So let's start with things as much in order as I can remember. Bernstein. What a freakin mess that was. Unfortunately, this is what I get for rushing things. When will I learn this lesson? As you read this, keep in mind this was a one month relationship. True story. One month. I can practically hear you shaking your head. I know.. sometimes I'm that girl.. but hey, the first two weeks with someone can be so dreamy you lose track of real time. Love makes you fucking crazy. That's my only excuse. NOT that this was that.. but we thought about it..
We met a month before I left for the desert. He was in the upcoming cast I was stage managing (one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time.) and we both developed a big crush and twitterpations. Fast forward to two weeks later after we'd virtually spent every second together since he'd returned from a week away in Eastern Washington working with Seattle Shakes. At this point, we were both talking about some heavy feelings and I felt great about it. Still, we had to come up for air because not only was I prepping for Burning Man, but I was sponsoring my longtime friend, AM, into my camp who'd never been and it doubled my workload and stress of packing and coordinating all the million details required. There was also just basic day to day stuff like laundry and house cleaning that had built up because we'd been too busy being schmoopy and simply staring into each other's eyes like love-struck idiots.
I didn't explain the space needed very delicately to Bernstein - partially because I just thought he'd understand with all the time we'd already had together and partially because I honestly didn't have the bandwidth to be tactful. I had shit to do and a week left to do it in. Still, I made every possible minute with him count or at least I thought I did. He began to lose it on a regular basis - and by lose it, I do mean wig the fuck out. Seriously. For example, we'd just had a lovely morning together and I went to get my hair dyed and trimmed. Not a short appointment, but just 30 minutes into it, I got a text out of no where saying he wasn't sure of ‛things' to which I had to press for ‛what sort of things' and it quickly spiraled downward from there. I felt panicky and like I was talking to a crazy girl. But trying to be understanding, I cancelled my after-salon plans with a girlfriend I'd made and met him immediately to put his insecurities to rest and I thought that was that. He'd been reassured. He was definitely in it and wanted to be with me, I showed him he was important. We were good.
Later that week, I'd left to nanny for six hours. An hour into it, he starts up again. This time, I'm unable to get into it with him until that night after rehearsal because I have to focus on the children and I'm super frustrated he tried to handle his feelings this way again. He goes back and forth with his texts eventually apologizing for putting me on the spot when I can't talk face to face. And I'm at a loss. How did I become the reasonable one in the relationship? That's new. I mean, I'm the sensitive one. I want to be the priority. I don't understand why guys need so much space, etc. And somehow I knew this was the beginning of crazy. I just hoped I was wrong.
We worked it out but the week of Burning Man was swiftly approaching. He was clearly out of his element in understanding what this trip and my friends who are apart of it meant to me and tho I spent time with him, tried to explain it, let him know I'd be coming back to him and was so excited to share my adventures, I wasn't sure he really got it. Our communication was good in person, surprisingly, but we'd have whole conversations over text because honestly, I hate talking on the phone after working in telecommunications for 10 years. My bad, I know. After the second time he freaked out, since we did so much chatting with text, he asked me if we could promise not to do anything drastic over it. Asked if there was an issue, we meet first and work things out in person. I agreed, of course. We were adults, not high school kids.. duh.. that was a no brainer. Again, I thought we were good.. all freak-outs aside.
In his defense, prep for my trip really did make me insane. I wasn't patient, I got annoyed easily, mostly because he was always in my space, and I was overtired. But I let him know when this was all over, I'd be back to normal. Pinky swear. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get organized quickly enough or in the way I wanted at all - even for my fourth trip, it was kind of ridiculous. I was all over the map and feeling this uncertain energy from Bernstein as well, which wasn't helping.
I committed to spending the last night before the trip with him. What that meant to him and what it meant to me by definition I found out later were two different things. Not being as ready as I wanted, that meant I would come over when I was all packed and ready to go. To him, that meant I should've had that shit done before that night so we could have an actual date. Guess who's way that went? At 4am, I straggled over to his place because I'd made that commitment. I could've just texted a lame apology and fallen into my own bed since I had to be up in 2.5 hours but I didn't. That would've been crappy. Still, I thought that he'd understand. He was loving and sweet and at 6:30am, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. As I left his place, I just had this gut feeling something wasn't right with him, but I let it go because I had to focus on this trip I'd been planning for a year. If he thought I was being selfish, then so be it. We'd deal with that when I returned.
