Just say no

Attention can be nice. Compliments are flattering. What woman doesn't want to hear she's a doll... that she's beautiful and attractive? Who wouldn't want to be gazed at adoringly by a man she's just met who seems completely dazzled by her presence and feels extremely lucky he was seated next to her in a mixed birthday group of strangers and friends?

It was all very unexpected in what was mostly a homosexual collection of Loren's work associates and on-the-town boys and girls and therefore, unusual that my gaydar was so far off. I mean, he was wearing a turtleneck for chrissakes. I think that automatically qualified him as not playing for my team. I don't mean ALL circumstances where one, being male, would don the standard cold-weather-neck-covering sweater would, but I mean, really.. there are instances you just.. know.. and clearly, I thought this was one of them.. mistakenly.. especially considering the witty banter initiated, the quick, affectionate put-down comebacks that indicated not only was he a card-carrying member of Gays Of Our Lives, but his best lines were probably picked up from watching too much Will & Grace. I know this cuz that's where my best zingers come from. Where else will you hear 'oh honey, coulda, woulda, Prada..' or 'Love you like a cold sore!' The latter one's my favorite and I used it that night on Loren's boyfriend, Sean, with whom I have a love/hate/hate/hate relationship - as he's coined it. Well, at least we agree on something.. and I savored the small moments after while he held his tongue thinking of something better.. even in knowing my insult was plagiarized.

And then.. somewhere in the conversation, the man next to me must've dropped the fact he was straight three times in a matter of seconds.. and I felt this looming feeling over me - the sense that very soon I'd be barraged by his attempts to hit on me. Silently and without any sudden moves, I tried to see him all brand new like I'd just met him and see if just like.. well, magic I suppose.. it'd work and I would know .. Oh! You're not gay! I don't know what I was thinking! Yeah.. um.. didn't fix anything. Still gay. Hmm..has that ever happened to you? You get a perspective, your first impression.. and it's just not easy to change that once you think you know what to make of them.. right? And their sexual preferences? Right.. you get it.. you're quick like that.

I got away only for a short time while we changed locales and did my best to sit in the middle and near the birthday boy once we reassembled so others might give me a little relief in their company. In that time, I'd also figured out from Loren that it had basically been his oh-so-bright idea to try to set us up once he realized there I was all single.. and there his friend was all single.. so HEY! Why not, you know, set them up TOGETHER?! Yay!! To which I respond:

Me: So.. that's very sweet and all honey if not for the fact that oh.. he's GAY! Wondered if maybe you noticed.. No? Didn't pick up on that?

Loren: No no.. he's not.. he's sooooooooo nice.. really..

Me: Yeah.. he seems that.. but again, oh, I don't know.. STILL GAY! You know.. warn a girl next time will you? Maybe BEFORE she decides someone is or isn't gay based on his sweater choices.. Say something to the effect of.. see that STRAIGHT guy? He's SINGLE.. and NOT gay! Ok? Warning = good!

Loren: *just laughing*

Ugh.. I love Loren for many, many reasons.. but his talent for match-making is not one of them.

So the man sat across from me, next to Loren's boyfriend - who again is not my biggest fan and who so enjoys watching me squirm. It didn't take long for him (the man, not Sean) to get bored talking with the others and focus on me (Sean would do just the opposite actually), which I thought might happen, but still hoped for some sort of deus ex machina to save me anyway. And at that point he pretty much announced to the table when he asked me to come sit next to him - beginning the Suffocation Period - that he was going to hit on me. Yup.. told me just like that.. but hey, he asked if it was ok. Oh, well in THAT case... and then Sean just offers up his seat and tells me to come on over.. um... thanks, yeah.. thanks SO much for making it easy on me.. It's a wonder I haven't perfected the squinty-eyed-head-blowing-up stare yet... damn.

