Love Is Like A Great Sale, Isn't It? Ok, A Great Sale At Goodwill Then..

Please don't hate me people.. I've been a horrible blogger and an even more horrible blog reader. Like.. I have no energy to write or read and all I want to do when I come home from work, if I've gone to the gym and worked out all the aggression it created in me during the day, is just make some dinner, veg out in front of Jon Stewart, and avoid thinking about going back to the office the next day. Weekends are my solace for cleaning - CLEANING! I'd rather clean than go to work! Or write about what's going on there because it seems it's taking over my life and that's what I write about.. what's going on in my life, right? You know this.. this is what I do. And I'm not prone to lying on my blog.. not usually anyway. And it seems my brain is so wiped out mentally from trying to focus and prioritize and not stress the fuck out and go postal on everyone that I have no sense of creativity left and even writing something as much as a fun list eludes me. How desolate has my life become with no blogging? I ask you, how?! I'll tell you. Very.

And you my 4 or 5 readers say to this.. wow.. she's not funny anymore. Where did the funny go? She should try being more funny.. and this is not it. No. No it's not. It's just sad. And you click on over to my friends and other links and even the gossip on Britney and you say, YES! This is MUCH better.. ahh. Because it is, let's be honest, and you breathe your sigh of relief that my tedious unfunnyness is not within your eyesight anymore and you hope that next week I'll fix it and this will all be a bad memory.

I hope the same thing.

Jesus. Let me be funnier, ok? Along with thinner, prettier, more successful, all that.. but funnier first.. entertaining. I'm nothing if not an attention whore, but you know, in a good way. Right? You know this, right? Alright.. that's all I got. Amen.

It's not like I'm unhappy overall. I'm happy. Just not at work. And I really don't want to talk about work. I can talk about my life outside of it, that's not a problem. We can just suffice it to say that work = stress and also = difficult to get thru every day, but otherwise, it should get better. Eventually. Let's hope anyway. Yes, let's hope that together, shall we?

So outside of work has been good. Great even. For example, Saturday: I skipped showering because I planned to get my hair cut. I don't know if this logic makes sense to you, but it does to me. Got breakfast with Miss Shine at Noah's and had not one, but two cups of coffee.. so I then felt like I needed a little bit more of a treat-myself type day and decided to get that long overdue pedicure I've been needing. A bright shiny red and a pretty flower on each big toe did the trick. Wandered over to the boutique just next door and bought myself a gorgeous cropped grey velvet jacket to wear that night when I went out with Kat and some other burners to get down with our bad selves. Was it on sale? Yes! Was it on 20% more sale when I paid for it? Um.. yeah! Clearly awesome day.

The boy thing has been crazy. Crazy and good and I'm bracing myself for the judgy here because I'm going to tell you that Boris and I are not really over like I thought we were. Like I told him we were. Like I told myself and all of you. I'm not so strong when it comes to willpower people. Also, I'm obviously a lying liarpants. All over the place..

It is what it is. That's what I'm going with. I'm calling it the Non-relationship Relationship, or NRR for short, and he even knows I'm calling it that.. and there were laughs.. and yet we sleep like snakes all entwined together and there is much fun and talking and laughing and long adoring looks and madly passionate kisses and all the affection I could want.. and yeah, like you, I don't know what the fuck the problem is, I'll give you that, but I'm not the one with the issue about it. There is love.. in both directions. That's not in question. What kind? Don't know.. but I know it's something for me that's not so insane anymore that I need to know what's going on every second or that I need to know where I stand. Cuz I know. Plans are made often, movies out are rearranged to movies in with more wine and less movie watching than one would think, we talk like close friends, talk like closer lovers later.. and honestly, it's lovely.

Maybe I'm not meant to have traditional romantic relationships. Maybe I'm not asking the Universe for the right things in the right way. Maybe I've been going about things all wrong. Maybe there's a different way. So.. there it is.

Am I waiting? God, I hope not. Not actively anyway.. and he knows there are other interested parties, which he casually asks about now and then and we have the talk about how he feels and what he would do.. and he wants me to be happy and I currently am and then I kiss him and after a few moments when he's still digesting the feeling of that and his eyes are closed and our faces are so close to each other we can feel the warmth from the other's skin, I ask him sweetly with a coy smile, 'Now where are you going to find a girl who looks after you like I do and kisses like that?' Silence from him.. and then, 'Um.. I dunno. You're right,' with a slightly stunned look on his face.. and I say, 'I know,' because I sort of do.. and we share a long look and I think, maybe that sunk in.. and maybe it doesn't matter that it still means not now.. and he kisses me back and we drive back to my place and I put the moment away.

So that's the NRR.. and the other opportunity.. is more like a fantasy, but for real. I'll call him Raphael, because he's sort of like an angel. A tall, dark, Brazilian angel - complete with an accent and sometimes, small bits of broken English and our tattoos both mean the same thing. Yes, I can hear you breathing heavily already over there. And yes, he's pretty much that hot, so I won't stop you. It's warranted. He's also so sweet I can hardly stand it.. and comfortable with himself and he swims.. SWIMS! Do you know what a swimmer's body looks like?! I'm not asking.. I'm telling you.. if you don't know.. Jesus.. you should find out. Some of my favorites, that's all I'm saying.. and his?! Dear God. No exception. You have no idea.

That's new though.. and he's a fellow burner so when traveling in that group, we have more in common and friends who surround us who are great and fun and open. I like that energy. It's addicting. I have this comfort and ease I feel with Boris too because we just fit, as we both keep saying out loud every now and then.. like it's a new thought - like we're surprised sometimes.. and I feel a new sense of belonging even tho it's never discussed, just implied..

I know where I lean.. I also know how to maintain my own sense of self-preservation - even tho I know y'all are shaking your heads over there. But I haven't given up on what I want. I think there's just a more round-a-bout way that I'll get there.. the scenic route. Yes, the windy road with a few tourist traps.. and some lovely souvenirs on the way.