The trip takes two days to arrive and the morning of our second day, just as we were leaving Lakeview, Oregon where we stopped for breakfast and gas, I got a vague text from him - to feel free to do whatever I wanted and to have a great trip. Um.. ok.. we'd talked about what I was and wasn't allowed to do while gone since the desert can lead to all kinds of situations with all kinds of people. Kissing was fine, sex was not. So I was confused by his text and AM thought he was trying to test me. Really? Because I don't need to be tested. That's juvenile. I tried calling, he didn't answer. I got the distinct feeling he was again doing that hit and run thing but ignoring me this time. I left him a sweet message and left it at that. There was nothing more I could do til the trip was over.
I'd told Bernstein once I got closer to the desert, we'd lose communication abilities and be incommunicado for the week. I knew he'd have a hard time with that after how much time we'd just spent joined at the hip, but that's what the burn is about. You live in the moment. Exponentially. You put technology aside and you're as present as possible while there. That said, we had early arrival passes and the organization that puts on the event does have internet and phone service pulsing throughout the desert up until the gates open officially and then they dial it down so only they have the most access to it (or something like that - don't quote me.. I'm no IT wizard.). AM got a phone call literally as we approached the official road to the burn which shocked me so I wondered if I had service and it was enough to text Bernstein I'd arrived safe and sound, heart emoticons included. We did a little exploring after arriving and later, I had enough internet to email him of my day's adventures since we'd arrived and that I missed him. I didn't think to explain further because I told him not to expect a word once I left and I didn't write him beyond that first day and put my phone away.
Surprisingly, tho my signal was pretty nil the rest of the week, I'd noticed Saturday I'd received an email from Bernstein and it didn't sound positive. He thought that since I hadn't written anymore that I was blowing him off or mad. I didn't know til we left the desert and had a stronger signal that he'd sent a previous email that hadn't come thru yet letting me know that with my time away, he'd made some decisions and he wanted to talk about them when I returned. It was a lot of stuff I couldn't focus on right then because a) I couldn't address it 16 hours away from home and b) I didn't want to. This felt like so much more drama than it needed to be and it just made me mad. I didn't want it to color my burn so I ignored it until the end of the trip.
Sunday night, after the temple burn, we packed up the car and headed out - me and my three other friends. We sat in line to get out for three hours, and at 3am, there was no way to safely make it anywhere as tired as we were so we slept in the van til dawn on Monday in the town just outside Burning Man. Once we all got some real sleep and were kind of awake and chatting later, I finally received Bernstein's first email and could see there was a problem. I thought I could get a solid signal after we passed thru some major towns and tried calling him. That was my first mistake. He didn't want to talk at all actually and even tho we attempted a little, after a few minutes, the call dropped. Frustrated, I started texting because I knew when I got home, it'd be too late to have a heavy relationship chat. I was upset and I simply wanted to understand what he was feeling, to be reassured myself for once. But he wasn't having it. I kept trying to be kind, but I was persistent and somehow that escalated the issue for him to where he was so frustrated he texted ‛I just feel we need to end things,' and I stopped breathing for a second. Only a second. Because after that I just got angry. I knew something wasn't right, but a break up? Over text?! Really?! Call me nuts but I think that falls under the heading of 'something drastic', which, as mentioned above, he'd made me promise a week ago we wouldn't do over text.
‛Do you even know how hypocritical that is right now,' I asked him in shock.
‛You pushed me to answer. I told you to wait,' he texted back bluntly.
Yeah.. that's what I did. He told me to wait so like a reasonable person in this completely logical situation I was handed unexpectedly after a pretty exhausting week, I should've just obeyed or something and since I didn't, my punishment was that he did the next logical thing anyone would do and HE ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. Yeah.. made total sense to me too. Fucker.
