The Current State Of My Union

The hard part is over.

The truck was rented and returned. The boxes were packed and unloaded. The apartment was cleaned thoroughly and the keys to it, locked inside. I don't remember saying a quicker goodbye to anything. We were happy to have left it and moved on, a heavy sigh of relief exhaled from both Shine and me.

Our smaller, but happier home is cluttered, boxes await unpacking, things want to be organized and put away, art displayed, but it's still a matter of finding the time. Life hasn't stopped. Friends still call, social gatherings are still scheduled and planned for, obligations require our presence.. but it's happening slowly. It's all coming together..

Part of some weight is lifted. Moving is one of my least favorite things in the world. It caused some severe stress combined with the other variables going on. There were many points I thought I would crack and at least once where I did.. not that I was proud of it.. but it was inevitable. Shine has been a bright, little beacon of friendship and strength thru it all and I'm glad she didn't just give up and decide she was going to take Miss Moo and move somewhere else. I think she hates moving even more than I do cuz I was that bad. At least one of us always had her eye on the goal and kept reminding me we were almost there.

I'm in The Pit Of Unhappy at work these days. While I started counseling and had two sessions under my belt that really helped start to break down what was going on with me and around me, I relapsed the last 20 minutes of work last Monday when my boss and I didn't see eye to eye. He neglected to follow one of the many new processes he helped put into place, which caused me to overlook an order that needed to be entered. I could've handled it a number of ways that would've left him looking like the abuser of power that he is and me from looking like part of the problem.. however, shockingly, I chose none of those.

Because of my reaction - which was calm at first, but indignant and then escalated to something similar to stomping my feet all the way back to my desk and the equivalent of slamming the door in his face by refusing to continue the discussion that was clearly going so well - I was spoken to and verbally warned. My boss still had the audacity to say to me in our one on one the next day AND in following meetings with my lead, the HR woman, and HIS boss, 'You know, I'm the boss.. so I don't have to follow process. I mean, I know I should because things fall thru the cracks if I don't, but I don't have to if I don't want to. Also, if I don't, you should know that I probably have a good reason, but I just need you not to question me in that case. Just be open to the possibility. It's just gonna happen sometimes.. '

What world is it where people actually get to say that who aren't the President of the United States? I'm just saying..

This is why I talked to HR for an hour the day after my awesome warning. And thank God for my boss' boss because between him and HR.. my boss is looking pretty foolish and arrogant right now. I made a couple of poor choices in my reactions and my verbal will stick, for sure. That's not in question. I have things to work on and I will need to keep my head down and my work looking shiny and beyond stellar to get past this. But there were already things brewing when my little issues sort of steamrolled into the middle of things and pulled focus from who's head is really on the chopping block. So baby just has to be quiet and be patient.. and I think at least one head that isn't hers is going to roll eventually. Time will tell..

I've been busy with friends and lovers.. and whatever you call something inbetween that. Boz has become my rebound on nights when we go out as friends and somewhere during the evening the flirting starts and escalates in dark corners of any given room.. and the cab back to his place.. and it'd been over a year since we'd been together, but damn.. it's like riding a bike with that one. It was always the best thing about us. It was good to just be friends for that time because he finally figured out how to value me that way and we're solid enough now that there's just a little something extra between us. No hearts broken, good lovin had by all, and sleepy mornings of good memories from the night before. Works for me..

Boris is in and out of the picture. When he's busy with whatever is his latest distraction be it music or a social gathering or a new interest, I don't hear from him much. Out of no where, he'll be in contact again, an evening will be scheduled like when he came over last to keep me company and help make some progress on the arranging of furniture and unpacking.. and it was great. Just like old times.. and old habits.. man, they do die hard, don't they? He stayed over, it was innocent enough - honestly - but God, I miss him. I know he misses me too. But is it a guy thing or what when they start to say things that make you think they'd completely forgotten what it was like to be around you at all. You're back to being new again.. like a new toy they just discovered after having lost it under the bed. THERE you are! And after 10 minutes.. or say the next morning, whichever is first, they're out the door with a quick kiss goodbye and you have to put that stupid idea out of your head again. This is not what you want. You are not going to wait. He is never going to change. Let go, move on.. and still.. you have that nagging feeling that you're not quite over with each other yet. Be it right or wrong.. good or bad.. you know it. Not holding your breath.. but just waiting to see what happens next.

My friend, Eight, and I have been working out all our drama over instant message together during the week. He's my guy advisor.. and I'm the female point of view. We're both hung up on our exes tho he's involved with someone else currently, while my dating life looks like Death Valley on a good day. We seem to trade off when one of us has it bad and the other steps in to counsel as best s/he can. Then we randomly meet for lunch maybe once a week and I'm reminded of the chemistry between the two of us that I curbed while not being around him so often now that we don't have an art gala to plan anymore.

