Babygirl crashes and burns

(Author's note to her subject: Sorry babe - don't know if you'll still be reading my awkwardly crafted sentences or not during this required bit of space-taking til we move on to being 'just friends'.. but know this spilling of my emotional gut is part of my catharsis and I hope you understand.)

He found me on myspace.com in late September or early October. Such a cutie he was though six years younger than me and I thought.. what could he possibly have to say.. but he wasn't the typical younger guy who couldn't put three words together. He was smart, approached me without a come on and then engaged me to meet after a couple weeks of chatting back and forth. I thought, what the hell and I left the house with no expectations, but when I first saw him, he smiled at me and I thought.. hmm.. adorable... and what a great smile. And then we talked. All night. It was easy, he was funny, we created imaginary pets we would share, chihuahuas, Rufus (I named) and Petunia (he named), and then pretended to argue over clothing them (me) or not (him) cuz they do tend to get chilly, but, since Rufus was mainly his, and too manly for any type of sweater in boy's opinion, it was agreed he could wear one but only when he was with me.

The time flew by and before we knew it, it was pretty late for a weeknight out. I hugged him goodbye and he surprised me when he leaned in and kissed me just ever so sweetly. It was lovely and there was a very cute twinkle in his eye that I noticed.. I thought he may be a little bit of trouble, but cute trouble nonetheless..

Dinner and I think a movie made up our second date and tho I think we thought both were marginal, our time together was better than average. Upon making another attempt to see each other is when he told me he'd had a great time, but if I was looking for something serious, we should end it here cuz that's not something he wanted right now. At the time, I was in the midst of my dating experiment and seeing two other people. I wasn't about to get caught up in one person either so it wasn't a big deal to me. That's fine. Serious? Pffft.. who wants that?

He's allergic to cats, among other things, as I've noticed Virgos always are in my experience, so I think there was only one time, early on, he stayed with me in the two-cat house. A valiant effort it was too since Holly's kitty decided to declare war on us at 7:30 am on that fated Sunday morning and peed on the bed with us in it. An unwelcome awakening, boy, half asleep, patiently waited while I attempted to clean up what I could, informed Holly of her baby's infraction, and we grabbed our things to head back to his place so we could finish sleeping in, shell-shocked as we were. From then on, sleepovers were always at his place.

A month and a half had gone by, the other two guys had been let go cuz the connections just weren't there for any of us.. and boy had become the front-runner accidentally. Suddenly I realized I was comparing the others to him.. I caught myself many times being a goofy and dorky girl and thought, wow.. I can really just be myself and it's ok. This is so comfortable. There was also, maybe, some sort of rush happening every time I saw him.. It was still casual, but friends were being introduced, various party dates were being scheduled, lives seemed to be slowly intertwining a bit more.

He liked my spoon ring, the funky shoes that no one else did, and he always said I knew how to get around the city better than anyone he knew. I marveled at his not-gay affinity for musicals and how his hands were always cold.. and there was a level of intimacy created by silly and dirty text messages sent between us. We talked about trips to Vancouver together, toothbrushes and saline solution were left at his place, cute grandpa-type golf caps were borrowed for lengthy periods of time, sick and injured days were addressed with affection and needed care packages, and my favorite, pet names were applied randomly. He became Sparky and I was either Sparkly or later, Babygirl - which I think of as one word cuz it felt like my name and thusly, weakened my knees every time he said it..

As Christmas rolled nearer, we dressed up for parties and he couldn't have been a more perfect date.. he was affectionate and adoring, made sure I was ok at all times at his party, was friendly and entertaining at mine and for me this was special since I haven't had someone to dote on, or vice versa, at holiday time in forever. Since he rather spoiled me by surprising me with paying off the gorgeous dress and necklace I'd put on hold for said holiday parties, I tried my best to spoil him back. One gift was just a scarf to replace the one he'd lost recently and I gave it to him before he left for his trip home to the east coast for Christmas. He's not good at keeping scarves for lengthy amounts of time and he thought for a while he'd lost mine, but it turned up at his father's. Dad sent it back safely. I think that's a record for him for scarf-keeping time and I just thought it was cute.

He was gone for about nine days and we talked a lot, which surprised me. But at some point, we had a heavy conversation about love. It wasn't exactly word for word, but there was enough talking around it for him to know I was feeling it and for me to know he wasn't. And probably wouldn't ever. There was one night tho, his office Christmas party, he almost told me.. but he realized, having too much to drink, he probably shouldn't say something he may not feel except for in that particular moment.. and he was right.. on both counts. I knew that night that I'd fallen for him, but also thought saying anything would be the cause of our demise and I wasn't ready for that yet.