** Side note: I also had edema, which means I was dehydrated so much (which I still don't understand how I did to myself with all the constant drinking of water) that any water in my system wasn't processing correctly and instead was collecting in my cells so I was swollen to the extent my non-burner clothes for the ride home didn't fit and I was woozy and spacey for three days til I figured it out and slept with my feet elevated. So yeah.. the opposite of awesome.**
I was livid. I told him I was done talking til I returned home. My friends were as shocked as I was, tho from his earlier messages on the way to the burn, we all thought he'd been strange. AM offered some sanity in just a few words. And for those of you just joining us, AM is my guy friend who also speaks Guy.. you know that guy friend you have that can tell you what guys mean when they do or say this or that. We've been friends almost as long as I've lived in Seattle.. pretty close to 16 years. We dated when we met, we stayed friends thru thick and thin since then so he knows me.. for reals. He knows how I lack patience where men are concerned, how I can pick some real winners, how I can be stupidly girly and do or say the wrong thing with the same men I only want to get closer to and he can talk me out of my crazy tree when I get stressed out, which is why we drove together in case the van broke down or something insane like last year and because he can also fix cars so it felt good having him along.
ANYWAY - still in shock, AM said the best thing he's ever told me. Simply put, ‛Wow.. he blew it hon. You dodged a bullet with that one.' ‛Right? I mean since when am I the one dating the crazy girl,' I asked incredulously. He didn't even have to say anything more because he knows.. that idea of me being the sane one in any given dating sitch is pretty fucking rare. At least I felt validated at that moment, if nothing else.
Later, in the dark and a few more hours closer to home, the feeling of this person being gone from my life really did hit me and I started to cry silently. AM reached over and grabbed my hand and just held it, which was nice. My friend Sasha came from the backseat and hugged me too. It hurt for sure. I wasn't sure about him when I left and certainly during the week for reasons I'll talk about in the next post, but I wasn't ready to give up on it without trying to talk it thru. And yet, he felt he could make the decision without me.. probably the moment I left.
He texted again that night and sounded like he finally realized what he'd done, not that he took it back but he'd certainly handled it the wrong way. I ignored him because.. duh.
Rehearsal the next evening was torture. I could feel the tension and had to pretend I was fine. And the talk afterwards? Well, in no minutes flat turned into a yelling match. YELLING. HE was MAD at ME! This may have been after I laid into him. I certainly haven't been that angry at anyone in a long time. Not someone I'd been involved with and I'm usually a lot more careful with a boyfriend type but I didn't hold back that night. Not one inch. I said every possible thing I felt about the situation and not once did I apologize. His anger came from trying to defend himself and basically having no leg to stand on - tho I cussed him out pretty directly and he just wasn't able to take it. But I GET to be mad about the break up, right? Yes. Yes I do. There's no statute of limitations for how shitty a break up over text is. No there is not. Yet he told me he was mad at me for things I apparently did or said during our time together, which he didn't have the balls to just say at the time. For example - I teased him about how he dressed one night, (teased was the operative word here), I didn't make him enough of a priority while I was prepping for the burn (which I explained ad nauseum and he still didn't get it.), I didn't return his emails once I was there (also explained.), and the best part - wait for it - was that I REMINDED HIM OF HIS MOTHER WHO'S TOO CONTROLLING. He. Actually. Said. That. And you didn't think he could do anything worse than texting the break up. Me either.
Don't laugh when I say he wasn't the guy I'd left a week before - kind, sweet, so loving and fun. But how much of a person can you really know in a month's time? I know this. It is laughable. At the same time, my mother met the love of her life in my stepfather and after only knowing each other for six weeks, they were engaged. Til he died three years later, I'd never ever seen her so happy. Never. So sue me. It can happen.
He was devoid of all care. I know that look in a guy. I've felt it myself. He felt absolutely nothing for me. He said as much. Angrily. And finally, we'd both had it and he left in a huff but before he could, I gave him back the cute little gifts he'd brought me back from his Eastern Washington trip when we first started dating. I certainly didn't want them after that. His reaction was to say, ‛Fine. I'll throw them away.'
To compound issues, as a cast and crew, we were all committed to a camping trip that coming weekend, which I was already dragging my feet about going on, but surprisingly, overall, it was fine. We stayed to opposite sides of the campfire, we didn't talk at all, but the morning we left, I was watching him pack up his tent and felt a wash of disappointment over the fact we weren't even friends. We'd said we were falling for each other before I'd left. How did we end up in a complete 180 in 10 days apart?