It's a serious crush. Whatever that means. It's maddening when I find myself feeling jealous for the most obvious reasons when the man has a girlfriend and is in no way even close to dating me.. like ever. This isn't news to him tho. We talk candidly and he knows my interest.. I know his as well, but he's quite popular and I don't compete with others - not well anyway. The timing is off, as is always the case with me. Somewhere on another plane we've decided we're probably a scorching couple.. that's clear. The tension is apparent and our energies are good together.. but damn if he doesn't make me nervous like a school girl who's got the hots for her professor. So til the timing aligns itself correctly, which is probably when flying cars will be invented since his unending drama with the female has quite a few participants as it is, I will just bide my time with our lunch dates and be satisfied with the daydreaming I do after we part. He leans in and gives me a warm and friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek and then I go back to my desk and try to work.. Oh the things that go thru my head afterwards I swear would make Heidi Fleiss blush...........

And with nothing really discussed tonight, I still feel better having written it all out. There's a process going on within me of nothing terribly new.. I mean, it's a purge of sorts, but I always feel like I'm in a state of that sort of flux, but there's this new edge I feel like I'm about to jump off of and I can only hope I land on something soft.. I have good friends around me and I just have to believe that I'm strong enough to make better choices with the opportunities in front of me.

Now if only this growing thing wasn't so hard, I'd do it all the time..

That Which Doesn't Kill You..

It starts in my arms.. this sensation of needing to stretch, of being uncomfortable. It moves to my shoulders and neck and down my back til it feels like it's moved outside my body but surrounds me in an invisible, suffocating bubble. I feel trapped, claustrophobic.. walls aren't closing in, but I do feel enclosed in something I have no strength to get out of - and I start to shut down.

I never know when it's going to happen, it just does. Seems to be most often when someone asks how I am or virtually leans in too close because they genuinely want to know if I'm ok - because they can see I'm not. Something isn't right. Something is extra quiet about me and for someone self-described as something this side of a hyper chihuahua, an internal and silent storm is not something I know how to hide or control and for those who know me well or well enough, it's noticeable.

Four to five hours of sleep a night has become the norm. Proper sleep eludes me only because my need to move towards that action is prevented by a petulant will that avoids it as long as possible. I don't even bother to fight that inner child who refuses to be bossed around by Reason and Obligation because I'm so tired. Not just from lack of sleep either - from an effort to try to find this recently lost identity, to hold onto the fleeting comfort of being in my own skin, to replace my confidence derailed by a broken heart and even more so, a broken spirit.

After an evening away from work, I feel my old self coming back. I smile more, I hear support from friends and listen to their perspective. We move on to happier topics, dinner, theatre sports and I laugh like I haven't in a week. I go to brunch on a grey day and wander up to Orcas Island with a friend and the dog and no agenda at all but just to get out of the city. And I wonder how long this cloud will come and go and if the weight of humilation and discouragement will eventually lift.

I sat at my cube last Monday morning - which will most likely be the pattern for all the next Monday's and every weekday to come for a while - and I felt punched in the stomach. I started checking emails and I was reminded how I've been cut off at the knees. My peer is now my lead, hesitant as he was to take the position, but he wasn't really given a choice. The word 'temporary' was thrown around a lot, but no estimated timeframe provided for when I would be reinstated, if ever. And I didn't believe they even thought it was possible because I was told I should've known better.. it was common sense.. regardless of the changes made or the lack of training.

Am I really an angry person? Am I so completely out of line? Was I unprofessional? Do I even know how to be any sort of leader? And if there's so much I still have yet to work on, is this the right environment for me to do that with all its disorganization and changes still yet to be made? Should I just quit and chalk it up to doing the best I could, knowing I was set up to fail and also, admittedly, failed myself? I mean, is it unreasonable for them to expect me to maintain any sense of motivation after this or should I (and can I even) take this as a hard lesson learned, suck it up, and show them not only can I repair my failings, but I can change my tarnished image regardless of what I see as poor leadership on their part as well?

I'm not saying I'm blameless in this situation. I have a mountain of work to do. It's daunting really. I honestly don't know how to break it down, tho I know it's something behavioral that I learned growing up. Can I blame my family? Sometimes I do, but it's my focus to correct those teachings learned from dysfunction and an unhappy marriage. An angry father, a passive-aggressive mother, a struggle in me always needing to speak my mind and the constant battle between my father and I for who would have the last word because Mom probably already left the argument and wasn't speaking to at least one of us.

