It’s Friday and the vacation week has hardly registered that it’s the standard end of the usual work week when every day here has felt like a wide-open and unplanned Saturday.
The last few days have been easy and enjoyable with no deadlines and no timeframes to feel pressured to meet. And tho communication with Seattle friends has been limited to sending picture messages and video clips simply rubbing in the beauty of the coast and my vacation while they are working, Pixie found herself in my vacation neighborhood on Wednesday.
She whisked me away after meeting the aunts, uncles and miniature cousin on a short afternoon trip to Manzanita – the hippie junction of the Oregon Coast, we discovered. We wandered tourist-trappy shops, searched for a café with wireless internet as I was needing a fix, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable.. and then we topped it off with grilled veggie sandwiches that were to-die-for and a bit of ice cream and maybe a taste of a decadent brownie before we headed back to my family to join them for dinner, conversation and cribbage.
Thursday morning, Pix took off after a quick bite to adventure on her own for the rest of her vacation and I headed in the other direction to Cannon Beach to find my own solace before my mom arrived. I found a charming café with wireless for the small price of a limonata and apple muffin and off I was back in the world of The Connected.
Three hours later, I ventured back to the house with supplies in tow for the brood because I wanted to be helpful (and I couldn’t validate that much time on the computer without doing so mind you), Mom and her husband arrived shortly thereafter..... and things sort of went downhill from there.
Of course it’s not that terrible. We all have our moments of regression with our parents – or I imagine you all do when it’s probably only me who’s left metaphorically stomping feet these days - and when I don’t see Mom for long periods of time, it just takes a simple lack of her saying an immediate ‘hello’, this dark cloud moves over me and I feel overwhelmingly unloved. Oh the tragedy! But a bit of misunderstanding is normal with us and then someone breaks the communication ice and forces an explanation of the well-I-thought-you-were-reading-and-ignoring-me and then there are hugs and the of-course-I-love-you-silly’s and all is [sheepishly] forgotten, appropriate age of the only resident 35-year-old restored.. ahem.
Still, sometimes I just forget how to be a grown up around my mom and hence, the rest of my family. I claim I’m adult and act that way in my professional life and most of the time around my friends, but when there is tension with relatives, I forget that discussion is always the best solution and revert to being pouty, cool and selfish, words are short but hang in the air with a bite, and people are left a bit stung.
Pixie had waffled on whether or not she wanted to head home today or tomorrow and I convinced her s’more making was imminent and her attendance was required. She came exuberant and prepared for the day and even readily accepted the last minute assigned position of Chief Engineer to Maeve’s impromptu Sand Castle Condo Project. Oh, she had ideas and they were executed brilliantly. After construction completed, quite ahead of schedule I’d say, we bathed our sandy selves in the sun and chatted with one of my twin 17-year-old cousins, Abby, that had arrived the night before who had made her way down to the beach to hang with the bikini clad.
Now, I used to live on the coast just south of here.. and I still have friends nearby I wanted to see. I sort of thought I could fit everyone in during this visit of seven gorgeously unplanned days because that is what I do with my time in Seattle normally. But when I said that Pix would stay another night AND that this old friend and her two children were joining for the next afternoon to see me, one of my aunts visibly became uncomfortable and I realized clearly, I’d stepped over a line.
In retrospect, I should’ve asked. This really was qualified as Family Time and I wasn’t helping to protect that. I seemed ungrateful and as tho I was taking advantage.. and looking at it, I see that I acted like a teenager so I shouldn’t have been surprised that I was talked to like one. But I did shut down, became defensive and passive aggressive later.. and basically, just sort of a brat. I mean, I know how to fight with my mom.. I’ve done it forever and tho it’s completely dysfunctional, that's how we are. My other relatives aren’t part of that broken-ness. They are still parents and make mistakes, but they talk to their kids, they admit where they go wrong when they realize it and call their kids on their crap when they see that too, but mostly in a productive manner. Hi.. I am SO not used to that.
So Pix left, very graciously, an apologetic phone call to my girlfriend who lives south was made taking back the invite I never should’ve offered – and it took til the next night to really fix that with my aunt because I was embarrassed, felt ashamed for acting like a child.. and also, because I felt so awkward at not knowing how to reach out and fix it. I knew she loved me and wasn't angry, but there was part of me who didn’t believe either of those things at all, which was ridiculous.*
The whole thing made me realize I still have so much to work on as a person. I am really flawed, which is ok. It's why people walk away tho.. and some move in closer.. and some don't know what to think other than I'm annoying. Sometimes I think I'm so old.. but I act like such a bratty kid. I feel young and about 26.. but I'm four and a half years short of 40 people.. really.. it feels like something in my life should be much more established and I should've figured things out by now, but I'm still wandering, still trying to figure out where I need work, what I've learned and how not to make the same mistakes.
I think falling into a nap while reading a good book in the sun sounds like the best way to cure these vacation ills.. This growing up stuff is really exhausting!
The last few days have been easy and enjoyable with no deadlines and no timeframes to feel pressured to meet. And tho communication with Seattle friends has been limited to sending picture messages and video clips simply rubbing in the beauty of the coast and my vacation while they are working, Pixie found herself in my vacation neighborhood on Wednesday.