That night I emailed him explaining myself more completely than the night we fought - my shock at his level of anger, his lack of any feeling at all, and I even apologized for anything I may have said or done that he'd not felt comfortable addressing with me. I signed off wishing him happiness. I was surprised he wrote back and with a full apology for everything. Everything. He'd put up walls, talked himself out of what he'd been feeling for me while I was gone, but truly felt we weren't right for each other, which, had he said that to begin with and in a kind way, our break up would've been so much easier for both of us. At least I finally had that.
We opened the show and ran the hell out of it for five reeeaaallly long weeks to almost always sold-out houses even tho the cast felt it was only mediocre - as did a few of the critics. I made friends with the union board op guy who was my sole companion up in the booth for the duration of each show and we were incessantly tortured by Bernstein's constant habit of pausing for effect between words. I mocked him in my head, whether he deserved it or not. It was my outlet of bitterness until I was over it, which came with the closing of the show. I was so grateful when we hit the end of October and that thing was done. There was no love lost in our goodbye and tho I see him randomly at other theater events, I wouldn't consider us friends.
I spent the entirety of November regaining who I was, celebrating myself, and letting go. And reminding myself this was a good lesson learned - yet again - about being patient and getting to know someone in real time.
Oh yeah.. and lastly, if you learn nothing else from me, learn this: Never date an actor. Famous last words.. I know, I know..
We met a month before I left for the desert. He was in the upcoming cast I was stage managing (one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time.) and we both developed a big crush and twitterpations. Fast forward to two weeks later after we'd virtually spent every second together since he'd returned from a week away in Eastern Washington working with Seattle Shakes. At this point, we were both talking about some heavy feelings and I felt great about it. Still, we had to come up for air because not only was I prepping for Burning Man, but I was sponsoring my longtime friend, AM, into my camp who'd never been and it doubled my workload and stress of packing and coordinating all the million details required. There was also just basic day to day stuff like laundry and house cleaning that had built up because we'd been too busy being schmoopy and simply staring into each other's eyes like love-struck idiots.
I didn't explain the space needed very delicately to Bernstein - partially because I just thought he'd understand with all the time we'd already had together and partially because I honestly didn't have the bandwidth to be tactful. I had shit to do and a week left to do it in. Still, I made every possible minute with him count or at least I thought I did. He began to lose it on a regular basis - and by lose it, I do mean wig the fuck out. Seriously. For example, we'd just had a lovely morning together and I went to get my hair dyed and trimmed. Not a short appointment, but just 30 minutes into it, I got a text out of no where saying he wasn't sure of ‛things' to which I had to press for ‛what sort of things' and it quickly spiraled downward from there. I felt panicky and like I was talking to a crazy girl. But trying to be understanding, I cancelled my after-salon plans with a girlfriend I'd made and met him immediately to put his insecurities to rest and I thought that was that. He'd been reassured. He was definitely in it and wanted to be with me, I showed him he was important. We were good.
Later that week, I'd left to nanny for six hours. An hour into it, he starts up again. This time, I'm unable to get into it with him until that night after rehearsal because I have to focus on the children and I'm super frustrated he tried to handle his feelings this way again. He goes back and forth with his texts eventually apologizing for putting me on the spot when I can't talk face to face. And I'm at a loss. How did I become the reasonable one in the relationship? That's new. I mean, I'm the sensitive one. I want to be the priority. I don't understand why guys need so much space, etc. And somehow I knew this was the beginning of crazy. I just hoped I was wrong.
We worked it out but the week of Burning Man was swiftly approaching. He was clearly out of his element in understanding what this trip and my friends who are apart of it meant to me and tho I spent time with him, tried to explain it, let him know I'd be coming back to him and was so excited to share my adventures, I wasn't sure he really got it. Our communication was good in person, surprisingly, but we'd have whole conversations over text because honestly, I hate talking on the phone after working in telecommunications for 10 years. My bad, I know. After the second time he freaked out, since we did so much chatting with text, he asked me if we could promise not to do anything drastic over it. Asked if there was an issue, we meet first and work things out in person. I agreed, of course. We were adults, not high school kids.. duh.. that was a no brainer. Again, I thought we were good.. all freak-outs aside.
