If It's Too Good To Be True..

I don't believe in lying. Not saying I haven't done it for whatever reason, but I don't believe in doing it within the relationships I choose to cultivate among friends and lovers (I can't say I've never lied to family.. I mean, there are just some things you don't tell your mother.). But I've known my share of charming liars and each time I'm still surprised by how blindsided I feel when the truth is exposed.

So you know it had to happen.. but falling under the spell of chemistry, similar tastes, and easy conversation is still pretty cliché. I'm old enough to know better and I really am able to see a smooth talker for who he is right away, but sometimes, I'll admit, they get me. When all their attention is focused on me, when the right words fall out of their mouths so easily it seems genuine - all those particular things I want to hear - I give them the benefit of the doubt [read: even I'm a sucker once in a while.].

When you begin dating someone new, it's not required to provide your entire life past and present or any skeletons for that matter, but after the unusual first non-date date with 007 a few weeks ago, I'd found out we weren't exactly strangers anyway. The conversation we had that night laid out clearly, by accident, what I wanted from a relationship - nothing casual (meaning once you realize the person is solid and you're sure you want to see more of them), no bullshit, and they should have a good idea of what they want as well so the wishy-washy 'fish or cut bait' point I keep experiencing about three weeks in is prevented. I deserve to be treated as a priority if I make someone one of mine. He asked questions why I was still single and if I wanted kids tho he was a bit tight-lipped about his own background and his dating life, but he did say he was seeing someone in New York. It just seemed like she was more an east coast distraction when he traveled that direction tho the fact it'd been going on for the last three years did catch me off guard. Still, I didn't think much of it.

After he returned from his latest trip, we met up at a wine bar on the hill, lingered over a couple of glasses of wine a piece for an easy couple of hours and it felt like the night was just beginning. I knew he'd suggest we head somewhere else and I wasn't wrong. A couple more drinks in, we're a bit cozier in the upstairs of another bar. Keep in mind, this town is surprisingly small and I recognized one of the new bartenders the last time I was there as someone I dated briefly last year (We've already discussed how I've dated half this city, right? And if not, well.. I have.). I mentioned to 007 about how awkward it's been when I've frequented the bar because this particular guy pretends I'm a stranger and I like that bar so I'm not going to avoid it. That's stupid. But, suddenly, on that note, 007 starts talking about how I deserve to get what I want, he knows I want something longterm and it's so not a clear tangent that I know he's trying to say something, but isn't getting to the point. We talk about expectations, I said I didn't have any at this time, I knew about the other person in New York and for the time being, that was fine. But he paused noticeably and then as if knowing this is where he needed to rip off the bandaid, we had the following conversation:

007: Well, she was in New York at the time. I mean she's here and there..

Me: Here? What do you mean here?

007: Basically.. she lives with me..

Me: Wait, we aren't seeing each other..?

007: No. We aren't.

Me: Uh.. what?

007: I realize I may have misled you, but I wasn't sure what to say.

Me: Misled?

007: Yes and given you the wrong impression.

Me: Wrong impression? You told me it was a date when I asked what that whole first evening had been.

007: Well, I don't think I said that exactly.

Me: Yes, it was. Exactly. I can tell you what you said because I remember asking you, ‛Is this a date,' and YOU said, ‛Yes, well, it can be, or be whatever we want it to be,' which told me, yes it was. And then you kissed me. A lot. Confirming that exact thing.

007: Ok.. yeah.. well, I was pretty drunk actually.

Me: No no. Uh-uh. You don't get to say that....... Wait so.. this person.. is not someone casual. This person is essentially your girlfriend? 

007: .. Uh.. yes..

Me: And this person thinks you are where exactly and with whom?

007: Out. With a friend.

Me: You are fucking kidding me right now. 

007: It's no big deal...

Me: Um yeah. It is. Don't kid yourself. I'm a bit in shock so my face may not show it, but I'm really upset with you right now and debating whether or not to throw my drink in your face.

