If It's Too Good To Be True..

I don't believe in lying. Not saying I haven't done it for whatever reason, but I don't believe in doing it within the relationships I choose to cultivate among friends and lovers (I can't say I've never lied to family.. I mean, there are just some things you don't tell your mother.). But I've known my share of charming liars and each time I'm still surprised by how blindsided I feel when the truth is exposed.

So you know it had to happen.. but falling under the spell of chemistry, similar tastes, and easy conversation is still pretty cliché. I'm old enough to know better and I really am able to see a smooth talker for who he is right away, but sometimes, I'll admit, they get me. When all their attention is focused on me, when the right words fall out of their mouths so easily it seems genuine - all those particular things I want to hear - I give them the benefit of the doubt [read: even I'm a sucker once in a while.].

When you begin dating someone new, it's not required to provide your entire life past and present or any skeletons for that matter, but after the unusual first non-date date with 007 a few weeks ago, I'd found out we weren't exactly strangers anyway. The conversation we had that night laid out clearly, by accident, what I wanted from a relationship - nothing casual (meaning once you realize the person is solid and you're sure you want to see more of them), no bullshit, and they should have a good idea of what they want as well so the wishy-washy 'fish or cut bait' point I keep experiencing about three weeks in is prevented. I deserve to be treated as a priority if I make someone one of mine. He asked questions why I was still single and if I wanted kids tho he was a bit tight-lipped about his own background and his dating life, but he did say he was seeing someone in New York. It just seemed like she was more an east coast distraction when he traveled that direction tho the fact it'd been going on for the last three years did catch me off guard. Still, I didn't think much of it.

After he returned from his latest trip, we met up at a wine bar on the hill, lingered over a couple of glasses of wine a piece for an easy couple of hours and it felt like the night was just beginning. I knew he'd suggest we head somewhere else and I wasn't wrong. A couple more drinks in, we're a bit cozier in the upstairs of another bar. Keep in mind, this town is surprisingly small and I recognized one of the new bartenders the last time I was there as someone I dated briefly last year (We've already discussed how I've dated half this city, right? And if not, well.. I have.). I mentioned to 007 about how awkward it's been when I've frequented the bar because this particular guy pretends I'm a stranger and I like that bar so I'm not going to avoid it. That's stupid. But, suddenly, on that note, 007 starts talking about how I deserve to get what I want, he knows I want something longterm and it's so not a clear tangent that I know he's trying to say something, but isn't getting to the point. We talk about expectations, I said I didn't have any at this time, I knew about the other person in New York and for the time being, that was fine. But he paused noticeably and then as if knowing this is where he needed to rip off the bandaid, we had the following conversation:

007: Well, she was in New York at the time. I mean she's here and there..

Me: Here? What do you mean here?

007: Basically.. she lives with me..

Me: Wait, we aren't seeing each other..?

007: No. We aren't.

Me: Uh.. what?

007: I realize I may have misled you, but I wasn't sure what to say.

Me: Misled?

007: Yes and given you the wrong impression.

Me: Wrong impression? You told me it was a date when I asked what that whole first evening had been.

007: Well, I don't think I said that exactly.

Me: Yes, it was. Exactly. I can tell you what you said because I remember asking you, ‛Is this a date,' and YOU said, ‛Yes, well, it can be, or be whatever we want it to be,' which told me, yes it was. And then you kissed me. A lot. Confirming that exact thing.

007: Ok.. yeah.. well, I was pretty drunk actually.

Me: No no. Uh-uh. You don't get to say that....... Wait so.. this person.. is not someone casual. This person is essentially your girlfriend? 

007: .. Uh.. yes..

Me: And this person thinks you are where exactly and with whom?

007: Out. With a friend.

Me: You are fucking kidding me right now. 

007: It's no big deal...

Me: Um yeah. It is. Don't kid yourself. I'm a bit in shock so my face may not show it, but I'm really upset with you right now and debating whether or not to throw my drink in your face.

(Not that I was bluffing. This close - I swear to freakin God, but instant scene had I done it. Would've been so worth it, but I opted not to. I'm a classy chic.)

007: Oh dear God don't do that! I'm really very sorry.

Said as he moved my drink well out of reach.

Me:  Yeah. You should be.

007: I really respect you so much.

Me: You should really stop talking. You don't or you would've told me this BEFORE tonight. Not in a public place making me want to kick you in the knee AND throw my drink in your face.

007: Ok let's not get dramatic.. How well would that have gone had I done that?

Me: Uh.. better than now.

007: Really?

Me: Are you kidding? I thought you were gay! And then you kissed me and you PURSUED me. Did you not?

007: Right. I did. Yes..

Me: You asked to see me two other times this week before tonight. You knew where I was coming from.. YOU SAID WE SHOULD HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. Christ!

007: Ok - well.. I was kidding about the babies -

Me: Duh - but you don't fucking mention that to someone you aren't interested in. And you certainly first mention your GIRLFRIEND - who you've pretended is invisible. Not only did you lead me on, but you didn't even acknowledge the relationship you have exists. That's just shitty.

007: You're right. I completely understand. I'm so so sorry.

Me: Yeah. I heard you. I don't care. I'm not letting you off the hook. You knew exactly what you were doing.

007: You're right. I did. I made a mistake. You have to understand.. I just enjoy you so much. We're practically the same person..

Me: Yeah. I know, but this relationship you're in - it's monogamous, correct?

007: Yes..

Me: Then that's it. I'm done.

I get up and walk out. 

007: Then I'm coming with you.

Me: I don't give a fuck.