In his defense, prep for my trip really did make me insane. I wasn't patient, I got annoyed easily, mostly because he was always in my space, and I was overtired. But I let him know when this was all over, I'd be back to normal. Pinky swear. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get organized quickly enough or in the way I wanted at all - even for my fourth trip, it was kind of ridiculous. I was all over the map and feeling this uncertain energy from Bernstein as well, which wasn't helping.
I committed to spending the last night before the trip with him. What that meant to him and what it meant to me by definition I found out later were two different things. Not being as ready as I wanted, that meant I would come over when I was all packed and ready to go. To him, that meant I should've had that shit done before that night so we could have an actual date. Guess who's way that went? At 4am, I straggled over to his place because I'd made that commitment. I could've just texted a lame apology and fallen into my own bed since I had to be up in 2.5 hours but I didn't. That would've been crappy. Still, I thought that he'd understand. He was loving and sweet and at 6:30am, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. As I left his place, I just had this gut feeling something wasn't right with him, but I let it go because I had to focus on this trip I'd been planning for a year. If he thought I was being selfish, then so be it. We'd deal with that when I returned.
The trip takes two days to arrive and the morning of our second day, just as we were leaving Lakeview, Oregon where we stopped for breakfast and gas, I got a vague text from him - to feel free to do whatever I wanted and to have a great trip. Um.. ok.. we'd talked about what I was and wasn't allowed to do while gone since the desert can lead to all kinds of situations with all kinds of people. Kissing was fine, sex was not. So I was confused by his text and AM thought he was trying to test me. Really? Because I don't need to be tested. That's juvenile. I tried calling, he didn't answer. I got the distinct feeling he was again doing that hit and run thing but ignoring me this time. I left him a sweet message and left it at that. There was nothing more I could do til the trip was over.
I'd told Bernstein once I got closer to the desert, we'd lose communication abilities and be incommunicado for the week. I knew he'd have a hard time with that after how much time we'd just spent joined at the hip, but that's what the burn is about. You live in the moment. Exponentially. You put technology aside and you're as present as possible while there. That said, we had early arrival passes and the organization that puts on the event does have internet and phone service pulsing throughout the desert up until the gates open officially and then they dial it down so only they have the most access to it (or something like that - don't quote me.. I'm no IT wizard.). AM got a phone call literally as we approached the official road to the burn which shocked me so I wondered if I had service and it was enough to text Bernstein I'd arrived safe and sound, heart emoticons included. We did a little exploring after arriving and later, I had enough internet to email him of my day's adventures since we'd arrived and that I missed him. I didn't think to explain further because I told him not to expect a word once I left and I didn't write him beyond that first day and put my phone away.
Surprisingly, tho my signal was pretty nil the rest of the week, I'd noticed Saturday I'd received an email from Bernstein and it didn't sound positive. He thought that since I hadn't written anymore that I was blowing him off or mad. I didn't know til we left the desert and had a stronger signal that he'd sent a previous email that hadn't come thru yet letting me know that with my time away, he'd made some decisions and he wanted to talk about them when I returned. It was a lot of stuff I couldn't focus on right then because a) I couldn't address it 16 hours away from home and b) I didn't want to. This felt like so much more drama than it needed to be and it just made me mad. I didn't want it to color my burn so I ignored it until the end of the trip.
Sunday night, after the temple burn, we packed up the car and headed out - me and my three other friends. We sat in line to get out for three hours, and at 3am, there was no way to safely make it anywhere as tired as we were so we slept in the van til dawn on Monday in the town just outside Burning Man. Once we all got some real sleep and were kind of awake and chatting later, I finally received Bernstein's first email and could see there was a problem. I thought I could get a solid signal after we passed thru some major towns and tried calling him. That was my first mistake. He didn't want to talk at all actually and even tho we attempted a little, after a few minutes, the call dropped. Frustrated, I started texting because I knew when I got home, it'd be too late to have a heavy relationship chat. I was upset and I simply wanted to understand what he was feeling, to be reassured myself for once. But he wasn't having it. I kept trying to be kind, but I was persistent and somehow that escalated the issue for him to where he was so frustrated he texted ‛I just feel we need to end things,' and I stopped breathing for a second. Only a second. Because after that I just got angry. I knew something wasn't right, but a break up? Over text?! Really?! Call me nuts but I think that falls under the heading of 'something drastic', which, as mentioned above, he'd made me promise a week ago we wouldn't do over text.