(Not that I was bluffing. This close - I swear to freakin God, but instant scene had I done it. Would've been so worth it, but I opted not to. I'm a classy chic.)

007: Oh dear God don't do that! I'm really very sorry.

Said as he moved my drink well out of reach.

Me:  Yeah. You should be.

007: I really respect you so much.

Me: You should really stop talking. You don't or you would've told me this BEFORE tonight. Not in a public place making me want to kick you in the knee AND throw my drink in your face.

007: Ok let's not get dramatic.. How well would that have gone had I done that?

Me: Uh.. better than now.

007: Really?

Me: Are you kidding? I thought you were gay! And then you kissed me and you PURSUED me. Did you not?

007: Right. I did. Yes..

Me: You asked to see me two other times this week before tonight. You knew where I was coming from.. YOU SAID WE SHOULD HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. Christ!

007: Ok - well.. I was kidding about the babies -

Me: Duh - but you don't fucking mention that to someone you aren't interested in. And you certainly first mention your GIRLFRIEND - who you've pretended is invisible. Not only did you lead me on, but you didn't even acknowledge the relationship you have exists. That's just shitty.

007: You're right. I completely understand. I'm so so sorry.

Me: Yeah. I heard you. I don't care. I'm not letting you off the hook. You knew exactly what you were doing.

007: You're right. I did. I made a mistake. You have to understand.. I just enjoy you so much. We're practically the same person..

Me: Yeah. I know, but this relationship you're in - it's monogamous, correct?

007: Yes..

Me: Then that's it. I'm done.

I get up and walk out. 

007: Then I'm coming with you.

Me: I don't give a fuck.

I've never walked out on someone or talked like that to anyone other than in my imagination. I've never had the opportunity to tell a cheating liar this is in fact what he is and that everything that comes out of his mouth only emphasizes this point. I'm actually really proud of how I handled myself and that I said absolutely everything I wanted to in the way I wanted to and with as much angry force as I was feeling.

Just before the whole confession, he'd brought up that he hadn't even dated much in the last three years. When I asked him why he said his attention was focused on his house, career and traveling - neglecting the fact that he hadn't dated BECAUSE HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND! THE WHOLE TIME!

To say I was pissed was an understatement. I was hurt over being fooled so easily and letting someone from my past carry more weight than a new person when essentially, after eight plus years, he was a new person. He hadn't earned anything anymore than anyone else I'd gone out with twice before. But he fucked up and despite his hope it might blow over right there and we'd have a good laugh, like - are you fucking crazy to have that kind of audacity (The answer there is yes. Yes he is.)?! - there was no going back to any possibility of being friends or acting cool about the situation. Classic case of a man wanting his cake.. etc. Transparent as all get out. Well, now anyway.

It was a warm Thursday night about 10:30pm and lots of people were out. He followed me to the corner of a busy intersection where we had a few more words (Nope - not embarrassing AT ALL.). He apologized more and asked if he could drive me home. I laughed and said, ‛Fuck no. You're a liar.' He looked like I'd slapped him, but I'm assuming he'd either never been caught before or had smoothed it over the times he had. I started to get emotional and said a few more things that really didn't amount to the proper send off I would've liked.. but I walked away leaving him just standing there and that felt pretty good even tho I still felt played.

A week later, he called. Yeah, I know. I was as shocked as you, but I had a feeling he'd try so I made a point to remember his number even tho I'd deleted it. He left a really breezy message:

007: Hey - just checking in and seeing if you're still pissed at me. Was just driving home and thinking about you. Really looking forward to catching up and talking with you soon.. k? Hope you're having a good week! Bye!

You have to hand it to him. The man clearly found the Get Your Audacity Here store and stocked up in bulk. I started to text him something to that effect and then decided, you know what? He wants to talk.. let's fucking talk and see what he has to say for himself. So we talked.. for about an hour. He was relieved I called him back until I pushed for answers - but I'll give him a few props that he gave me some.

