No Day But Today..

Anyone who knows me knows I sing. Pretty much all the time. When I'm in a normal and happy place (which y'all know I haven't been for a while, but one day I'll be back there), I hum at work, I sing in the car.. music is in my head all the damn time. I would die without it.

I've had a dream to be on Broadway for a long time.. probably since I decided to be an actor during high school when I was cast in my very first musical, You're A Good Man Charlie Brown.. I was Snoopy. When the lights went down, I felt it. I could be me.. but also a thousand other characters. I dreamed of dancing and singing my way thru life, struggling like the story goes for every actor to some degree.. but living my life as an artist. It was kind of magical.

Then I moved to Seattle to pursue real theater after college and suddenly bills and life and all the usual things got in the way. It was easy to forget what I'd come up here to pursue because I was just trying to survive.

Tho I've been involved with local theater steadily for the last couple of years now and have realized more of that original goal, every time I see a musical in the bigger theater houses in the city, my heart beats faster, my eyes get wider and that feeling that made me run away to theater school comes back. I'm using my degree but not in acting - and none of the theater I do involves singing. I know to a lot of people musicals are all cheese and I'll give them that.. but there's something exciting about using your voice for that art and creating synergy with well-written music.

RENT is one of those musicals that's big for me. When I first heard about it, it was different and young, very New York and brassy - and I met one of my first boyfriends here while we waited in the cattle call line to audition for the touring production so many years ago now. I had an awful cold and no voice at all, but wasn't about to miss the audition. It was my first experience of more waiting than auditioning, but I did it anyway. There were 600 of us. Only one girl was cast from the call.

I saw that touring production when it came back thru and was blown away by how much more fulfilling the show was live than just on the recording. Of course, none of the cast was from the original Broadway show, but they were incredible nonetheless. And tho, still kind of cheesy in moments, it pulled you in despite that and I left not only feeling moved, but admiring the cast who worked to get where they were.

Tonight I saw it for the second time and felt the exact same way. The two original Broadway leads who played Mark and Roger, Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp, were included in the cast this time. It was the closing show for the week's run here and we'd been given special 'house seats' by a friend who had connections to the tour - so we had third row balcony, pretty close to center, and Paramount Club access where there were complimentary appetizers and a private bar. The seats were fantastic and the extras added a little kick to our night.

When the show started, the leads brought my own personal soundtrack to life with their familiar voices I'd heard a kajillion times. It was pretty amazing to see them live and on stage in the flesh. The entire cast was great - especially my namesake, Angel, who always manages to steal the show for the most part. We laughed and cried.. MJ more than me this time.. and the entire audience immediately erupted into a standing ovation of cheers the moment it was over.

It reminded me why I wanted to get into theater. It made me want to pick up roots and run away to New York where musical theater lives, breathes and pays rent.. no pun intended. Seattle is more straight theater and I'm not sure it pushes me enough. It's a solid little area for sure, but maybe I'm feeling too comfortable. I don't know.. is it me that's too complacent or my environment? Maybe a combination of both. Or maybe I'm laying blame on the outside forces when I haven't done the work.. I haven't put in time to find voice lessons, work on audition pieces and find the auditions. I got so caught up in being behind the scenes because I was intimidated. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be so I wanted to back up and watch others do it for a while, take in those experiences and learn. Maybe I have tho.. maybe after my break from the world of drama that I've had on and off stage, I'll come back with some renewed energy, a healed heart would be nice too.. and a new focus within the passion that started me in this direction in the first place.

The show has a few themes but the overwhelming one is that of love.. and to live in the moment. Live like it's your last. Sounds like an Oprah affirmation for sure.. but honestly, who cares? If you allow it in, it's inspiring.. and I haven't felt inspired for a while. I'm just getting by because things have been so painful.. and the daily hurt is still there, to a lesser degree certainly, but it's there. I'm learning to move past it - most days are ok and some days still kind of overwhelmingly suck and I feel claustrophobic and inconsolable. I'm still in love with him for now. I will probably always love him. But I chose him for almost a year and gave that relationship everything I had. It hasn't been terribly long, but it's still time I chose myself, put my energy back into my own life and stopped looking back to see if he's noticed.. because, let's be honest.. he hasn't. And I'm not doing it for him or his reaction anyway.. I'm doing it for myself. Seasons of love indeed..

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today