‛Do you even know how hypocritical that is right now,' I asked him in shock.
‛You pushed me to answer. I told you to wait,' he texted back bluntly.
Yeah.. that's what I did. He told me to wait so like a reasonable person in this completely logical situation I was handed unexpectedly after a pretty exhausting week, I should've just obeyed or something and since I didn't, my punishment was that he did the next logical thing anyone would do and HE ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. Yeah.. made total sense to me too. Fucker.
** Side note: I also had edema, which means I was dehydrated so much (which I still don't understand how I did to myself with all the constant drinking of water) that any water in my system wasn't processing correctly and instead was collecting in my cells so I was swollen to the extent my non-burner clothes for the ride home didn't fit and I was woozy and spacey for three days til I figured it out and slept with my feet elevated. So yeah.. the opposite of awesome.**
I was livid. I told him I was done talking til I returned home. My friends were as shocked as I was, tho from his earlier messages on the way to the burn, we all thought he'd been strange. AM offered some sanity in just a few words. And for those of you just joining us, AM is my guy friend who also speaks Guy.. you know that guy friend you have that can tell you what guys mean when they do or say this or that. We've been friends almost as long as I've lived in Seattle.. pretty close to 16 years. We dated when we met, we stayed friends thru thick and thin since then so he knows me.. for reals. He knows how I lack patience where men are concerned, how I can pick some real winners, how I can be stupidly girly and do or say the wrong thing with the same men I only want to get closer to and he can talk me out of my crazy tree when I get stressed out, which is why we drove together in case the van broke down or something insane like last year and because he can also fix cars so it felt good having him along.
ANYWAY - still in shock, AM said the best thing he's ever told me. Simply put, ‛Wow.. he blew it hon. You dodged a bullet with that one.' ‛Right? I mean since when am I the one dating the crazy girl,' I asked incredulously. He didn't even have to say anything more because he knows.. that idea of me being the sane one in any given dating sitch is pretty fucking rare. At least I felt validated at that moment, if nothing else.
Later, in the dark and a few more hours closer to home, the feeling of this person being gone from my life really did hit me and I started to cry silently. AM reached over and grabbed my hand and just held it, which was nice. My friend Sasha came from the backseat and hugged me too. It hurt for sure. I wasn't sure about him when I left and certainly during the week for reasons I'll talk about in the next post, but I wasn't ready to give up on it without trying to talk it thru. And yet, he felt he could make the decision without me.. probably the moment I left.
He texted again that night and sounded like he finally realized what he'd done, not that he took it back but he'd certainly handled it the wrong way. I ignored him because.. duh.
Rehearsal the next evening was torture. I could feel the tension and had to pretend I was fine. And the talk afterwards? Well, in no minutes flat turned into a yelling match. YELLING. HE was MAD at ME! This may have been after I laid into him. I certainly haven't been that angry at anyone in a long time. Not someone I'd been involved with and I'm usually a lot more careful with a boyfriend type but I didn't hold back that night. Not one inch. I said every possible thing I felt about the situation and not once did I apologize. His anger came from trying to defend himself and basically having no leg to stand on - tho I cussed him out pretty directly and he just wasn't able to take it. But I GET to be mad about the break up, right? Yes. Yes I do. There's no statute of limitations for how shitty a break up over text is. No there is not. Yet he told me he was mad at me for things I apparently did or said during our time together, which he didn't have the balls to just say at the time. For example - I teased him about how he dressed one night, (teased was the operative word here), I didn't make him enough of a priority while I was prepping for the burn (which I explained ad nauseum and he still didn't get it.), I didn't return his emails once I was there (also explained.), and the best part - wait for it - was that I REMINDED HIM OF HIS MOTHER WHO'S TOO CONTROLLING. He. Actually. Said. That. And you didn't think he could do anything worse than texting the break up. Me either.