It wasn't a shocker - again, it was pretty transparent to me what was going on and he copped to it, or rather, I laid out the situation I thought was going on and he said I was right. He's not happy in his current relationship, but it's complicated - whatever that means - so he hasn't had the balls to make changes with that. I came into the picture, sparked an attraction, a happy memory and he wanted to see what happened with that - not planning on deceiving anyone, but letting it happen regardless and digging a big hole for himself. And in all the talk of wanting me around, he never once mentioned wanting to be friends, which I also brought up. So he tried to say that's what he wanted but when he literally couldn't say it - could not get out the word 'friends' after saying, ‛Well, of course.. I'd like us to be.. um,' it was simply laughable because I had to say it. ‛Friends. It's a simple word. Just say it.' And he did.. finally, but I called him out telling him it was difficult for him to say because that's not what he wanted - and when he let that absorb, he admitted I was right.

I asked him if the situation were reversed.. or if he were me.. if he would be friends with him. He paused.. stammered.. and then said, ‛No.. you're right. I wouldn't. That's not behavior in someone I could trust.' Good boy. Here's a biscuit.

It was interesting suddenly having all the power. He didn't really know what he wanted from me had I answered to begin with. He didn't know much of anything. I told him I wasn't mad anymore. I was over it, but if my friends knew I let him back in my life, they'd all think I was stupid. And because I'd been drawn to him, letting him in would mean taking a risk that at some point, hanging out, probably over drinks would weaken my resolve and I'd find myself in a moment with him where knowingly, I'd be part of the deceiving - and I won't do that to myself or the girlfriend I now know about.

I have to admit, I'm not sure what I'd do with him either. I didn't want to be friends. I would've taken it had it started out that way to begin with, but it didn't and I'm not able to transition back to that really. Not when the whole thing began with lies right out of the gate. So I said I wouldn't put his number back in my phone at this time. But if he figures out his situation in the future, he was welcome to call.. when he had something to say. He agreed that was a good idea. He thanked me for my time and for listening to him.. and that was finally that.

So one of my dark horses turned out to be a jackass - not surprising knowing my luck with waging a bet - and the other withdrew from the race altogether because he could tell I was distracted. He's probably right and we may just be better at being friends. But this race for my affections is kind of stupid and I never meant for it to be any sort of competition or to look like I was leaving my options open even if one of my options was certainly a frog. The other may be a perfect prince, but it's not that easy to figure out and some princes are meant for other girls in other stories. Right now, I should stop with the poor analogies.

Don't cry for me Argentina. There are changes coming and they're not all bumpy. I didn't get the ‛real' job I was hoping for so back to the grinding board with that, but there are big transitions I'm making in my theater world and I'm finally excited again. I'm going to be the Asst. Stage Manager and board op for the upcoming 14/48, which is a super fun and super short theater festival over the course of 48 hours for two weekends (See the link above). It's a great opportunity to be involved in this tiny but massive show they do a few times a year and everyone who is anyone in our fringe community plays a part.

There's one more major shift I'll be making this week - but you need some backstory on that before I can talk about it. Just know it's all positive, even if I have a bit of anxiety about initiating it, but once I do, some huge negatives will be released and there's only happiness in moving forward.

I can see a light that's getting closer. I haven't reached it yet because I think the Universe is trying to remind me nothing is more consistent than change and I shouldn't get too comfortable.

#1 Dad

I try not to dread this time of year, but rather, just ignore it, because tho I'm hardly an orphan, when Father's Day comes around, I feel the heartstrings pull when I hear the ads or have to sit thru those sappy commercials. And honestly, I get a little jealous.

I have friends who are dads and my own brother and his wife should have some baby news this year, but when I'm stuck on which form to file for my taxes, when I go to a baseball game, when the latest guy I'm dating turns out to be a real piece of work, I really wish my dad was still around.

