Processing

Saturday night, smiling big and flying high on a cloud of baby-girl-pink sort of happy due to much birthday celebration and oh maybe just a little wine (2 bottles) and maybe a ginger mojito and a chocolate cake shot thrown in (I'm a lightweight people - that's a lot for me), I ended up at a little house party for an acquaintance who's birthday was also just after mine. I didn't know anyone but the two friends who accompanied me and with more wine in hand I scanned the room for familiar faces while getting down with my bad self on the dance/dining room floor. And there, near the dj table, a man I'd glanced at about 30 minutes prior just casually, finally nodded to me as if to say, 'Yes, we already locked eyes for a second but you didn't even recognize it's me and we've only known each other for like, oh 3 years. Duh.' Ok, I added the 'duh' cuz that's how I felt for not even distinguishing this man from a stranger especially since the history, not to mention chemistry, we had (have) has been (and still is, to be perfectly honest) pretty hot, which is probably why we've had more of a fuck-buddy type past, but it's never prevented us from just genuinely liking each other and being friends.

So there was that. Mind = racing due to .. 'thoughts'.. um.. I probably shouldn't have been thinking considering one of my 'friends' was really my date and I need another person to occupy my time like I needed more liquor. Girl is getting plenty of attention. Really. NOT that I'm complaining. No no no.. don't get me wrong.. but shockingly, tho I'm not in the least bit unsatisfied, there remains a lot of sex on the brain for some reason. I feel that even with riding high a top (all puns intended) my woman's prime that my imagination and dreamy subconscience are those of a pubescent 13-year-old boy. Not sure if that's what's supposed to be happening... but hey, whatever keeps a girl young..

Then, right in the midst of my friendly and slightly sexy reunion, it turned into some unwelcome 'It's Your Life' moment and standing against a wall in mid-conversation was someone I wasn't as eager to run into so unexpectedly and most certainly, someone I didn't want to see. Like, at all. Don't be disappointed after such build up when I tell you it was just an ex-boyfriend AND that when it ended almost 2 years ago now, that I'm the one who cut the cord cuz I just wasn't feeling it. But guess who was completely crushed and guilt-ridden and really, really heartbroken by his absence for oh, three months.. Yup. Me. I know.. sounds stupid.. but we were close and had built up what I thought was a decent friendship for a while before we started dating. I adored him and thought we could work romantically, but honestly, and it really did come as a surprise to me, I couldn't maintain those feelings. What can you do tho? You just can't force those things. It wasn't fair to anyone.

We tried to be friends.. something I truly believe in always attempting unless there are circumstances for which I can't get past and forgive. From talking to my friends, I'm also one of the only people they know who is willing to put out this effort, but tho it's usually difficult for someone, I think it can only be viewed as something positive... eventually. And, in this situation, it was much easier for me, obviously. Pretty quickly I caught him lashing out at me in a very cruel and passive-aggressive way. I felt insulted and worse than that, dismissed. I think people are entitled to be angry when they're on the crappy end of a break up, but I asked him directly - many times - if he needed some space and time to heal and we could try again in a couple of months. But he insisted he was fine, no worries, all was ok. But it wasn't ok and after enough times of complete flaking and direct mud-slinging on his part, yeah.. I'd had enough. He came back a couple of months later asking if we could try being friends again, but simply didn't want to discuss anything that had gone on in the past and in order for me to feel better about it I had to talk it out. I didn't think it was a lot to ask, but he refused so hey.. really, thanks for trying there.. like SO much.. yeah.. putting out ALL that EFFORT..

And we disintigrated completely right there and we haven't spoken since.

Out of the blue last week he sent a request to add him to my group of friends on myspace.com (and no, I'm not going to link to it cuz the site bugs). Not even a message attached. Hellooo.. I may be very stupid sometimes, but honey, this girl has a fabulous memory and no penchant for adding people all willy nilly.. I fired off a one word question back without even so much as a blink, 'Why?' He sent back apologies and a long spiel about what he'd been up to, asked how I was, etc., but I was stuck on the apology part cuz at this point.. sigh.. I don't know if I care and once you reach a certain point where people aren't even a speck on your radar anymore, what is the purpose of bringing them back from the dead? When, completely unaware, we'd been occupying the same room in the same house for 45 minutes and upon recognition it catches me way off-fucking-guard... really, why would I pursue that relationship in any way? I'm a compassionate girl, a big-hearted and loving girl, but as I get older, I find I'm less tolerant of the cruel things people will do and say out of anger and it's not my job to always be the bigger person. No I don't see 'bigger person' tattooed to my little forehead people.. I would like someone else to do that before they say and do things they eventually regret. Yes, that's what I would like. I don't usually dismiss people without a good reason and I'm all for the big talk of let's move forward and positive actions blah blah blah.. but my gut clearly said, nope this wasn't a good thing and when your gut talks, you should listen..

We left on the advice of the talking gut and I shook it off like a bad dream of creepy crawly spiders and ants all over me.. bleh! I know it's not the same thing, but ew.. Conflict! Confrontation! Did NOT want to deal. Besides that, I know the one creating all that would be me. Why can't I simply just let it go?? He seemed happy and fine and smiley and oh YAY for him. Me.. yeah, not so much. Just needed to breathe. Air. Good.

I don't like being surprised like that. Usually, yes, surprises are great when they're pink and fuzzy and wrapped with bows and in tiny little bags with printed tissue and funny cards and such.. but catch-your-breath-this-room-couldn't-be-smaller-
I-couldn't-leave-any-quicker sort of surprises don't come with cards and yeah.. no. I don't like.

I know. I'm being ridiculous. You can say it. This isn't the worst thing in the world - absolutely. I don't know why all these complicated feelings sort of attacked me with his mere presence but the best explanation I can muster is there was no closure due to the fact we both just walked away..but the more complete part of that is I haven't yet processed how to do the latter portion of the 'forgive and forget' when someone hurts me deliberately. I can say I've forgiven, and truly, I feel I have.. but if I can't forget, do I really, in fact then, forgive at all? Chew on that, will you? Get back to me when you have a good answer.

Others would say, hey, this is karma. I hurt him first and broke his heart - and a week after that bit of awful, he lets me know that he realized he'd fallen in love with me. Yeah. Put that in your pipe baby.. NOW ask me how much worse I felt.. I dare you.. c'mon. So yes, I would also agree with you that possibly this is the proper punishment - maybe - if I hadn't tried with every nerve in my being to treat him as I had wished others had treated me when they felt the need to sever a close relationship.. and there was class and honesty and care taken. People.. there was care! And you know what? I was STILL the bad guy.

This weekend was a good reminder of many things. First and foremost - this town is too fucking small sometimes. To end up at a party with someone you're currently dating, someone else you.. well.. didn't date.. exactly.. as well as someone you loved dearly.. at the house of an acquaintance! I mean, what sort of punishment is that? Throw in the boy who spread rumors about me being a prude cuz HE didn't hold my hand at the movies in the 8th grade and maybe the girl in high school who threatened to beat me up once.. and I'd practically have myself a Sartre play or at the very least, a decent joke.. OR I could view Saturday as another confirmation that every year I'm stronger, more complete, hell.. happier even and with all I take in and come to realize, yes, I still have a long way to go. And I'm not discouraged.. it's challenging actually.. and that I like.

It was great to have an entire week dedicated to just being the birthday girl.. but it's time to get back to reality and back to being the work in progress that I really am. Maybe I'll put on a tiara for extra effect.