Quarterly Check In

I don't know if there's ever been a time since I started this blog where I missed writing during any given month. And there was even a major, albeit annoying, holiday in February too that I completely ignored and didn't get to mock. Wasted opportunity there. But I did get to notice myself actually trying to meet the objectives I set for this year and so far I've seen some progress. Like.. yay! Let's share the progress, shall we?

Being on time: Ok.. so um.. I said I noticed improvement. Never promised perfection. So yeah, I'm late less of the time now. And there have been ENTIRE PLANS where I WAS EARLY! Er.. maybe right on time. I dunno. Either way I arrived FIRST! And that's all that mattered in order to make it count. I'm doing my best to be more consistent and can safely say.. uh.. yes.. ok.. I'm still working on this one. So uh.. moving on..

Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative: As part of improving my own communication, I'm better about not interrupting and that was already something I was addressing. But now I have a better understanding of the roles I was taking on and the efforts I'm putting into relationships - both personal and professional. When you know you need to collaborate where you previously had maybe no idea - then yeah, that's a big part of changing your perspective. But I discussed where I was needed at the theater where I'd been a company member for the last year, but by the time that finally happened, I'd volunteered for another where I knew I'd be immediately necessary. It's not a competition, but you can't collaborate better if you have nothing to collaborate on. Communication from others up the chain wasn't happening, which was disappointing among other things, and I was actually really proud of how I handled that. Every time I started to take it personally I found many reasons it wasn't and finally just found another opportunity for myself, which refocused direction so I couldn't beat myself up anymore. And then, right at the moment I accepted the space the company had left between them and me (read: I left town for just four days), I was suddenly Obi Wan and the only freakin hope flooded with requests to help, meet, provide contacts, etc. AND, even while frustrated by that, I found constructive and positive words to air said frustrations and then voilà! I actually managed to let them go and moved forward. Yay me!

Choose better words: In conjunction with the idea of cooperation and collaboration, it's heightened my awareness of how I come across when conveying oh.. ALL my thoughts at any given time. More than just something you do for tact or kindness, it's a skill to hone. It's seems elementary, but just keeping things factual helps, taking the me out of it, the emotion - and it doesn't prevent me being me so I can still be honest and direct, but just in a better way.

Speak less: This did not seem possible and yet there are WHOLE MOMENTS it DOES HAPPEN! I know, right? Crazy! It's amazing when I stop trying to put myself in a place of authority - where I feel the pressure to make things happen and be the one who does everything and therefore controls it as well - that I listen a lot more, let others drive whatever force is working in the room, and I learn a lot more that way. Observing is fun! Of course I pipe up where I think I should and thus I'm listened to more because I'm choosing those moments better. Interesting how that works, eh? No, the irony is not lost on me, Alannis.. thank you.

Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister: I think Mom and I have finally moved past some of the most recent tension we felt during the holidays. She knew I was down and feeling all loser-like and tho it was tough for her to really understand exactly what I was going thru, she's come thru for me every time I needed her. And in return, I think I realized she simply wants me to make the effort to reach out to her once in a while. A call once a week basically to check in - to know I'm alive - even if nothing is going on. She's asking that her presence, even a state away, matters enough to me that I think of her on a Sunday afternoon and pick up my phone to find out how she is.. I don't know why that was so hard to see. It's hardly unreasonable that you call your own mother especially when it takes so little time and makes all the difference to her. I still have to get more consistent with my own brother and grandmother, but in my defense, my brother never calls me either and usually my mom and grandmother are together.. so two birds there.

Find my bliss: Sigh - this is still undetermined. I'm trying harder to see where I was forcing the square peg into the round hole tho. The theater was not making me happy and I simply found elsewhere to focus, a short trip to take, and my air became clearer because I let go. I care too fucking much sometimes - to my own detriment. It doesn't have to be as hard as I continue to make it.

I visited two college girlfriends in LA and was reminded how much they shaped who I was back then and fondly remembered good times over lots of wine, good food, and even a comedy show at Largo on Valentine's Day that was probably one of the best Valentine's ever. Good friends, laughter so hard you aren't making any sound, and just being myself and not trying too hard to please anyone. It certainly didn't feel like 16 + years has passed (Christ I'm old!) - other than one has a 5-year-old daughter and 10-year marriage, but they both looked exactly the same and were the lovely people I remembered adoring in school. It took no time at all to catch up to where life was taking us now and I didn't want to leave.

LA is a lot different than Seattle tho.. and obviously, overwhelmingly bigger. Seattle is the largest city I've ever lived in and calling it large or even a city sometimes when you've been here 16 years is almost a laugh. After about two or three years you start running into people you know from Trader Joe's or work or the gym at the markets, plays, or karaoke. I've definitely run into people from here at Burning Man in Nevada (tho Seattle is the second largest contingent next to San Francisco there) and I half expected to run into someone I knew in Barcelona when I went two years ago (I didn't). Seattle is that small. But I have to say - I kind of loved Hollywood. I can't afford it.. yet.. but I liked it. Not sure if said bliss is there, but honestly - the weather is. I like the rain as much as anyone.. but goddamn, we get way more than our fair share here and I'm from Oregon where we say we don't tan, we rust. And when it rains in LA? It really rains - but it's close to 60 degrees. In February. Yeah. I can deal with that.

I'm going to skip the part where the earth moves a lot more down there especially since we all felt the biggest one from Portland, OR to Vancouver, BC 10 years ago that any of us have felt in our lifetime in the Northwest. Yeah, that part is scary - doubly so in light of the tragedy in Japan - but it's just an idea right now. Who knows..

I'm enjoying this year so far - tho I have been sicker than I ever have been in years - currently already on my second uber-awful cold in three months (seriously why does it have to be sleeping without breathing thru my nose OR the magic of pseudoephedrine and clear sinuses but no sleep?!), but hanging out with children will do that to you. Otherwise, I see how I've created my own drama in the past and I'm distancing myself from that behavior. I smile more. I'm more accountable - but have less to be accountable for when I'm aware of my own involvement and choice of words and how both affect others. I don't worry about my solitude so much - and tho at the end of January I stopped seeing the person I met at New Year's, someone new appeared recently without fanfare or any desperation on my part and so far, it's just nice and slow.

I've found I really enjoy my alone time - and I have a lot of it - but I've done my share of trying not to care if the men stick around or not and I'm bored with that non-committal shit. I'm not asking for rings or picket fences. Simply if I'm going to make room in the spare time I have for them (and when I'm doing theater, it's not much), they need to see the value in that by being a good person and showing they're interested in me and making an effort. I'm done with anything less (famous last words.. right?).

So ok - this is lengthy, but it has been a while. In summary: We've learned some things. Hug your mother. Hug your friends and neighbors while you're at it. Donate to the aid for Japan already because - Jesus - there are no words for what's happened and is still happening to them. Breaks. My. Heart. I send my love to them. To you. Sweet dreams kittens..