He named me. I was his 'little angel'. I used to sit on the top of his cowboy boots, wrap my arms and legs around his burly calf and he'd go about his business in the house or pretend to look for me. He played Santa Claus for the local kids when he was a member of the Elks Club. He's the reason, even tho I'm right-handed, I throw a softball with my left hand and catch with my right - because he let me make that decision with my fifth grade logic (Why Dad? WHY?!) and it's why I still can't throw for shit. But he hung up a five-gallon bucket horizontally on one of our fences so I could practice throwing consistently and, at the time, I improved. I had braces for years and many times after some major teeth pulling or a surgery, Dad would drive home with me just curled up on the seat, my head on his lap, my face tear-stained and my mouth numb and stuffed with gauze. He taught me how to ride a bike and drive a stick. Mom said he cried when he read the part in one of my letters from Norway about finally finding a store where they sold peanut butter. He worked hard. He laughed loudly. I like to think, despite the fact I was adopted, that I get my big laugh from him.

As a nanny, there are lots of parental moments I suddenly remember from the past. I have great memories of my grandfathers who were both characters. My Grandpa Frank, my dad's dad, made a great, big sound when he sneezed. A-POOYA! It scared the bejesus out of my brother and I every time and I think he knew that. We always got the feeling he'd been a hardass with my dad and his brothers, but he was always a teddy bear to his grandchildren.

My Grandpa Gordon, my mom's step-dad, used to tell us after any little incident found us in tears over a scrape or fall that we'd be ok by the time we were married. Suddenly, I find myself saying this to Jack and Liam when they give that stunned look after a knock on the head into a wall or something of that nature.. when there's that moment of 'am I ok or not' they're trying to figure out. If they nod when I say that, then I know they're ok and drama has luckily been avoided.

And my step-dad used to call me 'girl', as in 'Hey girl!' when he'd see me, which made me feel like a dog being called, but I never said anything because I knew he was really trying to find his own way to connect with me and taking my dad's place was a challenge.

But Dad was the biggest man in my life, literally. He was Hercules to me. A giant of 6' 3" - taller when he wore his favorite cowboy hat - who could make the meanest shredded zucchini scramble with bacon bits when he'd make us breakfast for dinner or homemade pizza, for which he'd use a can of cheap beer in the crust. When my prom date's car ran out of gas a half a mile or so from our house, which was out in the boondocks and wasn't a well-lit road, he's the one who got the gas can and went back to the car with my date at 1am to make sure he got back home safely. When I drove my car into a ditch late one night, way on the other side of town in the middle of winter, headed to a party after work I shouldn't have been going to, he was the one who kept Mom from scolding me while I was in shock and the one who told me over and over that it was going to be ok.

He was a son of a bitch when he was angry, which was often and usually not over anything important, but I don't think anyone, not even he, understood the deep-rooted anger that plagued him. As the years pass without him, I remember less of his temper, even tho I think I inherited that too, and more of the love I know he had for us. I hold onto the good memories because I know that's how he'd rather I remember him.

So here's to your dad, to my dad, and the other dads - those with us and those who aren't - may they all know how much they're loved.

I miss you Pops.. love Susie-Q.

Hello Stranger Part 1

At last! It's late here but I've been trying to find time to write for a while and have clearly failed. Two months have obviously gone by and a zillion things have happened which may have garnered their own post had I been more diligent with this outlet.. but sometimes you just have to live life and stop writing everything down. Maybe in retrospect it then isn't as memorable, but it's still energy well-spent. Let's hope anyway..

So the easy stuff first. Men. Am I right? Kidding. Geez.. tough audience.

