No Day But Today..

Anyone who knows me knows I sing. Pretty much all the time. When I'm in a normal and happy place (which y'all know I haven't been for a while, but one day I'll be back there), I hum at work, I sing in the car.. music is in my head all the damn time. I would die without it.

I've had a dream to be on Broadway for a long time.. probably since I decided to be an actor during high school when I was cast in my very first musical, You're A Good Man Charlie Brown.. I was Snoopy. When the lights went down, I felt it. I could be me.. but also a thousand other characters. I dreamed of dancing and singing my way thru life, struggling like the story goes for every actor to some degree.. but living my life as an artist. It was kind of magical.

Then I moved to Seattle to pursue real theater after college and suddenly bills and life and all the usual things got in the way. It was easy to forget what I'd come up here to pursue because I was just trying to survive.

Tho I've been involved with local theater steadily for the last couple of years now and have realized more of that original goal, every time I see a musical in the bigger theater houses in the city, my heart beats faster, my eyes get wider and that feeling that made me run away to theater school comes back. I'm using my degree but not in acting - and none of the theater I do involves singing. I know to a lot of people musicals are all cheese and I'll give them that.. but there's something exciting about using your voice for that art and creating synergy with well-written music.

RENT is one of those musicals that's big for me. When I first heard about it, it was different and young, very New York and brassy - and I met one of my first boyfriends here while we waited in the cattle call line to audition for the touring production so many years ago now. I had an awful cold and no voice at all, but wasn't about to miss the audition. It was my first experience of more waiting than auditioning, but I did it anyway. There were 600 of us. Only one girl was cast from the call.

I saw that touring production when it came back thru and was blown away by how much more fulfilling the show was live than just on the recording. Of course, none of the cast was from the original Broadway show, but they were incredible nonetheless. And tho, still kind of cheesy in moments, it pulled you in despite that and I left not only feeling moved, but admiring the cast who worked to get where they were.

Tonight I saw it for the second time and felt the exact same way. The two original Broadway leads who played Mark and Roger, Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp, were included in the cast this time. It was the closing show for the week's run here and we'd been given special 'house seats' by a friend who had connections to the tour - so we had third row balcony, pretty close to center, and Paramount Club access where there were complimentary appetizers and a private bar. The seats were fantastic and the extras added a little kick to our night.

When the show started, the leads brought my own personal soundtrack to life with their familiar voices I'd heard a kajillion times. It was pretty amazing to see them live and on stage in the flesh. The entire cast was great - especially my namesake, Angel, who always manages to steal the show for the most part. We laughed and cried.. MJ more than me this time.. and the entire audience immediately erupted into a standing ovation of cheers the moment it was over.

It reminded me why I wanted to get into theater. It made me want to pick up roots and run away to New York where musical theater lives, breathes and pays rent.. no pun intended. Seattle is more straight theater and I'm not sure it pushes me enough. It's a solid little area for sure, but maybe I'm feeling too comfortable. I don't know.. is it me that's too complacent or my environment? Maybe a combination of both. Or maybe I'm laying blame on the outside forces when I haven't done the work.. I haven't put in time to find voice lessons, work on audition pieces and find the auditions. I got so caught up in being behind the scenes because I was intimidated. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be so I wanted to back up and watch others do it for a while, take in those experiences and learn. Maybe I have tho.. maybe after my break from the world of drama that I've had on and off stage, I'll come back with some renewed energy, a healed heart would be nice too.. and a new focus within the passion that started me in this direction in the first place.

The show has a few themes but the overwhelming one is that of love.. and to live in the moment. Live like it's your last. Sounds like an Oprah affirmation for sure.. but honestly, who cares? If you allow it in, it's inspiring.. and I haven't felt inspired for a while. I'm just getting by because things have been so painful.. and the daily hurt is still there, to a lesser degree certainly, but it's there. I'm learning to move past it - most days are ok and some days still kind of overwhelmingly suck and I feel claustrophobic and inconsolable. I'm still in love with him for now. I will probably always love him. But I chose him for almost a year and gave that relationship everything I had. It hasn't been terribly long, but it's still time I chose myself, put my energy back into my own life and stopped looking back to see if he's noticed.. because, let's be honest.. he hasn't. And I'm not doing it for him or his reaction anyway.. I'm doing it for myself. Seasons of love indeed..

