Dusting off.. again

I'm back to single-dom. Well, I don't think I ever really left, but I did have a semi-lovely three weeks with a handsome, but fucking CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF, Brit. Now, I KNOW what you're thinking... three weeks isn't long but it's enough time for someone to start to get under your skin and the butterflies are going - at least that's what happens when I'm sprung on someone.

So there I was visiting that cute and cuddly world where my hand was held, there were sweet, adoring gazes, long, slow kisses, good conversations and even a couple of misunderstandings thrown in to work thru and balance it all out. It was exciting and magnetic.. but good God, I am DENSE! Sorry - am I stating the obvious? Cuz you already saw this coming, right?? Just take my advice.. when someone says they only broke up with their ex of THREE years, who was also LIVING with them, just a FEW months ago, which actually, more correctly, was barely TWO months ago... run, I say, RUN THE HELL AWAY! Because, hi.. they LIE! Well, they don't mean to lie.. but then they are just unintentional liars and that's just as bad. He was so NOT ready.. no matter what he said otherwise and I KNEW that but chose to defy my own cute little brain where logic really does reside, believe it or not, and I said self - um.. this could be a potentially damaging situation.. hellooooooooo.. but self tuned out the warning. Bad self! Bad! And with all the touching and kissing and lusty feelings rising up from.. well.. *ahem*.. you know where.. distraction ensued.. and Christ.. it's difficult people.. ok?!

So the fool went back to his ex. Cuz she um.. called. And asked. In a nice way. I guess.

He already broke it off once with me after about two weeks saying he wasn't ready, found out his ex was dating and she didn't tell him even tho they had some sort of agreement and that really upset him and he broke down and blah blah BLAH.. Um, hello.. WHO is the girl here in this seeing-each-other relationship thing we had going? Someone PLEASE tell me.. So I said ok, was appropriately disappointed, but it sounded like something he needed to work out. Nothing you can do in those situations but give them time and yes, I was bummed cuz hey, I liked the guy. Sue me.

I checked in later that week and he seemed fine.. sounded like he was dealing with things, but mostly, doing ok and I left it at that. If anything were to come of it, he needed to let me know. It certainly wasn't my place to confuse either of us further and trust me, Miss D = plenty confused already by that point.

So, days pass and wouldn't you know it.. out of the blue, more than a week after his initial decision to break things off, he calls and asks to see me. I go and am not surprised he wants to go back to where we left off, cuz I undeniably ROCK, except that he wants to start like right now.. and expects me to just be ok with everything.. just about oh.. instantly. Like, not even giving me time to digest it all and I was starting to think, hmm.. maybe he likes things on his own terms and that should be a flag of sorts.. like maybe even a red one.. but then that was buried in a hole somewhere in the back of my brain as the kissing again ensued and FUCK I AM DUMB. Still, the confusion was beginning to run rampantly and apparently, I just thought I'd run along side it.. maybe get in a quick jog and start up a friendly conversation.. how's the wife, the kids.. and you know, never even thought to ask why confusion's sole purpose in life was to PLAGUE ME. Nope..

I gave it another shot with my guard back up, so I thought, and we started again in that place where you live blissfully, but tentatively until you can really be vulnerable and certain that what you're offering won't be thrown back in your face.. broken in a few more pieces than you remembered. But I'm not good at the upkeep of the guard. In fact, I think my guard is defective and in need of replacement. I think my guard came from Ikea where things look like a really great idea but when you get it home, there are not enough pieces or directions and the directions that are there are in Swedish - so you know, that's sort of a problem and you put it together anyway with what you have and it looks nothing like the picture and is sort of.. bent. I think my guard is like that. And I only get tea lights from Ikea.. just saying..

So I tried.. tried to keep my distance amidst provided affection, pretty words, and time spent enjoying each other's company.. which seemed to conflict with trying to be genuine for me, tho I think they can be mutually exclusive in the name of protecting one's self.. right? But again, I'm just not skilled at the maintenance and construction of said protection and therefore, it's fairly flawed cuz goddamn, I always end up with the fucked up ones the most. Do I think I can fix or help them? Do I see something in them that is familiar and therefore, attractive? Even if that familiarity is what causes the demise of each budding promise of something???

*Sigh* I don't know.. I don't want to fix anyone.. but I think I just don't listen to my gut enough when trying to give people an honest chance because people aren't going to be everything you want. So what if he barely noticed the three times I mentioned my blog and he never once asked a single question about my writing or if he could read it.. So what if he barely asked me any questions about my past or my family and friends.. It was early. He had other great qualities that were more prevalent and there was plenty of time to evaluate if this was a one-sided type of person. But then where do you draw the line? I don't like to give up. I like to try all the options before I say ok.. enough.. this isn't working.. and that's what I was doing cuz I don't want to move to any extreme where I'm excessively bitter and unhappy and no one is good enough. But it'd be nice to recognize the subtle deal breakers that are often just inherent characteristics in a person you'll never change and just won't work with you. You think?

I also don't want to jump on the next train and force myself to date whomever comes along via whatever medium just so I can convince myself there are other possibilities cuz I already know there are. It's just blatant self-pity to think anything else. And I wish I'd put those clues together and seen this coming cuz they were there, but when you're in it, you don't always see what's right in front of you and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I know for a fact I deserve better, this saved me a lot of heartache in the long run, it's for the best, and it really had absolutely nothing to do with me..

But it still stings.

However, I'm an optimist and a hopeless romantic. I'll never not be hopeful. It's just not in my nature. I can tend to feel sorry for myself for a little bit, but I try not to let that go on for too long cuz it's not productive. The past is the past and I have to believe it won't continue to be like this EVERY time (God I hope not anyway.). If some people want to take the easy way out and move backwards to what they're familiar with, fine. I certainly wish them the best of luck trying to find out now what they don't think they've realized about the other in the last THREE YEARS.. um yeah.. oooook.. But it's not my choice to make tho I'd like to think, in the same situation, I would've made the harder choice of moving forward, working thru the yuck, and actually learning something. Hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, if anything at all, but I'm a strong girl, spunky, a hell of a kisser from what I'm told, and a fucking great catch. And, when the right person comes along, if that's all it takes, we'll carve out something new that looks nothing like what was obviously, in retrospect, doomed from the beginning.

I mean really.. as my friend Matt said the other day, there's another bus in five minutes..