[An Overthought] Love Poem

I want to be chosen. I want to be pursued. I want to be the priority. I want to be ached for, desired, and loved for me. I want to be needed. I want to be adored, cherished, and protected. Above all others. The most. More than anyone else ever in his past. Because he wants to. Not because he feels obligated. Not because there is no one else. Because I am me. Because I'm the right person. Because I make him laugh. Because he's drawn for reasons that are more than he thinks I'm pretty. But also, in addition to that. Even out of the shower, hair astray. Or in the shower, soap in my eyes, no mystery left.

But there is no choosing. There is just now. It is what it is and there is no name for that. Sometimes that is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes I understand and want to allow for more space. Sometimes I don't know why I feel like I need things to be rushed. Or maybe I'm not rushing. I just want. And the want makes me insist that things happen now. Or soon. Or eventually. But really, does it matter when? Does it even matter if? If I'm not that person. If none of that happens. But if there's a relationship that happens anyway and over time, but that time doesn't equal forever or ‛as long as we both shall live' or whichever is less or whichever is more, does that make it less valid or less acceptable or less what I want?

I want the day to day. The boring of the same old thing. The settled feeling that you can fight and he will still be there tomorrow because what you have matters more than the argument. The stability of reliance when good news needs celebrated and bad news requires a shoulder. Dates for friends' weddings, for birthdays, for New Year's Eve, for Valentine's. A cohort during boring holiday functions for work or family. A sense of ‛we' and still a sense of individuality. Not a single unit, but a partnership that has a force of unity driving it. The person who not only calls you on what you still need to work on, but helps you with that process.

Your balance. Your sounding board. The opinion that matters most. Your emergency contact. The person you kiss goodnight. Every night. Your family. Your shining light at the end of a dark day. The heart that's strong enough to shelter your hopes and dreams and protects you from your fears.

The heart that houses your heart. Because it wants to.

Someone who is yours. Because he wants to be. And so he is.

Holiday Listing

Oh people.. have you noticed that the holiday madness has begun?! I've only witnessed a handful of jewelry commercials thus far, but already, I'm nauseaus not only from their jingles but the continuous pressure of their philosophy that you are simply not loved enough - ergo at all - UNLESS someone gives you diamonds! That, in turn, accompanies the other school of thought that you can't possibly prove your love for someone unless you buy them diamonds as well. And we aren't talking cubic zirconia my friends. No, no we are not.

Also, I was driving up Queen Anne hill Monday night and I saw not one, not two, but THREE fully decorated and lit CHRISTMAS TREES in windows! WTF? Do they not know the rule? Are they new?? I don't get it. It isn't even Thanksgiving yet! You just don't put out your tree til the day after and that's at the earliest. I mean.. of all the nerve.. skewing the whole established process. Clearly these people have too much time on their hands because I have a tree too! I do. You all saw it last year. It's tiny and silver and made of like.. aluminum or something cuz it bends and it's just wee, but I haven't put it out, which would take all of 6.3 seconds including decoration, because IT'S JUST WRONG.. and, well.. I have no time to do anything like that. I'm even behind on blogging and blog reading, which of course, is the more important of these tasks.. but STILL! THE OUTRAGE! THE TRAGEDY OF IT ALL!

So I am taking it one day at a time and not jumping to December 25th before the turkey's even carved this week. However, it's not like I'm not being realistic about it. I do know there are only three paychecks before Christmas, which means since I've not done any shopping ahead of time, that a little frugality will have to be employed - also, I just decided I'm giving my mother cash. She can't stick that in a closet for a year and never wear it, right? Or leave it in the envelope it came in and forget about it after it's left or lost in a drawer somewhere like any of the many gift certificates I've given her for spa treatments, manicures, etc. Oh no. Cash talks. Cash walks. It practically slaps you in the face with its screaming of 'I'm the best present EVER!'

I sort of wish everyone was like my grandmother tho. She's always telling us not to get her anything because she's old and will die soon. Um.. thanks Gram. That's.. cheery.