She whisked me away after meeting the aunts, uncles and miniature cousin on a short afternoon trip to Manzanita – the hippie junction of the Oregon Coast, we discovered. We wandered tourist-trappy shops, searched for a café with wireless internet as I was needing a fix, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable.. and then we topped it off with grilled veggie sandwiches that were to-die-for and a bit of ice cream and maybe a taste of a decadent brownie before we headed back to my family to join them for dinner, conversation and cribbage.Thursday morning, Pix took off after a quick bite to adventure on her own for the rest of her vacation and I headed in the other direction to Cannon Beach to find my own solace before my mom arrived. I found a charming café with wireless for the small price of a limonata and apple muffin and off I was back in the world of The Connected.
Three hours later, I ventured back to the house with supplies in tow for the brood because I wanted to be helpful (and I couldn’t validate that much time on the computer without doing so mind you), Mom and her husband arrived shortly thereafter..... and things sort of went downhill from there.
Of course it’s not that terrible. We all have our moments of regression with our parents – or I imagine you all do when it’s probably only me who’s left metaphorically stomping feet these days - and when I don’t see Mom for long periods of time, it just takes a simple lack of her saying an immediate ‘hello’, this dark cloud moves over me and I feel overwhelmingly unloved. Oh the tragedy! But a bit of misunderstanding is normal with us and then someone breaks the communication ice and forces an explanation of the well-I-thought-you-were-reading-and-ignoring-me and then there are hugs and the of-course-I-love-you-silly’s and all is [sheepishly] forgotten, appropriate age of the only resident 35-year-old restored.. ahem.
Still, sometimes I just forget how to be a grown up around my mom and hence, the rest of my family. I claim I’m adult and act that way in my professional life and most of the time around my friends, but when there is tension with relatives, I forget that discussion is always the best solution and revert to being pouty, cool and selfish, words are short but hang in the air with a bite, and people are left a bit stung.
Pixie had waffled on whether or not she wanted to head home today or tomorrow and I convinced her s’more making was imminent and her attendance was required. She came exuberant and prepared for the day and even readily accepted the last minute assigned position of Chief Engineer to Maeve’s impromptu Sand Castle Condo Project. Oh, she had ideas and they were executed brilliantly. After construction completed, quite ahead of schedule I’d say, we bathed our sandy selves in the sun and chatted with one of my twin 17-year-old cousins, Abby, that had arrived the night before who had made her way down to the beach to hang with the bikini clad.
Now, I used to live on the coast just south of here.. and I still have friends nearby I wanted to see. I sort of thought I could fit everyone in during this visit of seven gorgeously unplanned days because that is what I do with my time in Seattle normally. But when I said that Pix would stay another night AND that this old friend and her two children were joining for the next afternoon to see me, one of my aunts visibly became uncomfortable and I realized clearly, I’d stepped over a line.
In retrospect, I should’ve asked. This really was qualified as Family Time and I wasn’t helping to protect that. I seemed ungrateful and as tho I was taking advantage.. and looking at it, I see that I acted like a teenager so I shouldn’t have been surprised that I was talked to like one. But I did shut down, became defensive and passive aggressive later.. and basically, just sort of a brat. I mean, I know how to fight with my mom.. I’ve done it forever and tho it’s completely dysfunctional, that's how we are. My other relatives aren’t part of that broken-ness. They are still parents and make mistakes, but they talk to their kids, they admit where they go wrong when they realize it and call their kids on their crap when they see that too, but mostly in a productive manner. Hi.. I am SO not used to that.
So Pix left, very graciously, an apologetic phone call to my girlfriend who lives south was made taking back the invite I never should’ve offered – and it took til the next night to really fix that with my aunt because I was embarrassed, felt ashamed for acting like a child.. and also, because I felt so awkward at not knowing how to reach out and fix it. I knew she loved me and wasn't angry, but there was part of me who didn’t believe either of those things at all, which was ridiculous.*
The whole thing made me realize I still have so much to work on as a person. I am really flawed, which is ok. It's why people walk away tho.. and some move in closer.. and some don't know what to think other than I'm annoying. Sometimes I think I'm so old.. but I act like such a bratty kid. I feel young and about 26.. but I'm four and a half years short of 40 people.. really.. it feels like something in my life should be much more established and I should've figured things out by now, but I'm still wandering, still trying to figure out where I need work, what I've learned and how not to make the same mistakes.
I think falling into a nap while reading a good book in the sun sounds like the best way to cure these vacation ills.. This growing up stuff is really exhausting!
*GOD I should become a therapist so I can REALLY psycho-analyze myself and figure out why I do this shit.. honestly!
4 comments:
Dammit - move over on that beach blanket, toots. I'm scooting in closer. *wink*
Ultimately, I think you're aunt determined it should be family time because she didn't want to see her own husband cry like a girl when I beat him at cribbage. That's all. Quite simple really.
xo
Er, I meant "your aunt"...
Nice travel blog(s) and pictures...I miss the OR coast.
Don't feel silly, my dear. We all have those kinds of relationships with our parents. Frankly, I'd be more worried about the un-named friend whom you uninvited and her mood. Yikes! You are more courageous than I.
In any case, I'm glad you're exploring dysfunctional patterns with your family. It can only get better from here. Love you!
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