Yes, they've come and gone quickly lately - only a few weeks here and there to the point one girlfriend said she wasn't even going to try to remember their names anymore til one stuck around for a while. I told her I was doing the same thing. Single girl in the city. I'm not apologizing. And tho I let a couple linger for a bit while trying to figure out what their intentions were, I made mine known. No more of the bullshit. No more of maybe he'll figure out what he wants eventually and maybe it'll be me. No more of a week goes by with no communication because they're trying to play the game or not give away too much. Once you're clearly spending the majority of your free time with someone and they're the only one you're seeing, to me you either have to spend the effort to be in it or you don't because it's not working and you're out. Doesn't mean it has to be labeled, but it does have to be exclusive and I do have to be a priority. I make room in my life for the person I'm spending time with. Not 100% - that's just being co-dependent and there's individuality still and people have passions and other directions to pursue, but I expect the same courtesy. In or out man.. fish or cut bait. And if they can't figure it out, I do it for them. I did it twice in as many months (I did mention I had a reason for not writing, right?). And no I wasn't as badass as I'm sounding here.. obviously. I'm still a sweet girl my dear four readers.. I'm just saying I'm not taking anything less than what I deserve anymore. Fun is great, don't get me wrong. But fun doesn't get me someone to brush my teeth with at night or take to company parties or cry my eyes out over stupid story lines on Grey's Anatomy or meet my bio family.. you know? It might work out that way for others, but it ain't working for me to give away the milk anymore.. if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do.

There are a couple of dark horses in the current race (Race for.. what? Yeah, I don't know either.. just humor me.) at the moment. One I've known for some years now and there's a bit at stake because we've recently established a decent friendship while working together in shows so if something negative happens, we'll still run in the same fringe theater circles and that's never not awkward. But he's a great actor, a good friend, a good guy overall who everyone I know in the industry likes. He smokes, which I can't stand, but he also knows that so he doesn't do it around me unless we're in a show and he's outside with the other smokers. And, being from the south, he definitely has the qualities of a gentleman - as in manners - and is awfully sweet. So we'll call him Rhett - as in Butler - tho I could use his real name because it sounds just as movie-like, but I do what I can to barely protect the innocent.

I think he's just as nervous as I am about the situation, which is us dating, because it's new just in the last couple of weeks. We both know the moment we show any small public display of affection towards the other in a fringe theater type place, all our friends and associates will be tittering. Tittering quietly, but tittering nonetheless. And this could happen as soon as oh.. tonight at a mutual friend's birthday after a big theater cabaret type thing and since we barely know what this is yet AND it's not exclusive because no, we haven't had THE talk yet because we aren't there, yeah.. it's just a matter of trying to keep the pressure off both of us. I mean, I like him and I certainly don't want to hurt him or get hurt, so it's good, but we're being cautious.

The story behind the other guy is just bizarre. You'll agree with me in a minute. We'll call this one 007 because he's very private, but is certainly a charmer without being sleazy and he travels, likes to live well, and jet-sets from coast to coast often. Yeah.. I was jealous too.

I was at one of my favorite speakeasies on the hill and when you sit at the bar, you tend to talk to the other customers. He was one of them, we were both with other people but I kept thinking he looked familiar and didn't know why. We traded names across the bar over jokes, but that was that and they left. A month or so later, I ran into him at another bar in another neighborhood while out with my friend, Tallulah. I thought he was oddly attentive. She thought he was gay. And as she was dead set on it, I was inclined to believe her. When he said we should meet for drinks after hanging out with us for a bit, I was super casual about it because in my mind he didn't play for my team so it was: Of course! Yes! Let's hang out! Awesome! And we traded contact info.