So in order to start really working to rid myself of my own personal demons, I started counseling. Does that sound better than therapy? I think it sounds less.. clinical maybe.. a little softer.. with more hugs involved or something. And I thought I would cry thru every session so far because I feel broken everywhere, which includes lots of self-pity wallowing, frustration over anything, mental and physical exhaustion from trying to watch what I say, fighting the urge to speak without thinking and acknowledging the powerlessness in my current position. But I just talked. And she listened. And lo and behold! She provided validation! Not that she let me off easy.. but I'm not the first person to make a mistake. Nor the last. And I'll certainly make more so hey, welcome to the human race.

I feel lighter after talking. I feel like I'm understanding better how to address my issues and what (or who) triggers them and then how to direct the emotional downpour that follows. AND why the hell those feelings erupt in the first place.

She's pointed out how I go back to the childish place where I learned all this behavior when I feel I'm grasping for some sense of right over wrong, success over failure, but more than that, just the overall survival - and we haven't even touched on my family yet. Still, I know exactly what she's talking about. I've taken the fight or flight instincts I developed from growing up and inserted them in my professional life where that family is just as dysfunctional and anything negative I inherited behaviorally isn't just heightened, it thrives in that type of high stress and constantly changing environment.

I'm putting all the effort I can into changing my perspective because right now I feel like I'm too sensitive.. an exposed nerve. But working to be positive and smiley actually takes all my strength. I'm exhausted by the end of every work day because it's hard work not to say something, to think about how I word everything, and just to sit still. It's hard to take when my boss motions to my co-worker with my former position and discusses things that he'll be taking care of. I'm a walking paper cut and walking in the door to my office feels like I just dove into a pool of lemon juice, especially when my normal actions are now at best overlooked in light of the change in roles.. and at worst, they're completely ignored. I feel like work broke up with me and we're trying to be friends. It's kind of heartbreaking.

I'm looking forward to a point where I can feel some sense of growth and release.. however, right now, it's not clear when that will be. Shine and I go straight into a move to a new apartment this weekend. I'm booked the next three nights to work another play and have whatever time I have left tonight and tomorrow after the shows and Saturday morning and afternoon to pack everything we own. We haven't even started. You can imagine the stress that's caused between us because Shine is the nicest and sweetest person on the planet and is not worried at all.. and well.. I'm both not so nice and stuck between extremes of freaking out and nervous wreck. When neither of those things work - and they usually don't - I shut down and just agree to everything. Oprah really should dedicate an entire show to the generosity and kindness that Shine exemplifies because it's truly something to behold. You think I jest. I'm kind of awful on a regular basis. Angel is just a name people. What can I say? My parents were hopeful.

Along with Shine who has her own stuff going on, Kari and Megan are also going thru major life issues. I'm not only absent, I'm completely silent and not there in any spirit whatsoever. Amazingly, they continue to send words of support and love and hold nothing against me even tho I barely recognize this person I am lately. Eight, Kat, Boris and other friends I've seen and who I talk to regularly constantly offer supportive words and advice - and most importantly, just listen when I find myself wanting to talk. I know I'm lucky to have the love I feel around me and hope I can find my way back to a stronger sense of self really soon.

Not everything sucks. Yesterday I got a free oil change because it took them longer than an hour to complete the service and my cell phone company found me a cheaper plan AND gave me 500 extra minutes as a bonus! Whoo hoo! My life rocks!

Ok.. who wants to come over and put this pen in my eye and put me out of my misery?

Hold Please

Hello kittens.. I'm so sorry I've been absent and there's a lot to explain. There's good, great, some bad and some just ugly on its way.. I just have to find the time to get to it all and write it well so you can understand it. 

I'm currently in a status of confusion tonight. Just for an example, I wore the sweater to work that I wore for three hours last night to a play.. still clean.. yeah.. except for the big wine stain from when I was trying to walk thru the crowd with the wine in my hand near my shoulder and spilled almost down my back. Who spills wine on the back side of their shoulder?? Apparently I do. Then, who wears the same sweater to work?! Had forgotten til I saw it in the bathroom mirror. And the day only got worse from there. 

My lead position was taken away - temporarily they say.. so they can provide the skills so I can lead effectively - and most importantly, don't have issues with other internal employees, like the one I told the other day that she was pissing me off. Inappropriate? Probably. Unprofessional? Eh.. I believe in telling people how you feel and being direct. HR does not, I guess. 

So the slate will be wiped clean, I will get 'tools' (I could say something there.. but shockingly, biting my tongue), and I will get one more chance. Awesome.

Sometimes I wonder why Independent Wealth is so hard to find.

Now I have to go on a first date. I think it would be a good idea to smile if I want a second one. I just sort of have to figure out how to do that..