Actually I have to give the guy credit for being so direct. For a girl who really tries to live that way, a lot of the time I'm not as direct as I'd like..and even more so, passive-aggressive at times.. Plus it's tough for a guy to always be the pursuer and I feel for them.. sometimes.. He's a very nice guy tho, I have no doubt, yet his approach quickly became unwelcome cuz it stopped being fun and friendly and was more clingy and obsessive. I was completely on the defensive not long after I was goaded to sit next to him. I was just some cute little carrot he was chasing. The more I denied him, the more intent he became.. and hi.. tho that's always the game they tell you to play, girl, I wasn't playing it.. and it sort of freaked me out a little.

I noticed after a while I was literally leaning back into the left arm of my chair to counter his leaning out towards me from the other side and he was pretty much trying to convince me to go out with him. Ok.. that's your first sign of 'no'.. don't you think? And at first I said sure, sounds like fun. I thought you know, it couldn't hurt to go out with him once.. who knows.. but I let him know I was currently seeing a couple of other people and this is the way it was going to be for a while. His reaction was less than amused but he thought about it for a second. Then he was dismissive and wished me luck...kinda sarcastically too, which didn't win him any points. But I thought ok.. cool. He wants one thing, I'm doing another and this won't work for him. Fine. Case closed.. that's that. Phew!

We began to join other conversations but just after a few minutes, he thought he'd try another tactic..

Him: So you're just done now.. ?

Me: Um.. huh? *looking very confused*

Him: You're done with me now. You've moved on.

Me: Oh.. um.. no... but um.. I thought the going out thing was sort of settled.. right? You don't want to go out with me if I'm seeing other people, which I am. So.. did I miss something?

Him: What about a third? You can date a third guy, can't you? I mean, I'm going to steal you away anyway.. so..

Me: Oh, well, yes, a third person is fine - not sure how much more time I have, but I like the two I'm seeing currently.. so neither will be ending anytime soon that I know of.. Just don't see the stealing happening.. sorry. Besides, you just said..

Him: Yeah, I know.. I'm fine with it.. but I'll steal you away. No I will.. trust me. I'm a great catch.

Me: *laughing* I'm sure you are.. but your first reaction was that this wouldn't work for you.. so be honest with yourself.. really. You aren't going to be ok with it so why bother?

Him: Well I think I've met my soul mate.

Me: Really? You think so? *smiling AND getting a bit freaked out now - soul mate?? wtf?!*

Him: Yup.. Seriously, c'mon.. give me your number and we'll go out. Dinner, drinks and the Nutcracker.. sound good?

Me: *thinking.. ohMYGod.. REALLY gay now!* Hmm.. You know.. no. I'm not going to.

Him: What? Why not?

Me: You've already said you aren't ok with me seeing other people and we haven't even gone out yet. I can't tolerate seeing someone who gets jealous. I won't do that. So you're going on your trip Monday (he brought that up previously).. when you get back, if you're still certain you want to do this, give Loren a ring and he'll have permission to give you my number.

Him: *really shocked now* No! That's crazy! I'm absolutely not going to go thru other people to get your number. Just give it to me.

Me: Nope..

Him: Why?! C'mon.. I really like you.

Me: Ok.. now I've told you why.. please listen.. I said no and I think that's enough.. you think about it and then Loren here will be happy to oblige, but I think you'll agree when you're back, you'll be fine without it. Ok?

This is of course summarized for effect but it's pretty close to how it happened over the course of dinner and then leaving the restaurant where he continued to whine (no really.. he whined! - a grown man of 37!) and pretty much did everything but stomp his feet in protest on the sidewalk in front of those of us who were left. It's too bad, but once I started to feel suffocated, it was too late to save himself. At that point, all I wanted to do was wash off the virtual cling, shivering in relief with every single step that took me further away from that I-can't-breathe feeling. Bleh!

As we were walking away, I smacked Loren in the arm..

Me: Thanks a lot! You created a monster!

Loren: *giggling like a girl* Ok ok.. I won't try that again, I promise!

Well, at least Loren was entertained. It was his birthday. Man, the things I won't do for a friend..