Some time passed and we'd hit each other up here and there to hang but it wasn't working out. Finally he asked me to set aside time two weeks in advance and something told me to say sure, why not and just add him to my calendar. Two more weeks go by and we're finally in the same place on purpose together, have a great time, and he starts asking semi-datey questions which I thought odd for a gay man. Do I want kids, why am I single, I seem to have a lot going for me, etc.. and I was honest about the men in this city being non-commital, unsure of their own direction let alone what they want, and how they're really good at wasting someone's time. I'm over letting my time be wasted.. I want to feel valued. I asked him the same question this time poking if he'd give a tell-tale sign of his sexuality away because damn I was confused. And he finally gave up he'd been seeing 'someone' in New York for the last three years. Ouch. Clearly it wasn't serious, but it was something to continue this long for that kind of distance. And finally he said SHE was great, but.. blahblahblah (I didn't really pay attention to be honest - I was just relieved to finally get my answer from that cryptic conversation.). And then he said he was having a great time (another clear sign UH.. THIS IS A REAL DATE, CRAP I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!) and we should continue on somewhere else. So we did.

He drove, more drinks, easy conversation even tho now I realize this is a real date FOR REALZ and I'm wishing I could take a few things I said back and we get to my car and we have this conversation:

Me: Slightly coy, So this was a date, right?

007: Well sure, I mean, I thought it was, but it can be whatever..

Me: Right, but my friend Tallulah was certain you were gay and up til about an hour ago, I was inclined to believe her. Waiting for reaction..

007: Pause, smiles, nods. Well, I'm not gay nor am I bi. I do get that a lot but I'm straight. And actually.. I have a confession to make.

Me: Perplexed curiosity wondering all variables of possibilities of what he might tell me next.

007: We've already met.. before that first bar some months ago. Paused for effect. We've actually already dated. (Wait for it..) And we've already slept together. (Are you pausing?!! Because let me tell you.. I was..)

Me: Speechless - which, as we all know, is hard to accomplish. Hats off to the man. Uh.. um.. smatter of other non-words here.. Wow. I'm a jackass. Seriously.. still isn't ringing any bells.

He goes on to tell me other details of our last date: where he lived, what he did for a living, how we met, which finally brought it back to me but I'm telling you as he was saying it, I couldn't believe this person in front of me was the same person. In my memory they look slightly different, the person in my past was taller, much more intense (Shut up. That's part of someone's look, right? Pfft. You don't know.). This guy was calm, grounded, not trying so hard. But honestly it was really only maybe three or four dates (Yes, I know.. we already talked about the milk and how I'm a tart for giving it away for free.. thanks Mom..) and when we worked out the timeframe, it was at least eight or nine years ago. I'm sorry but I'm going to forget someone's name by then if I'm no longer seeing them. I'll give you that I'm still a complete asshat for forgetting him ENTIRELY - even seeing him again recently THREE TIMES. Hello gingko biloba deficiency! Christ.. I'm awesome.

ANYWAY.. he kissed me, it was nice, I'll take more please. Yeah, he's uber metro, but there's something about him and he talked about HAVING BABIES WITH ME. Not that we would, he said.. but they'd be fucking adorable. HIS WORDS. People! WTF?! I mean, haven't you ever wanted your gay boyfriend to sometimes BE your boyfriend because they were that awesome? I dunno.. I know I sound all kinds of wrong right now.. but please, YOU be single here and see where it gets you (Probably married to a Google/Amazon/Microsoft exec or a hot Mariner/Sounder (Mmm.. soccer players..)). You can't make this shit up. No no, you can not.

So don't be jealous of the madcappery that is my dating life.. I wish I was kidding when I say I've dated probably half this city. I run into them at inopportune moments when they happen to be the new bartender making the drink I just ordered (awkward) or the guy on the street who caught my eye and we both invisibly nodded and didn't acknowledge each other verbally. I don't go from boyfriend to boyfriend so more often than not, I'm single. As it stands now, it's kind of enjoyable when there are options but annoying and lonely when there aren't. And the cat has no opinion either way as long as I don't bring someone home upon whose lap, back or stomach she isn't allowed to lounge. She loves love.. just like her mama..

So lovelies, as this is just part one of catching up, I promise not to be such a stranger anymore. The sun is out, the gym calls and I wish you all a sexy and love-filled weekend.. mwah!