in for surgery right then - said it'd be about five hours and he'd be out. They were going to remove the tumor they still couldn't determine anything about and call it a day. They've done four biobsies that were inconclusive so we really didn't think there was much to worry about, but it was causing him a variety of problems regardless.

When she called in the late afternoon, much longer than five hours, I figured it had to be good news and she was headed home. Immediately, she said it hadn't gone well and I could hear her choking back tears. The doctors went in and could tell right away it was cancer. It'd spread all over his gall bladder. They told her they couldn't operate because it's so intrusive around that organ, it would've killed him. And then she sort of broke all over the phone. She couldn't answer any of my questions really, she didn't know the answers and said the doctors would tell her more later - but all I could think of were horrible things like how much longer does he have to live and isn't that what they do on Grey's Anatomy when there's nothing they can do? Look in, go 'ohmygod', and sew them back up, telling the patient in the next scene how sorry they are but they couldn't do anything and by the way, you really don't have much longer? I mean, if they can't remove it, isn't it bad? Too much tv for this one here, clearly.

It's a bad day when your mother calls you crying.. that's all I'm saying.. and then I'm crying and feeling so sad that she has to go thru this all over again. It sucks. It's unfair. It's all kinds of lame.

Um.. also? My 37th birthday is Sunday. So you know what I'm grateful for because I already have them and don't need anything else? Shine's hugs when I get home from this crappy day, my cat, Jake's hugs as well once I'm packed and head over to his house to sleep with him for the first time in three days, that I'll be allowed to cry on his shoulder and let it all out - all of it - til I have no more left and can fall asleep feeling safe and loved.. and then off we go tomorrow morning - after I've put a cold compress to my swollen eyes probably - to Victoria for a well-deserved, long overdue four-day weekend where I get him all to myself and we can have high tea and walk aimlessly in the rain and pretend we're fantastic world travelers (ok I'll pretend - he already is) and feel drunk from all the love between us - or because of many drinks.. whatever works. I'm not picky at this moment.

So off I go! No gifts please.. just send love.. or I guess wine would be ok.. or money.. a new job wouldn't be half bad either.. but don't knock yourself out or anything. Just suggestions, mind you.. And you know, take care of you. Tell your family you love them, ok? Just saying..