So because the holiday is approaching, I thought a list would be appropriate because honestly, I barely have time to pack and get going on this eternal drive south I have to do tonight. I also had a date Monday night after I went to the gym, which was vital to my plan of attempting to counteract all the eating and not moving that is also planned this weekend. Loren and I had a best friend belated birthday date where we ate all the best fish in the whole wide world so lovingly prepared at my friend, Dan's, restaurant, Matt's In The Market and since we never spend time together unless I force him to share birthday parties with me, we languished over decadent food and good conversations.

And here we are today, where I have to mentally prepare myself to spend Five. Whole. Days. with my family and all their little dogs.. and shopping at the crack-of-ass dawn the day after thru manic crowds of people buying unnecessary things, waving their credit cards like zombies.. Ok.. that might be a little bit fun, especially if I come back with a cute little sweater number or something for me. Seriously, baby needs a new turtleneck.

Ok.. ANYWAY. Listing.. Go!

* Boys boys and more boys. Liking a couple, trying not to fall for one specifically and hoping I can live in the moment a bit longer.. but egads, it's tough when you'd rather have one person all to yourself because it's certainly not unreasonable to think you deserve someone who knows what he wants and part of that is him wanting only you. I hate being that girl who's waiting. Pfffft. That's how I feel about that.

* Work has been stressful in uber amounts. Not enough people, not enough time, everything rushed. My boss is frustrating, change is hard, and I have no idea how these new positions are going to improve anything. No one believes it will. I guess we'll see come December 1st when the re-org hits. I'm bracing myself. I am braced.

* Do you know that Shine is the best baker on the planet? You probably don't. But I'm going to tell you. She made two loaves of banana bread last week and ohmygod. Seriously, best I've ever had. She, of course, thought it bland and in need of nutmeg. I denounced that idea right there, I did! I bet her baking skills alone could bring about world peace. I mean, really, how can you bomb a building when you're sitting there raving about baked goods? I ask you..

* I was just wondering.. what do you think Britney will be thankful for this year? That she was one of the only celebrities who didn't end up in jail? But just barely.

* I bet you can't guess how many movies I'm going to be forced to watch this weekend. I bet you can't.. so I'll help you. My guess is.. 73. This includes every animated feature by Disney and Pixar most likely. True story. The damn tv is on all the time at Mom's house and with all the family there and 85 kids and grandkids and someone else's kids it will be unavoidable. If I go blind by the end of this weekend, you'll know why.

* Cheese, wine and bread are pretty much my winter staples. Do you know these are fattening? This should be against the law. Who do I have to write? Who do I email? Is there a congressman or a senator? Maybe one who's preferably drunk and chewing on a bit of olive bread with brie on it? I'm just saying.

* Ok ok. I guess I should list what I'm thankful for, but I sort of did it on my birthday post: My friends (you all know who you are - and most don't read this blog anyway.. ahem), my family, a roof over my head, my cute kitty, the love I feel around me, the ability to give that love back freely, the perspective to keep seeing my mistakes and trying to prevent how I can stop making them in the first place, my fabulous new roomie, Shine and her dog, Moo, and um.. bread, wine and cheese! What? I'm thankful for them so very much! I really am!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend filled with family and friends and fantastic food. I will raise a spoonful of my cranberry sauce in toast to you all!

Curtain Call

So the first week of 36 has been a whirlwind of activity. I've come home exhausted every night this week from something and the days have been long and filled with fantasies of napping. Seriously.

Birthday recovery evolved to a a night out on the town on Tuesday to see Into The Woods with Shine, that tho it's our favorite musical, was only a lukewarm production. That touch of disappointment was quickly replaced with a high level of stress and almost tears while trying to create programs for MonoLodge III, the show I'm producing for Unicycle, which in turn did nothing to prevent the combo rush of adrenaline and anger over a co-worker's nose-butting where it didn't belong and consequently a very long discussion with HR today. Yes, aren't you just exhausted from reading about it? Yet, the bonus - and I mean that literally - is that there will be a promotion with a subsequent title change, the programs turned out beautifully with only one teensy misspelling of someone's name, but Shine helped me get them done for free - a double good thing - and the rest of the weekend is looking rather hopeful.