So while he was away, casual chat moved into something serious when I said I wished he could tell me how he felt about me cuz I really didn't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for clarification at times, but this probably wasn't the best choice of opportunities - a totally girly move and I wish now I would've just left it as it was. But we decided to talk about it and tho he didn't feel the way I did, I'm the one who said it was ok.. let's keep going.. why should we ruin something that's practically perfect just cuz we think we should and then be sad after? 99.9% of what we had was great.. we had fun, we were happy, we could be complete goofs together, and the sex was passionate and sweet or sometimes just a flurry of removing clothes as quickly as possible, which cracked us up a lot and that's how it should've been.. it was silly and hot. But the boyfriend/girlfriend label was still just used as a convenience cuz he wasn't interested in being exclusive. He still wanted the option to see other people even tho he wasn't and hadn't since we'd started seeing each other. There just seemed to be a goal he was working on maintaining for himself and whether I understood or not, I thought I should respect that. I thought whatever we had, as nameless as it was, would be enough for me.

New year's was spent on the phone back and forth, laughing at drunkenness throughout the day and figuring out when to call across the timezones. Tho he was at the other end of the country, I still felt like he was close. I missed him and he made the effort to let me know he missed me too and that he was there at whatever midnight we could have together.. even if he was barely standing.

We had a good couple of days together upon his return tho there were times it seemed he was processing everything I was saying and doing into a subconscious checklist that wasn't in my favor. I was getting on his nerves and he blurted out a few things here and there that tho under the strain of being tired or hungry, I thought still held some truth. He apologized right away and he may not have meant them.. but he didn't want this. I could tell. He couldn't deny for much longer he was in a relationship.. open or not.. casual or not so. We'd become a couple by accident and we'd finished the coasting of the honeymoon stage, the plateauing seemed to begin, and a little work would be required to keep us moving. This was his conflict - cuz to work at something would mean it mattered.. not that I didn't, but not to the same degree he mattered to me and he didn't want to confuse me. I think he also wanted the easiness of something casual and at three months into it, we may not have been 'serious', but we weren't casual anymore either. Going backwards just seemed silly to me, but I didn't want it to be over. I started to think we were postponing the inevitable, but I couldn't be the one to pull away.. and I just thought we could last a bit longer than the end of this week, but I was clearly wrong about that. Neither of us could really make the decision right away cuz tho the negative stuff seemed to be looming over us, the positives were still going strong.. they just didn't hold much weight any longer.. and as the night wore on, we both knew he couldn't do this anymore.

I don't know how to write about hurt other than to say I have it, it's disabling at times, leaves me with irritatingly swollen eyes from crying an ocean or two, and I wish it would go. But without it, it would say I never cared and he never mattered and that's hardly the case here. Life continues, it is what it is, and I believe strongly hope always remains. The hard part is feeling the only person who can console you is the one person who's let you go..

I have no regrets. This has been a lovely, lovely three months and tho that's a joke of an amount of time to many people I'm sure, I just know I was really happy for a little while.. and boy deserves a lot of the credit for bringing that to my life. So as he walks away, which was a hard decision, but it's the right one for both of us in the long run, goddamn it, I deserve to mourn us a little.

Three months is still progress for me as far as my dating records as of recent years. And boy is a good guy, really.. he's so many good things, but was remarkably honest, which is so hard to find, ever so positive and patient, just an immensely cute and genuinely good person who was to me, quite disarming. We're in different places and want different things and don't get me wrong, this fuckin hurts right now.. but I'm so glad I met him. I'm glad we tried. That's all you can do. Nothing's ever guaranteed.

In the meantime I know I should be honest about what I want and that I deserve someone who's crazy about me in a way that's so unstoppable that my imperfections and annoying habits are actually endearing. Yes, I know, that's going to be a hard person to find.. don't think I don't know that.. but anything less than that is unacceptable.

My always-always-there-for-me friends, Jen, Fatima, Andrew, Keith, Kari, Kam, Abby, and Loren to name a few, to whom I'm eternally grateful for the unconditional love and support they bestow upon me, keep reminding me it's good to risk and have a heart as big as mine and that I'm perfect the way I am and that I'm incredibly lovable and they know, unlike me, that there's at least one other person, as of yet unknown, but who does exist, who will scream to the rafters that he agrees with them.. one day.

Til then, please excuse me while I get drunk.