I've never walked out on someone or talked like that to anyone other than in my imagination. I've never had the opportunity to tell a cheating liar this is in fact what he is and that everything that comes out of his mouth only emphasizes this point. I'm actually really proud of how I handled myself and that I said absolutely everything I wanted to in the way I wanted to and with as much angry force as I was feeling.

Just before the whole confession, he'd brought up that he hadn't even dated much in the last three years. When I asked him why he said his attention was focused on his house, career and traveling - neglecting the fact that he hadn't dated BECAUSE HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND! THE WHOLE TIME!

To say I was pissed was an understatement. I was hurt over being fooled so easily and letting someone from my past carry more weight than a new person when essentially, after eight plus years, he was a new person. He hadn't earned anything anymore than anyone else I'd gone out with twice before. But he fucked up and despite his hope it might blow over right there and we'd have a good laugh, like - are you fucking crazy to have that kind of audacity (The answer there is yes. Yes he is.)?! - there was no going back to any possibility of being friends or acting cool about the situation. Classic case of a man wanting his cake.. etc. Transparent as all get out. Well, now anyway.

It was a warm Thursday night about 10:30pm and lots of people were out. He followed me to the corner of a busy intersection where we had a few more words (Nope - not embarrassing AT ALL.). He apologized more and asked if he could drive me home. I laughed and said, ‛Fuck no. You're a liar.' He looked like I'd slapped him, but I'm assuming he'd either never been caught before or had smoothed it over the times he had. I started to get emotional and said a few more things that really didn't amount to the proper send off I would've liked.. but I walked away leaving him just standing there and that felt pretty good even tho I still felt played.

A week later, he called. Yeah, I know. I was as shocked as you, but I had a feeling he'd try so I made a point to remember his number even tho I'd deleted it. He left a really breezy message:

007: Hey - just checking in and seeing if you're still pissed at me. Was just driving home and thinking about you. Really looking forward to catching up and talking with you soon.. k? Hope you're having a good week! Bye!

You have to hand it to him. The man clearly found the Get Your Audacity Here store and stocked up in bulk. I started to text him something to that effect and then decided, you know what? He wants to talk.. let's fucking talk and see what he has to say for himself. So we talked.. for about an hour. He was relieved I called him back until I pushed for answers - but I'll give him a few props that he gave me some.

It wasn't a shocker - again, it was pretty transparent to me what was going on and he copped to it, or rather, I laid out the situation I thought was going on and he said I was right. He's not happy in his current relationship, but it's complicated - whatever that means - so he hasn't had the balls to make changes with that. I came into the picture, sparked an attraction, a happy memory and he wanted to see what happened with that - not planning on deceiving anyone, but letting it happen regardless and digging a big hole for himself. And in all the talk of wanting me around, he never once mentioned wanting to be friends, which I also brought up. So he tried to say that's what he wanted but when he literally couldn't say it - could not get out the word 'friends' after saying, ‛Well, of course.. I'd like us to be.. um,' it was simply laughable because I had to say it. ‛Friends. It's a simple word. Just say it.' And he did.. finally, but I called him out telling him it was difficult for him to say because that's not what he wanted - and when he let that absorb, he admitted I was right.

I asked him if the situation were reversed.. or if he were me.. if he would be friends with him. He paused.. stammered.. and then said, ‛No.. you're right. I wouldn't. That's not behavior in someone I could trust.' Good boy. Here's a biscuit.

It was interesting suddenly having all the power. He didn't really know what he wanted from me had I answered to begin with. He didn't know much of anything. I told him I wasn't mad anymore. I was over it, but if my friends knew I let him back in my life, they'd all think I was stupid. And because I'd been drawn to him, letting him in would mean taking a risk that at some point, hanging out, probably over drinks would weaken my resolve and I'd find myself in a moment with him where knowingly, I'd be part of the deceiving - and I won't do that to myself or the girlfriend I now know about.

I have to admit, I'm not sure what I'd do with him either. I didn't want to be friends. I would've taken it had it started out that way to begin with, but it didn't and I'm not able to transition back to that really. Not when the whole thing began with lies right out of the gate. So I said I wouldn't put his number back in my phone at this time. But if he figures out his situation in the future, he was welcome to call.. when he had something to say. He agreed that was a good idea. He thanked me for my time and for listening to him.. and that was finally that.

So one of my dark horses turned out to be a jackass - not surprising knowing my luck with waging a bet - and the other withdrew from the race altogether because he could tell I was distracted. He's probably right and we may just be better at being friends. But this race for my affections is kind of stupid and I never meant for it to be any sort of competition or to look like I was leaving my options open even if one of my options was certainly a frog. The other may be a perfect prince, but it's not that easy to figure out and some princes are meant for other girls in other stories. Right now, I should stop with the poor analogies.

Don't cry for me Argentina. There are changes coming and they're not all bumpy. I didn't get the ‛real' job I was hoping for so back to the grinding board with that, but there are big transitions I'm making in my theater world and I'm finally excited again. I'm going to be the Asst. Stage Manager and board op for the upcoming 14/48, which is a super fun and super short theater festival over the course of 48 hours for two weekends (See the link above). It's a great opportunity to be involved in this tiny but massive show they do a few times a year and everyone who is anyone in our fringe community plays a part.

There's one more major shift I'll be making this week - but you need some backstory on that before I can talk about it. Just know it's all positive, even if I have a bit of anxiety about initiating it, but once I do, some huge negatives will be released and there's only happiness in moving forward.

I can see a light that's getting closer. I haven't reached it yet because I think the Universe is trying to remind me nothing is more consistent than change and I shouldn't get too comfortable.