Hello Stranger Part 1

At last! It's late here but I've been trying to find time to write for a while and have clearly failed. Two months have obviously gone by and a zillion things have happened which may have garnered their own post had I been more diligent with this outlet.. but sometimes you just have to live life and stop writing everything down. Maybe in retrospect it then isn't as memorable, but it's still energy well-spent. Let's hope anyway..

So the easy stuff first. Men. Am I right? Kidding. Geez.. tough audience.

Yes, they've come and gone quickly lately - only a few weeks here and there to the point one girlfriend said she wasn't even going to try to remember their names anymore til one stuck around for a while. I told her I was doing the same thing. Single girl in the city. I'm not apologizing. And tho I let a couple linger for a bit while trying to figure out what their intentions were, I made mine known. No more of the bullshit. No more of maybe he'll figure out what he wants eventually and maybe it'll be me. No more of a week goes by with no communication because they're trying to play the game or not give away too much. Once you're clearly spending the majority of your free time with someone and they're the only one you're seeing, to me you either have to spend the effort to be in it or you don't because it's not working and you're out. Doesn't mean it has to be labeled, but it does have to be exclusive and I do have to be a priority. I make room in my life for the person I'm spending time with. Not 100% - that's just being co-dependent and there's individuality still and people have passions and other directions to pursue, but I expect the same courtesy. In or out man.. fish or cut bait. And if they can't figure it out, I do it for them. I did it twice in as many months (I did mention I had a reason for not writing, right?). And no I wasn't as badass as I'm sounding here.. obviously. I'm still a sweet girl my dear four readers.. I'm just saying I'm not taking anything less than what I deserve anymore. Fun is great, don't get me wrong. But fun doesn't get me someone to brush my teeth with at night or take to company parties or cry my eyes out over stupid story lines on Grey's Anatomy or meet my bio family.. you know? It might work out that way for others, but it ain't working for me to give away the milk anymore.. if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do.

There are a couple of dark horses in the current race (Race for.. what? Yeah, I don't know either.. just humor me.) at the moment. One I've known for some years now and there's a bit at stake because we've recently established a decent friendship while working together in shows so if something negative happens, we'll still run in the same fringe theater circles and that's never not awkward. But he's a great actor, a good friend, a good guy overall who everyone I know in the industry likes. He smokes, which I can't stand, but he also knows that so he doesn't do it around me unless we're in a show and he's outside with the other smokers. And, being from the south, he definitely has the qualities of a gentleman - as in manners - and is awfully sweet. So we'll call him Rhett - as in Butler - tho I could use his real name because it sounds just as movie-like, but I do what I can to barely protect the innocent.

I think he's just as nervous as I am about the situation, which is us dating, because it's new just in the last couple of weeks. We both know the moment we show any small public display of affection towards the other in a fringe theater type place, all our friends and associates will be tittering. Tittering quietly, but tittering nonetheless. And this could happen as soon as oh.. tonight at a mutual friend's birthday after a big theater cabaret type thing and since we barely know what this is yet AND it's not exclusive because no, we haven't had THE talk yet because we aren't there, yeah.. it's just a matter of trying to keep the pressure off both of us. I mean, I like him and I certainly don't want to hurt him or get hurt, so it's good, but we're being cautious.

The story behind the other guy is just bizarre. You'll agree with me in a minute. We'll call this one 007 because he's very private, but is certainly a charmer without being sleazy and he travels, likes to live well, and jet-sets from coast to coast often. Yeah.. I was jealous too.

I was at one of my favorite speakeasies on the hill and when you sit at the bar, you tend to talk to the other customers. He was one of them, we were both with other people but I kept thinking he looked familiar and didn't know why. We traded names across the bar over jokes, but that was that and they left. A month or so later, I ran into him at another bar in another neighborhood while out with my friend, Tallulah. I thought he was oddly attentive. She thought he was gay. And as she was dead set on it, I was inclined to believe her. When he said we should meet for drinks after hanging out with us for a bit, I was super casual about it because in my mind he didn't play for my team so it was: Of course! Yes! Let's hang out! Awesome! And we traded contact info.