The show opens tonight amidst much excitement. I've no doubt it's going to be a success because it's already run smoother than the last two they've put together. I had a lovely chat with one of the founders last night about how they'd like me to continue to be involved, produce again if I'd like, and how we should all sit down to discuss future roles and ideas and actually, what I'd like to see come out of it for me. It's been a long time since someone asked me what I wanted - really wanted - out of something.. and I didn't have an answer at the time, but it felt really good to be asked.

I also reached a very comfortable understanding with all the over-thinking I was doing regarding all these boys. I really did just forget how to live moment to moment and once I stopped freaking out remembered, things sort of fell into a lovely space of getting to know the two men who currently have my curiosity piqued.

Boris and I started out as friends, but we had a fairly magnetic chemistry from the second we met back in March. We had no choice but to be friends if we wanted to know each other because he wasn't single at the time and tho we did hang out, friendship was all it was. So when that relationship did actually end, to my surprise, there was a bit of confusion and drunken evenings and space taken til I finally just decided that I'd rather be with him however we could figure it out than not at all. So because of all that, I think we're a pretty natural couple. There's a great sense of just genuinely liking each other. I make him laugh. He brings me zen. That seems to bode well so far.

The Actor and I met thru mutual theatre friends.. very casually a few different times after various improv shows, drinks in hand. A few Facebook messages here and there and there I was out with him on a date and tho I wasn't sure he was exactly my type, he was suddenly cute, new.. kind.. but kind of just friendly. After a few more of these, I finally just had to ask if we were really dating cuz honestly, I wasn't sure. He, of course, confirmed that we were so I had a better idea. But he's busier than I am and we aren't seeing each other very often. It forces patience, which = good, tho it does keep us from getting to know each other in a more steadier fashion. When we do see each other, we have a good time, but it's just different than time with Boris. The Actor and I aren't yet as close, but who knows how that will change in time.

Both the men in my life as well as my group of friends completely spoiled me for my birthday. I felt wrapped in a glowing circle of love and affection like I haven't felt in years. I couldn't stop smiling. There was candlelight and drinks at the party, cake that was none like you've ever tasted - Loren had to get one each for both of us, carrot for him and Mexican chocolate for me - many drinks and many pictures. Then there was a dash downtown for some last-minute seats to improv which had the remainder of the party goers ending the night in laughter. The next night The Actor took me to a lovely dinner where we never actually ordered anything. It just all arrived at the table because he knew the semolier. It was rather glorious. Boris is also taking me to one of my favorite plays, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, next week.

I am constantly noticing how as I get older I'm more and more aware of every passing minute, of everything I still have yet to work on, of how things actually are sort of coming together - career, creativity, comfort, a sense of identity.. love. I feel like I'm making better choices, not stumbling so much, and trying to appreciate every little thing I can - friends, family, events, memories made. I've always been detailed, as you all have to know, but as I try to take in everything going on, I find it's sometimes harder to let go of them too. I hope I look back when I'm old and gray and recognize that I really lived, I really loved with everything I had, and I truly know who I am. I think I'm finally on the path that will get me there.. and it feels really good.

36 Happens

Hey you guys - um.. guess what? Did you know you can't stay 35 forever? Ok, well, I knew it too. Just testing you.

So hey, the last year has gone so fast.. hasn't it? Is it true that as you get older, time goes by faster? Or do you just forget that time actually passed?

Anyway.. HI! I was born THIS DAY! Let's focus on that! MY BIRTHDAY! YAY!

And over the course of this year.. I've learned stuff, right? I think I have.. so let's recap maybe.

* Last fall, Boz, my last ex, and I weren't even friends. Now we are. Pretty decent ones, actually. Not for lack of effort, that's for sure. But we chat, have fun together, celebrate birthdays. I like it. I think that's improvement.