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

Observations

Music can not be loud enough for me lately. My friend, Jude, is kind enough to send me new tunes at the drop of a hat - and just about anything I could ask for. Such a gift.. The new Green Day is my favorite right now. I know people say a lot of shit about them.. Don't care. It's simply Dirty-Eye-Liner-Wearing-Punkish-Boy Rock.. and it's getting me thru. I put it on and instantly think, oh I'm not in the mood for this, but then another second later, I'm feeling lighter and rocking out in the car. It's frickin awesome.

Have you ever noticed - because it's painfully obvious - how Prius drivers are THE slowest drivers on the PLANET?! I'm just saying.

I eat a container of Trader Joe's hummus a week. That's 16 ounces.. a WHOLE POUND.. of HUMMUS! A WEEK!

Who is NOT excited for So You Think You Can Dance? Right.. don't answer that because EVERYONE should be! Hellooo! All the gay boys and I can't get enough.. AND they're doing a SECOND SHOW in the fall.. as in YAY! Tho I completely skipped watching the auditions from Seattle cuz I heard that was the worst city. Ouch. But Mary - we're sorry.. we're a town of actors and artists, not dancers. Not, shockingly, like Denver (tho - weird.. Denver? Who knew?!). Forgive? We forgive your annoying shouting so.. call it square? Good.

Haagen Daaz has a new flavor called Vanilla Honey Bee -- don't walk, RUN to get some because, hi, YUM! AAAAND they're doing it for a purpose! Did you know the honeybees are dying? DYING! Sad.. and really weird - they have a virus! And they produce flowers and berries and because of them things grow! They're kind of amazing tho yes, people are scared of bees, but honeybees are sweet! They're like the koala bears of the bear world.. but you know.. the bee one instead. So buy some first - and then put it over brownies because seriously.. sooo good!

Traveling alone has never appealed to me.. til now. I'm still pretty nervous about it.. but I think, come late August or early September, I might be taking a trip overseas. The destination is still unknown.. but the idea gets more and more exciting every time I think about it.

And according to a handful of people so far.. in order to get over someone, you need to go out with someone else. So, um.. after a successful event, which was completely marred for me because The Ex treated me like shit and I was so surprised by it that I let him, I cried all the next day, sent some emails that didn't make a damn bit of difference other than receiving his apology, which I wouldn't have been given had I not told him how hurtful he was the night before.. AND I moved onto the angry stage real fast. Yeah, I cried for a full day.. but not all week. That right there is improvement. Finding strength to keep going, to stop contacting him, to realize tho I knew it wasn't the end of the world, to really believe it, and to be happy despite being disappointed that he can love me all he wants, but he still made the choice to walk away.

So! My point was? It's still very small and I may clearly not be ready, but I reactivated my silly online dating profile. Yup! And you know what? Tho they aren't all men I'd be into, they kind of came out of the woodwork.. well, maybe because the paper sort of featured me - like on the login page of the personals. Like the next day after it was set up. Uh.. ok. Wow. A little embarrassing.. Just felt odd because it's so out there that The Ex is bound to be told someone's seen me.. tho I hope not because that wasn't my intention, but I did get a kick in the ass from Fatima for even caring because I don't owe him anything. I know he wants me to be happy, but I feel a little hypocritical after telling him how I didn't see myself moving on anytime soon. But I kind of said fuck it - he knows I love him - and he should know how much, he knows I'm proud of him and what we had.. but he let me go. By choice. And if the timing isn't right, then I should feel good enough to explore other relationships, meet new people and feel inspired by those who know who they are and what they want. The Ex isn't there yet.. and he knew I wasn't going to wait. I had to be reminded that life is too short and I give too much.. and no, I won't wait for 'the future to bring what it brings'.. because yawn. So. Over. It. I want to participate in my future a little sooner than what waiting for it will bring me. Screw waiting.

I can explain further another time.. but at least for this moment.. at like almost 1am when I have the most brilliant realizations, I mean.. don't you? I feel like the weight's lifting. Just in time for summer I'd say.