Don't laugh when I say he wasn't the guy I'd left a week before - kind, sweet, so loving and fun. But how much of a person can you really know in a month's time? I know this. It is laughable. At the same time, my mother met the love of her life in my stepfather and after only knowing each other for six weeks, they were engaged. Til he died three years later, I'd never ever seen her so happy. Never. So sue me. It can happen.
He was devoid of all care. I know that look in a guy. I've felt it myself. He felt absolutely nothing for me. He said as much. Angrily. And finally, we'd both had it and he left in a huff but before he could, I gave him back the cute little gifts he'd brought me back from his Eastern Washington trip when we first started dating. I certainly didn't want them after that. His reaction was to say, ‛Fine. I'll throw them away.'
To compound issues, as a cast and crew, we were all committed to a camping trip that coming weekend, which I was already dragging my feet about going on, but surprisingly, overall, it was fine. We stayed to opposite sides of the campfire, we didn't talk at all, but the morning we left, I was watching him pack up his tent and felt a wash of disappointment over the fact we weren't even friends. We'd said we were falling for each other before I'd left. How did we end up in a complete 180 in 10 days apart?
That night I emailed him explaining myself more completely than the night we fought - my shock at his level of anger, his lack of any feeling at all, and I even apologized for anything I may have said or done that he'd not felt comfortable addressing with me. I signed off wishing him happiness. I was surprised he wrote back and with a full apology for everything. Everything. He'd put up walls, talked himself out of what he'd been feeling for me while I was gone, but truly felt we weren't right for each other, which, had he said that to begin with and in a kind way, our break up would've been so much easier for both of us. At least I finally had that.
We opened the show and ran the hell out of it for five reeeaaallly long weeks to almost always sold-out houses even tho the cast felt it was only mediocre - as did a few of the critics. I made friends with the union board op guy who was my sole companion up in the booth for the duration of each show and we were incessantly tortured by Bernstein's constant habit of pausing for effect between words. I mocked him in my head, whether he deserved it or not. It was my outlet of bitterness until I was over it, which came with the closing of the show. I was so grateful when we hit the end of October and that thing was done. There was no love lost in our goodbye and tho I see him randomly at other theater events, I wouldn't consider us friends.
I spent the entirety of November regaining who I was, celebrating myself, and letting go. And reminding myself this was a good lesson learned - yet again - about being patient and getting to know someone in real time.
Oh yeah.. and lastly, if you learn nothing else from me, learn this: Never date an actor. Famous last words.. I know, I know..
6 comments:
WOW! What a nut job. You totally dodged a bullet. Did you go on your Jr League Bachelor date yet?? Dying to know!
breeza: Darling girl, thank you.. that's sweet. Also.. am I missing something? How did you know about the Jr. League and date? That's another story because we did date, briefly.. I just ended the casual thing we had going - he's too young and we're too different - but we didn't do the whole package thing that he came with. I'm doing that w/ friends actually.. I mean, since I paid for it. ;)
I loves the internets. That's where I find gold. Thanks for the novelette on crazy. Why are some people just so fucking much work? Please don't burn the next dude just because of the "actor". I love burners, my son works for them. Cheers from a new reader. Be well and well, just fuckin' breathe! WD
I follow you on twitter :) I'm in Seattle too--for now! And I'm in the JLS.
Too bad it didn't work out. But have fun with your package thingy!
w.d. - I'm breathing & dating a lovely non theater type who makes me laugh constantly so I promise, I give everyone a chance. I don't think they're all the same. I like this one. It's been a while since I have so believe me I'd love it to work out. And yay for new readers! Thanks!!
breeza: Ahh I see! Well the package included dinner at Aqua which friends & I just did. Unfortunately 2 of us ended up w/ food poisoning from the seabass. Mild but very uncomfy for last 2 days. Also, see above about new boy I'm diggin. Cross fingers! Also also? In Seattle? Girl - I see drinks in our future! xo
Yikes! I'll never go there! Sure! I've been back here for a couple years but hopefully am moving to LA soon. I used to have a public blog but now it's private. I'm on twitter too....breeza7.
Hit me up! :)
And yay for a new boy!!
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