* Jump to this last spring when a close girlfriend emailed me and told me we couldn't be friends anymore for reasons still unknown to me.. and in about 10 minutes, I learned how to instantly stop caring for someone I dearly loved.

* I took a trip to Black Rock City, Nevada for Burning Man with my good friend, Pixie. Something I really wasn't sure I'd ever do in my life, but she inspired me, tolerated me, made me feel a bit brave and a lot more proud of myself for camping an entire week in a dusty lake bed. It opened my eyes to new things and new people and gave us an experience that bonded us closer. I love that we'll always have that.

* There are actually times I don't interrupt people when they're talking - my customers, my friends.. I know! It's crazy! And shockingly, I'm not sure anyone has noticed.

* Unbelievably, other than the second point, and I let that go the moment I knew it was gone, there's been little to no drama this entire year. In fact, I know of some drama I was indirectly involved in and I actually stayed out of it! Yup, I know. You can pick your mouths up from off the floor now.

* In addition to not interrupting as much, I listen better, I'm more positive, I feel stronger and sometimes even smarter. I kick ass at Scrabble these days.

* I made two major purchases last year that made me so happy: My Mac that I LOOOOOVE and has consequently caused much more computer-addiction, but that's ok. I'm a COMMUNICATOR! It was necessary. Also, there was a shocking wake up call and a sad goodbye to the severely destroyed Focus due to last year's winter storm in December but that only led to the purchase of my current beauty, my shiny and zoom zoomy Mazda 3 that I love love love. We call her Miss Daisy because I drive her. She rocks.

* I'm not a lot closer with my family than I used to be, but it's better and it's so nice to see them so much happier these last years than they have been. Or maybe it's the way we're treating each other. I think we're all becoming friends and it's a nice transition.

* I'm a lot more comfortable with myself these days - with my goofiness, my body, my emotional capacity. I'm more myself now than I was last year - than any year before - calmer in some ways, happier in others. I accept not everyone will take to liking me, loving me, having any affinity for me whatsoever a lot more readily than I used to. Hey.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea.. and that's really ok. That kind of popularity's a bitch.

* I watched my niece, Lulu, turn 1 and start to look more like her mother every day as she demolished her birthday cake and wiped it all over her party dress. She walks now and last time I saw her, she walked right over to me and motioned for me to pick her up and sit her in my lap. My heart grows two sizes every time she smiles at me.

* I feel blessed. I have great friends, a great new roommate and a happy home, a job that isn't sucking the life out of me and in which I may be promoted in a month, enough affection to keep me smiling and secure and feeling a sense of being cared for.

* Also this morning, Miss Shine got up before me, which was unusual, I got in the shower and when I came out, there was a bouquet of daisies on the table and four big mylar balloons - three stars and a bigger silver one that says 'Happy Birthday' waiting for me. Um.. also also, there maybe even were Cinnabon cinnamon rolls in the oven! FOR ME! THEN she served one up, all toasty warm with a candle in it and sang me her family's special birthday song! Aren't you frickin jealous?! You still can't have her, in case you forgot. I think she might be one of the best birthday gifts this year.

I've lived this year. A lot more ups than downs, which I think depends on how you look at it all. This was a pretty good year. Mostly, I remember smiling a lot.

So I'll officially be 36 at 10:58pm tonight and will raise a plastic glass filled with something alcoholic just before Spin The Bottle starts, where my friends and I will be tonight, and I'll wish myself another good year that doesn't fall in my lap, but rather that I make happen. I did it this year. I consciously asked the universe to provide happiness and strength, but I made a deal that if the opportunities were presented, good or bad, I would roll with either and make lemonade out of the lemons, find the silver lining in the dark clouds.. or any other cliché as long as the universe worked with me and not against me. Course it could've just been that my perspective changed a little too.

That's right people.. it's called growth. Whoo hoo! I'll take another year of that please!