Some time passed and we'd hit each other up here and there to hang but it wasn't working out. Finally he asked me to set aside time two weeks in advance and something told me to say sure, why not and just add him to my calendar. Two more weeks go by and we're finally in the same place on purpose together, have a great time, and he starts asking semi-datey questions which I thought odd for a gay man. Do I want kids, why am I single, I seem to have a lot going for me, etc.. and I was honest about the men in this city being non-commital, unsure of their own direction let alone what they want, and how they're really good at wasting someone's time. I'm over letting my time be wasted.. I want to feel valued. I asked him the same question this time poking if he'd give a tell-tale sign of his sexuality away because damn I was confused. And he finally gave up he'd been seeing 'someone' in New York for the last three years. Ouch. Clearly it wasn't serious, but it was something to continue this long for that kind of distance. And finally he said SHE was great, but.. blahblahblah (I didn't really pay attention to be honest - I was just relieved to finally get my answer from that cryptic conversation.). And then he said he was having a great time (another clear sign UH.. THIS IS A REAL DATE, CRAP I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!) and we should continue on somewhere else. So we did.

He drove, more drinks, easy conversation even tho now I realize this is a real date FOR REALZ and I'm wishing I could take a few things I said back and we get to my car and we have this conversation:

Me: Slightly coy, So this was a date, right?

007: Well sure, I mean, I thought it was, but it can be whatever..

Me: Right, but my friend Tallulah was certain you were gay and up til about an hour ago, I was inclined to believe her. Waiting for reaction..

007: Pause, smiles, nods. Well, I'm not gay nor am I bi. I do get that a lot but I'm straight. And actually.. I have a confession to make.

Me: Perplexed curiosity wondering all variables of possibilities of what he might tell me next.

007: We've already met.. before that first bar some months ago. Paused for effect. We've actually already dated. (Wait for it..) And we've already slept together. (Are you pausing?!! Because let me tell you.. I was..)

Me: Speechless - which, as we all know, is hard to accomplish. Hats off to the man. Uh.. um.. smatter of other non-words here.. Wow. I'm a jackass. Seriously.. still isn't ringing any bells.

He goes on to tell me other details of our last date: where he lived, what he did for a living, how we met, which finally brought it back to me but I'm telling you as he was saying it, I couldn't believe this person in front of me was the same person. In my memory they look slightly different, the person in my past was taller, much more intense (Shut up. That's part of someone's look, right? Pfft. You don't know.). This guy was calm, grounded, not trying so hard. But honestly it was really only maybe three or four dates (Yes, I know.. we already talked about the milk and how I'm a tart for giving it away for free.. thanks Mom..) and when we worked out the timeframe, it was at least eight or nine years ago. I'm sorry but I'm going to forget someone's name by then if I'm no longer seeing them. I'll give you that I'm still a complete asshat for forgetting him ENTIRELY - even seeing him again recently THREE TIMES. Hello gingko biloba deficiency! Christ.. I'm awesome.

ANYWAY.. he kissed me, it was nice, I'll take more please. Yeah, he's uber metro, but there's something about him and he talked about HAVING BABIES WITH ME. Not that we would, he said.. but they'd be fucking adorable. HIS WORDS. People! WTF?! I mean, haven't you ever wanted your gay boyfriend to sometimes BE your boyfriend because they were that awesome? I dunno.. I know I sound all kinds of wrong right now.. but please, YOU be single here and see where it gets you (Probably married to a Google/Amazon/Microsoft exec or a hot Mariner/Sounder (Mmm.. soccer players..)). You can't make this shit up. No no, you can not.

So don't be jealous of the madcappery that is my dating life.. I wish I was kidding when I say I've dated probably half this city. I run into them at inopportune moments when they happen to be the new bartender making the drink I just ordered (awkward) or the guy on the street who caught my eye and we both invisibly nodded and didn't acknowledge each other verbally. I don't go from boyfriend to boyfriend so more often than not, I'm single. As it stands now, it's kind of enjoyable when there are options but annoying and lonely when there aren't. And the cat has no opinion either way as long as I don't bring someone home upon whose lap, back or stomach she isn't allowed to lounge. She loves love.. just like her mama..

So lovelies, as this is just part one of catching up, I promise not to be such a stranger anymore. The sun is out, the gym calls and I wish you all a sexy and love-filled weekend.. mwah!